I Am The Ultimate Homeopathic Guinea Pig :-P

So, I'm where I should be right now. This, according to my homeopath, Terrance. Terrance said that I need a break right now and that the reason I don't have any ambition to leave the house or to do anything useful is because I am healing. Excellent!

Once I come of out this I shall be all healed and no more mental illness, right? Ummm...wonderful but odd thought. I'm sure I won't be all fixed for a good 6 months or more, but whatever. I feel I'm well on my way!

Homeopathy works differently for everyone. Some people don't get all the stuff coming up that I have been getting steady. People can usually keep going to work everyday if that's where they were at before treatment. For me, I was sick as a dog so a lot is coming up and I'm just going with the flow and taking breaks. This is what I want right now...

I get this question alot from talking to just about everyone. "Does your homeopath know what meds you are taken?" "Is he careful about med interactions?"

Okay, I talked to Terrance about this today and he said that homeopathic remedies do not react with prescription meds. So there you have it folks, no worries!

Some people call St. John's Wort and Valerian and stuff like that Homeopathic. Those are actually herbal remedies and not homeopathic remedies. It's true that herbal remedies can react to prescription meds so ask your doc or pharmacist before starting a herbal remedy....

My home0path's clinic is at his home and I met one of his cats for the first time. She was the Zenest cat you have ever seen! I went up to pet her and she kept on sleeping. She didn't even move. Sooo totally trusting. So, I let her be and after our session she was still out there sleeping - dead-like but alive...Sweet...

So anyways, I'm nearly out of food again. Being out in the country I would need to drive to get my food and I haven't driven for 5 weeks now. I can beg Kerri to take me. She offered today but I don't even want to shop. Peeps, it's like I've been smoking marijuana all month. Mellow, stonedish and no ambition for things..bah.

Kerri thinks its bizarre I have been so calm all month. She thinks it's very weird. She is not sure about homeopathy though but I said I will be your guinea pig, lol...everyone needs a guinea pig :-P.

I Think 'The Meeting' Was A Success! Yaaaay!

Today's meeting with the pre-shrink nurse, Chelsea, went good. I was accompanied to the appointment by my case-manager, Jenn. Jenn's being there with me helped a great deal!

I still have my appointment to see Dr. Bangs, the resident psychiatrist, at my family docs office on December 2nd. Dr. Bangs is a short term psychiatrist, I think, but this is fine. The shorter the shrink time the quicker I heal, hehe....kidding! But I do hope that my homeopathic treatment will continue to heal me and I have told Chelsea I am not looking for new meds. Maybe a new night prn but that's it for now...

At today's meeting, I was able to vent my frustration at not getting medical intervention from a doctor in 3 1/2 years. I had been asking repeatedly over the years before last December starting Homeopathy.

I was able to voice my frustration in getting medications prescribed to me that had known interactions with other medications that I was taking. Doctor's not knowing about med interactions is not that uncommon either. Usually pharmacist pick up on this kind of thing too but not in my case...

I may take part in an 8 week anxiety group in the spring or summer. My case-manager Jenn said it is best to go to the group when there is no snow about due to the difficulty driving, parking and all that....Waiting is fine with me. More time to heal :-D.

I had to laugh when Chelsea asked me if I lived at home. That was her first question of me. I mean, what kind of question is that? I suppose she meant do you live with your parents. Jenn was trying not to laugh out loud also, but she was not overly successful at that. I didn't help that I pointed this out to Jenn :-0.

I was pretty wired at the meeting. I wondered if I seemed depressed at all. I explained to Chelsea that I haven't wanted to leave the house in over a month; that I'm depressed, and that all I do is watch Television all day. I was thinking though 'Why am I feeling so happy now?' and I was wondering if I was getting hypomanic again.

I guess I was just nervous. So, all in all it was a good meeting. Chelsea was sweet and totally open to me seeing a homeopath and taking remedies :-D.

I Wanna Be A Techie, Yes I do!

I had a phone check-in with Mary, my case-manager's boss, this afternoon. Mary said I sounded 'different'. I asked her what she meant by that. Mary said that in the past when I have been in a depression I am angry but this time I seem calmer. Yep the remedy is working :-D.

I have been mildly amusing myself for the past week learning about web design from this site: http://www.w3schools.com/. Web design seems like a highly technical art. I guess I should have figured...I got this site from my friend Werner. He knows all about stuff like this...for me I have a lot to learn.

My friend Daria is currently taking a computer class at University so I think this is what got me to start looking into further into the site. Werner had given me this site a couple of months back and I took one look at it was didn't know where to begin. It kind of freaked me out actually. It's wasn't English as I knew it!

I am getting the biggest kick of doing examples. I just memorize the sequencing of the letters and strikes etc. and then I type in the codes and the page comes out properly if I do each step right. It's very gratifying. I can type in whatever heading or paragraph I choose. Usually I add something silly and ridiculous (of course peeps this is just me!!!). Then I get a little giggle out of it afterwards...

If I do take the course in web design that I want too this January (an on-line course) then maybe I will no doubt know what is going on in the web design world (at least a little). I would love to have my own blog site one day. I could also work helping others to put together a web-page from home.

I had no idea it was so technical to make a web page but I am up for a challenge. I worked hard in school. I was terribly depressed during my teen years and even earlier and but I saw school as an escape. I also saw it as a ticket to a great future! I was a bit of a nerd I guess, lol...I skillfully avoided taking a computer class through out my whole grade school years to my knowledge. To mathematical, I feared. Math was my worst subject!

All I used computers for back in grade school was to write word documents and play games. Aww yes, those computer games! Today I couldn't be bothered with them (except scrabble on Facebook, lol)...

In 'my day,' (20 years ago) there was no Internet around as far as I was aware of. My mom limited my bother and I to an hour of TV a day. So we had to find other stuff to do to amuse ourselves, like homework :-D.

Maybe I Should Care....

Today I have been feeling drugged up and drowsy. This happened even without taking my second dose of calming remedy during the day but I feel it's still the remedy at work.

I had a phone session with my therapist Haley this afternoon. Haley says I am just covering up for the pain I feel inside by accepting this feeling of numbness. Haley says I should be worrying that there is something 'wrong' with me. She says I should at least care because I use to care about things and this is not me!

So, upon pondering about what Haley has been telling me, I do feel that I am having a hard time living with Kerri and her daughter. I have social anxiety and I hide in my room a lot. I do try to come out but my anxiety rises and I feel awkward and uncomfortable. I have pretty much given up my yoga and other forms of self care that I use to thrive on.

I don't know how to act around Kerri's daughter Hope so I don't say much. I feel like I am inferring when I am home with Kerri and Hope. I feel like maybe I just get in the way sometimes. I certainly am of no use to Hope being unable to drive her places. We all eat different diets, Kerri, Hope and I so I don't cook for Hope and rarely for Kerri...

I could have called my homeopath, Terrance, for an appointment before our monthly appointment this Thursday. But I welcome this tired, drugged up feeling because it's true I don't know how else to cope with stress at this time.

So maybe on Thursday I will get another remedy, maybe not quite as strong, that will help me and perk me back into reality. I do want to get out and get back to my volunteer jobs and do my own food shopping. I want also to be calm and mellow though. Are both possible?

I Can Empathize With The Character's On 'Mystery Diagnosis'

Have you ever seen the TV show Mystery Diagnosis?

I can really empathize with the real life characters on this show. These characters have spend years going from doctor to doctor and from treatment to treatment looking for an answer as to why they are sick. In the end they get a diagnosis but only after getting told by multiple doctors that there is nothing wrong with them when there obviously is something very wrong!

This show brings me back to my own situation and the memories of how I was turned away so many times from doctors when I was legitimately ill. I would be having issues with my hydrocephalus or my bipolar and no doctor saw anything wrong. Sometimes there was no test that would show anything so the doctors would blame my symptoms on my BPD or stress when that was not always the case...

I can't tell you how many times people have told me over the years 'it's all in your head'. A lot of good that all did me!!!! I did learn positive affirmations, yoga, breathing exercises, safe touch etc but in the end I never really got to the underlying issue as I have been continuing to get sicker and sicker.

Today I take good care of myself but am still crippled by anxiety and depression. I have learned to just deal with the feelings that come up and not punish myself for how I'm feeling. I do some soothing work but mostly just rest and distract....wait. I'm waiting to able to get my life kick-started into gear...I'm waiting for the numbness to wear off (but happy I can now control the anger with my homepath's medicine) and for confidence and excitement to come creeping back for for things that require me to leave the house.

I wonder why have I just been sitting at home for the past month. I'm not fighting. I just wonder sometimes if I will have the answers or the 'cure' to get my life back together like the real life characters in Mystery Diagnosis. For these people on the show they had to go through soooo much pain and frustration. Watching this show helps me to not feel so alone anymore as I sit on the sofa and watch more television and watch my life go by....

Animals Do Have Feelings, Oh Yeah!!!!

For all you animal lovers I have 2 cute You-Tube videos to show you! I belong to a forum on Facebook called Animal Stories and they have the cutest videos and stories....

This 1st video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cBtFTF2ii7U&feature=player_embedded is about the relationship between an adult elephant and a dog. I had heard stories of elephants being actually very gentle, caring and sensitive creatures but see for yourselves. Don't approach an elephant just because this one is tame though, lol....

I saw elephants close hand when I was in Africa in July 2008. I have to say that of all the animals we saw on Safari and we saw many, the elephants scared me the most. They got really close to our vehicle and I knew if they wanted to, they could kill us...Our guide told us to be very quiet so not to startle them...

Here is a pic I took of an Elephant in Kruger Park, South Africa. The animals are not fenced in but they are plentiful in the 35 000km park because there is plenty of food and other animals for prey.

We were around elephants quite a bit in open roofed vehicles. It was great to be able to stand up to take pictures without glass or a screen in the way....

Here is another animal video http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KWgB1hyOHWc&feature=player_embedded . This video is of a Hippo who moves in with a family of humans by choice!

Hippo's are generally dangerous to humans so don't try this at home either. I think this family knew what they were doing when they took him in as this was not their first wild animal 'pet'....

It is so true that animals are sensitive beings. I know that my first cat Candi had to deal with the death of her sister Muffy who she saw dying and could not save her. Candi was 2 years old.

Immediately following Muffy's death Candi developed depression and starting overeating. She was in perfect health before. Candi also developed kidney problems and became blind and deaf and I wondered if some of this was stress related as well as genetic. But, I loved her until she died at 14.

I wondered if my taking drug over-doses and cutting my self in the home and later going into the shelter system added greater stress to her life. I do feel bad since she was my 'daughter' and I know animals have feelings like we do....

Speckle is highly sensitive too. When I raise my voice in anger and she is in the house she runs to me and meows, tries to climb up me or if I am sitting down she pats my shoulders until I stop. This behaviour is highly unusual for Speckle but it sometimes actually helps me by making me laugh.

My homeopath, Terrance, told me to feed one of my remedies to Speckle because he tells me that she picks up on my energy and so when he gives me this constitutional remedy to balance me out (the remedy of phosphorous - if that makes any sense to someone not doing Homeopathy) then it can help my cat too. And it seems to calm Speckle. She is not as sassy or territorial as she use to be...She also seems much less agitated when she doesn't get her way :-D.

Now that I have Speckle, I want so very much for her to live a long and healthy life, awwwww.

Little Red Dotting Hood :-D.

So, today I have been running around the house (sometimes literally) showing off my little red dots to Kerri. Maybe I just like to see the look of horror in her face....oh yeah!!! Dots meaning the ones appearing on my skin these last few weeks. They show up in different spots on my skin then kind of migrate from point A to point B. They reappear and then disappear...

These little red dots are itchy and I guess you might call them a rash. I wouldn't know but Kerri tells me this is what what I have and jokes I am contagious. I'm not though, I promise :-P.

I only started experiencing these rashes for the first time 3 weeks ago after I started taking the new homemade remedies my homeopath Terrance has given me. I think the rash is funny exciting to watch. Kerri is appalled. I should video tape her reaction as I show off my newest little red dots to her :-P. I don't have a video camera though. Anyways, just kidding. I think it's funny because Terrance asked me from the beginning ie. last December if I had a rash and I said noooo....not until now 10 months later ie. this past month...

The 'rash' is not really that itchy. I mean I feel an itch and I do scratch initially but then when I see the familiar red dots I stop scratching and I'm fine. Kinda like a moisquito bite. I did almost make an extra appointment with Terrance after having the rash last Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. It disappeared by Monday though and now it's been a week and they are back. I see him in 6 days though so I think I can wait now....

If symptoms from the remedies leave after 3 days its OK. This is just all a part of the healing reaction as Terrance calls it. Stuff comes out in Homeopathic Medicine...It's been tough but hopefully this will all pay off someday. I have been sooo much calmer the last 3 weeks after Terrance gave me something to calm me.

Medical docs never gave me anything for anxiety. Or they did but that didn't last long because of my history of addiction. This may be a good thing because I have experienced and am still experiencing a lot of side effects from psych meds...I'm just super sensitive. I am still taking my meds of course. It is not wise to stop taking medication when you do a blood type diet or homeopathy unless you ask your doc and can safetly wean off after your symptoms have left.

I totally need my meds because they help me but sometimes it's just hard because my brain feels numb from the lithium and I feel unfocused. I have had sideeffects from most of the meds I have been taking over the years...but they helped get me though till today and for that I'm grateful!

So, bottom line, no need to call Terrance as I am not suffering...I am more amused then anything at this point still. But Terrance may have to make some adjustments to my remedies when I see him on the 29th :-).

Achoooo! Or Not....

I believe it did it!

I out witted the lasted cold floating around the house. This is the 3rd since July! I have been taking 2000 mg of vitamin C for a few days now.

I happened to read off of my homeopath Terrance's blog about the vitamin C thingy. I really thought too much vitamin C wasn't a good thing but it seems to help on an as needed basis ie. at the onset of symptoms or after you know you have been close to a person with a cold. Talk to your doc if you have any concerns of course...

This cold was a pretty bad one. I feel like we should be naming our household colds like we do hurricanes. They cause quite a mess sometimes and we are having so many ;-)...

Hope has been home from school for a couple days. When we had our 2 other cold 'infestations', we all got infected but were able to walk around and function. Kerri seems to have the best immune system in the house. She didn't get a trace of the bug this round and was does not take supplements (although she just coughed a few times...oh no :-o!).

Terrance's blog says that a cold can occasionally be translated as unexplained grief. 'Occasionally' they say, hmmm...well I have had grief my whole life seems like with my lifetime history of depression. My immune system is generally much stronger though so maybe stuff is coming out homeopathically? Who knows?????

I didn't usually catch my mom's colds when I lived with my folks because she would walk around with a mouth and nose mask on like one on I am wearing in the pic on the left.

I'm sure I get snickers or rolled eyes when I mention this idea to Kerri but it works! It's a good idea to throw out the mask and get a new one each day (and if you need to take off the mast and blow your nose, wash your hands immediately before you touch anything!). Otherwise the mask can get moist and the germs may go though the barrier.

I heard germs infect you the most when touching your nose.

Kerri tells me we should always wash our hands first thing when we come in from being anywhere in public. I have to admit I don't do this but it is a good idea.

Carrying around hand sanitizer with you works too! I use to feel less worried taking the bus when I was in the city because if someone so much as sneezed or coughed I would use it and oh the power that gave me! And I didn't get sick :-D. If you want to be really cautious you could use hand sanitizer each time you get off the bus. I did not do that.

They make hand sanitizers so small now you can put them discreetly in your pocket or purse. They last a long time too as you only need the smallest dab on your hands and the liquid sanitizer spreads out evenly...

You can pick up masks or hand sanitizers at the drugstore. Not sure if they all sell stuff like that but, ya know...

Speckle Gets A Bath :-D.

So last evening Speckle came home with sticky stuff on her back. I smelled it and I thought it was a pine smell. I chocked it up to her climbing one our Evergreen trees. I had a cat as a kid who climbed a pine tree and needed a bath. She never tried that again, lol...but I was wondering why Speckle got all sticky on her back. And since it was just on her back I tried to wet it, rub it and brush it...

It was only this morning that I really took a good sniff if the situation and smelled oil! OMG! Speckle had been under a vehicle! Is that safe???? Could she have died if she had ingested oil from cleaning herself?

I showed Speckle to Kerri. who gave Speckle the sniff over too and then sprang into action. 'We are bathing your cat!' she said! And so we did....

Kerri just so happened to have Cat Shampoo on hand! How handy :-D. In the picture Speckle is sniffing the shampoo to see if it's legit, ha!

Speckle did not like her bath. I was holding her and Kerri was wetting and bathing her. Speckle growled something fierce but that was about it. No scratching or hissing...

No, we did not completely submerge the little thing. The oil was only on Speckle's back so we just stood her up in the counter (she is not allowed up on the counter otherwise so we may have been teaching her bad manners, but whatcha gonna do?).

Now Speckle will probably have to stay inside to dry off for a few hours because her stepmom Kerri says she will catch a cold if she goes out wet :-P.

I gave Speckle some treats afterward. That was Kerri's idea too as I was just gonna leave her be.

Speckle totally forgives Kerri as she was licking Kerri's hands soon after then laid down beside her even though she really wanted to go out and was begging. She is a good cat ;-). So, all is well but do you think Speckle learned a lesson? Ummm....only time will tell ;-).

Awww gotta love little Speckle :-D.

Mmmmmmmm Homemade Strawberry Sorbet :-).

Today I nose dived off from wherever, to a deep depression, yet again! Fun times....I had a good morning though until about 11am when I started feeling the downward plunge. By that time I had already started the day long process of making a strawberry sorbet as seen here:

http://www.joyofbaking.com/StrawberrySorbet.html#ixzz0UOLGw42v

...and cooked some chicken for freezing and later adding to salads.

I actually cried when Kerri offered to take me to the organic market for more food I had to say no. I had been up and since 6:30am though so got some stuff done.

A depression crash, for me, is like the feeling of dragging my whole body through water with every motion. This is the time I know I can't fight my depression and just have to STOP! I feel so absolutely defeated! Why me? Why can't I do what I want to? Why all the energy zaps and some days I have waaaaay too much energy????

Yeah, I know why. I'm bipolar, meh, lol.

I had picked up some stuff at the grocery store where Kerri took me yesterday. Unfortunately being on this O blood type diet, you can't find everything you need at a grocery store. I have to say though that grocery stores, especially The Great Canadian Superstore on Eagleson are selling a lot more organic food now :-). They are a little cheaper then health food stores too being able to buy in bulk and that.....

I am still in the process of freezing my sorbet but it looks really excellent and kinda 'gelly' so not like a Mr.Freezy. That's the way I wanted it. I had visions of myself having to use an axe to chop it up into bit size spoonfuls....well, ya know this is my 1st time making sorbet, lol.

Anywhoo, here is a cute pick of the little furry cuties. They are sleeping together all happy in a large soft chair.

I cannot stress my happiness enough that Speckle (on the right) has friends! Petsmart had said not to get her a cat friend. I figure this was due to her strong territorial instinct. This has not been a problem at Kerri's.

I knew Speckle needed a friend especially in the winters. She was always wanting me to play, play, play!!! She tired me out, lol.

Speckle is sooo happy here (and I only have one vet bill :-D).

Gotta Love Those Autumn Leaves :-D

Today I got my energy all back (and then some :-D).

I bounced out of bed at 6:30am. Finally I was in the mood for a shower and change of clothes after hanging out in pjs for the past few days. I had been groggy in the mornings (or try the whole day most days) for the past 2 weeks! My home0pathic remedy for calm really knocked me out and being depressed didn't help. I never wanted to get out of bed for my usual 7:30 wake-up these past couple of weeks.

This morning I was thinking that after 3 weeks of misery I was hoping that my up in mood would be a positive. But instead of going back to some normal functional mode I was jittery and running around distracting myself with tunes all morning. Jumpy, speedy so still unable to drive, argh!!!!

So anywhoo, I did put my new found energy to work by raking up the leaves for an hour and a half (all 6 1/2 bags of them) this afternoon. There will be plenty more leaves to rake though. We don't even touch the backyard so this is all just a small fraction of the leaves on our country property!

I actually love being outside on nice days (contrary to what I sometimes say, lol). Today was a beautiful sunny 11 C fall day :-).

Speckle was showing off as per usual outside whizzing around me and zooming here and there. She is so funny :-D.

So, now I feel better about myself having actually achieved something today! Yaaaaay!

Oh, and I sang Cry Little Sister (Lost Boys Theme)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7fFo-WZsm5Q into a digitalized tape recorder. I don't know how to get the audio on-line though, so you are all spared, bahaha!

But on a serious note, I am bipolar y'all and being up is about as unhealthy and being down. Is there no middle ground anymore? Meh! Now off to the next project :-P.

Thinking and Avoidance Behaviour - Bad Combination!

Today I have more energy but am still far from wanting to get out of my pj's and leave the house.

I am really nervous to drive, I know that. I've been super nervous for the past 10 years or so but now that I live in the country I've been attempting to challenge this fear. My excuse for not driving is that I could kill someone.

A couple of days before I 'crashed' mentally and got into this 3 week depression, I was driving along Carling Avenue at 60 or 70 km an hour. Just as I was finishing up going through an intersection this bicyclist crashed into my car. What are the chances that a cyclist doesn't see me in a car? Come on higher power ya think ya gonna stop teasing me and let me at least try to get my confidence for driving back in style???????

Anywhoo, I screeeeeched on the brakes and the sound could be heard a mile away or more I'm sure. I don't know if I touched him but I thought I had cut his legs off at first. I was horrified! My step-dad, Jim, and I were stunned. I said to Jim, "What do we do now?" Jim said he didn't know. The bicyclist was stunned, I guess. Jim and I both looked at the light fearing that I had gone through a red light but the light was just turning orange. I had done nothing wrong I had just been driving through a green light and following the flow of traffic.

Jim and I watched in awe as this near accident victim just bicycled away just like nothing had happened.

Well, I could have not only killed the bicyclist but caused a huge pile up if the cars behind me had the other cars not stopped in time....too close to comfort! So I know I need to drive when I am well and perhaps get my confidence back.

It was weird though because after the 'accident' with the cyclist I was fine the rest of that day and two days after I was offering to go pick people up for the ALSO Fundraiser. I had so much confidence. I was also not sleeping good for 2 weeks around that time which is never a good sign if you are bipolar like me!

Now I still want to stay home and in my pj's day after day. I do need food but haven't make any motion to go get it. The last time I went food shopping was with my case-manager Jenn and we ended up getting separated and I thought she had left with half my groceries and asked her where she went. Jenn ended up telling me that shopping wasn't even in her job description.

So, shopping causes fights, and driving causes accidents, hmmm.

What to do? I think I am anxious. There is too much stress. I feel like I'm just tuning everything out in favour of numbness to protect myself because I am sick of feeling bad and getting hurt. I don't want to fight anymore and I just want to have peace in my life.

Avoiding things is not the way I'd like to do things though, however I do need to heal; take care of me and not hold on to sooo much!

It's No Secret - You Peeps Read My Blog :-D

All of Kerri's friends read my blog. That is what Kerri's daughter Hope tells me. There are about 5 couples Kerri hangs out with and I go to the gatherings now too...

Last weekend, at Kerri's friend's annual Thanksgiving Meal, I knew Frank was reading it. He had told Kerri a few days prior. Frank never brought it up though. He acted so normal that I didn't feel weird. Now that I know ALL of Kerri's friends read my blog I think it's 'cool' even though since they have started reading it I have found twice people put in the reactions column 'not interesting'. This doesn't offend me too much because there is no comment :-P.

Perhaps Kerri's friends are just skimming the blog entries to see what I say about Kerri, Hope, or themselves but this is fine, lol. I'm sure they are concerned about my anger and want to make sure Kerri is 'safe' with me and well taken care of. I try to make this blog about me though so that no one gets hurt :-). I am honest because I love reality. I love to read or watch something on TV and try to figure out why a person does this or that.... .

Of course doing anything these days is jarring and I get exhausted just going through the motions. I want to get to know Kerri's friends better though because these people have been her support for 20 years by the sounds of things. How awesome!

I don't have a lot of friends. It's pretty much by choice. I never call anyone. I only Facebook someone if I like there status or have something to say like Happy Birthday. Mostly my self esteem is sooo low that I feel too much of a burden on my past friends. I wanted to be 'well' by now. I wanted to be working a paid job and not crippled by depression and anxiety like forever ago....I'm happy enough though despite feeling miserable at the moment with depression - if that makes any sense, lol.

I do get out when I feel up to it and attend lesbian and mental health groups. Those groups host activities like drop-ins, games nights and dances...Kerri comes with me and we have fun :-D.

I hope to get out of this depression/ anxiety soon so that I can get to driving my car again and get my Independence back, oh yeeeeeah!!!

Getting Honest - Being Out Of The Closet Rocks!

Eleven months ago, I came out to my family and friends. I told them I was bisexual or bi-curious because at that time I wasn't even sure. I believed I was still maybe into men.

Coming out was truly the best thing that I could have done for myself and I am sooo happy being a lesbian and in a same sex relationship with Kerri. We started dating 6 months ago and have been living together for the past 3.

I am happy to hold hands with Kerri in public and kiss her. No one has said anything or made an issue of me or us being in a same-sex relationship. This was my fear - discrimination. I'm not saying that discrimination is no longer out there floating around in Ottawa or elsewhere because it is. I am just saying that things are so much better now then they were in the past.

More and more people are coming out of the closet and being honest about who they love. If families don't approve if the sexual orientation of their son or daughter or even with there wish to change genders there are more and more outlets for people to get support. There are about 4 different lesbian centres in Ottawa. We have 3 Gay Bars. There are support centres and on-ling forums. So in other words there is much more choice these days and it's waaaaay awesome. But still we need to work on non-judgement and acceptance...

Kerri and I just got finished watching - If These Walls Could Talk 2. It was a sad movie, at times, and portrayed 3 stories of lesbian relationships from the 60s to the year 2000. But I liked this movie especially the 1st story as seen here in an 8 minute trailer....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Rta-eKMxifk&feature=related

In this story there is a lot of discrimination. The storyline takes place during the 60s. During the begining the women are watching a movie in the theatre. They are holding hands but when they leave the theatre they pretend they don't even know each other...so sad.

I have a male friend who has been in a same sex relationship for 5 years now and is living in Ottawa. He is still uncomfortable to show any sort of affection i.e even holding hands in public for fear of being judged. I do think men have it harder then females and this saddens me. I wish everyone could be as happy as I feel with Kerri and not be afraid of being judged!

Everyone has a right to be happy in a same sex relationship. Gays/ Lesbians/ Bisexuals/ Transgenders have feelings just as heterosexuals. I have dated plenty of men who were like my best friends but I felt empty inside trying to conform to the norm while thinking something was wrong with me because I was never in love with them. I didn't even enjoy being close to men.

Kerri is my first love, truly. She is also my 1st lesbian relationship and I have come to realize that there was nothing ever wrong with me. I realize I needed to be with a female the whole time. This is where I'm at and I am sooo happy! I am happy to live in Ontario where it is legal to marry in a same sex relationship. I'm happy that my family has been totally cool with me being lesbian and with Kerri. I'm happy that I have something to be happy about even though I am depressed most of the time these days....

I look forward to my future because I still believe that I will be well one day....and I will live a great life :-D!

BAGS, BAGS, BAGS....

BAGS, BAGS, BAGS...

That is correct! I have 3 garbage bags of Kerri's daughter Hope's old clothes that no longer fit her. The waist size looks like it will be OK but Hope is taller then I so some of the pants will need to be chopped off or tailored. No biggie there. I never actually shop for clothes. I people are always giving clothes away to me. Soooo nice! I don't like shopping or spending money and some clothes are quite pricey so ya know....

It will take me probably at least a couple of weeks to go through all the bags but she has tons of nice stuff!!!

I was so exhausted today. I did a 45 min yoga DVD this am after using my S.A.D lamp and then my step-dad Jim drove me to Westgate Mall to get Organic Greens. After that all I wanted to do was to continue vegging. I didn't want to do anything to begin with today but ya know...depression and anxiety is exhausting....

I did have a couple of angry periods. In the morning while all alone I was angry that I couldn't find one of my reusable shopping bags. I thought Kerri must of taken it. I didn't want to be angry when Kerri got home from her first shift of work so I took my calming remedy and was able to tell her calmly, 'I am missing one of the shopping bags,' she went out to her car and came bag and said, 'I'm missing one too,' lol so we have a shopping bag thief!!!! Well actually no one would want to steal a shopping bag so it turned out a bit funny...

I was grumpy when Kerri asked me to look though the garbage bags of clothes. I was looking at then thinking 'I need to lie down, this is going to over burn me out!' I suggested I do the clothes on the weekend when I had no expectations to get out like I do during the week. Well I kinda flipped out and demanded I do the clothes at another time...I should have asked, yes...oops! Kerri came up to me and said she didn't know how to help me. She smelled the lavender oil I had put on with the hopes I would calm down. I was crying at that point and wanted to feel better. I felt totally burnt out and I knew I just needed to crash for a bit. I really can't cope with anything these days...

I've already tentatively called in sick for my volunteer job tomorrow because I've been sick 3 weeks so it seems I'm not getting better anytime soon...I need to focus on getting help with food shopping and cooking from scratch. I need to rest and do self-care....

Things are fine though. I rested for Kerri's second shift and then when she got home we had a cuddle.

I really want to beat my grumpy-o-holismness. I don't to this day know why I get mad like I do. There are different reasons that I have brainstormed about this anger phenomena. One is my hydrocephalus. I have had 10 neurosurgery's and 3 other surgeries during my growing years. I had 4 surgeries that first year I was born and 4 the year I was 14. The others took place in between...

I had other traumas but the therapist I was seeing for 3 years ending last march kept asking about my surgeries. It's hard to go through all that especially for a kid and even for an infant who can't talk. Whatever the reason is that I get angry and have been angry every since I was born (according to my mom hence the surgery theory), I do want to get over my anger. I just want to be happy and free to be the me. I want to live and to be able to be a great partner and to be able to work and to come out from under my bed more often, lol!!!

Speckle says, "What Weirdness Is Mom Up To Now????"

I decided that today was the day to start brushing Speckle's teeth! I have been telling friends and family that I was going to brush Speckle's teeth but everyone was like 'yeah OK.' I'm not sure they believed me, lol.

I am upset that Speckle's vet found yellow teeth or tartar on Speckle's teeth the other week. By brushing Speckle's teeth I am hoping to avoid further problems with her teeth in the future. I would hate to have to have the vet pull teeth or for Speckle to have any preventable surgery or pain...

I am thinking that the yellow teeth phenomenom in Speckle's mouth is due to the Engevita Yeast I put in the cats food to ward of fleas and make our cats hypo-allergenic. Engevita Yeast is healthy otherwise. It's just an inactive form of yeast with B vitamins....Anywhoo, my cat no longer has yellow teeth. Kerri has bought special Prescription Dental Cat Food which all the cats are eating and quite like :->.

I am not using the cat toothbrush but only the brush you wear on your thumb. I can't say Speckle was entirely happy with me sticking that rubbery thumb brush with toothpaste in her mouth. She did try to wiggle away but there was not aggressiveness or hissing involved. She knows her mom is a bit weird by now and tries to trust on occasion, haha....

The Tree Pose....

This morning I did a 40 minute yoga DVD. I have about 12 yoga DVDs. Most are Hatha. Some are relaxing and others are power yoga or Ashtanga. Most DVDs have multiple classes :-D.

I do love yoga and yet I have been neglecting it because there is no time or I am too tired etc...

On the the right I am posing in the tree pose. I can do this pose easily now on my right foot. My left foot is a little more shaking but that's OK. In yoga many people are better on one side over the other. Of course it helps if you are in bare feet, on a yoga mat and looking at a spot on the wall or something not moving. As I was staring at Kerri taking the picture I fell out a few times, lol...

When I was newer at yoga I sometimes had small classes. Sometimes I was the only on in the class or the only one who showed up. I would tell the instructor(s) how much I hated the Tree Pose and then I was miffed that that pose would show up in each of our classes. I hated the Tree Pose because I could not hold the pose at all!!! But now I know that continuous practice is what has made me more confident to do almost any yoga pose.

Some poses I didn't think I would ever be able to do as I can cross my legs but that's where my flexibility use to end. I have completely given up on trying the half lotus or full lotus position as I believe that's what got my knee out of whack this summer. It's better now. I didn't find the physio exercises did anything nor the cold compress on the knee. The only thing that seemed to help after 2 months was the remedy my Homeopath gave me. It's weird how it was bringing out stuff on my right side only and then it was gone, hehe...And yes Homeopathy usually takes 2 - 3 months to correct stuff but I'm still waiting to see what it can do to rid me of anxiety and depression...WAITING that is....

So maybe I should consider doing some more self care. I have been neglecting self care and only existing but this doesn't seem to have gotten me anywhere at all....

So I shall work hard to be good to me and love me. My Homeopath, Terrance, says to deep breeeeathe for 5 minutes each day. This is just to remind myself to do it all the time I suppose. Terrance says I need to push out the anger and anxiety through punching a pillow. I usually prefer to Karate chop the air. I did take Karate as a teen and quit when I was ready to take my Green Belt test. The tests got pricier and pricier as one moved up and I was gonna quit anyway so, ya know...A few Karate Chops never hurt the air though, lol...

Not Having The City Buses Is Teaching Me To Have Patience And Flexibility

This morning I had a session with my therapist Haley. She was quite concerned about how depressed I was feeling. "I have never seen you this depressed before," she tells me. Haley wanted to know when was the last time I was 'this depressed.' I wasn't sure because I have been having problems with depression for my whole life and this just seems to be me!

I think today I am more subdued from the calming remedy my homeopath is giving me then totally depressed. Who knows though. At least I am finally getting something for anxiety enough though it kinda knocks me out and dulls my brain perhaps...when I see my homeopath, Terrance, in 3 weeks he will make an adjustment but for now I'm OK with just trudging along even while exhausted and not really able to do much. Sometimes I just need a break from my regular routine, I suppose.

My mood swings are less so that helps me deal with life. Maybe in future though I can learn to be assertive and ask for what I want without demanding as I sometimes do according to Kerri. I agree I am abrupt and demanding at times as I am so use to getting what I want when I want because I've been in the city and riding buses on my own for years. Not having the city bus here I am having to learn patience and flexibility with Kerri and Hope's schedule...


Today is Thanksgiving Monday here in Canada. I went out for lunch to one of Kerri's friends houses. There were a few other famillies there as well. I was pretty subdued even though there were 5 year olds running around screaming. I wasn't bothered in the least. I didn't engage them in anyway. They played with there friends and parents. But I am getting more comfy aroud kids. I use to be fearful to be around children because I thought I might harm them. I had these thoughts in my head telling me to do so. This is all part of my OCD and I hope it's gone now! I never acted on those thoughts I more feared them and felt the tremendous guilt....

I did wonder how Craig, the husband of the lady hosting the event could sleep upstairs while the kids were running both up and downstairs screaming. Craig works the night shift so is use to sleeping in the day. He later emerged looking sleeping so I guess he did sleep.

I don't think I could ever work another night shift! I remember 12 years ago I was in training as part of a Health Care Aide Course. While in training we had to work 3 nights back to back. This was required. During those 3 shifts I slept a total of 6 hours combined so like 2 hours per day for 3 days! I don't know how I had the strength back then to do all that because I was still having depressions (although in those days I was taking antidepressants before then started making me manic all the time).

Now I don't think I could work nights with sleepy meds at night. I did ask the psychiatrist I had way back and he said to just take half my meds during the shift and the other half of my night meds the next morning but when you shift from nights to days the way I would night not being able to sleep at night would that be a good idea? I suppose as long as you take em. Always ask your doc before fiddling though peeps all meds are different!

Tired Of Feeling Sick And Tired....

Today I am angry!

Well, anger is nothing new, lol. But seriously, I have been mentally sick - anxious, depressed, fatigued, irritable, for going on 2 weeks now and it's getting old. I feel I've lost my Independence totally!

Today I had wanted to drive to go shopping and get some warm winter clothes from my old place, my parents basement apartment but that didn't happen...

I have been leaning heavily on Kerri for help. This is a source of huge embarrassment and the lack of control I feel is huge. There is nothing I know of that will help me until the sickness vamooses...

About the fatigue. I have been feeling fatigue on and off for 3 1/2 years and longer. I get iron tests done for anemia and I am fine. Its anxiety I guess. I eat beef, chicken, and salmon, so plenty of iron one would think...

For mood, I have my blood tested for B12, lithium and tegretol levels. My thyroid is tested. Everything is fine...nothing wrong! EVER! Seems like...

I am currently wearing Kerri's sweaters. It's cold here in Ottawa now! I have been wanting to get all my warm stuff for the past week. Unfortunately I am unable to make the 1/2 hour drive (on a good day) to my folks place because I am not an experienced driver and that would be an accident waiting to happen!

So, I am basically stuck home unless Kerri drives me somewhere but we are both tired lately so it's hard to get all that we both need. What to do?

Being so far away from everything including city buses (out here in the country) it's frustrating. I only hope that one day I will get my strength and Independence back for driving the way I had it in the city hoping on city buses!

The Trials and Tribulations Of Food Shopping.....

Kerri says I'm getting my 'pep' back!

I do feel more alert today. I decided to try not to take my calming homeopathic remedy during the day now. I will continue to take it at bedtime to see if that helps me to function more. I do still feel depressed and so am very slow to get going in the morning. I did take Kerri up on her offer to take me food shopping. I'm glad I did. It wasn't so bad and Kerri wanted to get some stuff too and didn't want to go alone...

The stores were crowded it being a weekend afternoon but we managed. I still need to go to the pet store, bank, Farm Boy and Natural Food Pantry. Today we did manage to go to the Great Canadian Superstore, and Rainbow Foods.

It's so hard to find exactly what I want since I eat organic. Everything is all over the place. Rainbow Foods is vegetarian organic so no meat but has everything else. Organic Greens sold at Rainbow are waaay too pricey so we go the Natural Food Pantry for those. I try to get everything I can at the Superstore since the prices are so good.

A few days ago Kerri and I went to Natural Food Pantry to get Organic Beef but both of us forgot to get it and instead got other stuff, lol. Oh, we are a pair! I was so mad after that because I had it on my grocery list highlighted and everything! I'm not the smartest or the most alert cookie around...I like to blame it on the lithium and it may be partly the case but I've always been a bit spacey, argh, so embarrassing!

I feel good though. I got almost everything I wanted to do done today. I cooked up some organic chicken and froze 5 portions for my chicken salads. Then I doubled my humus recipe but I think I added to much water so note to self - LESS WATER. Half a cup perhaps extra because the recipe does not give enough. I think I perhaps threw a whole jug of water in, lol. I am a humus-o-holic so I like my humus real good! And to think that the first time I tried humus as a teenager I didn't like it much. Weird how our taste buds have to get use to things sometimes but all good :-)...

'Dawson's Creek' Never Gets Old...

My TV and I have become the best of friends this past week during my 'I don't care to do anything' depression. When I am well I feel like throwing the TV out the window. I am usually running around doing things on-line or out and about. It's OK though. I'm not in any pain. I just lie there dull and bored - except for when I chose to watch TV :-D.

Currently I'm watching a re-run of Dawson's Creek. In these episode Joey, Andy and Dawson get their fortunes read at a carnival. I think I would be really freaked out if someone told me my fortune and they actually predicted my future! Sceary! There are so many frauds out there though. Even the most well known Fortune Tellers/ Psychics like Sylvia Brown who charge BIG bucks have been known to make huge mistakes....

I love Dawson's Creek though, even today, years after it was made. I love the scenery especially when they film around the water. I love the tunes. They played The Cranberries and Sarah McLaughlin sometimes and many more artists whose songs I love.

The topics vary and cover such issues as being Gay; parents who have died; jailed parents; big sister a mom to younger sibling; teacher and student having a romantic relationship; divorce; mental health issues; sex, teen pregnancy; bullying; alcoholism, teen employment and cancer.

The only thing I have found annoying is the BIG adult words that the teens on Dawson's Creek are scripted to use sometimes. It's ridiculous! Apparently the words are adult like to capture a wider audience, but, whatever....

Dawson's Creek is one show Kerri and I agree on to watch although she had only really watched it as a teen herself and hates re-runs. I could watch the same episode over and over again, lol.

Kerri and I disagree on a lot of things. It's really funny sometimes. Basically if I like something there is a great possibility Kerri does not! Kerri likes horror, adventure, cartoons, suspense, court TV, make-over shows but basically anything. Me - anything that evokes emotion be that tears or laughter. But no cartoons, lol...

Dental Cleanings Are Not The Worst Pain???

I do hate the dentist! Even though I have had nothing other then cleanings done at the dentist it does hurt HUGE!

When the dental hygienist was cleaning the tartar off my teeth I wanted to shout 'STOP!!!' so many times....and yet Kerri informs me that cleanings are not the worst pain you can have from a dentist. So yet again I am whining and complaining yet there are those so much worse off then myself....

I was thinking, as I was dead tired wandering to the bus stop for home after the dentist, that if something hugely distracting were to happen would I snap out of this depression? I was thing of something tragic likely because I was walking past the homeless shelter I lived in for over a year. Maybe if I had seen someone getting hurt would I then start to heal? I feel so selfish just having to deal with me being sick all the time. It's hard to think out of the box and see that pain is everywhere. Although sometimes I feel I absorb pain from every which way as it is. I feel so sad, depressed, hurt, and tired today and pretty much in general lately. I don't know how to get better. Where to get the strength?

I did get to my mental health drop-in today. Some light socializing did me good. Then I grabbed a computer and faced away from my friends - tuning everyone out. At one point, Mike, one of the staff who I have known for years, heard me on the phone. I was shaking and near tears talking to Kerri about yet another misunderstanding. Mike asked me If there was anything he could do to help. I said no but with an empty heart, knowing that there seems to be nothing anyone can do for me at this time. Also knowing these depressions always end and knowing that I will get back to some normalcy again for a period. Hopefully this period will be soon?

For now, since I am depressed, all I want to do is sleep or withdraw and not help myself. It's really a lose-lose situation for everyone. Kerri has to drive me around. I don't get out too much but there is emergency food shopping and appointments every week, ya know......

Grrrr!

How to get the motivation back? Do I care????? NOOOOO!!!

How will I survive without my morning naparoo tomorrow? I get grumpy and whiny just thinking about it! It is sooo not fair!!!!

Tomorrow morning Kerri and I are going to relationship counselling. Then, my goal is to force myself to go food shopping. I need to be in the city for a dentist appointment in the afternoon anyway. I will let Kerri go home without me for pick up later.

I won't be able to get all the things I really need or want because I will be without my car. I don't drive when I am not feeling good. I am afraid of having a car accident as it is...better to let Kerri do the driving when I am not feeling well.

Kerri does ask me if she can take me shopping but I don't want to shop, grrrr!

What I really want to do tomorrow, since I'm in the neighbourhood, is to do vege out at my mental health drop-in. Maybe I will. I miss hanging out there...I need food though and may not have time for both, meh!

I Hate Grumpy People (Excluding Myself, LOL)

Anybody out there like Judge Judy?????

Kerri loves the show and watches it daily. Hope, her teen daughter and I hate Judge Judy with a passion. I have even offered to get Kerri a wireless head-set so that I don't have to listen to Judge Judy's angry voice anymore!

Here is 2 1/2 minute clip for those who don't watch the show...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QJxMNzzx3vE

I don't care what the issue is I just hate grumpy people (other then myself, of course, lol). I'm the type of person who will get upset when I see someone yell at someone else. It doesn't stop me from mouthing off on occasion though. Kerri tells me I'm being mean or blunt. I'm really being just like Judge Judy, OMG!!!! Did I tell you I was the Queen of Hearts in an elementary school play, lol...Kerri watch the VHS tape of this production...she softly tells me I haven't stopped chopping peoples heads off....someday :-D.

I really try to be kind and cheerful. I joke around. I need positive people in my life to lift me up when I feel down or to keep me up when I am happy. I watch TV to be entertained and to learn something. Not to feel tense and nervous....

This morning, I had an hour long phone check-in with my case-manager, Jenn. She told me I wasn't ready for paid work anyway after I had told her I wasn't going to go meet the service provider. I agreed with Jenn and have made peace with this. I listen when Jenn speaks. Sometimes I listen to Jenn more then anyone else, lol. I really get along with her.

Jenn was telling me that I am depressed. This is why I haven't left the house in 5 days and I feel that I just don't care. I know I'm depressed but it helped to hear her say that. I'm not just being lazy. I get so angry when I have to do anything, even cooking. I want to be alone and sleep during the day and night. It doesn't seem like a choice. It's my illness and I need to ride it out....hopefully one day I can recover fully. Seems like it's not going to happen on days like today but I still have hope....

Better To Know I'm Not Ready For Work Now Then To Lose A Job Over It....

There is no way I'm ready for actual work!

I was hoping for something at home with flexible hours and only about 6 hours a week. Unfortuately, I am sooo zonked. I feel it's almost a given that I will have to cancel the meeting with a potential service provider tomorrow afternoon.

I need a service provider for job placement. Service providers can offer career counsellors and support for people with disabilities to maintain employment. Tomorrow will be the 3rd time in a row I will have cancelled with this one service provider. I have just called my case-manager, Jenn, for advice on this issue but I'm not sure she will get the message in time. I will have a phone check-in with Jenn tomorrow morning but I had wanted to cancel before then so it's not totally last minute. I was assured by the service provider that I can have or ask for an interview on the phone which I am told that she will do but she would rather I go in person so we shall see...

Who cares though? I need to be ready for work and better to find out now I am not ready (which I already knew anyway) then to have to lose a job over. Less disappointment this way. There are tons of other service providers if I have burned this bridge. I have to focus on me and what I need to get healed.

I was getting grumpy today just continuing to work on the prep for a beef recipe I am going to cook (some day). I managed to do all of 1/2 an hours work on that. I am usually a really hard worker in the kitchen and today it just wasn't happening. I needed to go back to bed. I needed to be in bed most of this morning and afternoon. It is only when I am lying down that I felt OK again. Zzzzzz.....

I think Tate agrees with me on this one. :-D.

Blueberries And Tofu, Yummm....

I cooked a meal today. It was a yummy broccoli and tofu dish! Yes this did feel like an impossible feat but I pushed myself seeing that Kerri was also cooking.

I've been so tired the past 3 days using that homeopathic calming remedy. This morning I woke up grumpy and immediately took the calming remedy. I take it daily 2 x a day. I was in bed for the rest of the morning...or on Kerri's lap napping in front of the TV, lol...So this is maybe how it's going to be for awhile until I'm done detoxing or whatever. I am happy I have something to take me down though. I would rather be fatigued and zombie like then angry and letting cruel words roll of my tongue because of anxiety. That's what my anger seems to be about - anxiety....

Kerri is sooo sweet though. She is cooking me dinner tonight. A tofu-spaghetti squash thing. I have frozen my other tofu recipe for meals this week.

This morning Kerri made me a blueberry crumble which I am going to have for dinner dessert. Yummm! I miss eating blueberries. They seem to help my blood (as they are known too). Now that I blueberries are so expensive (they were always expensive) I haven't bought any for over a month and I notice that when I get paper cuts I bleed out. When I was eating blueberries on a regular basis I would get paper cuts and the blood wouldn't even appear on my skin...So maybe I should eat blueberry crumble every other day! Frozen wild blueberries seem the best organic deal :-D.

So what to do now? How about another lay down in front of the TV and then I can drift off into nap land?

Tomorrow? Ummm...

How To Amuse The Resident Cat At The Vet's Office!

I feel blah, sedated like. Sad too. I don't want to do anything but stay home and be sad. Kerri is going to do some food shopping for me. I don't want to leave the house. I told her it didn't matter but I do need to cook. She really does take care of me like I'm 2 years old! When will this sickness ever end????

Anyway enough of that! Today, Kerri and I brought little miss Speckle the cat to the vet. I was expecting another clean bill of health but the vet found that Speckle had yellow teeth at the back of both sides of her mouth. She is only 3 years old!!!! Why her? I knew she had bad breath when we got her at 1 1/2 years of age. We only fed her hard no filler food like IAMs or Eukanuba. For treats she got Dental Greenies.

Last year the vet noticed an improvement in her teeth, breath or something. So thats why I was surprised this year when the vet noticed an issue w her teeth. I did see the yellow when the vet opened Speckle's mouth and I was like ick! The vet scraped off the yellow tartar or whatever though. It came off with her fingers, mmmm! Now we have to get Speckle (and all the cats in the household) special dental food. We are trying the prescription food for now which makes $15 extra off a ten pound bag of cat food.

It was quite a pricey vet appointment today. $233.75! Usually I pay only $100. Or I thought I did. This time I had to add on the food too but still...

Here is the breakdown -

$41.90 fecal sample
$68 consultation
$26.80 each for the rabies and leukemia vaccination
$56.75 for a 10 pound bag of prescription Hills Feline T/D cat food
$13.50 tax

Speckle was not amused going on the short 5 minute car ride or at the vets. However, the cat that lives in the vets office was amused because I had sprayed catnip in Speckles cage, lol, oops! I went in with Speckle at first and left Kerri and Speckles cage in the waiting room. The Resident cat was in the cage rolling around and just lov'in it! I don't think Speckle was comforted at all. Maybe you can't comfort cats at the vet unless the cat actually lives in the office.

Poor little Speckle! Oh well, she is out running around with little Tate the cat having fun....hopefully she forgives me!