Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Coming Around - Talking Things Out With Respect!

The storm has passed yet again and I am fine. Kerri and I are working on establishing good communication and respecting each others boundaries. We are paying attention to listening to what each other has to say. Things look good though each of us has more trust issues and baggage now then before this week got started.

It's great to be chatting with my girl again though :-). I was crying for like an hour with Kerri this am. We were just being honest about how we felt. I told her how I was feeling silenced and she was sorry because she didn't mean to hurt me. Some of the things I would keep quiet about Kerri had said in a fit of anger once and didn't really mean. Meanwhile I had been replaying it over and over and feeling sad and hurt. I kept quiet because I thought she meant what she said. It's like everything. When we are angry we say stuff that we don't always mean. Later we don't think about it. We wonder why our partner or friend is upset. At least Kerri and I are talking. We are each being accountable for our actions. No one ever said relationships were easy. This won't be our last disagreement. We are sooo different. Relationships are extremely difficult for everyone. Kerri and I both have issues to work on but we are working together and I love her!

Kerri has a cold so we aren't getting too close but I think it's the same cold I and her daughter Hope had. Everyone is getting sick seems like with the start of the new school year. Or maybe it's a fall thing!

Speckle is coming around as well. She is getting more use to Bobby the dog. She is coming inside from out even when she has to pass by Bobby. Bobby has learned not to run after Speckle. I do hope Speckle can get over her intense fear of dogs! Maybe Speckle and Bobby will be friends just like other Kerry and her cat and dog, or maybe that's pushing it, lol.

Well, I'm going to try to rest good for the remainder of today. I am tired. What else is new, lol?...I hope I will be all 'fixed' by tomorrow anxiety wise so that I can go out. I have a committee meeting for people with all disabilities, and, a service providers meeting to get a possible job and job coach (I can do this on the phone but they would like me to come in to show me their facilities), then I am to see my Homeopath, Terrance. Terrance can have a phone appointment with me but I like to pick up my new remedies straight away and get the healing process started. Not that it seems I am healing but I do notice some positives and also weird things like this on/ off again itch on my right toes and no explanation for this. This maddening sometimes - very intense but then it's gone in 1/2 and hour....dudududu!

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

In The Crash - Day Two....

I am still in 'the crash!' Sooo tired. My heart rate has felt elevated for most of today. I just took my heart rate and it is not just in my head. My heart is beating 104bpm and it's usually around 76! I know this is just anxiety. I've been resting for 2 days now but feeling stressed. I have to remember to breeeathe!

I am trying to get a 'me' day but Kerri doesn't understand. She arrived home from her first shift today there was no 'Hi Honey' from either of us. She asked me in what I felt was a rhetorical question 'Who left the garage door open, was it you?' When I went to answer she was repeating the question. I said that I brought the cat little waste and put it in the garage. I didn't realize the garage had opened again because it was closing when I had left it. Usually I wait to make sure but it was raining and I was out in my nightie...The only problem with leaving the garage door open is that Bobby the door sometimes runs loose around the neighbourhood and tears apart our food garbage bag that we will store their once full. Bobby is in our house so I wasn't even concerned. But I will be next time :-).

Then it was my turn to inform Kerri that Bobby (the dog) was eating the sandwich she or Hope had left in the kitchen. I had just taken my ear plugs out this am to hear Kerri leave when I heard the rustling. As tired and drugged up as I felt I got up to rescue the already chewed upon sandwich...this didn't help my day get off to a great start either...

I am trying to just lay low. To stay in my room. I can't really explain to Kerri why because that might just start another fight. I just want some space to rest. I'm sooo tired! What I might eventually want is a hug and a cuddle. That's all I've been craving for for the past few days...

My nerves are sooo bad. I take nothing for anxiety. The homeopathic remedies bring out all this stuff. I have been known to be the sickest towards the end of the month before I see him (in 2 days). I sometimes go crawling back to see Terrance, my Homeopath, wishing for more remedies and hoping the worst is over and I can figure out how to be zen for the first time ever and get on with life!

Anywhoo...here are Kerri and our cats. They quite like my bed, likely, because this is the only cosy room accessible to the cats where the dog is not allowed to go in...so it smells like cat and not dog! Sorry Bobby the dog! Thing is though, when I need to sleep or nap I have to squish between Bob the orange cat and Speckle the dark on to the right....and I do squish as I don't want the have to disturb the cats!

Monday, September 28, 2009

Today, I Shall Rest To Reclaim My Sanity And Hope For A Better Tomorrow....

Today I have decided that I need a time-out! I do have stuff I was suppose to do but I am unable to do anything do to my bipolar and self-esteem issues.

I am sooo sick of feeling that I am worthless; childlike and not good enough.

For the last 2 weeks and two days (ending yesterday), I had been feeling great so I went out and did things. Life didn't change. There was stuff upsetting me that whole time but I was sooo strong and able to let everything roll off my shoulders. I was not effected by negativity much at all.

Today I am just taking back what is mine - a certain level of control which I feel has been taken away from me.

I am resting. When have I had time to rest lately? I try so hard to do everything be everything to everyone. I don't always say the things I should or act the way I should but I am trying my best. If that's not enough (which it may well be not enough) it makes me very sad and now I feel the tears well up in my eyes because I have waaay to many feelings. I care sooo much it gets in the way of everything I do and say....How to stop the intensity of it all? How do I detach when I feel so trapped?

Hmmm....I will think about that today as I rest. I do have an appointment with my therapist in a couple of hours. I have told her I will do a phone appointment because I am in no shape to drive in to see her....Hopefully she can coach me to be a better person if need be or to accept the person that I am flaws and all...I am getting back to saying affirmations. I forget them sometimes...and I have been forgetting about Little Lisa for a bit...she is 5 and I'm suppose to bring her around with me and nurture her because she is in need of nurturing too!

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Finding Or Losing My Voice....

The after math of the fundraiser yesterday was horrible for both Kerri and I.

I come home at 4pm and find Kerri exhausted and lying on the couch with her laptop. She tells me that the dog, Bobby, hasn't had a walk all day. I am resentful that I had to come home after having to stay an hour and a half longer then her helping with the fundraiser. I was hoping to rest but then I realized I had to walk the dog that I don't even want in our home and then to make dinner for Kerri and I. She did do the dishes though :-).

Bobby the dog had taken himself for a bit of a walk/ run though. Luckily our road is quiet. Well Kerri tried to call him back but the problem with Bobby is that he has a mind of his own. He will come when you call him but only after you keep calling repeatedly. You eventually have to retrieve him from wherever. I had suggested to Kerri we take him the dog park. There is one not to far a drive away and he can run around off leash. But I guess I now know that this wouldn't work as he is not our dog. Who knows what he might do or where he might end up. Sad. I have taken him out for runs to the end of the block and back. He loves it as long as something doesn't catch his eye and then he will come to a dead halt.

Kerri has told me she wants to have Bobby the dog stay with us for a month in November when his owners go away again (they go away quite a bit) I have said I don't want him back. Speckle and Tate the cats are basically living in fear in my bedroom or under the bed still and it's been over a week with the dog. I resent what it is doing to my cat who only wants to run outside and play. I did let her out early this morning but then Kerri let the dog out and scared Speckle and Tate away. It was raining but I was out in the rain for 10 minutes trying to get the cats back in...I had to use some catnip spray for Speckle but I am glad she got a bit of a run in around the yard. She came back sopping wet and no, cats don't like being towel dried. Or mind doesn't, lol).

Kerri is the one sadly making decisions in this house. I honestly thought that when you share a lease then you get a say. I have bent over backwards to help Kerri out. I had no idea she was in need when I was dating her. She kept her problems from me completely. My case-manager tells me we have to tolerate others differences...I try but I can't say I'm always pleasant about it.

Kerri also wants to become a foster parent to a child and we know this girl. She is a troubled teen. I have said no to this too but apparently it's not my say in the matter. Neither is any topic related to the care of her daughter because it upsets Kerri. This silence frustrating! Why don't I get a say?

My wish is that one day I will get stronger and be able to maybe have a voice in my household! I wonder why neither Kerri nor I thought to bring these type of disagreements at relationship counselling, argh!!!!

Anyways today I want to cook but but I got such a poor sleep last night. Kerri refused to turn the TV down last night saying she wanted one night where she could listen to the television at a good volume. I feel resentful because when Kerri is sleeping I turn my TV down to a barely audible tone when she goes to bed which is sometimes as early as 9pm. I will definitely still be quiet when Kerri is sleeping I know the importance of sleep and I do truly care about her! It was just maddening because I was all tired and ready to sleep. I turned off my TV because I need silence to sleep and there was never ending noise! I could hear every word on Kerri's TV downstairs at 11pm without ear plugs. We share a split-level house.

When I put my fitted earplugs in (the kind that the construction workers wear) and I could hear noises muffled though as I was floating under water...It was maddening! My ears automatically strain to hear what is going on! When I asked that the volume be turned down. Kerri said she wanted to unwind and listen to her TV at a good volume (to unwind I suppose).

I refuse to close my door at night. I never like my door being shut ever. It's a comfort thing I guess. like the fact that the cats can run in and out of my room and cuddle with me or leave if they want....

You would have thought we could have worked this noise issue out before I signed the lease! However I think Kerri and I have been both stressed since the fundraiser. Stress feeds off stress and this will be a busy week for me, ugh!

Because I couldn't sleep until it was quiet I feel asleep at 12:30pm and woke up at 5:30am which is not enough sleep for me!

My main issue is the complete lack of control I have in this house. I have never felt that I had a home. Now I have a home. I pay into the home. I lend money to Kerri and help out hope when she needs it i.e. for bus tickets...But I still don't always get what I want....Maybe just me. Maybe I'm losing it....All I know is now I can't drive because my nerves are fried and I am afraid I couldn't' handle the car or the road or have the ease to navigate a grocery store which causes stress! I wanted to get some cooking done and now today feels like a complete waste and my week will be sooo much busier having to cook more meals now when meal cooking in itself is a stressor! Kerri doesn't want to drive me to get food so once again here I am stuck in the country feeling powerless disappointed but not at all surprised that the calm I have felt for over 2 weeks now is completely gone....I am now wondering how am I going to work and get some control back into my life?

I have a meeting with a serve provider tomorrow about getting a paying job tomorrow. Kerri says she would drive me. She assured me she would always keep her word so I'm hoping it's a go! This will be such a scary interview because now I don't feel ready....

:-(

Saturday, September 26, 2009

ALSO Race Day!


Oh what a day! A good one though. Today Alternative Learning Styles and Outlooks (ALSO)(http://www.also-ottawa.org/) had their 5th annual book race. Here is a pic of Kerri all ready to start!

The racers started at 10am and returned 4 hours later Kerri returns with her team of 4 cursing me for not telling her how competitive this race was....oops! I have never raced in ALSO's Book Race but I knew there was some competition. I guess it is up to the team on how much competition they want (and when they are famished enough to return to Stanley Park for the end of race bbq lunch!

I do the volunteer work. The cooking and set-up and a bit of take down...I arrived at 8:30am in Stanley Park and was told I could leave if I was getting tired at 3:30pm. I jumped at the opportunity to flee as I was stressed and tired not use to being so busy for so long!

I have been volunteering at ALSO for 4 years now but this year I met some of the staff's family members for the first time. I also saw a staff who was on maternity leave and her new baby...It was sooo cool!

I am glad that the sun shone all day. For the next 4 days rain is scheduled with zero sunlight....oh joys! I am thankful for my S.A.D lamp as it seems to be helping this year!

Tonight I am just ready to unwind! I feel tension in my back and body....yeah I just gotta chill now!

I'm proud of Kerri; her daughter Hope and the other two ladies on their team! They had an awesome time! Woohoo!

Friday, September 25, 2009

Major Awwww - Speckle And Tate :-)


I had Kerri giggling yesterday. Late that morning we had had our relationship counselling session and by evening I was musing that I knew that Haley our therapist had given me a new affirmation to say but I forgot what it was or even where I put the paper I had written it down on! Eventually, I found the paper and re-read the affirmation which said, "I have a good memory!" Oooops! I had better get on saying that one, lol...

I really don't have a good memory. I even have a friend of mine who just started lithium and says now her short-term memory is shot too! Now, I know I had memory problems before I started lithium years back but it did seem to get worse after the drug...Mainly it's my short memory that is not so good. I have to write everything down. This is hard on my self-esteem so the new affirmation might help me. You don't have to believe an affirmation to say it....I know for myself what I say to myself can come true anyway....

Anywhooo, yesterday I took some very adorable Tate and Speckle pics...

In this first pic on the right they are sleeping together head to head, body to body, awwww!















And in the left pic they are sleeping in like a hug embrace. Speckles front paws and Tate's feet. Sooo sweet!


I can't believe how much love Speckle has for Tate. When we got her from the pet store as a rescue cat they told us never to bring another cat into the same house as Speckle. I soon realized from letter her outdoors that she was extremely territorial. Now, I'm not seeing a problem inside or out with the neighbourhood cats. Speckle doesn't pick fights anymore! She use to so whether it's the homeopathic remedy I have been giving her since June, I don't know....seems like it though!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Do I See A Job In My Future???????

So, today is the day I find out if I am 'Employable' by ODSP standards. ODSP is the disability program that gives me money every month because I am not able to work or maintain a paying job.

I have no idea what to expect today. The meeting with the social worker or whatever (maybe in a group setting or not) is an hour to an hour and a half. I am told to bring my S.I.N card and resume. Applicants are allowed to bring their worker; family or a friend. I have asked my step-dad as my worker is in a meeting this morning and Kerri is working.

I have ask the staff at my volunteer jobs to be my phone references. I am hoping they have something good to say about me. I am a great worker when I make an appearance, however I haven't exactly had an easy time of things the past few years. I've been calling in sick a lot (feeling swallowed up by my mental illness). Fortunately, the past 2 weeks have been great. I haven't missed a day! This must be some kind of record, lol!

What I am looking for from the meeting today is a job that I can do at home and with flexible hours.

Come January I am hoping to take a web design course on-line so that I can make my own blog site. I hope to be able to create other peoples web pages as well. Since it is just a course I am guessing I can work a few hours at the same time.

I do feel ready to work a few hours...even 6 hours a week to start. 6 hours is what I have been volunteering, so....

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Tegretol - To Take It Or Leave It....Hmmmm

So I am trying, again, to wean myself sloooowly off of Tegretol. This med has done nothing to help me in the last 4 1/2 years....why am I still on it? My family doc and residents didn't want to fiddle with my meds to put me on something else.

Tegretol is prescribed for me as a mood stabilizer. It is also used for epilepsy patients who are having seizures. Unfortunately it also has a side-effect of Osteoporosis which is a brittle bone disease causing bones to break more easily. The psychiatrist who was giving me this drug never mentioned this side-effect (but side-effects can be looked up on-line or given out from your pharmacist).

Tegretol is fine and seems safe for people who are not petite or don't have a family history of Osteoporsis. But for someone like myself who was already underweight and petite I got the diagnosis of Osteo-penia (pre-osteoporosis) when I was 31, 4 years back because I had requested a bone density test (I had to beg since I was so young). Bone density tests are usually only done around 5o years of age!

I am happy to say that after 2 years of taking 1000mg of calcium in supplement form, and 400mg of vitamin D with it, I was cleared of any sign of Osteopenia even while continuing to take Tegretol and be underweight still...I have never in my life broken a bone either :-).

I have cleared it with my current resident doc that I will try to wean myself off Tegretol when I started to feel less anxious. That time has come seems like. I have been feeling pretty good for almost 2 weeks now (not long in the scheme of things or ordinarilly a good indicator one should think about stopping a med that is helping).

The psychiatrist I had 4 years back, Dr. Dinton, did wean me off almost completely over a 3 month period agreeing that it was not helping me and I had been doing OKish at that time. But then I had some major stresses including the ending of Dr. Dinton's treatment of me and I asked my family doc's residents to put me back on Tegretol. It has done nothing for me....

So, I know how to wean myself off Tegretol. My pills can be cut and I have a pill cutter. I stay at each new level of pill for one month making the weaning off period 4 months - IF I can hack this. I have been sleeping poorly the last couple of days after starting this but Tegretol does not affect my sleep so I think that this is life stress or fear. I am secure in knowing that if I get really worried about the weaning off I have my regular dose to take if I think at all it will help...I really get nervous not taking meds because getting mentally sick again is not fun. If I ever ended up back in the hospital they would not let me take my vitamins; Homeopathy or cater to my blood type diet.

Weaning off a med is something you should aways do only if you know how and are under a doctor's care for this purpose....there is always the risk that after you have been off a medication for any level of time that your body will metabolise it different if you decide to go back on it and so it may not even work for you anymore in the same way...

For people who just stop meds cold turkey when the meds are not prns (meds you take as needed and not daily), this can bring on withdrawals for even those who never needed the med(s) in the first place....

Many people don't like medications for the side-effects but meds work a lot faster then what I have been doing, Homeopathy, some with in half an hour of taking it....so the positives out weight the side-effects. I have been doing Homeopathy since December and spending moola to try to get better because my docs just told me my anxiety/ depression was in my head. They wouldn't send me to a shrink or touch my meds either...

Homeopathy and my blood type diet is a last resort so I don't want any one thinking its any better as there is major pain involved in Homeopathy and even the blood type diet....for these methods stuff comes out and it's really hard. Homeopaths are not regulated like doctors so unless you know there to go or someone who have a good one how do you know if you are just wasting your money or not...

I'm trying to say if you need help get some help and take meds if you need to. Meds do help and Tegretol does help some people a great deal. You may need watch that you are getting enough calcium in your diet and vitamin D. Exercise is important and taking extra calcium/ vitamin D in pill form has helped me too!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

All I Can Say Is "Wow"

Have you ever been to a 'Dream Home?'

Last evening, Kerri, myself and Hope went for a quick drive up to Winding Way near Barrhaven to see this massive 1.5 million dollar, fully furnished home. Our Children's Hospital (CHEO) is given it out as a prize to some lucky family. All I can say is 'Wow!'

Here is the link if you want to see more info and if you scroll down you will see to the left there is an link to the 'Minto site' that lets you have a virtual tour or see interior photos...there is also a map of the house.

http://www.dreamofalifetime.ca/first.html

Personally I don't think many people could afford this huge house for long because of insurance, heat and hydro even though the actually house is being paid for and a host of other things listed on the site that they are offering...I don't think some people realize with house and car give-aways (this house comes with a car too or you can take 40 000 dollars cash instead) that there are still costs and stresses. There is insurance; taxes; interest; heat; hydro; gas and repairs. These expenses continue where any help you will get for prize will not last forever if you don't make a nice sum to bring into the house....but it was a neat house to tour....

You don't have to have bought a ticket to tour the CHEO Dream home...I suppose you would need a car though as I don't think there is good buses way out in the boonies where it is located...

I am not aiming to own a house like CHEO's Dream Home with all it's 4 bedrooms; pool table; air hockey table; sauna; hot tube; huge rooms; movie room with large screen TV; Multiple TVs; maid service free for a year; $5000's worth of Grocer's from Farm Boy and $100 000 worth of cash...

My goal is to eventually get a job so that Kerri and I can continue to live in the beautiful home in the country that we do rent and even have the means left over to travel somewhere where palm trees live!

We shall live happily ever after :-).

Monday, September 21, 2009

Eating At Pizza Hut On An O Blood Type Diet, Hmmm!

I surprised myself yesterday. I went out with Kerri and her friends and their kids of all ages and I didn't even try to wiggle out of it! I go crying to Kerri about how I was too tired or do agitated to go. I wasn't upset or worried or anything! If this is the new me then I like it.

It's true my social anxiety around meeting Kerri's friends use to be sooo bad! Now it's as if I'm going to meet my own friends!

Last night one of Kerri's friend's teen son's had a birthday party at Pizza Hut. I actually eat anything at Pizza Hut because of my O blood type diet but I decided to order a garden salad and bring my own cut up chicken; Bragg's dressing and a slice of manna bread. That worked.

When Kerri's friends asked me if it was hard for me to see 'forbidden' food and not it eat, I said that it wasn't hard. I did mention though that I had an intense craving for soda pop the other week. I didn't cave because there was no pop in the house. We have some now but the craving is gone so, ya know...

People tell me they would never do a blood type diet because it is so restrictive. I understand that and the first thing I told my Homeopath, Terrance was 'I do NOT want to change my diet.' And he said that was fine. I ended up changing my diet because the remedies were bring up a lot of extreme emotions and even severe dizziness. I have found the blood type diet to actually help me but not in the huge way I was hoping i.e. to instantly to cure my anxiety. Instead, I now eat when I am depressed, while I use to starve. I don't have PMS anymore such as irritability and depression (but that stuff comes out at other times still). There are other positive things but I don't know if its' because of the homeopathy; blood type diet or other stuff...

So I do believe that blood type diets are a last resort treatment. You basically can't eat out at very many places and they are so complicated that you need a book to figure out what you can and cannot eat.

I can't eat meat or poulty out because when I tried eating chicken I got a head-ache on 2 separate occasions. I'm guessing the same would happen with eating regular beef so I only eat organic. My body is now sensitive to the hormones in regular meat or poultry. That's all I can figure.

I can eat tofu or fish though.

Salt is only allowed if it's sea salt or Himalayan salt. i.e - no table salt.

I am not eating milk or milk products because mainly because they are pasteurized.

I read on-line that table salt can leach your body of calcium. This is alright if you are drinking milk, etc. but for me I try not to have table salt ever and I really don't eat much or out of a can so I think I am doing well. I talk 1000mg of calcium in pill form and vitamin D added to my pills. I also take tissue salts. My doctor says this method is healthy. I asked for a blood test of my calcium levels although the test results were lost so I asked for a re-test.

I think I am quite healthy though.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

Our Date - "Julie & Julia!"

Yesterday Kerri and I went on our 1st date since I moved in with her 2 1/2 months ago! I mean sure we have gone out a lot with others but this was the 1st time in a long time it was just me and her. Kerri, knowing that I don't share her fascination with horror, sci-fi or adventure movies, picked out 4 movies for me to choose. There were 3 romantic comedies and one that was a true story called 'Julie and Julia'. I picked the true story! Here is the trailer:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vjvJHsJD8ic

Julie is played by Meryl Streep who does a rather comical but well acted version of Julia Child. Julia Child became famous for her French cooking years back but her name is still very well known. Julia Child died of kidney failure in 2002 when she was 92 years old.

Amy Adams played Julie Powell. Julie is a blogger who was enamored by Julia Child and wanted to be just like her. So, she cooked every one of Julia Child's 536 recipes in 365 days! Tiring (she had a day job too)! She brought her blog readers on a journey of her cooking and made a book about her story!

I love true stories! I also, of course love the fact that this movie was about a blogger and I could relate to her being excited about getting comments and being serious about wanting to write everyday.

Kerri could relate about it being difficult for me sharing some of our dirty laundry. She never complains so I didn't really know it bothered her but I can understand it would. I am sooo lucky to have her support in this. She is really cool about being on here which is awesome! I try to keep my blog about me and not to bother people. I haven't lost any friends over it yet anyways, lol...

Kerri found Julie Powell's blog for me. Kerri is awesome at finding things for me! All that was coming up for me were other people talking about Julie Powell. Anywhoo, here is the link.

http://blogs.salon.com/0001399/2002/08/25.html

Julie stopped writing her blog in 2002.

Kerri and I both loved this movie. In fact, I can't find anyone who doesn't like this movie!

Anywhoo it's a beautiful day and I am going to go get ready for the day and later cook a tofu recipe with 1 cup of fresh basil and 8 cloves of garlic, mmmm! :-).

Saturday, September 19, 2009

Cat Run! Dog Chase!

So, yesterday Bobby (as seen in the pic on the right) the dog came over. He is staying with us for 2 weeks!
He is a beagle but perhaps a mix breed as he is pretty big for a beagle.

Bobby is pretty quiet. He usually only barks if someone comes to the door.

And he looks thrilled to have his picture taken, lol...
Bob the cat has never had a issue with Bobby the dog. Bobby the dog doesn't really bother with Bob the cat. They hang in the same room and walk along side each other...but Bob the cat was introduced to dogs at a young age. That helps.
Meanwhile here are Taters and Speckle hiding in fear under my bed. They have been hanging out here most of the time since yesterday.

Speckle was in the living room and Bobby came in. She started running. So Bobby chased her. She didn't understand that he wouldn't have bothered with her if she had just casually walked by. Bobby just wanted to sniff her as Speckle would do to him is she wasn't such a scaredy-cat!

Bobby doesn't mind cats but still, poor Taters and Speckle! We do cordon off the 2nd floor so that the cats an come downstairs but Bobby can't come up. We aren't trying to force them on each other. But I am hoping Speckle will get over her intense fear of dogs and make a new friend. Bobby just lives next door! That would be sweet but ya know....

For now though Bob the cat is allowed out but Speckle and Tate are not. We can't have Speckle and Tate going out and running away :-(.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Gearing Up For The 5th Annual Book Race!

I have been volunteering for over 5 years now. This is instead of working as I found working to stressful with my anxiety and depression etc...One of the places I volunteer with is with ALSO. ALSO stands for Alternative Learning Styles and Outlooks. It is a non-profit organization aimed at helping adults with English credits and there is no charge to the students.

ALSO also has a baby room for day-care on a drop-in basis. And the teachers visit kindergarten or preschool groups and bring packs with books and activities for the kids borrow.

We are currently in the midst of prepping for our 5th Annual Book Race that takes place next Saturday morning. That's September 26th at 10am. The race will start at Stanley Park (New Edinburgh Park is the name some use), in Ottawa, Canada. I will be cooking or helping to cook. Probably a lot of chopping up stuff and for salads and that. At the end will be a free BBQ and it's rain or shine. Here is the link...

http://www.also-ottawa.org/amazing-book-race/

This is not a race like you may be thinking of. For the ALSO race you will be in teams of 4 or 5. It's a fundraiser so each team pays $100 to register. You need to bus to get to some of the stations. Stations are at bookstores or libraries around Ottawa. At every station there will be a fun activity to do.

If anyone is interested you can register in advance or on the day of the race. I hope the sun shines down on the day of the Amazing Book Race!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

The On-Going Amusements In 3 A Cat Household...

I'm still happy! It's been a week! I'm happy I'm getting out more and meeting friends. I'm happy I can get only 6 hours of sleep at night and feel refreshed. I love it that I can make Kerri laugh. That makes me happy too.

Tate and Speckle have been amusing me. Last night evening Speckle was hyper (she gets hyper A LOT). Hope, Kerri's daughter, Kerri and I were watching TV in the living room when we see Speckle running down the hall. She misses all 5 of the stairs leading downstairs of our split level house she lands on the floor then promptly disappears behind a cabinet for a few minutes. The flying Speckle! This morning Kerri was leaving for work and Speckle was running up and down trees (showing off no doubt). Tate hasn't taken up this sport thank heavens, lol. Here are 2 pics of Tate. He is just too funny!

The first pic here on the right is Tate on top of Bob who is sleeping (or trying too). Tate climbed right on top of him and is licking and licking his head. Eventually Bob got annoyed and left. Tate stayed in the chair. Poor Bob! I think Tate just wanted to play. He is waaaay to friendly sometimes!


Here is Taters (Tate) again. Kerri was sitting on the couch and I beside her using her laptop to show her a Susan Boyle Video that other Kerry commented on on Facebook. It was a remake of Wild Horses. I was thinking 'Wild Cats!' as Tate goes flying over me and lands behind Kerri. He just stays there so eventually Kerri wants to sit back and has to move the little guy, lol...

Here is the video that I was showing Kerri.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjAkq5iMHZw

Susan Boyle is inspirational in that she is not the stereotypical young pretty girl but yet who cares! She is a great singer! It doesn't matter what a person looks like on the outside. It's the inside that counts!

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Feeling Happy!!!

I have been feeling good for 6 days in a row now. It's now Wednesday. I know I was tired and frustrated on Sunday. But I wasn't angry or any of that. I was tired; slept and bounced back!

I now feel more motivated to hang with friends. It feels comfy to be living in the country and be driving around (I still won't go on the highway unless it's Sunday and Kerri is with me). I am happy!!!! What's that? I think just not having as many worries at the moment is helping.

I have job prospects for the future but I'm taking it slow. I know that I have had good periods before and sometimes unfortunately they are followed by dips. Having hope is good though. It propels us forward and we are able to make changes in our lives; meet friends. Have a bit of fun :-).

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Crafting Night With 'The Rainbow Group'

Kerri and I went out to crafting night last evening. We went to our friends April and Brittany's apartment with 2 other lesbians we had met at the gay drop-in activity night a couple of months back. We came bearing NO crafts :-O! We didn't even think to ask. I had thought about suggesting to bring stuff to Kerri at the wrong time and then promptly forgot, lol! Isn't that always the way????

I was telling Kerri in the car on the way home not to worry about being the only one without crafts. I told her when I was a teen we use to go to peoples house to drink for BYOB (Bring your own booze). I figured if it was a BYOC then they would have told us, lol. It's OK though, next Monday Kerri will bake muffins for everyone :-). We were a bit embarrassed though. Everyone else was chatting and giggly. They all seemed so close. Kerri and I hadn't been back to activity night in a while mainly because I have been always so tired and she didn't want to go alone all the time (but she did go alone once, which was totally cool with me!).

So, we were pretty quiet last night and are in general until we feel comfy with people. I think that pretty normal. April was good at including us into the conversation and all that....it was a fun night!

Fortunately April was well prepared to share her beads with us so all was A-OK! Kerri and I are in the midst of making a pride bracelet. The rainbow is a gay pride symbol. Some people criticise Gays using the rainbow as a Pride symbol because they love rainbows and are not gay. But for us gay folk we love it! It's beautiful. I have the Pride symbol in my bedroom in the pic on the right. Kerri put it there totally forgetting it was a Pride symbol, lol.

I shall post a pic of the bracelet if I ever finish it. I only got to do the red and orange strands. The bracelet kept knotting or coming undone. Very frustrating and complicated if you ask me, lol. But when it's all done it will be beautiful!

Monday, September 14, 2009

We Think Therefore We Are....

I feel that my mental illness is bigger and stronger then I am. It's obvious, isn't it? I call in sick a lot. I'm physically able to come in but I am mentally overcome by anxiety, fatigue or depression.

Feeling depressed today, I told my therapist Haley, that I feel discouraged because I can't be who I want to be. I told her that I feel swallowed up by my illness. I was hoping she would pity and fix me so that I could leave and go get a job or something. Haley just looked at me and said 'I don't like it when you talk about yourself in that way.' She then had me write down the affirmation Everyday and everyway I am getting better and better. I am much bigger then my mental health issues.

As I was driving home I was thinking about not saying the affirmation. Why should I say something that is a lie? Then I remembered back to how, I am convinced, saying loving affirmations repeatedly have stopped me from cutting myself. I don't even think of cutting myself at all anymore. It's been a year since I cut.

When I am upset I need to remember to do loving and soothing things for myself. Not only that but also I need to remember that what I tell myself becomes my reality. Bad stuff happens to everybody but we have to think positively in order to gain strength! Life is hard but so is all that toxic negativity we feed ourselves...

I am looking forward to tonight. Kerri and I are going out to see our friends April and Brittany. They are also in a same sex relationship. It feels good to be able to go out some. Because I have been a virtual slave to my mental illness Kerri and I have been staying home a lot. We use to make plans but then I would sometimes end up cancelling due to anxiety mostly. Today I can appreciate that I am well. I appreciate being me and have a great time tonight!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Fatigue...The On-Going Nuisance...

This morning I woke up with the intention of going back to my Quaker meeting. Although I felt a bit tired, I was all excited about it. It's been a year and a half since I attended the meeting. I soo miss my friends there and the warmth and the peaceful feeling I get when I am there. The feeling lingers with me for the rest of the day/ week/ or until the need meeting.

I am not at my Quaker meeting today do due fatigue. There is always something keeping me away from my meeting. Most of the time I can't do what I want to do and I actually cry about it. My body gets tired. Sleep is an issue. Anxiety and depression are an issue. I sooo want to live my life to the fullest and I know that this is not an option quite yet and it breaks my heart. I see others doing the things I only wish I could do.

Some day I hope I can be the person I want to be...for today maybe I just need to rest though....I have been busy busy the last 2 days. I got stuff done but there is always more to do :-S.

Now comes the worry of whether or not I will be able to muster the strength to go out this week. I hope so....

I really need to do something to relax now though. Blogging reminds me of what I need to do for myself....awwww breathe!

Saturday, September 12, 2009

We Love You Taters!


Little Taters, the cat, is home after 2 days on the run (or temporally adopted by another family).
Kerri and I were soooo worried! Hope, Kerri's daughter was not home much so we didn't tell her her cat was missing. Kerri was going to tell her today and go to all the neigbhours with flyers but then he came home late last evening and Hope found out.

I was shaking my head because Hope's first cat, Cassandra, went out and never ever came home. How could this happen to Hope's cats twice while I've had 4 cats and none of them stayed away for more then 8 hours at a time and always came home on their own.

Kerri was blaming herself as she was the one allowing Hope's cats to go out. I was trying to reassure Kerri that it wasn't her fault. How did she know this would happen? I blamed myself as Kerri was watching Speckle having such fun out in the yard. She only wanted Tate to have a bit of fun and burn off some of his boundless energy.

So, Hope definitely not ever allowing us to let Taters out again now! I am not sure how we are going to do that since cats are so sneaky and all. But if it means Taters is home safe then I am all for it. He seems happy and playful still. Speckle and Bob love Taters. They were both acting all insecure and over cuddly when Tate was gone....
Tate we love you buddy! Stay home; stay safe; play lots!

Friday, September 11, 2009

A Toast To Beautiful Days....

I'm OK! No cancer or cyst found at all! I had been thinking cancer was a given due to my high anxiety. Surely my immune system was compromised. But I'm healthy as far as I know. Who knew?

I was told the news right as the mammogram and ultrasound were given to me...Kerri was with me but she wasn't allowed in with me for the mammogram. She was however allowed in with me for the ultrasound although the technician said when I asked 'Does she have to?' I said 'Yes, because I'm anxious.'

Kerri rubbed my bare feet the whole time the ultrasound wand was rubbing over my breast with the cool lubricant. Having Kerri's warm, soft hands rubbing my feet helped to relax and soothe me. I am ever thankful for her being there and helping me through this scary time!

I'm clueless as to how 2 doctor's felt 2 lumps in my breasts while at yesterday's mammogram and ultrasound there was nothing to be seen at all - not even a cyst! That's awesome though! Maybe it was because the docs felt my breasts the day before my period? Or my homeopath Terrance gave me a healing remedy that broke it up when I saw him last week? I didn't think the remedies worked that fast. Maybe in 2 weeks there would have been a change from the remedy, but who knows...All I know is YAY!!!!

I want to live a long; healthy and happy life. And yes death scares me. It's the unknown. I also wouldn't want my loved ones to be missing me. Who knows heaven might be this beautiful place but we don't know that for sure.

I watched my dad die at home of skin cancer when I was 11. I know the many months or years of pain cancer can steal from a person. My dad suffered for 6 months. It was wonderful having him at home throughout his illness though. I just don't want want to suffer that pain. When my body is tired and read to go (waaaay of into the distant future) I want to just go in my sleep. Or maybe with a little warning so my loved ones can say good-bye :-).

I want to have lived a long and productive life. I hope to have contributed to society in some huge way and also to have met peace in my life!

Today should be a great one! I feel well enough to drive into the city for my volunteer job and do errands and maybe meet up with friends I haven't seen in awhile for tea...

A toast to beautiful days!!!!

Thursday, September 10, 2009

As I Shiver In Anticipation Of Today's Ultrasound And Mammogram!!!

Yesterday I got the call to go and have an ultrasound for the 2 cyst-like lumps in my right breast that the doc found last week (my case-manager Jenn was with me behind the curtain and heard them say 2 lumps 1 in the left and 2 in the right, but I hope she heard that wrong). I am also scheduled for a mammogram and I've never had one of those before. Kerri is going with me. She's taking the afternoon off work. She's been trying to cheer me up I think. She's all happy but supportive since the call yesterday even though she's petrified of losing me. Meanwhile, I was in a daze.

I have found out some info to help me understand what is going on regarding when I will have the answer to what if anything I have that needs treatment. Kerri called up a friend who was treated for breast cancer in Ottawa and the scope is if you have cancer you will probably get 'the call' within 24 hours of the ultrasound and mammogram. Only at the docs appointment will they tell you anything for sure though. If you don't have cancer or have a just a cyst then you might not hear anything for 10 days...So the old saying no news is good news!

I have thought about not having any sort of reconstructive surgery if I do have cancer. I want the safest and most natural course of action. Instead, I will get implants if I need to lose a Breast down the road. No one can really tell if you are wearing implants or not. I have seen people with them and not known the difference. They make special bras and bathing suits for the implants so you can live a normal life!

I also went on my Homeopathy forum on and talked to one guy (not from my homeopaths clinic) who says his wife had Breast Cancer and was treated with homeopathy for it and the cancer was gone in 3 months...

I am going to do both use both homeopathy and western medicine. If it's just a cyst hopefully I won't need any treatment. Or if treatment is suggested I will try to ask for a 3 months wait for any surgery to remove it. In that time I can do my homeopathy and then get the tests again to see if surgery is still needed. Hopefully the doc will understand.

Luckily Breast Cancer is easy to treat as I'm sooo not done living and I don't even feel that I have begun yet!

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Help! I Need A Crash Course On Trust And Flexiblity....


It's true that I'm having huge issues of trust with Kerri. I feel it's from my past (and watching true crime on TV) not that that helps Kerri feel any better. Doesn't our past come back to haunt us sometimes (or often, ick!)? I had friends steal and borrow money from me that they never repaid. Also when my dad died I was 11, my mom who had no job at the time, told my brother and I that we didn't have much money. For myself who was use to having anything I wanted, I was extremely fearful. I wondered what would happen to my family and we had no support in town. No family. Only friends who we kept our problems hidden from.

Because I have no job so I am much more careful then when I was working. Yes I did work as a Health Care Aide 7 years ago. That didn't pay a lot but I was living with my folks so I was not hurting and I loved the job...

It hurt me immensely when my friends seemed to just want more and more money from me as if that was all they wanted in our friendship. I felt I was being used. So, when I see money issues come up I clamp down and get scared. I don't want this relationship to end like the others. Abandonment is a huge fear of mine and Kerri's too.

I set out my limits with Kerri before I moved in and told her what I could afford and all that. Everything was fine until I moved in when things changed and suddenly money became an issue. I think we can work this out though. We have a lot of help from all around. I have dreams of one day having a great job and us both working and making good money. We can conquer the world!

I know that another problem I have is dealing with change. I am also not a flexible person. I need to work on this. Kerri says I nag and I know I do sometimes. I worry about her but I know I need to trust her to do what she feels is right. I will be there in the end whatever the outcome. I love her more then anything. I do want help to change but I feel I need a crash course immediately....

I feel overwhelmed with everything that is going on in our relationship right now. I just want a cuddle and a kiss but I am instead alone in my bedroom and this is sooo where I don't want to be. I tried to take a bubble bath but I started crying and ended up back in bed even before I turned on the water.

Hopefully today Kerri can forgive me for not trusting her yesterday. Hopefully I can get well. I am sort of lost as to how this is going to happen. But who knows....


Here is a picture I shot last night at bed-time. Tate was giving this stuffed bear that Kerri gave me as a birthday present a bath. I was like 'Tate, stop that I want to take the bear to bed and cuddle him." LOL, but he continued a good 2 minutes or so...I wonder if he realized it was a stuffed animal :-P.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Oh, The Day Starts With A Jolt. What To Do?

I feel angry and yet unfortunately this is soo usual for me. I feel angry because my girlfriend Kerri's alarm clock was beeping at me from her bedroom in the next room. I do wear expensive fitted ear plugs but I can still hear a lot! Kerri was actually downstairs and didn't even hear her alarm so I had to get up out of bed and go into her bedroom to shut it off...I was still tired but too angry to go back to zzz-land argh!). Getting a good night sleep is so hard!!!

It's no wonder Kerri doesn't believe in Homeopathy. I have been doing Homeopathy since December for anxiety and it has not done much, if anything to help it as of yet. On the plus side it has almost completely wiped out my seasonal allergies; taken away the chronic back pain, and my knee pain that use to keep me from walking more then 3 minutes at a time. So I have hope that Homeopathy with take away my anxiety, in time.

Homeopathy works on healing all of you bit by bit. You can't just see a Homeopathic Practitioner (or at least the one I see) for like one thing. It just doesn't work that way. I do pay for Homeopathy but I do know that it has saved me time and money already. I use to go 2x a week to an Acupuncturist, Dr. Yang. I stared out seeing Dr. Yang for my anxiety. That lasted a year but didn't help it over all. It was nice though, like a massage. It was heavenly until the needles got taken out and I left the office. I saw Dr. Yang a second year for the chronic back pain that lasted a year. Acupuncture it didn't help my back or my anxiety because it wasn't able to help the underlying cause if my symptoms....So now I have more time and money to do other things and more money to spend on other things.

With my knee problem, I was almost ready to go pay for a physiotherapist because the wait list for an OHIP one was so lengthy...I told my Homeopath Terrance that maybe I need something for my knee because its not going away and it had been 2 months of pain. Terrance gave me something for it and 2 weeks later I woke up with this pain in the right side of my lower back (my knee pain was in the right and so were the probable cysts found in my breast). After an hour the pain moved to my middle back and then an hour later it was gone. I was intrigued since Homeopathy brings stuff out... but I wasn't paying much attention until 3 days later when I was walking with my case-manager Jenn. Jenn says 'You are not wearing your tensor!' I'm like 'Oh yeah, cool!' This was last week and I've been walking on it lots and it feels so good to be healed. All I had to do was put a drop of remedy on my tongue 5 x a day! I didn't pay a cent for physio although I did ask my family doc for a sheet of physio exercises to do on my own at home for my knee. Doctor's can give out info like that no problem...

About my anger though, Kerri that I need my sleep. I'm sure her not shutting off her alarm was an honest mistake. When I get angry though I get that speedy feeling when I rage like this. Kerri wonders if it's bipolar or rapid cycling sometimes because I get all racing and then the next moment I am fine but embarrassed and filled with shame. I don't know how to take it down.

I do know that I need food, again. This is where I feel so trapped. The nearest food store would be an hour walk away and I there are only rush hour buses that would take me. This means on only one direction unless I take an hour an a half to go in the other direction including a half hour walk to the bus stop. I was able to drive and I shopping 2 days ago. But I misjudged that I would run out of lettuce so fast. Now I have barely any left for the chicken salad I want to make for lunch today. I also noticed at breakfast that there are only enough eggs to last me until Saturday but everyone uses the eggs so I am sure I won't breakfast soon either. My girlfriend says she won't drive me for food today. I am so agitated I don't think driving is a safe decision on my own.

In 2 days I have to go on a special 6 day diet for a colon cancer test. For this test I will have to drastically cut down my vitamin C and cut out beef entirely. Cutting down vitamin C is scary as I worry this will compromise my already stressed out immune system and make me physically sick! But, I do want to do the test since there are already cyst like bumps in my breasts I know I need to be careful although there is a history of breast cancer and none of colon cancer...awww breathe!

Monday, September 7, 2009

The Dog Comes Over Today!!!!


Today is the day that Bobby comes...he's a dog...here he is with Kerri in the picture on the right.

Ummm, dog's are Speckle's worst fears! I do hope she won't run away. I had wanted to keep her in the house when he was here but then Kerri and I are going to couple's counselling with my therapist Haley today so we can't very well let her stay couped up upstairs with only a baby gate blocking him. He has been known to knock over the gate!

I am hopeful that Haley can assist Kerri and I in our relationship. We have been happy all weekend and I only got a bit agitated and impatient once or twice. I am sooo wanting to be with Kerri for a long long time. Hopefully forever. I love her sooo much!
It is going to be another beautiful sunny day today and so I'm hoping for a good one!

Sunday, September 6, 2009

Pets And Engevita Yeast...


I did it! I drove on the Queensway today (Ottawa's intercity highway)!

I have driven on the Queensway before but in the last year I have been so scared of driving especially on the Queensway that I would get nervous because of the on-ramp. There you have a herd of cars coming at you at 100 km an hour and you have to merge in front of them before your lane may quickly end! Luckily I have a long on-ramp going on near home and coming back there were no cars in the merge lane (phew!). Kerri was with me. I had at first told her that I wanted to drive with her today but not on the highway. It would have been at least a half hour ride away if we didn't take that highway. She had that look of 'You are NOT going the slow way are you?', lol. I quickly decided that since I promised to try the highway out on Sunday when their was less traffic, then today was my day to do so!

Since we did take the Queensway it took us only about half that time to go to the Herb & Spice on Wellington. That is the only place or location in Ottawa that I can find the cat's Engevita Yeast! (****not anymore - see update at bottom) If you tell the cashier at Herb & Spice you are buying Engevita Yeast for your cat (or dog) they are clueless but curious as to why. I buy it because it is used to keep the fleas away (fleas had the new taste of the animals dander apparently) and it also makes cats and dogs hypoallergenic! The latter I have tested on 2 people with cat allergies and it seems to work like a charm!


Engevita Yeast (or engivita yeast which is identical) tastes like cheesy popcorn or something. It is just B Vitamins and completely safe for cats/ dogs although I can't find any literature to back up my claims (my past therapist's hubby did the research and it's basically word of mouth as far as I can tell).

All you need to do is sprinkle it on the dog or cat's food 2x a day. You can sprinkle it on hard or soft food. Our cats had only hard food. Some pets like it and some don't. I'm not sure that Bob and Tate like it but Speckle loves it! She'll lick it off your fingers, lol. Regardless I have never had a cat refuse it...

Also, it does not work as well on long haired cats as far as people having allergies to a cat but it works better then it did before we tried it in my experience....

If not all the cats/ dogs in the household are eating it then people who do have allergies will still get a reaction even from only one of the multiple pets as the dander will be everywhere.

For people with cat allergies, Engivita Yeast works best on short haired cats (from testing it myself and chatting on people who are allergic) although it still works better then no Engivita Yeast on long haired cats too....

 Also I think if someone is allergic then having a cat or dog that you are allergic too is not wise even if using the yeast. The reason being is that what if you go on holidays and your pet sitter does not use it then what do you do, come home and get rid of the pet???? My past pet sitter was afraid to use the yeast for fear Speckle would expand but Engevita yeast is not Brewer's Yeast, lol. It's inactive yeast and she is only a 9 pound cat who has been using it for 2 years!

There is another yeast more widely available called Nutritional Yeast. Nutritional Yeast has the same ingredients as Engevita Yeast and if you ask for Engevita Yeast they may hand you Nutritional Yeast. My 'source' has told me that these products are completely different due to the way they are processed. So Nutritional Yeast does not help with fleas or allergies.

Also, some vets have heard of the benefits of Engevita Yeast for animals, while others look at you with a blank look on their face...

I would like to see if our cats are still causing allergy problems for our house visitors (anyone with cat allergies) in about a month. In one month Bob and Tate will have hopefully eaten enough of the yeast to make an impact as it takes 6-8 weeks before you can really tell if it's working....Speckle is waaaay ahead :-P.

******UPDATE - I cannot find Engivita yeast in Ottawa so only get it at Amazon.ca with Everland

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Sometimes It's Just Worth Pushing Yourself To Do It!


Kerri and I didn't actually sign the lease yesterday. Our landlords had another trick up their sleeves and it sent both of us into major stress land. I decided to invite my step-dad Jim with us when we do end up signing the lease on Tuesday. Jim is coming thank-fully. Thanks Jim! Both Kerri and I are really nervous about signing a lease. We have not totally worked out the wrinkles in our relationship but we always do in the end and usually both end up in tears because we sooo love each other and want this to work!

Today I woke up in tears telling Kerri I wasn't going with her on her Organic Farm adventure. It was to be an all day trip about an hour away from Ottawa in the Province of Quebec. I ended up pulling myself together with the help of breakfast; Lavender Oil and Valerian. We had a great day.

At first we were driving along the Queensway and saw this beautiful array of air balloons above. It was soo cool! There is always so much going on it Ottawa we didn't even know there was a festival! Hard to keep track, lol...


Here is a close-up of the bumble bee balloon on the left!








...and a real bumble bee on the right!
Kerri is great at finding bugs and stuff...she actually saw a cricket in the grass while walking around. I couldn't see a thing but maybe she was joking (remember the Snuffalophagus from Sesame Street or the Polkaroo from Polka Dot Door?).

I did however get a great shot of this toad in Kerri's hands. We were warned not to touch the toad for long as our sweat glands are toxic to toads! I hope we didn't injure the little guy!

I was glad I was allowed go on this adventure! The bus was all filled but at the last minute one of the girls called in sick! Kerri and I thought it was a great deal as we didn't have to pay gas or anything. There was free produce and homemade apple crisp. It was a beautiful day!

Friday, September 4, 2009

Lease Day - Yikes!!!

I'm sooo nervous today. Today is the day I sign a year long lease to live with Kerri. I have never had to sign a year long lease but apparently this is the norm nowadays...Now we both have to trust in each other to pay off. We are in this together. I still don't really understand how this stuff goes but I called my support line who employs knowledgeable social workers, for advice this morning at like 6:50am. That's right another money issue came up between Kerri and I and I needed advice FAST!

The advice I got was that 1. I should be paying the landlord and not my girlfriend who is also on the lease. I need to make sure that if anything happens like this morning I am not responsible to pay the full amount of rent even if Kerri tells me she will pay me back...

2. I am suppose to get the receipt from the landlord. I had thought that we were going to get a joint receipt and photocopy it so I don't know if we get separate receipts like that...

I decided I really need to ask my parents who are also my trustees (and my step-dad is a landlord who is well knowledgeable of what is suppose to happen today).

I am concerned that money and other issues keep coming up. Kerri and I keep getting our issues sorted and then new things keep coming up...how long does this part of the relationship last? I feel that Kerri blames me for all of our problems but I know that that is far from true. I was pretty clear about what I could and could not do before I even came live with her...I do love her and want to work stuff out together though, yes I do (as I daydream about nail biting and hairpulling...).

I want to show you this kewl picture of a Grasshopper I took yesterday! We have a lot more bugs out here in the country then I ever saw in the city! Kerri begs to differ though but me thinks I am correct, lol...