I feel that my mental illness is bigger and stronger then I am. It's obvious, isn't it? I call in sick a lot. I'm physically able to come in but I am mentally overcome by anxiety, fatigue or depression.
Feeling depressed today, I told my therapist Haley, that I feel discouraged because I can't be who I want to be. I told her that I feel swallowed up by my illness. I was hoping she would pity and fix me so that I could leave and go get a job or something. Haley just looked at me and said 'I don't like it when you talk about yourself in that way.' She then had me write down the affirmation Everyday and everyway I am getting better and better. I am much bigger then my mental health issues.
As I was driving home I was thinking about not saying the affirmation. Why should I say something that is a lie? Then I remembered back to how, I am convinced, saying loving affirmations repeatedly have stopped me from cutting myself. I don't even think of cutting myself at all anymore. It's been a year since I cut.
When I am upset I need to remember to do loving and soothing things for myself. Not only that but also I need to remember that what I tell myself becomes my reality. Bad stuff happens to everybody but we have to think positively in order to gain strength! Life is hard but so is all that toxic negativity we feed ourselves...
I am looking forward to tonight. Kerri and I are going out to see our friends April and Brittany. They are also in a same sex relationship. It feels good to be able to go out some. Because I have been a virtual slave to my mental illness Kerri and I have been staying home a lot. We use to make plans but then I would sometimes end up cancelling due to anxiety mostly. Today I can appreciate that I am well. I appreciate being me and have a great time tonight!
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