It's true that I'm having huge issues of trust with Kerri. I feel it's from my past (and watching true crime on TV) not that that helps Kerri feel any better. Doesn't our past come back to haunt us sometimes (or often, ick!)? I had friends steal and borrow money from me that they never repaid. Also when my dad died I was 11, my mom who had no job at the time, told my brother and I that we didn't have much money. For myself who was use to having anything I wanted, I was extremely fearful. I wondered what would happen to my family and we had no support in town. No family. Only friends who we kept our problems hidden from.
Because I have no job so I am much more careful then when I was working. Yes I did work as a Health Care Aide 7 years ago. That didn't pay a lot but I was living with my folks so I was not hurting and I loved the job...
It hurt me immensely when my friends seemed to just want more and more money from me as if that was all they wanted in our friendship. I felt I was being used. So, when I see money issues come up I clamp down and get scared. I don't want this relationship to end like the others. Abandonment is a huge fear of mine and Kerri's too.
I set out my limits with Kerri before I moved in and told her what I could afford and all that. Everything was fine until I moved in when things changed and suddenly money became an issue. I think we can work this out though. We have a lot of help from all around. I have dreams of one day having a great job and us both working and making good money. We can conquer the world!
I know that another problem I have is dealing with change. I am also not a flexible person. I need to work on this. Kerri says I nag and I know I do sometimes. I worry about her but I know I need to trust her to do what she feels is right. I will be there in the end whatever the outcome. I love her more then anything. I do want help to change but I feel I need a crash course immediately....
I feel overwhelmed with everything that is going on in our relationship right now. I just want a cuddle and a kiss but I am instead alone in my bedroom and this is sooo where I don't want to be. I tried to take a bubble bath but I started crying and ended up back in bed even before I turned on the water.
Hopefully today Kerri can forgive me for not trusting her yesterday. Hopefully I can get well. I am sort of lost as to how this is going to happen. But who knows....
I know that another problem I have is dealing with change. I am also not a flexible person. I need to work on this. Kerri says I nag and I know I do sometimes. I worry about her but I know I need to trust her to do what she feels is right. I will be there in the end whatever the outcome. I love her more then anything. I do want help to change but I feel I need a crash course immediately....
I feel overwhelmed with everything that is going on in our relationship right now. I just want a cuddle and a kiss but I am instead alone in my bedroom and this is sooo where I don't want to be. I tried to take a bubble bath but I started crying and ended up back in bed even before I turned on the water.
Hopefully today Kerri can forgive me for not trusting her yesterday. Hopefully I can get well. I am sort of lost as to how this is going to happen. But who knows....
Here is a picture I shot last night at bed-time. Tate was giving this stuffed bear that Kerri gave me as a birthday present a bath. I was like 'Tate, stop that I want to take the bear to bed and cuddle him." LOL, but he continued a good 2 minutes or so...I wonder if he realized it was a stuffed animal :-P.
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