Monday, November 30, 2009
I was anxious this morning because I thought Kerri was rejecting me by seeming to be emotionally distant at times. Fortunately she called me on the fact that I was also pulling away emotionally to protect myself from the further pain of perceived rejection (I can't say that my pulling away helped my anxiety any). Fortunately we talked about what was going on for both of us. Kerri told me it wasn't about me and she just withdraws while under stress. I knew that was probably true rationally but my emotional mind still harboured great insecurities over the perceived sense of unlove I felt.
It seems that if I don't my get constant love vibes I feel like I'm in waaaay to much pain. Honestly! Life was simpler when I was single, lol. Our talk brought me to tears though which took a huge load off my shoulders. I think it was great that we were able to talk things out. I know it's hard for me when Kerri pulls away but this is what helps her deal so I will have to think up strategies to help me. Fitting that we have our relationship counselling tomorrow :-).
Kerri took me to do some food shopping. I still needed a few things. She did too. This afternoon shopping trip did not help my anxiety but I am soooo happy that I got the food I couldn't get the other day. I now have my sucanut (organic sugar) so I can make my baked apple, chocolate, and strawberry sorbet.
Kerri says she understands about my agoraphobia and that I am not able to do stuff outside without huge anxiety a lot of the time. I do feel really bad that I moved in with her and then sort of went into hibernation mode all of a sudden. It's not like I didn't do this at my folks place when I lived with them in the spring and before but it has been pretty bad lately, my illness. I want to much to be of help and not a lump on a log!
This evening I feel much relieved that I won't need anything at the supermarket for awhile. Further Kerri rushed out to Costco with myself and Hope in tow to get an actual food processor tonight. I had been using a blender to make humus and sorbet but the motor was sounding too taxed. I already broke the first blender of Kerri's and my folks gave us the new one (they found it in the bowels of their basement and it worked!) but I didn't realize that blenders and not really meant for solid food unless it's watered down quite a bit. Anywhoo we are all set kitchen-wise for a bit me hopes (and we stocked up on yummy smelling scented candles too :-).
Sunday, November 29, 2009
I am enjoying my time cuddling with Kerri and watching a mooovie (soon we will be hibernating watching Christmas mooovies :-D) but things have been pretty tense lately between Kerri and I. I've come to the conclusion that a loving relationship (or is it just puppy love lust) is bipolar at the best and worst of times. Kerri is my first love but I hear this from others in relationships too. I am seeing patterns in myself and in Kerri so maybe I can start building up the walls of indifference before the storm strikes from now on?
Three days ago my homeopath, Terrance, started detoxing me off Celexa and Haldol. These drugs were horrible for me!
Celexa is an anti-depressant. It gave me a horrible chronic back ache all up my spine for the whole two weeks I was on it. Further I ended up losing 15 pounds in those two weeks. I couldn't eat more then a bite at every meal before I felt stuff to the gills! I reported this to the staff and they didn't believe me that I wasn't eating. Um, they were the ones taking my trays back. Another thing about Celexa is that I ended up getting a painful infection in on my gums due to the fact that the drug made me shake so bad I couldn't brush my teeth even a little for those two weeks. I was an in-patient in the psych ward at the time seven years ago and I did have to endure a lot. But hey I was manic for my whole stay until my psychiatrist Dr. Dinton started me off on Lithium...manic as an in-patient for seven weeks and the the staff couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, wierdness!
Haldol is just a really painful drug for me to be on. They use to give it to me as a prn anti-psychotic. It caused me to have trouble breathing. My tongue lost the ability to compress so I had to keep spitting. I was in soooo much pain in my jaw which felt locked. I would try to scream and cry but this was hard because my mouth was so stiff. The staff would have to give me a needle of Cogentin in my butt cheek to bring down the reaction. Cogentin comes in pill form but this never helped me.
Could my detoxing off these medications that were so wrong for me be why my anxiety and depression have been so extreme? Yep, could be. Or not, who knows. Homeopathy does bring stuff out though. Or not, anywhoo, Terrance has told me NOT to come of my psych meds. I asked him if my meds are the reason why I have such extreme reactions to the homeopathic remedies and detoxing etc. He says I'm not ready to wean myself off anything and I know that but to here him say that made me feel good because I was feeling like western medicine and homeopathy were like clashing or something.
I also have trichotillomania which is a hair pulling disorder in the obsessive compulsive disorder family. It's a compulsion. I have been hair pulling more then normal for the past couple of weeks. I do this when I am anxious (which is most of the time). My mom says she can get me something herbal to stop it but I think if I just work on my anxiety and my issue - the underlying causes and detox then I will be OK. I use to have an actual bald spot but I don't think it's that bad now. I had stopped for a bit one time after this one lady at my old group home use to scream at me every time she saw me pull my hair out. Yes it did work to be screamed at. I hated it though, so don't anyone get ideas :-P.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
Kerri took me out shopping today. This was a very hard time for both of us. I could hardly breathe. You know that smothered feeling. It kinda freaks me out! It's been 3 hours since we got home and I am still holding my breath most of the time aka feeling smothered. When I do this my anxiety gets worse and worse. It's come to the point where I know that I will not be able to go out with Kerri and her friends for dinner to celebrate one of Kerri's friend's kids birthday's. I am just so tired and just want to be alone where I can fight back the tears of frustration.
I am also frustrated that I am noticing that some people around me are miss-reading situations that are not in my control at this time. I try to explain how hard it is for me and what is really going on in my head but I feel that I am not being heard. It's as if I was still my rage-aholic former self and people sure misunderstood me then. I thought trying to explain things without raising my voice that things would be better but they are no better as far as I can tell. I just hold on to waaay to much and hurt like crazy...
I think tonight I just need me time. I haven't had that yet today. When I am stressed out this hardly counts as me time, does it?
Okay so goals for this evening while I am alone:
1. call the crisis line. This can help if I am able to get through all the busy signals, grrr.
2. deep breathe
3. listen to songs that help bring out my feelings
4. pray to my higher power for strength
5. eat something substantial
6. find something to laugh about...I sent this video to Kerri:
She didn't seem to get the humour behind it but I did :-). As I said before it is loud in this house. I try not to intervene during the day or at night. Kerri and Hope are heavy sleepers and so no one keeps them awake! When I lived with my folks, my mom was a light sleeper like me and so I got into the habit of being quiet and turning the tv down etc at night or during nap times etc. Here the sound carries it being a split level house. It's a nice size though (for daytime, hehe).
I do sleep much better using the remedy my homeopath Terrance gave me to calm me. Hopefully I will still feel OK as I continue to wean off and stop it altogether...this is scary though i.e. will I still be OK; calm, and feel the detachment that this remedy brings me?
Anywhoo, this is me today and hopefully tomorrow will be a more relaxing day! Ciao :-).
Friday, November 27, 2009
Anywhoo, I asked Kerri if there could be any relation to the fact that Terrace said to stop giving the cats remedy in their water bowls. Kerri says their is probably no connection. I concluded that they are bored because they can't go outside. Further, because we are dog sitting, the dog gets the downstairs where most of the 'chase room' is...The cats can go down but they don't often because Bobby the dog goes into chase mode from time to time. Bobby is huge, they are small, so, ya know...
So I haven't been feeling stoned from my calming remedy the last few days. Oh yes, I had been. This the detox experience for some. This is a good thing because I am much clearer in the head :-). My homeopath Terrance says I can continue weaning myself off of this remedy aka horse remedy. It's not the usual dropper bottle remedies. It's a full tablespoon :-O.
Now Terrance has given me an anxiety remedy in a dropper bottle to take in its place. I don't think it's as strong though, but hopefully I will be on my feet and out of the house again anyway. It will feel awesome to be out driving along our country roads and off towards my volunteer jobs and appointments again. No one has forgotten about me. The staff at my volunteer jobs like it when I keep calling in every week with an update. They are soooo sweet.
I want to get out to the food stores again too. I need more food!!! I have food left but there is waaaay less variety. I want to make some more strawberry sorbet and chocolate. I want to dip my apples in maple syrup and make baked apple. I want to make more humus! Yum! Yum! Yum! This I cannot do with out all the ingredients!
I don't want Kerri to feel like she has to do my shopping for me. She is sweet but I want her to be able to rest after work. I get to chill all the time so it's only fair. Tomorrow she has offered to take me across town to the organic market. There, I can pick up some lemon cookies, crackers and muffins. Maybe some produce. I don't find there prices offer up any deals so I don't get stuff I figure I can buy in a grocery store. I like to buy baked goods and not make them. To tired for that. I guess I haven't progressed far enough in my cooking extravaganza's for much in the way of baked goods. Some day :-).
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Anywhoo, Terrance says I'm still on track re being a virtual homebody/ agoraphobe. Things are still shifting inside me and this is OK for now as long as my needs are being met re money and food. I told him that they are. Kerri is probably worried because we haven't known each other all that long and she doesn't want to have to be my den mother forever. I told her I will heal in time. What this means I am not sure, lol.
Terrance gave me some homework today. I am to dream of things I want to do with my future employment. I am not to worry about all the fears that may come with achieving this goal.
One fantasy comes to mind. It's not really an employment fantasy but it's one of myself doing back flips across a stage. How freeing that might feel and seem:-). Of course the applause that would come afterwards would be a reward initself :-). But in reality I am not that flexible. I cannot even to the lotus position so I guess becoming a yoga instructor is out :-(!
As of yet my interests are cooking, cats (I think dogs are out of the picture as a life dream, thanks Bobby!), web designing, counselling, writing, humour and photography. More ideas will flow I'm sure....
I am sure glad I got dressed in my day clothes brushed my hair today though! It is common for me to stay in pj's with my hair flying all over the place. I only got dressed knowing that the landlord had sent a repairman in to fix the kitchen lights. The repairman never showed up or called. A bit of a nuisance but I would have been here all day anyway.
Two neighours ended up coming to the door when I was here all alone though so I had to be the one to answer the ring.
The first neighour returned one of Speckle's collars and the tag that goes with it. Speckle had lost it because it's a quick release collar so she must have gotten it stuck in a bush or something. I was glad to get the name tag back though because they don't seem to readily sell the $1 plastic cat tags where you write in the cat's name yourself. Those are the most practical so I don't get why they are not selling them unless they want us to pay more for the others, uh-hum!!
Neighbour nuber two was returning our run-away dog!!! Yes, that's right, Bobby the rebel mutt took off today and by the sounds of it nearly got hit by a car on a 60 km stretch of road :-O. He was gone for 20 minutes...
Bobby does that - runs away. They aren't as smart as cats about knowning to come back home and all that...His owners who live nearby let him off leash on a regular basis. He's not really sure what to do w himself but always ends up back home somehow. All the neighours know him. It's like a small town out here, lol. Kerri and I try never to let him alone but sometimes he just slips away when you least expect it ;-(). Shame because there are nice off-leash dog parks around town....
Awww, never a dull moment with a dog in the house!
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
I have to say that some people are soooo boring! They tweet such sentences as I just got off work. For this I'm like, um, where's punchline???? I mean come on, Twitter is not Facebook where you have a ton of friends chiming in going, So how was work?, lol. Even if they did all chime in unless a person retweets their incoming tweets it's only the person you are sending your tweet to that sees all the replies. So, on the next person...
I thought of a good tweet today as I was in the shower:
People buy unnatural products and wonder why they are getting skin irritations. Then they buy more unnatural products to clear em up, lol.
Well, I thought that was pretty funny. Just the fact some people say they don't want to buy all natural products because they are so much pricier but they end up paying double for the extra unnatural product to clear it up. So why not just buy the one, lol...but really I know that sometimes you can get medicated products for free with insurance but it is funnay nonetheless.
It really bites that the healthiest products/ food and services are often times the most pricey. I am hoping that in time people will buy much larger amounts of healthy natural organic products so that the companies can make larger amounts and lower the prices a bit. Then more people will want to buy healthy products/ food/ services and our bodies/ minds will thank us for it :-).
I've been on a blood type diet for 8 months. This diet is very pricey! I don't even notice much change even though it's an all natural diet. I do read up on healthy living and it does make sense though. Maybe I'm on the route to a healthier me. Who knows???
Tuesday, November 24, 2009
I still am having the on-going difficulties of sleeping at night. It is a loud house for someone who is as light a sleeper as I am. Kerri is a lot better at being quiet at night, but during the week her alarm wakes me up at 6:30am (if I'm lucky enough to sleep in that late). Today I fell asleep at 11:20pm. I could still hear Kerri's daughter Hope's music blarring for her bedroom in the basement below, but I guess my tireness wore out. Then, I kept waking up in the night and I can't blame it on the cats this time. Fun times!
So, I had my meeting with Jenn but neither of us touched on the difficulties we are having with each other. It was like there was nothing wrong at all. I guess I am suppose to just forget about our issues. Sad though because we use to be able to work everything out.
I feel kinda empty now. I will have to get use to this though, I suppose. So I guess now we can just be like good friends???? Weirdness. But I am stable enough not to carry on the rage war as I would have in the past. If something stirs me up then I just take my calming remedy or just STOP! I think it's a good thing though - the new. I have work to do but this will come in time...
My new mission in life is finding kewl folks I can follow on twitter. Well, I do need things to amuse myself with, lol. I'm not a big games person so...Are you one of those kewl folk? I am so picky though (shhhhh).
I'm not interested in someone who posts a lot of links. I want to just quickly read the 2 lines we are allowed to transcribe and then run back to my TV program, lol. Well, something like that. Ya know, I must be retired or something.
I'm most interested in people and peoples thoughts on life or whatever.
I read tweets to see if they interest me of course but interest is subjective. I like people to tweet often enough to catch my interest. Deep thoughts, inspiration or humour helps.
I like seeing new tweets every other day or more often but not over 5 on a single day. Some people just go banana's, lol, but this is rare....
Monday, November 23, 2009
Bobby is the doggie Kerri, Hope and I are dog sitting for 6 weeks. We are at the half-way point of the dogsitting which is good. We are lucky that Bobby is an elderly dog. We don't have to do to much for him except the occasional walk and pee run. The rest of the time, he sleeps. Well, mostly. Yes he does try to run through the back sliding doors to chase Spock, the stray cat that seems to have adopted our property. Yes he does try to chase Speckle and Tate (but never Bob the cat!).
We are really not dog people. Dogs are waaaay to much work. Consequently though, we aren't use to some of the funny dog behaviours that go on. We found out the other week that Bobby runs to the door and barks after a doorbell. Well, that is normal of course but what we didn't think about was that Bobby will run to the door after a doorbell on TV or if I audio tape the door bell and play it at the back door, lol (I showed my mom the audio taped version and of doorbell just now. Bobby went bananas, lol).
Kerri and I have been told that we have waaaay too much time on our hands but we do like to have a bit of fun with Bobby now and again, lol. It was her funnay idea to audio tape the doorbell sound. I also have a lot of funny twitter quips that were inspired by Kerri. She is a good sport in all this stuff.
It is wonderful to find things to laugh about even if some of the giggles are simple and silly. I do find this dog behaviour amusing. I'm sure dog owners find it annoying though, lol.
It is a bit worrisome that if Bobby is barking for the doorbell on TV then he will wake me up if Kerri or Hope are watching TV and the doorbell rings after I have gone to bed. I am a really light sleeper. This hasn't happened as of yet though, phew!
Anywhoo, I had a good session with Haley my therapist, today. We had our hour long session over the phone. I still can't drive anywhere due to my anxiety etc. It's so awesome I can have have a session when I am practically a shut-in (I went to the store today with Kerri driving but could hardly breathe!)
With Haley, I was talking about a mile a minute about all the problems I am having dealing with my case-manager, Jenn. I felt totally validated when Haley told me it sounded like Jenn was acting condescending towards me. I felt so too but I couldn't come up with a word that so perfectly described the way I felt.
Yes, I did feel put down, stupid, and like a child by Jenn's behaviour. It feels so good to now know that I am not alone thinking this! Jenn is actually calling me tommorrow morning for a phone check-in. I'm expecting things will go OK meaning I won't engage in any battles. Jenn is refusing to take me shopping, I know that. I do hope to smooth things over though....time will tell...
Sunday, November 22, 2009
For those of you interested in same sex issues and gay rights, this may sadden and shock you.
Kerri and I were planning on watching one of the mooovies (I Can't Think Straight) that got stopped at the Canada/ US Border. Here is the trailer:
I Can't Think Straight is a lesbian flick. Kerri and I would like to watch more lesbian or gay mooovies. Why not? There are tons o heterosexual flicks out there but it's really hard to find same sex mooovies. There is still a lot of fear and ingorance out there which is very sad.
Do some people think we are just being rebellious by being gay or bi? For me I am being true to myself and it feels great! This is not to say that one day if Kerri and I grow apart (which I sooo hope never ever happens) I may fall in love with a man. It hasn't happened yet, but as my homeopath Terrance says, love is energy.
I was so worried when I told Terrance 7 months ago that I was in love with Kerri, that he would go into a mad scramble to find a remedy to make straight. I was still not sure if there was something wrong with me in other peoples eyes. But Terrance did not! Phew! I was and am still so excited that am in love for real for the 1st time in my life!
I use to see the many guys I dated as my friends. I would break up with men or pull away if they said they loved me or ran their fingers through my hair. I felt miserable inside and thought there was something wrong with me. I thought maybe because I was sexually abused as a young child that I would never be able to be touched without feeling fear and anger.
I know now that I was just with the wrong gender and although I am not totally trusting, I know that there was never anything really wrong with me. I was just not being true to who I was. I have always been into women. It makes me feel so happy and free to be a lesbian!
I am happy that I haven't run into homophobia or hate on a personal level. It's just so awesome that Kerri will have the legal right to marry in my province of Ontario. No plans but it's so nice to know that we can have the same rights as any other couple.
It is so awesome to be able to kiss and hold hands with Kerri out in public. I am happy to experience true love!
Saturday, November 21, 2009
It's really hard living with my girlfriend Kerri when one of us is upset. We feed off each others emotions. Then we both go to a place of emotionally hiding from our feelings and nothing much gets accomplished.
So, was it really wise to get involved with someone who is as super sensitive as myself? Yeah, I would say so. It's actually awesome that I can relate to my partner. Some days are like roller coasters and some days are a-OK. We are in relationship counselling and it is really difficult at times but it helps us to speak out in a safe place.
For both Kerri and I, our biggest relationship problem is trust and communication. This is pretty common is it not? Often times we don't tell each other how we really feel talk it out. Kerri will get the idea that there is something wrong with me but has to run to this blog to get a better understanding of things, lol...Or I find out from her Facebook status.
For myself the past couple of days have been filled with high anxiety and panic at times. What helps me is to sometimes turn off the TV and listen to tunes that help me feel some sort of emotion. I have been listening to Jordan Spark's song No Air http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvABw3j844k today and on and off since I found it about a year ago...Yeah, it's really a love song but all I hear when I'm listening to this song are the words no air over and over again....its like someone who gets what I am going though, lol. Well, ya know.
Another song I really love and have loved for years continues to be Caribbean Blue by Enya http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7kkEfPjTBY. At the risk of sounding a bit odd, this song actually sent me into a light trance about a year ago. I was just so relaxed listening to it. It was lovely. I remember laying on my bed back when I lived with my folks and just getting so blissed out by this song. And, yeah it did freak me out how detached I got but it was in a good way...
So, yes music and sound has the magic to relax or stress a person. We have to find out what we can do in times of stress and anxiety to heal even just a little bit or from moment to moment :-).
Friday, November 20, 2009
I do believe that if I don't figure out the underlying cause of my anxiety I will have to be forever chasing relaxation. Relaxation will meanwhile be running 10 feet away from me at full force! Feels like it anyway. And, yeah I have a ton-o-anxiety today.
This morning I had a pre-scheduled meeting with my case-manager, Jenn. I was completely floored that she didn't bring up any of the problems in our relationship.
I was afraid to bring up the shopping issue. I was also afraid to bring up the fact that I got upset at her last week for her not wanting to call me back right away after I missed her call by like a second literally. This resulted in no support call for me.
I had been on a surprise phone call by my outreach worker Tori who called literally 2 minutes before Jenn. It was the first time since the fire a week ago when she called me. I let her go in time but pressed talk instead of hang-up to get the other line...I am sooo not use to call display and a double line!
So, today, Jenn and I had a really ordinary conversation about nothing upsetting (aside from the fact that I am upset because I don't feel supported). I use to be able to really talk to Jenn for supportive counselling and she use to be really on my level. Now it's like a power struggle, or currently a power outage because I feel I must silence myself because I don't know how to say how I feel without being further hurt in our relationship. What's up with that?
Fortunately I just got the confidence to call my Jenn's answering machine and say how I really feel without anger. I just said I was hurt. I am hurt because I didn't understand what is going on. I felt angry and freaked out when it wasn't explained to me how I am suppose to shop alone and only use Jenn as a Taxi service. I said what I was feeling in a state of near tears and so it didn't come out in a hurtful way, I hope...
Today is Friday and Jenn will come over Tuesday. Hopefully we can talk things through and lessen some of the hurt I feel.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
I feel like I am healing.
I mean, I don't hold on to disappointments as much as I use to. I don't latch on to support people as I use to. This feels better, but then I am still feeling waaay to mellow from this calming remedy.
I do feel upset and sad though because of the way things seem to be turning out...For instance I was really hoping for more support with food shopping and now I find that for the time being I won't be getting any support from Jenn, my case-manager. Then today my outreach worker Tori e-mailed me and says regarding this issue:
I’m sorry to hear you’re still struggling with Jenn's support but continue to express your support needs with her and try to come to a compromise...
Um, a lot gets lost when you only have e-mail support. I didn't feel like explaining that Jenn is refusing to shop with me. I didn't bother replying to Tori that I am supposedly getting an Occupational Therapist (to show me how to shop alone when I'm depending on that person to drive me home - um this is what I need help with anyway). I'm just like, OK thanks!
I had been feeling so happy and secure two weeks ago after talking to the coordinator, Kate, at my old group home. Unfortunately I am now disappointed that in the end no one will talk to Jenn for me. I use to always work with my whole team whenever there was a problem. Now it's just one on one. I find it useless to talk to Jenn because she disagrees with me and offers no rational explanation for why she does the things she does..
But like I said I am handling all the stress with my supports pretty well. Kerri will and I will go shopping together for the time being so it's all good. I don't hold onto grudges of what could have been. I'm gonna be a-OK!
Anywhoo, I was checking out this link that The Wooden Sky posted on their fan page on Facebook:
It is featuring the band's three documentary videos. Each video is about 5 to 10 minutes long and features a song after a small story. For more music and info on The Wooden Sky look them up on their MySpace page...
I love this band. I am also so proud to be able to say that my 2nd cousin Andrew, is the handsome and talented drummer. Andrew is the guy in the picture at this link to the far left. He is my first cousin Jean's son.
The Wooden Sky is from Scarborough, Ontario, Canada, but they travel around all of Canada and elsewhere while on Tour. It sounds like hard life to be travelling a lot of the time, but they seem to like it. For me I could never be so spontaneous, but then I do rely on my professional supports and a similar routine day by day to help me feel most a peace...
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
I think my life is moving in the right direction now! My case-manager Jenn just e-mailed me to offer me an Occupational Therapist who can help me with my shopping issue.
I have never had any long-term success in getting help with my fears. So far I have tried professional driving lessons and doing social anxiety exercises from a book.
I had been working with my past psychiatrist, Dr. Dinton, for 2 1/2 years doing individual and group therapy. Part of the individual therapy was spend reading books and doing exercises on my own but also with the doctor's support. I had been working on a book that used exposure therapy to overcome my social anxiety. Dr. Dinton eventually had to tell me to stop doing the exercises altogether because my anxiety was waaay to high.
So, I don't know if an occupational therapist is the right person to help with anxiety strategies along with my social anxiety and agoraphobia but I can try this new therapy and see what works....I'm sure this will be very scary therapy but whatever...
I know nothing about the wait times for an occupational therapist. Wait times for somethings are over a year for some specialties. So, in the meantime Jenn is not agreeing to take me shopping (I guess unless she can separate from me and do her own thing for a bit at the grocery store).
By the time I get this Occupational therapist I will hopefully be driving and doing my own shopping anyway...I have no issue with shopping on my own if I am able to control my own transportation and not have to risk panicking and not finding my ride. Is this really a shopping issue? Not even sure.
I will take what comes first and in the meantime I won't bug Kerri about shopping. We can go together even though that might take more time as our diets are very different. But, it will all work out somehow.
Yes I am annoyed with the whole process of case-management at the moment (well, have been since the start 7 1/2 years ago, lol). I just don't get what a case-manager is suppose to do. Their mandate says:
Based on the strengths model of case management delivery, ------ case managers provide individualized, flexible, and client directed support to individuals suffering from severe and persistent mental illness. The focus is upon client strengths, interests and abilities. The service is provided in the client’s environment and is portable, following the client when he/she changes housing.
...and they said they want us to be independent one day so I guess that's why we can't shop with them, meh! I wish they had clearly stated that before we got the the superstore. It's just a huge let down. Then the fear I feel is enormous! How is that suppose to help with my confidence???
When I asked for supportive counselling I was told I need to do other stuff too like get out of the house with the case-manager. I'm doing that now but yeah it took about 7 years, lol.
Case-managers have taken me to appointments and not complained but it has come to the point where I am now letting them decide what to do because I have no clue anymore and I am not interested in a fight....
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Tori was calling me to invite me to the memorial service for the lady who died in the fire at my old group home last week. I have never met the lady but I am also not good about things like like funerals and memorial services (or anything out of my routine for that matter). So I told Tori that I probably wouldn't be going to the memorial. She said she knew I would probably not feel up to going. It was awesome she thought of me and called though.
Tori only had a couple of minutes to chat with me on the phone and acknowledged that she didn't have time yet to debrief about the fire. I found out though, that I can reach her by e-mail. I was told by my case-manager Jenn that Tori was unreachable by any method so this is great news! I still don't access to the rest of the staff at my old group home where I was able to call anytime of the day or night. But at least having my outreach worker is more then I had this past week.
I was sooo waiting for Tori to call. I wrote her a letter to get her up to date on the situation between my case-manager and I. I told her how Jenn continually refuses to take me shopping and stay with me at the store. Maybe Tori will help advocate for me because I feel like I have little use for my case-manager at the moment. When we do talk I have to think of things that won't upset her or I. Is this not ridiculous? :-).
I really want to make things easier on Kerri. I want to live with Kerri but unfortunately she feels like I am like another kid she has taken. This is so sad for me yet I feel frozen and unable to deal with the outside world much at the moment. I feel to unfocused and slowed down because of the depression to drive and everyone is saying that they are noticing my weight loss. I feel I don't eat because I don't want to leave the house to shop. Our relationship therapist Haley brought this up in counselling today.
For me eating isn't that easy for me especially when I am anxious or depressed. I do have anorexia yet I use to be able to force myself to eat during those times when I was getting out and getting food. I thought I was never going to slip back into the 'starving mode' again but here you have it...
Anyway I found something I think is highly amusing yesterday. Here is the link: http://dooce.com/2009/11/16/2010-former-congressman-charles. If any of you are following my tweets on this blog (scroll down a bit on the right) you may have seen this calendar before.
I had seen this calendar other years while following Heather's blog. This year though after seeing the Chuck's calendar I started thinking of making a Speckle Calendar. She does love to pose for pics and knows her name! Tate will likely the calendar too as he and Speckle are so cute together and Tate has some hilarious poses :-P.
I love Heathers humour, most days, lol. She is a bit off the wall sometimes but I follow her on twitter and I find her amusing....
Monday, November 16, 2009
I belong to a homeopathy forum on Facebook and love it when people post informative videos on the subject. I do get hope from it thinking that I just have to continue seeing my homeopath and that one day (hopefully in the next 6 months?) I will notice dramatic improvement.
I am intentionally not posting You Tube Videos or information about homeopathy because I don't know if it will make a lot of sense or come across as utter quackery. There are so many sceptics out there. There are also people who might want to see a Homeopath but are not able to afford such luxuries as alternative treatments because unless you have insurance plan you will be paying a hefty out of pocket fee. I am lucky that I am on a family plan and also disability insurance.
Everything I do is allowed under my disability benefits and I am very lucky to have money from a trust fund otherwise I wouldn't be able to afford organic diet, therapists for pay or alternative treatments either as I haven't worked in 7 years. It is so sad that the people who are the sickest and can't work or get full relief from our health care system which is free for most things, have little choice on the type of care they will receive.
I know disability and our health care does sometimes send people to the united states for help. But I find a lot of people who I talk to from all over the world either have huge waits for free service or huge fees for quick service and both sometimes send you home from the hospital waaaay to soon which sometimes makes health issues x1o larger then they were...it's maddening!
So, back to homeopathy and the You-Tube video I was just watching...I was intrigued by a homeopath called, Dr. Werner who mentioned how exciting it was to give this one client of hers a remedy for his knee issue. This remedy fixed the problem.
Dr. Werner then went on to explain that if you are treating someone for mental health issues you have to give them a higher frequency of remedy. Frequency being energy. Kinda weird I know. My homeopath, Terrance uses a machine kind of like a scale and the remedy can get very powerful. The calming remedy he made for me took me from anger and hysterical tears to knocked out and mellow after one dose, phew...
So I guess this validates the theory that mental health issues are much harder to treat. All my physical complaints cleared up in 2-3 months yet I have been seeing my homeopath, Terrance for 11 months now.
Anyway, this is great news for me though because I will wait and continue treatment. I just love it when I learn about homeopathy and am chatting with my homeopath. It is exciting!
Sunday, November 15, 2009
I am happiest when I am home watching television or on-line, in fact, this is about all I do these days. I like the warmth of the living room when we are burning a fire or sitting next to the electric heater Kerri has let me use. I like the snuggle time I have with Kerri and giggling still comes easy to me...
It doesn't help that I no longer have a support-line with staff who have known me for years. The staff are all busy dealing with a devastating fire which killed one of their clients...
I have haven't touched the calming homeopathic remedy for the past two days. I thought not taking it for a bit would help me wake up but I'm just as tired and pretty much as mellow as before. I still carry all the same fears and anxieties though. I will resume the remedy tonight as I was only suppose to stop it briefly. I'm not sure if it will help me with confidence building to get back out in the real world though. I do have a tendency of catastrophizing and thinking of the worst so I do live in fear but I hope to overcome this too one day.
My problem is I remember too much and tend to go over and over things that have happened to me. I think tonight being a Sunday night is much harder for me than Friday or Saturday night because I worry that someone will call me up tomorrow, Monday, with more news of the fire. Already I've heard that know one knows what happened. The lady who died of 2nd and 3rd degree burns wasn't cooking. She didn't have a stove in her room. She was a non smoker and the building is non smoking anyway.
I still miss the staff and feel for them and each and every resident. I feel like an outsider now. Every time something use to happen when I lived in the group home we went through it together and now I feel like I'm all alone and hurting like I don't belong there anymore...I never was one to reach out. People come to me...
Will this fear/ anxiety/ sadness ever end for me????
Saturday, November 14, 2009
I am trying to control my anger with this remedy, yes, but homeopathy is also able to somehow get to the underlying issues of why I have have been sick and in this case so angry all of my life.
Yesterday I was angry on the remedy which may be a part of the homeopathy that actually does bring the illness/ pain/ allergy out before it actually gets a chance to have healed your body so that you no longer need that remedy. Remedies usually take 2 to 3 months to affect a cure and for me I've only been on the remedy for a month and a half so far. So my homeopath Terrance, has instructed me to lesson the dosage. Hopefully this will be OK for me too...
I was able to get a good night sleep last night without taking the remedy. Yaaaay. This was something I worried about - my past bouts of insomnia. I did wake up a couple of times but I fell asleep again so no biggie...
My mood has been calm and cheerful for the most part even though I do still feel depressed. Kind of an oxy moron I guess but I am depressed a lot so isn't it wonderful that I can be cheerful and depressed too :-P?
Today I have been amusing myself making desserts of chocolate and having baked apple, yummmm! Kerri and I have been watching moovies on TV...
I managed to walk in on a new amusing cat pose. It's not what it looks like peeps. They are both neutered/ spayed.
Tate, on top, is bigger then Speckle so it looks like he is a bit dominant but really Speckle knows how to tell Tate off and they just seemed to be hanging out like this for a bit. Tate was actually washing Speckles head at times.
A few minutes after I came into the room Speckle gave Tate 'the word' and they parted...
Friday, November 13, 2009
Kerri had driven me to the superstore last evening so I could have handed them in to my pharmacist but I forgot. I am good at writing notes to myself and had done so. I taped the note to my fanny pack but it had fallen off.
I get so frustrated that I continuously have to depend on Kerri to do everything that requires leaving the house. I was perhaps feeling intense fear that of course I would never get the papers in by the time I need my meds delivered again in a week and a half. I can't give the papers to the delivery guy. So, I got mad and lost my temper like it was Kerri's fault or something and she didn't even see this coming....
Fortunately I was able to apologize soon after and Kerri was accepting enough to be sweet to me and we cuddled. I told her maybe I should lay off the homeopathic remedy for a couple of days because I took it this am and it had the opposite affect on me then what it was suppose too.
This is the first time in the month and a half I have been taking it that the remedy has not helped me! Usually by the 40 minute mark after I ingest this remedy, I am able to calmly say what is upsetting me...My homeopath, Terrance, warned me this may happen and advised me that if it does the opposite of what it's suppose to, I am to stop the remedy for 2 days or so and then resume...Um...I hope I can do this as I rely on this remedy as a sleeping pill but I will try :-).
I also feel that my agoraphobia is a nuisance. I don't know how to just get out and do stuff anymore...Kerri said she would take me out driving so that I might get back into the swing of things. I told her this is what I want but my anxiety and depression is really severe still. I know that the lithium I take creates confusion and spaciness inside my head which is something I think is unsafe for driving if I am having other issues...
I so still want to live with Kerri. I love her so much it makes me want to cry. I know I can heal but I don't know when I will get better. I need to work on self-care though. I do nothing. I cuddle with Kerri. I sit in front of the electric heater Kerri has provided for me. I don't do much else though although I do follow positive role models on twitter and I find this amusing, lol.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Superstores are ginormous and I have this fear of losing the person who I am with if I don't see them! I am totally able to enter a superstore on my own even though I feel nervous. If I am alone I have more control. I know I can then leave whenever I need to an not have to worry about anyone else.
I know Jenn has an issue shopping with me and maybe it's a thing case-managers do so that clients learn to shop by themselves. That's what I'm told however I'm not interested in learning how to navigate a grocery store on my own. I know how to shop, read labels and ask for help when needed. I am just currently a self-proclaimed unsafe driver who has no real bus access because I live in the country. Sounds like she is trying to do some form of exposure therapy - ick! My past psychiatrist actually gave up on me on that one, lol...
I did get all the way to the superstore before Jenn had this frightening conversation with me. I thought that any objection would be antagonistic so I simply asked that we forget about shopping for today...
In all fairness to Jenn, she agreed to shop along side for today only because I'm having a rough time. This was not good enough as who knows when I will be able to drive again. I don't get it though. Aren't I always having a rough time when I have to ask for help shopping. Um, this is what I was talking to Tori and Kate, my support staff from the group home about just last Friday. Kate the coordinator of the group home was concerned about me and told Tori, my outreach worker to call me. Tori told me to pass on her e-mail address to Jenn her and to get Jenn to write back an e-mail to touch base. Tori and Kate were so sincere in trying to advocate for me so that I could along side with Jenn...That is as oppose to shopping with Jenn in absentia....
Jenn was not able to get a hold of Tori, my outreach worker now because there is no contact for any staff directly at the group home apparently. The contact numbers are for the Anglican Diocese for donations because of the fire at the home Sunday night...
Anywhoo, Jenn and I went to check out the Bird Sanctuary instead. We also went for a walk in the forest. But now most of the trees have lost there leaves so it all looks for barren but it was a nice sunny day. I wasn't really in a talking mood but it's hard when you are driving and wandering around. I find I get distracted. I did have a good phone session with my therapist Haley this week though....I know I need to talk. I am holding in so much I feel like I am crying on the inside and I still have no motivation for stuff outside the home...
As far as the shopping issue I will be OK. I am having a hard time motivation myself to eat anyway but Kerri has offered to take me shopping. I wanna make it work out here in the boonies! I do love it. There is so much nature and trails even right outside our door. I am keeping the hope as always because I know I will get better...
Wednesday, November 11, 2009
I feel guilty about feeling this overwhelmed by something I am not directly involved in. Then I am watching Oprah today and see a woman (Charla) who is now disfigured and scarred after an attack by a 200lb pet chimpanzee. I look at Charla and hear her talking about healing and I wonder why I can't feel that inspiration. I have everything to live for. Why am I so sad and not interested in feeling my feelings?
I think we are given what we can handle. I feel I can handle this depression. I am in treatment for it through my homeopath. Homeopathy has already cured me of my seasonal allergies, chronic back pain and my knee issues.
People are concerned about me but I'm not really. I was telling Kerri the other day that I have only been taking this calming remedy for a month and a half. It's definitely helping to calm me down but I still feel so depressed. I know that homeopathy usually takes 2 - 3 months to resolve an issue. I have hope. I just need to rest now. I am like an animal in hibernation or something, lol.
Now back to Oprah. The women Oprah had on her show today is named Charla. Charla was always scared of this chimp who was trying to literally eat her alive before he was shot to death by police. Charla was so kindly agreed to take care this chimp from time to time, who was a family pet owned by her boss.
Here is a video clip of the interview: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMT-5ygCxaM. The moral Charla wants us all to remember is that wild animals are wild for a reason and are not safe to have as pets. She also wants us not to be troubled by her disfigured face. She feels like the same woman as she was before the attack. She looked like you and me.
If she can have hope then so can we all, no?
Tuesday, November 10, 2009
I feel sad that the staff, who were always there to help me out are likely not going to want to talk to me for some time. They must be so busy with mess they are now dealing with. I miss the staff.
Last week Tori and Kate, who offer phone support and advocate for my care were ready to have a chat with my case-manager, Jenn. Now I feel like I should just leave them all alone and not use my old group home as my personal distress-line. Past clients are more then welcome to call as needed and the staff are like friends to me at times. Most of them at still the same as when I lived there.
I keep thinking I just want to call them up and debrief or something. They always help me through tough times. I know that this could have happened when I was living there. I never had apartment insurance. I could have lost everything! The structural damage for this fire is estimated at $150 000 and the content damage was $50 000. This of a fire contained in one room! Of course there was water damage and smoke damage likely....
Anyone who wishes to donate can email this address:
I have even been thinking how could the residents and staff watch the resident that died suffer. She must have suffered something horrible! The resident who died had 2nd and 3rd degree burns before being brought to the hospital where she died a few hours later.
How would I have handled this? How are the the residents now? Are they as torn up as I am? They must be feeling this sooo much worse! I sit here knowing that I could have been one of the residents still living there. I never planned on leaving that group home. I loved it there. I was supported by the staff. We were free to come and go as we pleased. It was a home and a lovely one at that.
Last week my outreach worker e-mailed me to invite me to 'spa day' at the group home. It was suppose to be happening in a few days. I don't know if they would even attempt it now although now is when the residents would most need it. There were all sorts of activities for the residents like that...I always politely decline invitations due to my social anxiety and now that I am in the country and transportation is an issue. It is so nice that they even invite past residents though.....
I keep thinking I should send Kate and Tori an e-mail. But what would I say? I could ask them how they are doing. Should I say I am torn up about this? No, then they would feel like they needed to help me....I will be OK...I am just going through the stages of grief over what could have been. I do that!
What I do know is I am obsessing and that I am waaaay to sensitive! I am suppose to have a counselling session today with Hayley over the phone. She was sick yesterday so I am not sure about that. I do know that what I am feeling is normal and that like everything I will get better day by day.
Things will be OK! Time does heal although situations ever change us don't they?
Monday, November 9, 2009
There are few details given but I may have known this person. I am so sad. What a jarring way to wake up in the morning! I mean I was just using my S.A.D lamp and checking my e-mails as I always do in the morning. This has totally caught me off guard. I did want to know this information but how sad it is. How sad it must be for all the women living there to have suddenly lost a resident who wasn't expected to die!
How sad it is that as I have heard today that the residents are not allowed back into the group home because the damage is so severe...
I am still in contact with my outreach worker and the coordinator, both, who worked at the home. I don't even know how to get in contact with anyone by phone now. They were great support for me and other past residents.
I will have to send an email of my condolences. But then maybe I should just let them recover. I don't even know what to do. What does one do when there is nothing you can do to fix a situation?
The Anglican Diocese in Ottawa is taking donations of clothes and apparently cigarettes. I'm not sure what else but you can call 613-232-7124 for more details.
I keep thinking how would I have survived if I was living in the group home when this tragedy happened. I can't imagine what the women are going through now. How does one cope. I mean the staff are very supportive and will offer tons of support. But how do you get over the fear and grieve after your home has caught fire and someone had to die?
So, yeah, I'm kind of walking around in a daze today.
I do hope that all the women and staff can heal and move on with there lives. Hopefully soon.
Sunday, November 8, 2009
Chocolate is something I am allowed to eat on the O Blood Type Diet because it is actually healthy and beneficial to our bodies (unless it is triggering your migraine!).
Actually though, eating pure chocolate with added healthy sugars is not so bad. Kerri helped to give me ideas how to cook it etc and it all came out yummy and sugary in the end! I am thrilled:-). It still tastes richer, of course, but it is actually good for you.
I found this link that gives the health benefits of chocolate: http://www.momscape.com/articles/chocolate.htm. So, you never know. Yummy can be healthy too.
I am pleased that I am continuing to perfect this O Blood Type Diet that I am on. It's actually fun :-D but unfortunately (I suppose) eating chocolate does not give me energy and I am still utterly exhausted.
I am not really concerned by my continual fatigue, which is extreme most of the time. I remain hopeful that after this 'sabbatical' from the outside world I might be healed enough to make a commitment to go back to my volunteer jobs via driving. Similarly I hope to be able to go shopping for food etc at some point and to my appointments all on my own! I do want to drive and I continue to keep the hope that things will improve for me and that life will continue to get better and better!
Saturday, November 7, 2009
I have been told that my meds may be affecting my homeopathic remedies. Not a huge bad way but it is just that medications are hard on your body and the calming homeopathic remedy I got 5 weeks ago is strong.
My body is detoxing since it's trying to heal me, so there may be a conflict of interest there. But, of course, I still have to keep on taking my psych meds! I do feel depressed at times quite deeply and I know this feeling won't last forever.
I use to think that nothing could surprise me anymore on television. Today though, I am still baffled hours later after watching a documentary on The Learning Channel (TLC). The story told of a man who only ate raw cheddar cheese :-o!!!
I can't eat cheese on this O Blood Type Diet that I am on, but I did love to eat cheese in the past. I can understand how addictive eating cheese can be but to only eat cheese???? The man in the documentary went to his doctor and found he had a B12 deficiency and also wasn't getting enough folic acid. What about vitamin C? I thought? Did I miss something?
I am pretty scatterbrained while watching TV and tend to miss a lot but I was also shocked at how a man who only ate cheese could look so healthy, strong vibrant and clear-headed.
The man's ex wife tried to eat a whole meal of cheese and was literally sick.
The man who only ate cheese tried to eat a piece of chicken (good for vitamin B12) and was literally sick...He was unable to eat anything cooked since he was a very small boy.
The makers of this documentary were baffled trying to help this man get back to eating a normal food. They stated that this man was more then just a finicky eater. They also suggested that something must have happened to this man at a very young age to make him so fearful of food (ya think?).
So now does nothing surprise me? Um, I think that a lot surprises me, lol...
Friday, November 6, 2009
I took this picture as the sun was setting over the fields across the road from our house today. We are blessed with beautiful sunsets. This is one of many....
Here is a picture of the farm across from us right next to the field. Sometimes when the wind is blowing in a certain direction we can smell the aroma of hay and manure outside in our yard...a little gross but it's all good. I would rather the smell of a farm then some of those gross factory smells...ewwwww!
Thursday, November 5, 2009
In the morning Kerri and I had our relationship counselling with my individual counsellor Haley. I thought it went really well. Kerri and I were able to talk to each other and listen. I was so mellow I was not even interrupting (interrupting people is something I have quite a knack for, lol).
I was pleased that Kerri admitted in front of Haley that I don't get angry anymore. At least nothing out of the norm. Of course I get angry, don't we all? This is some magical remedy my homeopath, Terrance, has given me. I am suppose to start diluting it as it runs out and I do worry a lot that if I dilute it or stop taking it this will be like Cinderella at the stroke of midnight. You know for me I will go back to my grumpoholic roots :-0!! I hope not!
After Kerri and left our relationship counselling, I got her to drop me off at this meeting I have been missing a lot of lately. It is a meeting for people of all disabilities at a centre that helps us all.
Today two representatives from the Ontario Disability Support Program, ODSP, were talking too our meeting about what changes could be made to the program. They were trying to get us more involved. I had a few things to say. I asked how come I have to hear from my case-manager that I am eligible to get $50 to buy energy saving bulbs? In other words disability offers things but are they not telling anyone. The representatives admitted that they don't always get the word out, uh-huh...
There were other things I brought up but Kerri reminded me that I forget to tell them that they don't give very much for rent. With subsidized housing being a 6 year wait and affordable housing hard to find how does one survive? I know most people on ODSP or even working low income full time jobs have to ask friends and family for help. It's so hard to survive!
After the meeting I even managed to do some emergency shopping. I just got the basics and I was pushing myself because all I really wanted to do was to go to my mental health drop-in and mellow out...I really don't even feel like eating these days anyways....
Anywhooo, here is a pic of Ottawa's very first stay on the ground snowfall of the year! We are actually late as the States and other parts of Canada have had there first snowfall last month!
There is more snow now as I am posting this picture. It is now an hour after I took the photo but it's pitch dark out. Kerri says that the kid down the street is busy building a small snowman already!
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
It all started after I told the coordinator of my old group home, Kate (they let past residents call for support), how things have been going for me lately. I told Kate how I feel it's not worth it to ask for help food shopping because the people that have been helping me with this are often stressed out themselves, including my case-manager Jenn. Or in Jenn's case it is not a part of the case-manager's mandate to take clients food shopping.
Kate is quite concerned. We have known each other since the days I lived in the home-less shelter. Kate has always believed in me. When I was angry I never scared her. She told me she could see right through the anger. This was such an awesome thing to hear.
I Kate that I am rationing my food because I don't want to go shopping. I have also come to the conclusion that i will be home bound for awhile although I am planning on getting out tomorrow with help from Kerri. We are going to relationship counselling and then I have a meeting to go to.
I could go food shopping after my meeting and before I will meet Kerri again after her second shift. I'm thinking I will probably not though feeling that way I do; anxious, stoned-like. I will likely just go to my mental health drop-in after my meeting and just hide in front of the computers they provide their. I get too nervous just sitting around even if I know the people in the drop-in .
If it was up to me I would just stay home and be in my bedroom....what's up with all of this? This is me eternally detoxing....Better then the old me, eternally grumpy :-P. I will make do with this situation. Kate said to call my outreach worker, Tori, who works at the group home, on Friday, when I will be home likely...Maybe she will help me. Kate says she wants Tori to call my Jenn to see what's going on with my care. This feels awesome! It's great how I have people vouching for me and who really know me and care! Kate has always been good at contacting my support people and making sure I have my needs met from workers! I do check-in now and again with Tori but she seems really busy. I don't really need the support-line so much now that I have this calming remedy but I will call on Friday and explain the situation and at least get some more support :-D.
Anywhooo, here is a cute picture of Speckle. Speckle did actually get stuck in the bag as you can see her head is going through the handle. She laid down after that and had this resigned look on her face, "Please, rescue me!" And I did :-).
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Yesterday Kerri offered to drive me to my volunteer job. This was a noooo way! But then I asked her if she would drive me to exercise class which is run by the people I volunteer with and in the same building. Kerri and agreed to do this and to wait around until I was done to drive me home again. I am sooo eternally grateful of this!
So, after missing 5 weeks of Monday classes (2 of those were holidays anyway), I made an appearance and did my whole routine (except only 10 minutes of walking on the treadmill and not the full 15). My trainer Dana didn't want me pushing myself to fast considering I told her I had done no exercise in the past 5 weeks....
Another baby step I did this morning at 6:30am was, I offered to drive Kerri to pick up her school bus. I had been refusing to drive Kerri to pick up her bus being afraid of having an accident because of my depression. I feared that my reaction time was slower due to this and the calming remedy that seems to be making me foggier these days.
Well it was only 6:30am. I woke up with only a manageable amount of anxiety and had not yet needed to take my prn day dose of calming remedy. So, I figured early morning was the best time. Plus, I am a morning person and Kerri had to leave for work around that time anyway.
School bus drivers start early! Well, some of them I guess. We weren't the only one's in the yard and driving about.
Kerri is very happy now because she can park both her car and bus at home again in our three car drive-way. Kerri usually has her bus at home but sometimes has to take time off and so she takes her bus back to the yard to get another driver to do her route.
Now, my honey can save time by coming straight home from working her split shift every day with her bus. She only needs to go the the bus yard to gas up and hand in paper work.
So, I did OK driving even though the sun was not completely out of bed and even despite there being a light rain.
I was nervous at one point when I was at a red light and the garbage truck in front of me wanted to back up and put on his back-up sound! I couldn't back up because there was a school bus behind me! Kerri was already in her bus but near me still at this point. I was following her home as we live only a five minute commute from the bus yard. She said she was a bit worried that I would panic... Lot's to think about when you are driving.
Kerri assured me that buses and trucks can see cars behind them and wouldn't squash me, lol...good to know!
Today, I still feel like resting at home. I knew Kerri reaaally wanted her bus home so I challenged myself and did it....I will be OK though, in baby steps!
Monday, November 2, 2009
I am still crying though from time to time, but it's a good thing. I had been carrying a lot of anxiety and hurt around with me for a very long time....
I feel I have been going though a whole rejection theme.
On Friday my case-manager Jenn's boss, Mary, didn't show up for our support appointment. Mary instead scheduled a meeting between her and her boss during our time-slot. The week before Mary didn't show up either.
Mary promises she will come this Friday. She gets how much I need people to keep their word and how important support appointments are to me. Friday was a misunderstanding in her mind and the week before she was alone in the office so I have hope that this week she will come.
Mary doesn't even have to make appointments with me but does so because she wants too. She knows I enjoy our in-person appointments. In addition she gives phone support as needed and answers any e-mails if stuff comes up and I don't want to bother her on the phone.
So, that's what 'the crash' was all about: feeling rejection from Mary. It happened at the wrong time of the month and also during a difficult detox off of an event that troubled me in my past. Yes peeps - you can be detoxed off of anything. Even tattoo's, lol...
I was able to have a 1/2 hour phone session with Mary Friday, during which I was curled up on my carpeted floor in front of my electric heater (for comfort) and bawling. I was sooo hurt that Mary didn't come for our session that my tummy hurt...
In addition to all the rejection around the missed appointment I felt I was not wanted in my own home. Kerri and her daughter, Hope, over heard me on the phone with Daria, a long time friend last evening and this was a pivotal moment. I actually finally talked to my family, Hope and Kerri, and got to say how I felt for real. I found out that they were not rejecting me. I found out that I am wanted in my home. This is great news!
So now, at home, I think we have a much better understanding about things. No great and wonderful answers but tips for communication so we don't send mixed messages and hurt each other.
Communication is hard. I just told Kerri to tell me how she feels if she seems distant or upset. This, so I don't blame myself for something that isn't mine to blame. This so that I can help instead of hurt....awww...
Kerri and I are opposites in everything and so often we don't know how to deal with each other. But this is normal. Relationships of any kind are hard hard work! I feel much more positive about things now.
Why am I still sad? I am growing....
Sunday, November 1, 2009
I just wrote about 5 pages in my diary. I rarely use my diary. I just needed an outlook that I didn't necessarily want to share with anyone.
I think I'm coming out of the deep depression slowly though because here I am blogging again. I have to say those past couple of days I wasn't blogging, my head and heart seemed to go dead. I snapped internally. I went inside myself losing interest most things including food. Had no energy to sit up like this and write. I have a desk-top computer so I literally have to sit up! I didn't want to feel because I was in such deep pain.
Perhaps this pain stems from the latest detox that my homeopath, Terrance, gave me do take for the last 3 evenings (starting the night before I crashed). Terrance was detoxing me off a very emotional event during a mania 6 years ago. I'm not even sure if this is why I crashed because all the pain that came out was the opposite of what I felt at the time. But this has happened in detoxes before.
For so many hours I laid thinking 'Why am I doing this?' Why don't I quit the blood type diet, at least. I'm not feeling any better...I know I'm stubborn but....
There was an event that led me to the ultimate crash, but I don't really feel like going into that. It's just that so many things have been stressing me lately. Five pages worth!
I'm also really getting fed up that I am not able to get out and food shop for myself. I'm not driving like this though. Kerri got me a few things but she is getting tired of helping me all the time when I am too sick to come with her.
I guess I've been done fighting for awhile now. Ever since the calming remedy I have let my anger go inside myself and Kerri even said I was doing much better. Shockingly better, lol. I'm not saying I don't still say the odd snide remark or get angry. It's just that I don't bother fighting so hard anymore to make every thing my way. In the end I feel a lot of sadness because I do want some control over my life but it seems that I'm not at a place yet where I am able to honestly take care of me. This makes me sad and so I feel pain. I feel sooo much sorrow.
Having others take care of me is the last thing I wanted and yet it's the only thing I have ever known in my life....