If All Else Fails, There Is Television, Right?

My cat Speckle is a real ‘nut!’

Last night I was ‘making’ cat food in the basement apartment I live in at my folks place. Upstairs Bob and Speckle must have been playing but then I hear a crash! I didn’t hear anything after so I continued what I was doing. My folks were in bed already but apparently they didn’t hear a thing because the cats were in a back room. When I went upstairs, finally, I saw an overturned ceramic plate that had been pushed off the table by Speckle (Bob is old and doesn’t climb up on tables anymore as far as I know). Nothing broke miraculously. It was a plate of fruit cake which was still covered over by a plastic bag...I don’t know about Speckle sometimes. She’s a true nut! She’s a 6 ½ year old Tortie and still very kitten like…is this a Tortie thing or something?

As for me, I can say I’ve been depressed more then I’ve been happy in the last nine months since moving out of Kerri’s place. Kerri and I are still best friends. We do talk on the phone a lot but she is in BC and I am here in Ottawa. Its not the same as seeing her all the time and we do have a really close connection because we were girlfriends for 9 months a few years back before becoming best friends...

I have tened to watch a lot of TV in the last 2 1/2 years since I’ve succumbed to agoraphobia. TV seems my answer to everything. It is a pretty good security blanket which I can control and almost create my world and moods.

 On the worst of days when my anxiety gets to the max I wonder why I have to live like ‘this.’ As a spiritual person I wonder what is after this life. That is when you find out 'why' and everything is supposed to make sense. I try my best to be kind because I want kindness shown to me in return and maybe that’s what the ‘boss’ on the other side wants of me…the only thing I forget, quite often is to let stuff go once in awhile. Isn’t that why I’m so tense? I’m holding onto everything that ever happened to me? When people say ‘let it go,’ I don’t get it. It’s like telling an anorexic (and I still have that tendency) to eat. It’s Greek! I don't speak that language. I don't get it!

Even before I could write I remember verbally dictating to my father my dreams. Dad would write them down for me. I still continue to do this. And I still have all my dream books too, lol. Now I discuss my dreams with my therapist Cindy and use the dream dictionary on-line

http://dreemmoods.com/ as a reference. I pay attention to the feelings that come up and when subjects repeat.

I have recently started Bowen Therapy (The Bowen Technique). This is a body work healing therapy. Most of the literature/on-line videos of Bowen are for physical ailments for people or animals but Bowen Practitioners have clients like me for mental healing as well. Its all about pressure points on the body. I have had only 2 sessions. I will have ‘at least’ 8 and can have as needed sessions after that. I want to try to work heal from my anxiety and depression if that’s at all possible…Actually, it must be, right? I just have to keep at it and if all else fails, there is Television….

We All Have Vulnerabilities And It's OK :-)

For the past few days now I’ve been thinking of getting my a$$ of this house and going on the bus.  I have bought a bus pass (they are cheap in Ottawa if you are on Disability) and have been thinking of different scenarios:

·         I could pick up stuff I want at stores out of my comfort zone.

·         When I am suppose to meet someone I could plan to go out and take the bus to

              meet them somewhere. 

Then I think to myself, I do have my training pass given to me by my mental health worker Jenn NOW (a free pass for people who need encouragement to get back on the bus). Jenn gave this to me because I have agoraphobia/panic but It hasn’t helped motivated me. But I do want to get out so why don’t I go out today?  

I can’t deal with leaving the house, yet. So I’m wondering if I’m really going to get out. I was thinking 3 days a week on the bus?

And, I also want to go to my mental health drop-in. I read January’s schedule and there is a Trauma group on Tuesday so I am planning on calling them on Monday to see if it’s a drop-in. Actually this quite excites me although my mind is flipping back and forth on it…

I know I will likely be panicky on my few or dozen or million trips but the idea is to keep at it right? And, for me to try not to get bored or to frustrated. It should be fun, right?

I’m kind of afraid of ‘growing up’. It doesn’t feel very safe to be an adult. There are too many responsibilities and, there is more of a chance that I might get hurt. If I do I am so fragile I will hide in my mental illness cave, again because I’ve tried to work, volunteer and go to post-secondary school in the past!

It’s hard to be so sensitive. I was just chatting with a twitter friend who was given some misinformation by her mother in-law. The mother in-law seemed to think she was right but a few of us fellow tweeps chimed to to tell her her that we didn’t think mother in law was right at all.

I felt my friend doubted herself while all the while she knew the answers.  This it helped me feel that we all have vulnerabilities. I guess that’s a part of life and its ok. I mean I knew this but I am never sure…It is so hard to be strong when we see people as authority and who must be right. My therapist tells me the same i.e.  I need to try to be stronger in myself and believe in myself.

Another reason I am fearful to go outside of my comfort zone is that I have had to let past friends go in my life. One of my ex friends was so angry she said in a rage ‘I better not see you on the street.’ I took that to mean she is going to punch me out or something. She has anger issues and that’s exactly why I decided to let her go!

And there is another ex friend  that sent me a Christmas e-mail this year. I don’t know what to say to that.

It is hard. I really want to find people in my life who share some of the values I have come to develop and those who I feel I can talk too.

My problem is that I feel so guilty if I upset anyone in anyway. This came up in my homework with my therapist Cindy today. While working on this homework (which was to identify my thoughts associated with the feelings of fear and guilt), I fully expected my feelings of fear to outweig the guilt. Quite the opposite! It seems I carry this tremendous guilt.. Cindy informed me that I’m taking on others guilt as well and this is true. This pattern goes back very far for me…

Maybe this is good i.e. writing about it all…maybe I should blog more often, lol…Have a great rest of day readers. I think the cats want their treats....!  

I'm Pretty Good At Distracting Myself From Myself....

As many of you know I am on twitter and I retweet true crime and many sad sad things. I find that one of the things I really feel sad and angry about is sexual abuse and I don’t retweet many of the high profile cases because I can’t deal with my own past as a sexual abuse survivor. I have been tormented by my abuse for most of my life. Now I do know that I am feeling much more solid on that front since I came out as a lesbian and found Kerri who is now my bestest friend. We met on Plenty of Fish dating site 2 ½ years ago. I can now at least watch most of the talk shows that talk about sexual abuse.

Kerri and I are very different in our beliefs. I tell her that the reason that I feel happy even though I am sad a lot is because I feel spiritually that there is something more then this shallow world we live in…It’s a great escape to think of other dimensions, hehe. I have found this free on-line radio station I like called:  http://a2zen.fm/ you don’t need to be a member to listen and they talk about all sorts of things like spiritual guides, chakras and healing, astrology, ways of changing your thinking etc…There are tons of archived shows which is mostly what I listen too…I’m way to scatterbrained to find a show I like and make time for it at the right time…I sort of have to be feeling in the mood for this sort of stuff…it’s deep!

This week Cindy has told me to write down what the thoughts are connected to my feelings of guilt and fear. I feel those two emotions 24/7 but it feels scary to sit down and pick out the root of those even though I’m pretty open at talking, expressing and showing my feelings (Cindy says I’m pretty good at distracting myself from myself and this is true as well :-P). I try to come off as strong when I am not but I hate to draw attention to myself.

For the past couple of days I have had upper back pain on my left side. Today I have even had osteoarthritis pain in my left knee and in my right. I think all these although physical are psychosomatic. Oh, and yesterday I felt like I was coming down with the flu but it never happened. It think my homeopathic remedies were the culprit but better then the real thing. In fact it seems most those I am following in Ottawa on twitter seemed to be sick yesterday. I hope they are ok now…Things physical for me usually are psychosomatic in some way…

I have had this problem on and off for much of my adult life where I pull out my hair. The shrinks call it Trichotillomania which can be a form of OCD if it gets in the way of your life but it basically when you have anxiety and that is my first name!

Last week I went on a 4 day hair pulling binge and now I have taken up Kerri’s idea of tying my hair back. It really works for me too! I still go through the motions of pulling when a hair peeks through my hair band but in the last week I have only pulled out 2 hairs and this is a record!…

 
I am so sad this Christmas that I am not sharing it with Kerri. We lived together the last 2 Christmases. I really miss her a lot but I am so grateful that we can still talk on the phone tons. She really makes me smile…

Adding Structure Is Key - Uh Oh, Work Ahead In Therapy, Shhhhh!

I had my second appointment with my therapist Cindy this morning.  I always get to near panic mode before a new therapist or case-manager type person in the beginning.  I know I will be telling my life story over again in the space of an hour and it does bring out some of the pain.  I'm also worried about someone else caring about me oddly enough.  Maybe I am just so use to protecting others, hum.

So, I was running around making relaxation tea, valerian and putting lavender oil under my nostrils.  I was still panicky though.  My relaxation herbs are very mild so what can you do?  It did help to chat with Cindy about what I was feeling though and so that maybe someday I can better control my anxiety like I was able to with my therapist Anne. 

I was telling Cindy that I really want to get to the underlying issue of what is causing my fear/ panic/anxiety.  I told her that a couple of years back I did yoga nearly everyday (except for like 2) for eleven months and was still getting anxiety and depression (although less).  I don't want to get into another boot camp regiment while still have mental health issues that are severe enough to hurt me,   NOOOO I don't!

Cindy gave me homework.  I am to do 5 minutes of exercise (running in the spot or dancing to fast tunes - likely all alone in my bedroom as this is embarrassing) and 10 minutes of meditation.   She also told me to write a 3 day food plan because I need to eat on a regular basis and I have trouble figuring out what to eat even though I am hungry. 

I'm not sure about the food plan bit.  I like to eat what I want when I want but Cindy says that I need to do mechanical eating.   Mechanical eating is eating food even though you don't feel like eating.  Yuck!  That's like forcing me to go to my volunteer job or shopping even though I'm wrecked with anxiety or depression!  NOOOOOO, meh! 

I told Cindy I would start with the daily meditation and exercise.  It's a start :-D.

I think I will be out snow shovelling again at some point as it has been snowing yesterday and today again (this counts as exercise :-D).  The cats are not amused about the snow.  Well, Spock our semi-adopted cat likes it but he has been outside for who knows how long.  He just showed up one day in the summer and has never left so we take him and quarantine him to the cat room until we get him dewormed and all fixed. 

Kerri is taking Spock to the vet on the 17th.  Our other cats don't seem to mind him so much now that he comes in the house on occasion.  I hope Bobby the dog will behave himself in February if we decide to keep Spock.  Bobby the dog use to go bananas whenever he saw Spock at the window....

You Know You Live In The Country When Your Girlfriend Comes In With Deer Antlers, lol...

You know you live in the country when your girlfriend walks out the front door and comes back in with deer antlers!

Yep,  the antlers were shed by some deer on our property.  Speckle, of course, had to give them a good sniff over.  Our other cats didn't seem bothered but you see Speckle had never seen these before because she is a city cat!  I mean, we got her at when she was 1 1/2 half, but ya know...

So, I have been feeling happy for the past couple of days.  My anxiety is still over the roof so I'm still suffering in that sense but I'm reaching out on-line and meeting others with Agoraphobia and some have worked with an Occupational Therapist to try to heal but as my case-manager Jenn says you can slip back into Agoraphobia and to being housebound.  I'm hoping my homeopathic remedies and therapy can help get to the underlying issue of what is causing my fear so that I can have more fun in life and not just fun in my house being silly...

I did manage to go out shopping today.  Kerri took me to get my own mattress and box spring as the Tate must have chewed or punctured the air mattress I have been using (and the one before it).  I will have it on the 20th of December (my brother's birthday).  Until then I will be OK.  There is still air in the mattress I am using but I may have to keep blowing it up every night, damn cat!

Kerri and I also went for food shopping and I stocked up on whatever I could.  The roads were baaaad because we were in the midst of a 5 cm snowfall but Kerri didn't seem to mind the occasional slip/ slide.  She told me it was fun.  I know if that happened to me my anxiety would be awful.  Kerri drives for a living though and has been driving daily for years. 

I learned something new today.  Red chili peppers are waaaay hotter then green ones.  I put one on my tongue all cut up an hour ago and my lips are still burning. I just put it in my mouth.  No biting.  It was wild.  I'm not sure how I'm supposed to eat them and I love hot food!

But on a serious note, I was scared out in the car even just as a passenger.  I know this is probably because I was not occupying myself.  I noticed I was breathing very shallow.  My breath seemed to go up and down my neck and not at all into my chest or tummy.  This is not good but it's the typical way I breathe outside these days or sometimes even in the house.  I just have to do what I can do to get out and shop or if need be get Kerri to shop for me.  Kerri and I were suppose to go out tonight to a Christmas party to an organization I belong to but I cancelled because of anxiety.  I guess that doesn't surprise anyone...

So I do the things I need to do and not all of the things I want.  Will my agoraphobia end soon? I just take it day by day.  What else can I do?  I am happy though these last couple of days.  Oh, and I saw a Rudolph Car.  It was a car with antlers coming up from the driver/ passenger doors and then on the front of the car was a red nose.   Nothing surprises me, lol!

Cats/ Games And My New OT Cannot Get Here Fast Enough, LOL...

So again I was supposed to go out and meet Kerri's friends for another of their children's birthday parties.  Again, I had a panic attack and have been holding my breath all day, feels like. 

Kerri has been very understanding about this.  I showed her my trembling hands and she knows I was taking my valerian, lavender oil and relaxation tea.  I also ate a banana for the tryptophan but I have heard that there is so little tryptophan in banana's (and milk - I can't eat pasteurized milk though because of my blood type diet) that you can't really relax on it.  Dr. Oz agrees with what I've heard about the tryptophan. 

I hope Kerri's friends get that I want to know them more and not hide.  I stay home alone feeling sad and lonely at times.  I also feel safer so there is the draw.  I am less likely to have a panic attack, or so I feel.

One piece of good news is that the Occupational Therapist that will come to my house to help with my agoraphobia will be able to see me (although she doesn't know I live in the boonies)!!!  Her name is Charrie and she will possibly be seeing me once before Christmas too. Yay! 

Charrie will only be able to see me every other week that I know of.  My case-manager Jenn says it would have been most ideal if I would see her every week.  Two weeks is a long stretch before visits and there is more chance of slipping back into hibernation/fear mode.  Still, I am hoping that I do get better and out driving and getting my independence back soon!

Jenn guesstimates it may take up to 6 months for me to get my confidence back and not slip back again.  Charrie will take me out and teach me ways to keeping down my anxiety so that I learn how not to panic.  Now, I do have skills in this but I really need a coach to get me back into the habit of learning to relax myself.

So, for tonight, I may as well stay home and try to figure out if there is a way to win this game: 

http://www.members.shaw.ca/gf3/circle-the-cat.html

Kerri passed this game along to me.  She couldn't stop the cat from jumping off the page.   I know of 2 people who have solved the game.  One person figured it out after 6 tries and the other 5.  So far I have tried 5 times.  They don't offer a leash so I guess a cat will do what it wants to do for me, lol.

And, here is another picture of my own funny cat Speckle and her box/ house.   Notice how she is in the house when she plays.  Speckle will run through the back down of this box when I take out the string.  Then she will bat the string from inside. 

I think it's a sort of stalking thing where if she hides, the string/ prey will be less likely to run away and she gets more chance of attacking it.  I don't know, lol...Speckle runs to hide whenever I take out string.  In other cats I haven't noticed this behaviour but they are all unique :-D.

King Bob The Cat And Can I Feel Any More Tired?

I am exhausted after a very poor sleep last night. I had to take my prn zyprexa at 1am.  I was wide awake and had that racing feeling inside.  3 hours later I woke up because I heard a noise was still as wired as the night before.

Today, I am walking around the house 'drunk/ dizzy -like' unable to make the granola I had planned too for today.  I cannot for the life of me sleep in the day-time as a rule.  Cat naps only occasionally...

Luckily I have not felt a panic attack that it has seemed to bring on the last 4 times I have ingested it.  There is an interaction between my lithium and zyprexa so it's really not in my head.  Thankfully I have been spared this time. 

My anxiety was brought on by my fears about my new therapist and her wanting me to eat (this requires shopping - and the huge anxiety that that brings me);  the dog eating the cats food after the gate wasn't shut (the dog went home this am after 6 weeks in our care!), and then Kerri refused to take me food shopping.  She finally agreed after I was crying and shaking knowing that we couldn't go today because of the huge storm we are having...

We had a date to go the grocery store yesterday since last week.  Kerri had told me she would take me because we were going to get food for a pot-luck we were suppose to be attending today so figured I would pick up some stuff for me (but due to the snowstorm the city has closed down in many areas and we are staying home and safely off the roads).  

I told Kerri it's OK, I understand about not going to the pot-luck, but I haven't been food shopping for 10 days.  2 days ago she got food for her and Kendra I knew I had some food to last me for a couple more days so it didn't bother me to see lots food coming into the house.  Mostly what I needed badly is fruit anyway.    Well, she did get me bananas but that's not enough.  I like to have at least 3 different fruits a day and that won't last me 10 days or 2 weeks or whenever I can get her to take me.

My case-manager Jenn gave me the website for an on-line grocery-store and I was all excited.  Then when I looked at their selection they only sell one organic item - strawberries.  I would love those strawberries because Kerri and her daughter went out food shopping together last night and ended up getting me some stuff but said they were all out of produce for organic fruits.  On-line it would cost $4.99 for the strawberries.  I need strawberries!  This is the same price for the 1 litre bin but then factor in the $12  charge for the delivery and packing....

Anywhoo, here is a funny picture Kerri directed and I took of Bob just before the friction started yesterday. Kerri's cats are so chill. Speckle would never put up with this, hehe.

I Dig My New Therapist Although Tomorrow I Will Be Be Doing A Different Kind Of Digging :-P

Good news!!!!  I met with my new therapist Cindy and we totally click.  Cindy is calling me on my feelings and behaviours and relating them to my anorexia already.  Oops! 

I'm not so bad these days but I don't eat as often as I should.  Kerri keeps telling me to eat because we are cuddling and my tummy is growling.  I don't always know what to eat though.  I need to work on my depression/ anxiety and my eating issues for sure but Cindy knows all about my issues and even losing a dad to cancer around puberty.  I lose my dad to melanoma skin Cancer when I was 11. 

Cindy has already given me homework too - eleven pages of questions I am suppose to answer about me!  That's eleven 8x11 inch pages!  My case-manager, Jenn, came over to see me after my session with Cindy and has given me homework too.  She wants me to photocopy Cindy's homework questions (I better get on that before I do the homework as Jenn wants to ask her clients these questions and not show them my answers, lol).  I offered as we have a photocopier in the house.  I would have to photocopy each of the pages one at a time but its all good...

Jenn and I had a good chat.   She actually scared me at one point though while explaining about needing two different windshield wiper fluids. You need one for summer and another one for winter. The winter will not freeze but the summer one does. I had no idea one needed to worry about such a thing. So, not knowing which one I had in my car and not being able to access it through the trunk, I sprayed the fluid (sending the wipers into motion) while Jenn collected the specimen. Jenn kept yelling at me to stop the wipers and just spray the fluid but apparently in my Toyota Corolla one goes with the other, lol.  I have no clue about cars!!

Anywhoo I put the specimen in the freezer for an hour and it's not frozen so me thinks I've got the winter wiper fluid.  All is good :-D.

My folks gave me their second car as a housewarming pressie when I moved out here in the boonies with little bus access.  Moving from a two car family to a one car family must have been a huge jolt!  I really do need the car as I don't have bus access out here but I have barely driven my car in the last 2 months due to severe anxiety/ depression. 

Because it's below 0 C out and there is snow (with a huge 20 cm dumping expected overnight), I have to be careful to maintain my car.  Yes I have snow tires and the whole bit.  We had them put on in October during the tune-up.  You never know when the snow will hit though... 

Kerri knows a lot about cars.  She has had her own car in the boonies for years.  So Kerri tells me that I need to get the snow off my car everyday so that the doors don't freeze shut.  No biggie. I also run it until the motor sounds good.  I can plug it in for warm it up on very cold days too.  Lastly I test all the doors and the trunk to make sure everything will open for me. 

Tonight the city of Ottawa is waiting for the huge snowfall.  By tomorrow at some point there will be 10-15 cm of snow!  This is not new for us but it does slow up the driving quite a bit.  I will be up and out shovelling at 7am as  Kerri will need to get her bus out of the drive-way for work at 7:20am.  She is a school bus driver and they don't often cancel school around here...wish us luck, hehe...

Occupational Therapists Rock - I Hope Mine Does Anyway, lol...

I'm still feeling blah but also extremely excited and hopeful. 

My case-manager Jenn called today for an unscheduled phone check-in to see how I was doing.  She wanted to make sure I was OK depression-wise given that I had just lost my therapist.  I was sooo happy she called!  I was able to tell her I had gotten a new therapist called Cindy.  This was Jenn's recommendation in an e-mail she had sent me yesterday. 

Cindy is not a new person in my life.  I met her at a drop-in support group for eating disorders a few years back.  I was actually the only one who showed up that evening so I sat down and had a one on one with Cindy then.  Cindy is soft spoken.  I got from our meeting that she is very kind and non-judgemental.  Her speciality is eating disorders (of which she is a survivor) and anxiety.

Cindy is so what I need now.  The only reason I opted not to get her before is because she has been  working in the west-end of Ottawa.  I always lived across town and had to rely on buses.  Now that I am in the west-end also, this is sooo perfect!  Cindy was also the person that the co-owner of the eating disorder support program recommended to me when I asked 4 1/2 years ago...

Something else totally awesome about today is that Jenn explained to me exactly what the occupational therapist she is referring me to will do for me.  The OT will come to my house and we will chat for a couple of sessions about my anxiety and whatever strategies she has in store for me.  Then she will take me out of the house but address my anxiety as it comes up through exercises (on thoughts and breathing I suppose).  She will not leave my side until I am able to calm myself and this will be at my own pace.  Maybe 6 months or longer.  Whatever I need (bites nails!  I hope I can do this and succeed!).

I wish I was referred years ago - even as a child!  I never had a name for the fear.  I just got angry to keep people away.  Waste of a life!!!!  Then I just felt guilt, low self-esteem and misunderstood. 

I won't get an OT until in the New Year sometime.  I am not even sure how long the wait-list is.  I also know that I will have to keep going out and that even if I am sick and can't go outside that my agoraphobia might come back.  I am hoping not.... 

When Swearing May Offend...Good To Know For Next Time!

Yesterday my therapist Haley said that I was getting abusive and refused to work with me. 

I had used a swear word when I told her to stop yelling at me in relationship counselling.  My voice wasn't that loud so I guess swearing is not one of her favourite things.  No one on my support team has really yelled at me like Haley did so I was scared and embarrassed.  I was hoping she would keep me on for individual because we were talking about the issues I had in relationship counselling and also the issues I had with her yelling at me when I would interrupt Kerri. 

As for swearing, I rarely swear but if someone is raising their voice in anger my anxiety goes through the roof and I don't actually plan what I am going to say sometimes.  But, oops! 

So now I don't have a therapist.  Fortunately my case-manager Jenn and I had a good chat yesterday so I do have some support and will have more in future.

Haley didn't want me to bring up a topic we had already talked about in the past but yet Kerri was still upset about it so I was explaining my side.  I did interrupt Kerri some because I remember things differently and often times I feel I am being put down and made to look like the bad guy when I was only intending to help out.  I would be sooo bad in a courtroom or on Dr. Phil.  I notice those people hold their tongues and all sorts of awful things are said about them!  I would not be able to listen to all that awful stuff said about me if it was not true!

I have been craving my old therapist Ann in the last week anyway because she use to coach me on self care a lot.  Now that I don't really have anyone telling me what to do I have fallen out of the self-care groove.  Haley did some work around self-care but it hasn't been so often anymore and especially since I have been doing the individual sessions over the phone.  We would just chat and there wasn't much, if any, digging around why I have been so depressed for over 2 months now or where is all this anxiety coming from?

I did tell Haley that I didn't like the way she raised her voice with me in relationship counselling before.  Maybe I should have made it clear that this actually frightened me.   Even TV and loud music irritates/ frightens me sometimes.  But it was sooo much easier holding my tongue and taking a step back when I was on the calming remedy.  I doped me up!

I was shocked that a swear word was the cause of such a stir.  Is that a poor reflection of me?  Perhaps, but I have sworn at other times with supports because I have not been able to get out anger/ anxiety through proper channels.  Or, I feel that I am not getting my needs met.  I ended up crying yesterday for most of the day both before and after the session.  This, even before I knew this was my last time seeing Haley.

Haley only e-mailed me yesterday at 9:30pm to say farewell.  But this time Kerri who gets up early to work, was gone to sleep. 

Kerri says we will be OK to work out our issues and she has been also encouraging me to go back to weekly therapy sessions instead of the bi-weekly sessions I have been taking for the past couple of months.

Fortunately with Kerri and our relationship, our communication has been much better lately.  Even after a fight we will talk things out.  This is what relationships are all about.  We our finding that we are bringing our parents into our relationships too i.e. mannerisms and the ways we see each other.  I am still bringing my old neighbourhood and house into it too, so, you know, lol...

Anxiety Aside I Had A Pretty Awesome Day :-).

Today has been a mixed bag.  For most of the day I was hyper agitated.  I couldn't seem to calm down.  I felt jumpy and had some trouble breathing due to anxiety.  When I don't breathe well, of course, my anxiety will get worse.

I was anxious this morning because I thought Kerri was rejecting me by seeming to be emotionally distant at times.  Fortunately she called me on the fact that I was also pulling away emotionally to protect myself from the further pain of perceived rejection (I can't say that my pulling away helped my anxiety any).  Fortunately we talked about what was going on for both of us.  Kerri told me it wasn't about me and she just withdraws while under stress.  I knew that was probably true rationally but my emotional mind still harboured great insecurities over the perceived sense of unlove I felt. 

It seems that if I don't my get constant love vibes I feel like I'm in waaaay to much pain.  Honestly!  Life was simpler when I was single, lol.  Our talk brought me to tears though which took a huge load off my shoulders.  I think it was great that we were able to talk things out.  I know it's hard for me when Kerri pulls away but this is what helps her deal so I will have to think up strategies to help me.  Fitting that we have our relationship counselling tomorrow :-).

Kerri took me to do some food shopping. I still needed a few things.  She did too.  This afternoon shopping trip did not help my anxiety but I am soooo happy that I got the food I couldn't get the other day.  I now have my sucanut (organic sugar) so I can make my baked apple, chocolate, and strawberry sorbet. 

Kerri says she understands about my agoraphobia and that I am not able to do stuff outside without huge anxiety a lot of the time.  I do feel really bad that I moved in with her and then sort of went into hibernation mode all of a sudden.  It's not like I didn't do this at my folks place when I lived with them in the spring and before but it has been pretty bad lately, my illness.  I want to much to be of help and not a lump on a log!

This evening I feel much relieved that I won't need anything at the supermarket for awhile.  Further Kerri rushed out to Costco with myself and Hope in tow to get an actual food processor tonight.  I had been using a blender to make humus and sorbet but the motor was sounding too taxed.  I already broke the first blender of Kerri's and my folks gave us the new one (they found it in the bowels of their basement and it worked!) but I didn't realize that blenders and not really meant for solid food unless it's watered down quite a bit.  Anywhoo we are all set kitchen-wise for a bit me hopes (and we stocked up on yummy smelling scented candles too :-).

It's The Simple Amusements That Are The Most Fun!

So, I played a good joke on Bobby the dog today. 

Bobby is the doggie Kerri, Hope and I are dog sitting for 6 weeks.  We are at the half-way point of the dogsitting which is good.  We are lucky that Bobby is an elderly dog.  We don't have to do to much for him except the occasional walk and pee run.  The rest of the time, he sleeps.  Well, mostly.  Yes he does try to run through the back sliding doors to chase Spock, the stray cat that seems to have adopted our property.  Yes he does try to chase Speckle and Tate (but never Bob the cat!).

We are really not dog people.  Dogs are waaaay to much work.  Consequently though, we aren't use to some of the funny dog behaviours that go on.  We found out the other week that Bobby runs to the door and barks after a doorbell.  Well, that is normal of course but what we didn't think about was that Bobby will run to the door after a doorbell on TV or if I audio tape the door bell and play it at the back door, lol (I showed my mom the audio taped version and of doorbell just now.  Bobby went bananas, lol). 

Kerri and I have been told that we have waaaay too much time on our hands but we do like to have a bit of fun with Bobby now and again, lol.  It was her funnay idea to audio tape the doorbell sound.  I also have a lot of funny twitter quips that were inspired by Kerri.  She is a good sport in all this stuff.

It is wonderful to find things to laugh about even if some of the giggles are simple and silly.  I do find this dog behaviour amusing.  I'm sure dog owners find it annoying though, lol.

It is a bit worrisome that if Bobby is barking for the doorbell on TV then he will wake me up if Kerri or Hope are watching TV and the doorbell rings after I have gone to bed.  I am a really light sleeper.  This hasn't happened as of yet though, phew!

Anywhoo, I had a good session with Haley my therapist, today.  We had our hour long session over the phone.  I still can't drive anywhere due to my anxiety etc.  It's so awesome I can have have a session when I am practically a shut-in (I went to the store today with Kerri driving but could hardly breathe!)

With Haley, I was talking about a mile a minute about all the problems I am having dealing with my case-manager, Jenn.  I felt totally validated when Haley told me it sounded like Jenn was acting condescending towards me.  I felt so too but I couldn't come up with a word that so perfectly described the way I felt.

Yes, I did feel put down, stupid, and like a child by Jenn's behaviour.  It feels so good to now know that I am not alone thinking this!  Jenn is actually calling me tommorrow morning for a phone check-in.  I'm expecting things will go OK meaning I won't engage in any battles.  Jenn is refusing to take me shopping, I know that.  I do hope to smooth things over though....time will tell...

Will I Ever Learn To Communicate With Confidence Face To Face?

It would be wicked cool to find out what the underlying cause of all my anxiety is. With all the therapy I have had people have come to all sorts of conclusions about my colourful life. The life theme my last therapist Ann focused on was my 13 childhood surgeries. Fun times!

I do believe that if I don't figure out the underlying cause of my anxiety I will have to be forever chasing relaxation. Relaxation will meanwhile be running 10 feet away from me at full force! Feels like it anyway. And, yeah I have a ton-o-anxiety today.

This morning I had a pre-scheduled meeting with my case-manager, Jenn. I was completely floored that she didn't bring up any of the problems in our relationship.

I was afraid to bring up the shopping issue. I was also afraid to bring up the fact that I got upset at her last week for her not wanting to call me back right away after I missed her call by like a second literally. This resulted in no support call for me.

I had been on a surprise phone call by my outreach worker Tori who called literally 2 minutes before Jenn. It was the first time since the fire a week ago when she called me. I let her go in time but pressed talk instead of hang-up to get the other line...I am sooo not use to call display and a double line!

So, today, Jenn and I had a really ordinary conversation about nothing upsetting (aside from the fact that I am upset because I don't feel supported). I use to be able to really talk to Jenn for supportive counselling and she use to be really on my level. Now it's like a power struggle, or currently a power outage because I feel I must silence myself because I don't know how to say how I feel without being further hurt in our relationship. What's up with that?

Fortunately I just got the confidence to call my Jenn's answering machine and say how I really feel without anger. I just said I was hurt. I am hurt because I didn't understand what is going on. I felt angry and freaked out when it wasn't explained to me how I am suppose to shop alone and only use Jenn as a Taxi service. I said what I was feeling in a state of near tears and so it didn't come out in a hurtful way, I hope...

Today is Friday and Jenn will come over Tuesday. Hopefully we can talk things through and lessen some of the hurt I feel.

The Role Of A Mental Health Case-Manager, Hmm...

Okie dokie!

I think my life is moving in the right direction now! My case-manager Jenn just e-mailed me to offer me an Occupational Therapist who can help me with my shopping issue.

I have never had any long-term success in getting help with my fears. So far I have tried professional driving lessons and doing social anxiety exercises from a book.

I had been working with my past psychiatrist, Dr. Dinton, for 2 1/2 years doing individual and group therapy. Part of the individual therapy was spend reading books and doing exercises on my own but also with the doctor's support. I had been working on a book that used exposure therapy to overcome my social anxiety. Dr. Dinton eventually had to tell me to stop doing the exercises altogether because my anxiety was waaay to high.

So, I don't know if an occupational therapist is the right person to help with anxiety strategies along with my social anxiety and agoraphobia but I can try this new therapy and see what works....I'm sure this will be very scary therapy but whatever...

I know nothing about the wait times for an occupational therapist. Wait times for somethings are over a year for some specialties. So, in the meantime Jenn is not agreeing to take me shopping (I guess unless she can separate from me and do her own thing for a bit at the grocery store).

By the time I get this Occupational therapist I will hopefully be driving and doing my own shopping anyway...I have no issue with shopping on my own if I am able to control my own transportation and not have to risk panicking and not finding my ride. Is this really a shopping issue? Not even sure.

I will take what comes first and in the meantime I won't bug Kerri about shopping. We can go together even though that might take more time as our diets are very different. But, it will all work out somehow.

Yes I am annoyed with the whole process of case-management at the moment (well, have been since the start 7 1/2 years ago, lol). I just don't get what a case-manager is suppose to do. Their mandate says:

Based on the strengths model of case management delivery, ------ case managers provide individualized, flexible, and client directed support to individuals suffering from severe and persistent mental illness. The focus is upon client strengths, interests and abilities. The service is provided in the client’s environment and is portable, following the client when he/she changes housing.

...and they said they want us to be independent one day so I guess that's why we can't shop with them, meh! I wish they had clearly stated that before we got the the superstore. It's just a huge let down. Then the fear I feel is enormous! How is that suppose to help with my confidence???

When I asked for supportive counselling I was told I need to do other stuff too like get out of the house with the case-manager. I'm doing that now but yeah it took about 7 years, lol.

Case-managers have taken me to appointments and not complained but it has come to the point where I am now letting them decide what to do because I have no clue anymore and I am not interested in a fight....

I Hope This Means I Am Slowly Getting My Supports Baaack? :-)

One great thing about today was that Tori, my outreach worker called me! This was a great relief!

Tori was calling me to invite me to the memorial service for the lady who died in the fire at my old group home last week. I have never met the lady but I am also not good about things like like funerals and memorial services (or anything out of my routine for that matter). So I told Tori that I probably wouldn't be going to the memorial. She said she knew I would probably not feel up to going. It was awesome she thought of me and called though.

Tori only had a couple of minutes to chat with me on the phone and acknowledged that she didn't have time yet to debrief about the fire. I found out though, that I can reach her by e-mail. I was told by my case-manager Jenn that Tori was unreachable by any method so this is great news! I still don't access to the rest of the staff at my old group home where I was able to call anytime of the day or night. But at least having my outreach worker is more then I had this past week.

I was sooo waiting for Tori to call. I wrote her a letter to get her up to date on the situation between my case-manager and I. I told her how Jenn continually refuses to take me shopping and stay with me at the store. Maybe Tori will help advocate for me because I feel like I have little use for my case-manager at the moment. When we do talk I have to think of things that won't upset her or I. Is this not ridiculous? :-).

I really want to make things easier on Kerri. I want to live with Kerri but unfortunately she feels like I am like another kid she has taken. This is so sad for me yet I feel frozen and unable to deal with the outside world much at the moment. I feel to unfocused and slowed down because of the depression to drive and everyone is saying that they are noticing my weight loss. I feel I don't eat because I don't want to leave the house to shop. Our relationship therapist Haley brought this up in counselling today.

For me eating isn't that easy for me especially when I am anxious or depressed. I do have anorexia yet I use to be able to force myself to eat during those times when I was getting out and getting food. I thought I was never going to slip back into the 'starving mode' again but here you have it...

Anyway I found something I think is highly amusing yesterday. Here is the link: http://dooce.com/2009/11/16/2010-former-congressman-charles. If any of you are following my tweets on this blog (scroll down a bit on the right) you may have seen this calendar before.

I had seen this calendar other years while following Heather's blog. This year though after seeing the Chuck's calendar I started thinking of making a Speckle Calendar. She does love to pose for pics and knows her name! Tate will likely the calendar too as he and Speckle are so cute together and Tate has some hilarious poses :-P.

I love Heathers humour, most days, lol. She is a bit off the wall sometimes but I follow her on twitter and I find her amusing....

Time Does Heal Although Situations Ever Change Us

Okay, so the fire 2 evenings ago at my old group home is now hitting me a bit. The tears are starting to flow. The sadness feels deeper and more painful.

I feel sad that the staff, who were always there to help me out are likely not going to want to talk to me for some time. They must be so busy with mess they are now dealing with. I miss the staff.

Last week Tori and Kate, who offer phone support and advocate for my care were ready to have a chat with my case-manager, Jenn. Now I feel like I should just leave them all alone and not use my old group home as my personal distress-line. Past clients are more then welcome to call as needed and the staff are like friends to me at times. Most of them at still the same as when I lived there.

I keep thinking I just want to call them up and debrief or something. They always help me through tough times. I know that this could have happened when I was living there. I never had apartment insurance. I could have lost everything! The structural damage for this fire is estimated at $150 000 and the content damage was $50 000. This of a fire contained in one room! Of course there was water damage and smoke damage likely....

Anyone who wishes to donate can email this address:
www.ottawa.anglican.ca.

I have even been thinking how could the residents and staff watch the resident that died suffer. She must have suffered something horrible! The resident who died had 2nd and 3rd degree burns before being brought to the hospital where she died a few hours later.

How would I have handled this? How are the the residents now? Are they as torn up as I am? They must be feeling this sooo much worse! I sit here knowing that I could have been one of the residents still living there. I never planned on leaving that group home. I loved it there. I was supported by the staff. We were free to come and go as we pleased. It was a home and a lovely one at that.

Last week my outreach worker e-mailed me to invite me to 'spa day' at the group home. It was suppose to be happening in a few days. I don't know if they would even attempt it now although now is when the residents would most need it. There were all sorts of activities for the residents like that...I always politely decline invitations due to my social anxiety and now that I am in the country and transportation is an issue. It is so nice that they even invite past residents though.....

I keep thinking I should send Kate and Tori an e-mail. But what would I say? I could ask them how they are doing. Should I say I am torn up about this? No, then they would feel like they needed to help me....I will be OK...I am just going through the stages of grief over what could have been. I do that!

What I do know is I am obsessing and that I am waaaay to sensitive! I am suppose to have a counselling session today with Hayley over the phone. She was sick yesterday so I am not sure about that. I do know that what I am feeling is normal and that like everything I will get better day by day.

Things will be OK! Time does heal although situations ever change us don't they?

A Full Day Out - Guess What? I Lived!

Today I was out and busy from 9:15am until 4:30pm. Imagine that!!! I was feeling doped up, lol so I figured I would surely be exhausted when I arrived home. I'm not though. I'm proud of myself for making it though this day.

In the morning Kerri and I had our relationship counselling with my individual counsellor Haley. I thought it went really well. Kerri and I were able to talk to each other and listen. I was so mellow I was not even interrupting (interrupting people is something I have quite a knack for, lol).

I was pleased that Kerri admitted in front of Haley that I don't get angry anymore. At least nothing out of the norm. Of course I get angry, don't we all? This is some magical remedy my homeopath, Terrance, has given me. I am suppose to start diluting it as it runs out and I do worry a lot that if I dilute it or stop taking it this will be like Cinderella at the stroke of midnight. You know for me I will go back to my grumpoholic roots :-0!! I hope not!

After Kerri and left our relationship counselling, I got her to drop me off at this meeting I have been missing a lot of lately. It is a meeting for people of all disabilities at a centre that helps us all.

Today two representatives from the Ontario Disability Support Program, ODSP, were talking too our meeting about what changes could be made to the program. They were trying to get us more involved. I had a few things to say. I asked how come I have to hear from my case-manager that I am eligible to get $50 to buy energy saving bulbs? In other words disability offers things but are they not telling anyone. The representatives admitted that they don't always get the word out, uh-huh...

There were other things I brought up but Kerri reminded me that I forget to tell them that they don't give very much for rent. With subsidized housing being a 6 year wait and affordable housing hard to find how does one survive? I know most people on ODSP or even working low income full time jobs have to ask friends and family for help. It's so hard to survive!

After the meeting I even managed to do some emergency shopping. I just got the basics and I was pushing myself because all I really wanted to do was to go to my mental health drop-in and mellow out...I really don't even feel like eating these days anyways....

Anywhooo, here is a pic of Ottawa's very first stay on the ground snowfall of the year! We are actually late as the States and other parts of Canada have had there first snowfall last month!

There is more snow now as I am posting this picture. It is now an hour after I took the photo but it's pitch dark out. Kerri says that the kid down the street is busy building a small snowman already!

I Think 'The Meeting' Was A Success! Yaaaay!

Today's meeting with the pre-shrink nurse, Chelsea, went good. I was accompanied to the appointment by my case-manager, Jenn. Jenn's being there with me helped a great deal!

I still have my appointment to see Dr. Bangs, the resident psychiatrist, at my family docs office on December 2nd. Dr. Bangs is a short term psychiatrist, I think, but this is fine. The shorter the shrink time the quicker I heal, hehe....kidding! But I do hope that my homeopathic treatment will continue to heal me and I have told Chelsea I am not looking for new meds. Maybe a new night prn but that's it for now...

At today's meeting, I was able to vent my frustration at not getting medical intervention from a doctor in 3 1/2 years. I had been asking repeatedly over the years before last December starting Homeopathy.

I was able to voice my frustration in getting medications prescribed to me that had known interactions with other medications that I was taking. Doctor's not knowing about med interactions is not that uncommon either. Usually pharmacist pick up on this kind of thing too but not in my case...

I may take part in an 8 week anxiety group in the spring or summer. My case-manager Jenn said it is best to go to the group when there is no snow about due to the difficulty driving, parking and all that....Waiting is fine with me. More time to heal :-D.

I had to laugh when Chelsea asked me if I lived at home. That was her first question of me. I mean, what kind of question is that? I suppose she meant do you live with your parents. Jenn was trying not to laugh out loud also, but she was not overly successful at that. I didn't help that I pointed this out to Jenn :-0.

I was pretty wired at the meeting. I wondered if I seemed depressed at all. I explained to Chelsea that I haven't wanted to leave the house in over a month; that I'm depressed, and that all I do is watch Television all day. I was thinking though 'Why am I feeling so happy now?' and I was wondering if I was getting hypomanic again.

I guess I was just nervous. So, all in all it was a good meeting. Chelsea was sweet and totally open to me seeing a homeopath and taking remedies :-D.

BAGS, BAGS, BAGS....

BAGS, BAGS, BAGS...

That is correct! I have 3 garbage bags of Kerri's daughter Hope's old clothes that no longer fit her. The waist size looks like it will be OK but Hope is taller then I so some of the pants will need to be chopped off or tailored. No biggie there. I never actually shop for clothes. I people are always giving clothes away to me. Soooo nice! I don't like shopping or spending money and some clothes are quite pricey so ya know....

It will take me probably at least a couple of weeks to go through all the bags but she has tons of nice stuff!!!

I was so exhausted today. I did a 45 min yoga DVD this am after using my S.A.D lamp and then my step-dad Jim drove me to Westgate Mall to get Organic Greens. After that all I wanted to do was to continue vegging. I didn't want to do anything to begin with today but ya know...depression and anxiety is exhausting....

I did have a couple of angry periods. In the morning while all alone I was angry that I couldn't find one of my reusable shopping bags. I thought Kerri must of taken it. I didn't want to be angry when Kerri got home from her first shift of work so I took my calming remedy and was able to tell her calmly, 'I am missing one of the shopping bags,' she went out to her car and came bag and said, 'I'm missing one too,' lol so we have a shopping bag thief!!!! Well actually no one would want to steal a shopping bag so it turned out a bit funny...

I was grumpy when Kerri asked me to look though the garbage bags of clothes. I was looking at then thinking 'I need to lie down, this is going to over burn me out!' I suggested I do the clothes on the weekend when I had no expectations to get out like I do during the week. Well I kinda flipped out and demanded I do the clothes at another time...I should have asked, yes...oops! Kerri came up to me and said she didn't know how to help me. She smelled the lavender oil I had put on with the hopes I would calm down. I was crying at that point and wanted to feel better. I felt totally burnt out and I knew I just needed to crash for a bit. I really can't cope with anything these days...

I've already tentatively called in sick for my volunteer job tomorrow because I've been sick 3 weeks so it seems I'm not getting better anytime soon...I need to focus on getting help with food shopping and cooking from scratch. I need to rest and do self-care....

Things are fine though. I rested for Kerri's second shift and then when she got home we had a cuddle.

I really want to beat my grumpy-o-holismness. I don't to this day know why I get mad like I do. There are different reasons that I have brainstormed about this anger phenomena. One is my hydrocephalus. I have had 10 neurosurgery's and 3 other surgeries during my growing years. I had 4 surgeries that first year I was born and 4 the year I was 14. The others took place in between...

I had other traumas but the therapist I was seeing for 3 years ending last march kept asking about my surgeries. It's hard to go through all that especially for a kid and even for an infant who can't talk. Whatever the reason is that I get angry and have been angry every since I was born (according to my mom hence the surgery theory), I do want to get over my anger. I just want to be happy and free to be the me. I want to live and to be able to be a great partner and to be able to work and to come out from under my bed more often, lol!!!

Today, I Shall Rest To Reclaim My Sanity And Hope For A Better Tomorrow....

Today I have decided that I need a time-out! I do have stuff I was suppose to do but I am unable to do anything do to my bipolar and self-esteem issues.

I am sooo sick of feeling that I am worthless; childlike and not good enough.

For the last 2 weeks and two days (ending yesterday), I had been feeling great so I went out and did things. Life didn't change. There was stuff upsetting me that whole time but I was sooo strong and able to let everything roll off my shoulders. I was not effected by negativity much at all.

Today I am just taking back what is mine - a certain level of control which I feel has been taken away from me.

I am resting. When have I had time to rest lately? I try so hard to do everything be everything to everyone. I don't always say the things I should or act the way I should but I am trying my best. If that's not enough (which it may well be not enough) it makes me very sad and now I feel the tears well up in my eyes because I have waaay to many feelings. I care sooo much it gets in the way of everything I do and say....How to stop the intensity of it all? How do I detach when I feel so trapped?

Hmmm....I will think about that today as I rest. I do have an appointment with my therapist in a couple of hours. I have told her I will do a phone appointment because I am in no shape to drive in to see her....Hopefully she can coach me to be a better person if need be or to accept the person that I am flaws and all...I am getting back to saying affirmations. I forget them sometimes...and I have been forgetting about Little Lisa for a bit...she is 5 and I'm suppose to bring her around with me and nurture her because she is in need of nurturing too!