When Family Doctors Fail...

My family doctors have done nothing to help me deal with my anxiety.

 I used to be able to volunteer for 15 hours a week and I loved it! I use to be able to take the bus, shop for food and even drive. Now I lie on the sofa and usually tune into HLN where I can watch high profile criminal trials in the US and hear the same evidence and lies over and over again and then rehash it all again in the evening while I think of what I want to eat because its hard for me to eat when I am anxious…

I haven’t had a psychiatrist in 6 years. My labels are bipolar, social anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, PTSD and panic disorder. I go to the doctor to see residents doctors who change every 2 years (my doctor has hour long waits) and they won’t actually assign me to a specific resident unless I ask…

Today I had a phone session with my mental health social worker Jenn. I have been feeling so frustrated because one of the Occupational Therapist’s had said she thought I was just using her because I was not able to function on my own after she worked with me for 3 months. Jenn assures me the OT had never dealt with someone with agoraphobia and panic disorder before. The OT would come once every 2 or 3 weeks for 3 months but even I could tell her I didn’t feel any better. Jenn says I really need someone to come get me out every day or something.

I’m just so sick of feeling that people are thinking that since everything is ‘in my head’ I can just snap my fingers and get out and be whoever I want to be just like that.  I told Jenn that I have been telling my resident doctors and my actual doctor who sees me periodically that I have anxiety. I figured I must not be speaking clearly because they don’t offer me help for it. Jenn comes with me to my doctor appointments and told me that I do speak clearly but they do not offer to help me…

The residents see me come in with conversion disorders, and stress headaches that last a month. They send me for a CAT scan to make sure it’s not because of my hydrocephalus but nothing shows up so they expect to see me back when my meds run out in 6 months.

It’s not like I did not fight to have a life with these panic attacks. For a year I continued to show up at my volunteer jobs. The staff would tell me to go lie down and rest for a bit if I was having a panic attack. They would let me deal with the attacks on my own because I told them it would go away on its own. I preferred to be alone for the most part.

On the way to my volunteer job I started to have panic attacks on the bus and then in the Rideau Centre walking to get my connection. Then the panic attack would pass and I would put in my hours volunteering like nothing had happened. Then I started having panic attacks at the bus stop or waking up in the morning…how could I fight back?

Clients would ask me ‘are you a student’ ‘do you work?’ To them I was just a human and I didn’t look like someone with a mental illness.  Sometimes I would tell them that I was not able to work because of my mental issues and do you know what? I have gotten so much respect from people for just being honest!

But doctors, answer me this, with all my problems why do I not have a psychiatrist who does psychotherapy? Gratefully after 6 years of this progression of anxiety my worker has given my family doctor’s consultant shrink a referral form (like a month ago) to help me get a doctor at our local Mental Hospital who specializes in anxiety to work with me…the waiting list is about 6 months and Jenn has offered to drive me.

I really hope I get help but when I feel really scared or depressed sometimes I really feel that there is no help for me. I hope I’m wrong. I do have so much to offer the world and I would like to help out in some way and give back…

The Painful Struggle Of Addiction And Where I'm At...

Amy Winehouse died 2 days ago and I have been reading everything I can to find out why. There is not much. It is assumed to be drugs since the autopsy has not found anything. Now we will have to wait 4-6 weeks for the the toxicology reports.  I don’t know much about Amy but what I have been learning is that was a troubled addict and I can identify with her struggle as I am an addict who has been sober 6 years.  I was never into her music. I can’t relate to the celebrity part which I know is a huge part but here are some of my thoughts on addiction:

Addiction changes your brain. You are numb inside or at least these are my thoughts here from my druggy days…I didn’t get why people were so worried about me. People stopped their lives and came to help me wondering if I was going to die or when. I tried not to talk about all this after I came too, or survived that high or attempt on my life. The boundaries were not even clear. I was so impulsive. I didn’t want to think. I had thrown the coping skills I did have out the window and just focused on the now. I didn’t think of the future. I was just existing…I needed to survive. I needed to block out my depression, anxiety, flashbacks of abuse, sadness of my dads death, and memories of my operations from my hydrocephalus. It was a painful realization that the goals I had set up to do ie complete University; have a great job; house, 2 kids; husband (I was so lost I didn’t yet realize I was a lesbian nor did I want to deal with that yet) were not going to happen due to my existing mental problems coupled with a learning disability….so much in my head.  

The other day I was on twitter and a site came up of a singer, Tori Amos. I love  music but it had been awhile since I played her songs. This song 'Winter' made me think of Amy Winehouse for probably no reason idk...anyways I got hooked on this song and I didn't even know what it was talking about (I listed to the tune not so much the words - gets me in trouble sometimes, lol).

   

Looking on the web it seems to be about Tori remembering a happy event from her childhood, playing and her father’s unconditional love.  I have been imagining myself as a 4 year old and pretending to interact with ‘little me.’ This is something my team of professionals have been coaching me on. I look at 'little me' through my eyes and remember that I do not wish pain on myself as this child. I even notice I try never to swear because I’m a mom now to myself, lol…

In my interactions with my cats Speckle and now Bob I treat them as if they are perfect and I want only happiness and to love them.

Anyway, about the addiction piece I am so happy that I am here on this earth still even though its so not easy for me yet. Now I can perhaps shed light onto this deadly problem and the deep denial within the addict/alcoholics that keeps them lying and keeps them using.

There is really nothing you can do for a person who does not stay clean or get help. Sometimes you have to way the pros and cons ie. Do you really need this person in your life or are you going to start letting go of them and taking care of YOU!

I'm Guessing I Have A.D.D - Heck What's One More Label? LOL.

I'm not sure why staff Katie at my volunteer job likes me to call in sick still.  I have been calling in sick for most of the past 2 1/2 months and she knows I'm on sabbatical :-P!  But I think its nice and also a good motivator to get well.  She knows what's going on for me and seems very caring about the whole thing.  She is a really caring person to everyone it seems.  Sweet....

I did try to do some self-care today which has become a rarity except for ingesting herbal stuff (but I did that too - not what you are thinking but...).  I first started just at the computer while browsing Twitter profiles and Facebook groups.  I started breathing out rapidly.  This breathing is called breath of fire.  I learned this in yoga.  It does feel good and wakes you up a bit, lol.  Then I was reading on my Yoga forum on Facebook  this one person was having anxiety and yoga was not enough so people were suggesting meditation.  So I did 10 minutes of a sitting meditation. 

After the 10 minutes were up I felt such endorphins from the concentration and constant deep breathing.  It was sweet.  I wanted to meditate all day, lol, but then I also want to do a million other things and it's good to start at mediation bit by bit, or so I heard...

I have been hearing from different people that I may have A.D.D (attention deficit disorder) so I have started telling people that I may have it.  I know in grade school ever since I was 6 I was told I had a learning disability.  They called it a visual tracking problem.  In university the learning specialist explained my problem for the first time.  She said that when I am reading I unconsciously space out and miss things.  I even do that on this blog while proof reading.  It's really embarrassing!  Thing is though I don't only space out while reading.  I do it all the time.  So I think its A.D.D.  I have joined a Facebook group for A.D.D and they are telling my story, so, ya know.

I was thinking about being retested a few years back but it's $1500 for the test and since there is some much else going on for me that could be causing this problem i.e. the lithium has made it worse, my ptsd, my general anxiety is usually quite high and I am even have had possible head injury from birth because of my hydrocephalus and the lack of treatment I got for it in the beginning.   I have been tested for head injury but this was years ago and they didn't have all the testing faculties that they now do.  So, I will have to just diagnose myself.  Okie dokie????

I was proud of myself today because I drove!!!  Well, I drove down our small dead end street that is, lol.  I got a good idea of how driving on pure snow feels like.   I have driven on pure snow before.  It's a bit slippy, yep!  I try to avoid snowy days and then usually the main roads clear up soon after a snow fall.

I am taking care of my car though.  I clear the snow off of it and let it run everyday or every other day.  It's like one of my children :-P.  I can't drive any further at the moment until my anxiety calms down because if i left our quiet dead-end street there is a country road where the cars boot along at 60 km an hour!  NOOOOO thanks :-D.  Well someday but but sloooowly....

I Can Empathize With The Character's On 'Mystery Diagnosis'

Have you ever seen the TV show Mystery Diagnosis?

I can really empathize with the real life characters on this show. These characters have spend years going from doctor to doctor and from treatment to treatment looking for an answer as to why they are sick. In the end they get a diagnosis but only after getting told by multiple doctors that there is nothing wrong with them when there obviously is something very wrong!

This show brings me back to my own situation and the memories of how I was turned away so many times from doctors when I was legitimately ill. I would be having issues with my hydrocephalus or my bipolar and no doctor saw anything wrong. Sometimes there was no test that would show anything so the doctors would blame my symptoms on my BPD or stress when that was not always the case...

I can't tell you how many times people have told me over the years 'it's all in your head'. A lot of good that all did me!!!! I did learn positive affirmations, yoga, breathing exercises, safe touch etc but in the end I never really got to the underlying issue as I have been continuing to get sicker and sicker.

Today I take good care of myself but am still crippled by anxiety and depression. I have learned to just deal with the feelings that come up and not punish myself for how I'm feeling. I do some soothing work but mostly just rest and distract....wait. I'm waiting to able to get my life kick-started into gear...I'm waiting for the numbness to wear off (but happy I can now control the anger with my homepath's medicine) and for confidence and excitement to come creeping back for for things that require me to leave the house.

I wonder why have I just been sitting at home for the past month. I'm not fighting. I just wonder sometimes if I will have the answers or the 'cure' to get my life back together like the real life characters in Mystery Diagnosis. For these people on the show they had to go through soooo much pain and frustration. Watching this show helps me to not feel so alone anymore as I sit on the sofa and watch more television and watch my life go by....

BAGS, BAGS, BAGS....

BAGS, BAGS, BAGS...

That is correct! I have 3 garbage bags of Kerri's daughter Hope's old clothes that no longer fit her. The waist size looks like it will be OK but Hope is taller then I so some of the pants will need to be chopped off or tailored. No biggie there. I never actually shop for clothes. I people are always giving clothes away to me. Soooo nice! I don't like shopping or spending money and some clothes are quite pricey so ya know....

It will take me probably at least a couple of weeks to go through all the bags but she has tons of nice stuff!!!

I was so exhausted today. I did a 45 min yoga DVD this am after using my S.A.D lamp and then my step-dad Jim drove me to Westgate Mall to get Organic Greens. After that all I wanted to do was to continue vegging. I didn't want to do anything to begin with today but ya know...depression and anxiety is exhausting....

I did have a couple of angry periods. In the morning while all alone I was angry that I couldn't find one of my reusable shopping bags. I thought Kerri must of taken it. I didn't want to be angry when Kerri got home from her first shift of work so I took my calming remedy and was able to tell her calmly, 'I am missing one of the shopping bags,' she went out to her car and came bag and said, 'I'm missing one too,' lol so we have a shopping bag thief!!!! Well actually no one would want to steal a shopping bag so it turned out a bit funny...

I was grumpy when Kerri asked me to look though the garbage bags of clothes. I was looking at then thinking 'I need to lie down, this is going to over burn me out!' I suggested I do the clothes on the weekend when I had no expectations to get out like I do during the week. Well I kinda flipped out and demanded I do the clothes at another time...I should have asked, yes...oops! Kerri came up to me and said she didn't know how to help me. She smelled the lavender oil I had put on with the hopes I would calm down. I was crying at that point and wanted to feel better. I felt totally burnt out and I knew I just needed to crash for a bit. I really can't cope with anything these days...

I've already tentatively called in sick for my volunteer job tomorrow because I've been sick 3 weeks so it seems I'm not getting better anytime soon...I need to focus on getting help with food shopping and cooking from scratch. I need to rest and do self-care....

Things are fine though. I rested for Kerri's second shift and then when she got home we had a cuddle.

I really want to beat my grumpy-o-holismness. I don't to this day know why I get mad like I do. There are different reasons that I have brainstormed about this anger phenomena. One is my hydrocephalus. I have had 10 neurosurgery's and 3 other surgeries during my growing years. I had 4 surgeries that first year I was born and 4 the year I was 14. The others took place in between...

I had other traumas but the therapist I was seeing for 3 years ending last march kept asking about my surgeries. It's hard to go through all that especially for a kid and even for an infant who can't talk. Whatever the reason is that I get angry and have been angry every since I was born (according to my mom hence the surgery theory), I do want to get over my anger. I just want to be happy and free to be the me. I want to live and to be able to be a great partner and to be able to work and to come out from under my bed more often, lol!!!