I haven’t had a psychiatrist in 6 years. My labels are bipolar, social anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, PTSD and panic disorder. I go to the doctor to see residents doctors who change every 2 years (my doctor has hour long waits) and they won’t actually assign me to a specific resident unless I ask…
Today I had a phone session with my mental health social worker Jenn. I have been feeling so frustrated because one of the Occupational Therapist’s had said she thought I was just using her because I was not able to function on my own after she worked with me for 3 months. Jenn assures me the OT had never dealt with someone with agoraphobia and panic disorder before. The OT would come once every 2 or 3 weeks for 3 months but even I could tell her I didn’t feel any better. Jenn says I really need someone to come get me out every day or something.
I’m just so sick of feeling that people are thinking that since everything is ‘in my head’ I can just snap my fingers and get out and be whoever I want to be just like that. I told Jenn that I have been telling my resident doctors and my actual doctor who sees me periodically that I have anxiety. I figured I must not be speaking clearly because they don’t offer me help for it. Jenn comes with me to my doctor appointments and told me that I do speak clearly but they do not offer to help me…
The residents see me come in with conversion disorders, and stress headaches that last a month. They send me for a CAT scan to make sure it’s not because of my hydrocephalus but nothing shows up so they expect to see me back when my meds run out in 6 months.
It’s not like I did not fight to have a life with these panic attacks. For a year I continued to show up at my volunteer jobs. The staff would tell me to go lie down and rest for a bit if I was having a panic attack. They would let me deal with the attacks on my own because I told them it would go away on its own. I preferred to be alone for the most part.
On the way to my volunteer job I started to have panic attacks on the bus and then in the Rideau Centre walking to get my connection. Then the panic attack would pass and I would put in my hours volunteering like nothing had happened. Then I started having panic attacks at the bus stop or waking up in the morning…how could I fight back?
Clients would ask me ‘are you a student’ ‘do you work?’ To them I was just a human and I didn’t look like someone with a mental illness. Sometimes I would tell them that I was not able to work because of my mental issues and do you know what? I have gotten so much respect from people for just being honest!
But doctors, answer me this, with all my problems why do I not have a psychiatrist who does psychotherapy? Gratefully after 6 years of this progression of anxiety my worker has given my family doctor’s consultant shrink a referral form (like a month ago) to help me get a doctor at our local Mental Hospital who specializes in anxiety to work with me…the waiting list is about 6 months and Jenn has offered to drive me.
I really hope I get help but when I feel really scared or depressed sometimes I really feel that there is no help for me. I hope I’m wrong. I do have so much to offer the world and I would like to help out in some way and give back…
