If All Else Fails, There Is Television, Right?

My cat Speckle is a real ‘nut!’

Last night I was ‘making’ cat food in the basement apartment I live in at my folks place. Upstairs Bob and Speckle must have been playing but then I hear a crash! I didn’t hear anything after so I continued what I was doing. My folks were in bed already but apparently they didn’t hear a thing because the cats were in a back room. When I went upstairs, finally, I saw an overturned ceramic plate that had been pushed off the table by Speckle (Bob is old and doesn’t climb up on tables anymore as far as I know). Nothing broke miraculously. It was a plate of fruit cake which was still covered over by a plastic bag...I don’t know about Speckle sometimes. She’s a true nut! She’s a 6 ½ year old Tortie and still very kitten like…is this a Tortie thing or something?

As for me, I can say I’ve been depressed more then I’ve been happy in the last nine months since moving out of Kerri’s place. Kerri and I are still best friends. We do talk on the phone a lot but she is in BC and I am here in Ottawa. Its not the same as seeing her all the time and we do have a really close connection because we were girlfriends for 9 months a few years back before becoming best friends...

I have tened to watch a lot of TV in the last 2 1/2 years since I’ve succumbed to agoraphobia. TV seems my answer to everything. It is a pretty good security blanket which I can control and almost create my world and moods.

 On the worst of days when my anxiety gets to the max I wonder why I have to live like ‘this.’ As a spiritual person I wonder what is after this life. That is when you find out 'why' and everything is supposed to make sense. I try my best to be kind because I want kindness shown to me in return and maybe that’s what the ‘boss’ on the other side wants of me…the only thing I forget, quite often is to let stuff go once in awhile. Isn’t that why I’m so tense? I’m holding onto everything that ever happened to me? When people say ‘let it go,’ I don’t get it. It’s like telling an anorexic (and I still have that tendency) to eat. It’s Greek! I don't speak that language. I don't get it!

Even before I could write I remember verbally dictating to my father my dreams. Dad would write them down for me. I still continue to do this. And I still have all my dream books too, lol. Now I discuss my dreams with my therapist Cindy and use the dream dictionary on-line

http://dreemmoods.com/ as a reference. I pay attention to the feelings that come up and when subjects repeat.

I have recently started Bowen Therapy (The Bowen Technique). This is a body work healing therapy. Most of the literature/on-line videos of Bowen are for physical ailments for people or animals but Bowen Practitioners have clients like me for mental healing as well. Its all about pressure points on the body. I have had only 2 sessions. I will have ‘at least’ 8 and can have as needed sessions after that. I want to try to work heal from my anxiety and depression if that’s at all possible…Actually, it must be, right? I just have to keep at it and if all else fails, there is Television….

I'm Pretty Good At Distracting Myself From Myself....

As many of you know I am on twitter and I retweet true crime and many sad sad things. I find that one of the things I really feel sad and angry about is sexual abuse and I don’t retweet many of the high profile cases because I can’t deal with my own past as a sexual abuse survivor. I have been tormented by my abuse for most of my life. Now I do know that I am feeling much more solid on that front since I came out as a lesbian and found Kerri who is now my bestest friend. We met on Plenty of Fish dating site 2 ½ years ago. I can now at least watch most of the talk shows that talk about sexual abuse.

Kerri and I are very different in our beliefs. I tell her that the reason that I feel happy even though I am sad a lot is because I feel spiritually that there is something more then this shallow world we live in…It’s a great escape to think of other dimensions, hehe. I have found this free on-line radio station I like called:  http://a2zen.fm/ you don’t need to be a member to listen and they talk about all sorts of things like spiritual guides, chakras and healing, astrology, ways of changing your thinking etc…There are tons of archived shows which is mostly what I listen too…I’m way to scatterbrained to find a show I like and make time for it at the right time…I sort of have to be feeling in the mood for this sort of stuff…it’s deep!

This week Cindy has told me to write down what the thoughts are connected to my feelings of guilt and fear. I feel those two emotions 24/7 but it feels scary to sit down and pick out the root of those even though I’m pretty open at talking, expressing and showing my feelings (Cindy says I’m pretty good at distracting myself from myself and this is true as well :-P). I try to come off as strong when I am not but I hate to draw attention to myself.

For the past couple of days I have had upper back pain on my left side. Today I have even had osteoarthritis pain in my left knee and in my right. I think all these although physical are psychosomatic. Oh, and yesterday I felt like I was coming down with the flu but it never happened. It think my homeopathic remedies were the culprit but better then the real thing. In fact it seems most those I am following in Ottawa on twitter seemed to be sick yesterday. I hope they are ok now…Things physical for me usually are psychosomatic in some way…

I have had this problem on and off for much of my adult life where I pull out my hair. The shrinks call it Trichotillomania which can be a form of OCD if it gets in the way of your life but it basically when you have anxiety and that is my first name!

Last week I went on a 4 day hair pulling binge and now I have taken up Kerri’s idea of tying my hair back. It really works for me too! I still go through the motions of pulling when a hair peeks through my hair band but in the last week I have only pulled out 2 hairs and this is a record!…

 
I am so sad this Christmas that I am not sharing it with Kerri. We lived together the last 2 Christmases. I really miss her a lot but I am so grateful that we can still talk on the phone tons. She really makes me smile…

When Family Doctors Fail...

My family doctors have done nothing to help me deal with my anxiety.

 I used to be able to volunteer for 15 hours a week and I loved it! I use to be able to take the bus, shop for food and even drive. Now I lie on the sofa and usually tune into HLN where I can watch high profile criminal trials in the US and hear the same evidence and lies over and over again and then rehash it all again in the evening while I think of what I want to eat because its hard for me to eat when I am anxious…

I haven’t had a psychiatrist in 6 years. My labels are bipolar, social anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, PTSD and panic disorder. I go to the doctor to see residents doctors who change every 2 years (my doctor has hour long waits) and they won’t actually assign me to a specific resident unless I ask…

Today I had a phone session with my mental health social worker Jenn. I have been feeling so frustrated because one of the Occupational Therapist’s had said she thought I was just using her because I was not able to function on my own after she worked with me for 3 months. Jenn assures me the OT had never dealt with someone with agoraphobia and panic disorder before. The OT would come once every 2 or 3 weeks for 3 months but even I could tell her I didn’t feel any better. Jenn says I really need someone to come get me out every day or something.

I’m just so sick of feeling that people are thinking that since everything is ‘in my head’ I can just snap my fingers and get out and be whoever I want to be just like that.  I told Jenn that I have been telling my resident doctors and my actual doctor who sees me periodically that I have anxiety. I figured I must not be speaking clearly because they don’t offer me help for it. Jenn comes with me to my doctor appointments and told me that I do speak clearly but they do not offer to help me…

The residents see me come in with conversion disorders, and stress headaches that last a month. They send me for a CAT scan to make sure it’s not because of my hydrocephalus but nothing shows up so they expect to see me back when my meds run out in 6 months.

It’s not like I did not fight to have a life with these panic attacks. For a year I continued to show up at my volunteer jobs. The staff would tell me to go lie down and rest for a bit if I was having a panic attack. They would let me deal with the attacks on my own because I told them it would go away on its own. I preferred to be alone for the most part.

On the way to my volunteer job I started to have panic attacks on the bus and then in the Rideau Centre walking to get my connection. Then the panic attack would pass and I would put in my hours volunteering like nothing had happened. Then I started having panic attacks at the bus stop or waking up in the morning…how could I fight back?

Clients would ask me ‘are you a student’ ‘do you work?’ To them I was just a human and I didn’t look like someone with a mental illness.  Sometimes I would tell them that I was not able to work because of my mental issues and do you know what? I have gotten so much respect from people for just being honest!

But doctors, answer me this, with all my problems why do I not have a psychiatrist who does psychotherapy? Gratefully after 6 years of this progression of anxiety my worker has given my family doctor’s consultant shrink a referral form (like a month ago) to help me get a doctor at our local Mental Hospital who specializes in anxiety to work with me…the waiting list is about 6 months and Jenn has offered to drive me.

I really hope I get help but when I feel really scared or depressed sometimes I really feel that there is no help for me. I hope I’m wrong. I do have so much to offer the world and I would like to help out in some way and give back…

The Painful Struggle Of Addiction And Where I'm At...

Amy Winehouse died 2 days ago and I have been reading everything I can to find out why. There is not much. It is assumed to be drugs since the autopsy has not found anything. Now we will have to wait 4-6 weeks for the the toxicology reports.  I don’t know much about Amy but what I have been learning is that was a troubled addict and I can identify with her struggle as I am an addict who has been sober 6 years.  I was never into her music. I can’t relate to the celebrity part which I know is a huge part but here are some of my thoughts on addiction:

Addiction changes your brain. You are numb inside or at least these are my thoughts here from my druggy days…I didn’t get why people were so worried about me. People stopped their lives and came to help me wondering if I was going to die or when. I tried not to talk about all this after I came too, or survived that high or attempt on my life. The boundaries were not even clear. I was so impulsive. I didn’t want to think. I had thrown the coping skills I did have out the window and just focused on the now. I didn’t think of the future. I was just existing…I needed to survive. I needed to block out my depression, anxiety, flashbacks of abuse, sadness of my dads death, and memories of my operations from my hydrocephalus. It was a painful realization that the goals I had set up to do ie complete University; have a great job; house, 2 kids; husband (I was so lost I didn’t yet realize I was a lesbian nor did I want to deal with that yet) were not going to happen due to my existing mental problems coupled with a learning disability….so much in my head.  

The other day I was on twitter and a site came up of a singer, Tori Amos. I love  music but it had been awhile since I played her songs. This song 'Winter' made me think of Amy Winehouse for probably no reason idk...anyways I got hooked on this song and I didn't even know what it was talking about (I listed to the tune not so much the words - gets me in trouble sometimes, lol).

   

Looking on the web it seems to be about Tori remembering a happy event from her childhood, playing and her father’s unconditional love.  I have been imagining myself as a 4 year old and pretending to interact with ‘little me.’ This is something my team of professionals have been coaching me on. I look at 'little me' through my eyes and remember that I do not wish pain on myself as this child. I even notice I try never to swear because I’m a mom now to myself, lol…

In my interactions with my cats Speckle and now Bob I treat them as if they are perfect and I want only happiness and to love them.

Anyway, about the addiction piece I am so happy that I am here on this earth still even though its so not easy for me yet. Now I can perhaps shed light onto this deadly problem and the deep denial within the addict/alcoholics that keeps them lying and keeps them using.

There is really nothing you can do for a person who does not stay clean or get help. Sometimes you have to way the pros and cons ie. Do you really need this person in your life or are you going to start letting go of them and taking care of YOU!

Adding Structure Is Key - Uh Oh, Work Ahead In Therapy, Shhhhh!

I had my second appointment with my therapist Cindy this morning.  I always get to near panic mode before a new therapist or case-manager type person in the beginning.  I know I will be telling my life story over again in the space of an hour and it does bring out some of the pain.  I'm also worried about someone else caring about me oddly enough.  Maybe I am just so use to protecting others, hum.

So, I was running around making relaxation tea, valerian and putting lavender oil under my nostrils.  I was still panicky though.  My relaxation herbs are very mild so what can you do?  It did help to chat with Cindy about what I was feeling though and so that maybe someday I can better control my anxiety like I was able to with my therapist Anne. 

I was telling Cindy that I really want to get to the underlying issue of what is causing my fear/ panic/anxiety.  I told her that a couple of years back I did yoga nearly everyday (except for like 2) for eleven months and was still getting anxiety and depression (although less).  I don't want to get into another boot camp regiment while still have mental health issues that are severe enough to hurt me,   NOOOO I don't!

Cindy gave me homework.  I am to do 5 minutes of exercise (running in the spot or dancing to fast tunes - likely all alone in my bedroom as this is embarrassing) and 10 minutes of meditation.   She also told me to write a 3 day food plan because I need to eat on a regular basis and I have trouble figuring out what to eat even though I am hungry. 

I'm not sure about the food plan bit.  I like to eat what I want when I want but Cindy says that I need to do mechanical eating.   Mechanical eating is eating food even though you don't feel like eating.  Yuck!  That's like forcing me to go to my volunteer job or shopping even though I'm wrecked with anxiety or depression!  NOOOOOO, meh! 

I told Cindy I would start with the daily meditation and exercise.  It's a start :-D.

I think I will be out snow shovelling again at some point as it has been snowing yesterday and today again (this counts as exercise :-D).  The cats are not amused about the snow.  Well, Spock our semi-adopted cat likes it but he has been outside for who knows how long.  He just showed up one day in the summer and has never left so we take him and quarantine him to the cat room until we get him dewormed and all fixed. 

Kerri is taking Spock to the vet on the 17th.  Our other cats don't seem to mind him so much now that he comes in the house on occasion.  I hope Bobby the dog will behave himself in February if we decide to keep Spock.  Bobby the dog use to go bananas whenever he saw Spock at the window....

I Dig My New Therapist Although Tomorrow I Will Be Be Doing A Different Kind Of Digging :-P

Good news!!!!  I met with my new therapist Cindy and we totally click.  Cindy is calling me on my feelings and behaviours and relating them to my anorexia already.  Oops! 

I'm not so bad these days but I don't eat as often as I should.  Kerri keeps telling me to eat because we are cuddling and my tummy is growling.  I don't always know what to eat though.  I need to work on my depression/ anxiety and my eating issues for sure but Cindy knows all about my issues and even losing a dad to cancer around puberty.  I lose my dad to melanoma skin Cancer when I was 11. 

Cindy has already given me homework too - eleven pages of questions I am suppose to answer about me!  That's eleven 8x11 inch pages!  My case-manager, Jenn, came over to see me after my session with Cindy and has given me homework too.  She wants me to photocopy Cindy's homework questions (I better get on that before I do the homework as Jenn wants to ask her clients these questions and not show them my answers, lol).  I offered as we have a photocopier in the house.  I would have to photocopy each of the pages one at a time but its all good...

Jenn and I had a good chat.   She actually scared me at one point though while explaining about needing two different windshield wiper fluids. You need one for summer and another one for winter. The winter will not freeze but the summer one does. I had no idea one needed to worry about such a thing. So, not knowing which one I had in my car and not being able to access it through the trunk, I sprayed the fluid (sending the wipers into motion) while Jenn collected the specimen. Jenn kept yelling at me to stop the wipers and just spray the fluid but apparently in my Toyota Corolla one goes with the other, lol.  I have no clue about cars!!

Anywhoo I put the specimen in the freezer for an hour and it's not frozen so me thinks I've got the winter wiper fluid.  All is good :-D.

My folks gave me their second car as a housewarming pressie when I moved out here in the boonies with little bus access.  Moving from a two car family to a one car family must have been a huge jolt!  I really do need the car as I don't have bus access out here but I have barely driven my car in the last 2 months due to severe anxiety/ depression. 

Because it's below 0 C out and there is snow (with a huge 20 cm dumping expected overnight), I have to be careful to maintain my car.  Yes I have snow tires and the whole bit.  We had them put on in October during the tune-up.  You never know when the snow will hit though... 

Kerri knows a lot about cars.  She has had her own car in the boonies for years.  So Kerri tells me that I need to get the snow off my car everyday so that the doors don't freeze shut.  No biggie. I also run it until the motor sounds good.  I can plug it in for warm it up on very cold days too.  Lastly I test all the doors and the trunk to make sure everything will open for me. 

Tonight the city of Ottawa is waiting for the huge snowfall.  By tomorrow at some point there will be 10-15 cm of snow!  This is not new for us but it does slow up the driving quite a bit.  I will be up and out shovelling at 7am as  Kerri will need to get her bus out of the drive-way for work at 7:20am.  She is a school bus driver and they don't often cancel school around here...wish us luck, hehe...

Detoxing Off Meds That Weren't For Me. Fun Times...

I am feeling pretty down today. 

I am enjoying my time cuddling with Kerri  and watching a mooovie (soon we will be hibernating watching Christmas mooovies :-D) but things have been pretty tense lately between Kerri and I.  I've come to the conclusion that a loving relationship (or is it just puppy love lust) is bipolar at the best and worst of times.  Kerri is my first love but I hear this from others in relationships too.  I am seeing patterns in myself and in Kerri so maybe I can start building up the walls of indifference before the storm strikes from now on? 

Three days ago my homeopath, Terrance, started detoxing me off Celexa and Haldol.  These drugs were horrible for me! 

Celexa is an anti-depressant.  It gave me a horrible chronic back ache all up my spine for the whole two weeks I was on it.  Further I ended up losing 15 pounds in those two weeks.  I couldn't eat more then a bite at every meal before I felt stuff to the gills!  I reported this to the staff and they didn't believe me that I wasn't eating.  Um, they were the ones taking my trays back.  Another thing about Celexa is that I ended up getting a painful infection in on my gums due to the fact that the drug made me shake so bad I couldn't brush my teeth even a little for those two weeks.  I was an in-patient in the psych ward at the time seven years ago and I did have to endure a lot.  But hey I was manic for my whole stay until my psychiatrist Dr. Dinton started me off on Lithium...manic as an in-patient for seven weeks and the the staff couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, wierdness!

Haldol  is just a really painful drug for me to be on.  They use to give it to me as a prn anti-psychotic.  It caused me to have trouble breathing.  My tongue lost the ability to compress so I had to keep spitting.  I was in soooo much pain in my jaw which felt locked.  I would try to scream and cry but this was hard because my mouth was so stiff.  The staff would have to give me a needle of Cogentin in my butt cheek to bring down the reaction.  Cogentin comes in pill form but this never helped me.

Could my detoxing off these medications that were so wrong for me be why my anxiety and depression have been so extreme?  Yep, could be.  Or not, who knows.  Homeopathy does bring stuff out though.  Or not, anywhoo, Terrance has told me NOT to come of my psych meds.  I asked him if my meds are the reason why I have such extreme reactions to the homeopathic remedies and detoxing etc.  He says I'm not ready to wean myself off anything and I know that but to here him say that made me feel good because I was feeling like western medicine and homeopathy were like clashing or something.

I also have trichotillomania which is a hair pulling disorder in the obsessive compulsive disorder family.  It's a compulsion.  I have been hair pulling more then normal for the past couple of weeks.  I do this when I am anxious (which is most of the time).  My mom says she can get me something herbal to stop it but I think if I just work on my anxiety and my issue - the underlying causes and detox then I will be OK.  I use to have an actual bald spot but I don't think it's that bad now.  I had stopped for a bit one time after this one lady at my old group home use to scream at me every time she saw me pull my hair out.  Yes it did work to be screamed at.  I hated it though, so don't anyone get ideas :-P.

Some Days Are Hard - Finding A New Strategy Might Work :-).

I feel like I'm crashing.  Today was very hard.  It doesn't seem to be getting any easier.  I feel like I really need a break.  I do want to blog and I had blogged honestly for the past half hour and then pressed delete post instead of publish.  So, here I am again exhausted.  I am sooo wanting something to feel good about but not able to find anything at the moment and feeling lost and dumb. 

Kerri took me out shopping today.  This was a very hard time for both of us.  I could hardly breathe. You know that smothered feeling.  It kinda freaks me out!  It's been 3 hours since we got home and I am still holding my breath most of the time aka feeling smothered.  When I do this my anxiety gets worse and worse.  It's come to the point where I know that I will not be able to go out with Kerri and her friends for dinner to celebrate one of Kerri's friend's kids birthday's.  I am just so tired and just want to be alone where I can fight back the tears of frustration.

I am also frustrated that I am noticing that some people around me are miss-reading situations that are not in my control at this time.  I try to explain how hard it is for me and what is really going on in my head but I feel that I am not being heard.  It's as if I was still my rage-aholic former self and people sure misunderstood me then.  I thought trying to explain things without raising my voice that things would be better but they are no better as far as I can tell.  I just hold on to waaay to much and hurt like crazy...

I think tonight I just need me time.  I haven't had that yet today.  When I am stressed out this hardly counts as me time, does it?

Okay so goals for this evening while I am alone:

1.  call the crisis line.  This can help if I am able to get through all the busy signals, grrr.
2.  deep breathe
3.  listen to songs that help bring out my feelings
4.  pray to my higher power for strength
5.  eat something substantial
6. find something to laugh about...I sent this video to Kerri:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDgAdXTcs00 

She didn't seem to get the humour behind it but I did :-).  As I said before it is loud in this house.  I try not to intervene during the day or at night.  Kerri and Hope are heavy sleepers and so no one keeps them awake!  When I lived with my folks, my mom was a light sleeper like me and so I got into the habit of being quiet and turning the tv down etc at night or during nap times etc.  Here the sound carries it being a split level house.  It's a nice size though (for daytime, hehe).

I do sleep much better using the remedy my homeopath Terrance gave me to calm me.  Hopefully I will still feel OK as I continue to wean off and stop it altogether...this is scary though i.e. will I still be OK; calm, and feel the detachment that this remedy brings me?

Anywhoo, this is me today and hopefully tomorrow will be a more relaxing day!  Ciao :-).

I Hope This Means I Am Slowly Getting My Supports Baaack? :-)

One great thing about today was that Tori, my outreach worker called me! This was a great relief!

Tori was calling me to invite me to the memorial service for the lady who died in the fire at my old group home last week. I have never met the lady but I am also not good about things like like funerals and memorial services (or anything out of my routine for that matter). So I told Tori that I probably wouldn't be going to the memorial. She said she knew I would probably not feel up to going. It was awesome she thought of me and called though.

Tori only had a couple of minutes to chat with me on the phone and acknowledged that she didn't have time yet to debrief about the fire. I found out though, that I can reach her by e-mail. I was told by my case-manager Jenn that Tori was unreachable by any method so this is great news! I still don't access to the rest of the staff at my old group home where I was able to call anytime of the day or night. But at least having my outreach worker is more then I had this past week.

I was sooo waiting for Tori to call. I wrote her a letter to get her up to date on the situation between my case-manager and I. I told her how Jenn continually refuses to take me shopping and stay with me at the store. Maybe Tori will help advocate for me because I feel like I have little use for my case-manager at the moment. When we do talk I have to think of things that won't upset her or I. Is this not ridiculous? :-).

I really want to make things easier on Kerri. I want to live with Kerri but unfortunately she feels like I am like another kid she has taken. This is so sad for me yet I feel frozen and unable to deal with the outside world much at the moment. I feel to unfocused and slowed down because of the depression to drive and everyone is saying that they are noticing my weight loss. I feel I don't eat because I don't want to leave the house to shop. Our relationship therapist Haley brought this up in counselling today.

For me eating isn't that easy for me especially when I am anxious or depressed. I do have anorexia yet I use to be able to force myself to eat during those times when I was getting out and getting food. I thought I was never going to slip back into the 'starving mode' again but here you have it...

Anyway I found something I think is highly amusing yesterday. Here is the link: http://dooce.com/2009/11/16/2010-former-congressman-charles. If any of you are following my tweets on this blog (scroll down a bit on the right) you may have seen this calendar before.

I had seen this calendar other years while following Heather's blog. This year though after seeing the Chuck's calendar I started thinking of making a Speckle Calendar. She does love to pose for pics and knows her name! Tate will likely the calendar too as he and Speckle are so cute together and Tate has some hilarious poses :-P.

I love Heathers humour, most days, lol. She is a bit off the wall sometimes but I follow her on twitter and I find her amusing....

Homeopathy Is A Bit Odd, But Hey, Whatever Works :-D

I am soooo tired and depressed today. Sometimes I want to skip blogging altogether even though I like blogging. I just feel so bad that I all I have to say is how depressed I am lately. I don't know when it will end but I'm OK. I don't stay in bed. I find things watch on TV and the Internet is my daily excitement. You know e-mail, Facebook, Forums, Twitter, lol :-D.

I belong to a homeopathy forum on Facebook and love it when people post informative videos on the subject. I do get hope from it thinking that I just have to continue seeing my homeopath and that one day (hopefully in the next 6 months?) I will notice dramatic improvement.

I am intentionally not posting You Tube Videos or information about homeopathy because I don't know if it will make a lot of sense or come across as utter quackery. There are so many sceptics out there. There are also people who might want to see a Homeopath but are not able to afford such luxuries as alternative treatments because unless you have insurance plan you will be paying a hefty out of pocket fee. I am lucky that I am on a family plan and also disability insurance.

Everything I do is allowed under my disability benefits and I am very lucky to have money from a trust fund otherwise I wouldn't be able to afford organic diet, therapists for pay or alternative treatments either as I haven't worked in 7 years. It is so sad that the people who are the sickest and can't work or get full relief from our health care system which is free for most things, have little choice on the type of care they will receive.

I know disability and our health care does sometimes send people to the united states for help. But I find a lot of people who I talk to from all over the world either have huge waits for free service or huge fees for quick service and both sometimes send you home from the hospital waaaay to soon which sometimes makes health issues x1o larger then they were...it's maddening!

So, back to homeopathy and the You-Tube video I was just watching...I was intrigued by a homeopath called, Dr. Werner who mentioned how exciting it was to give this one client of hers a remedy for his knee issue. This remedy fixed the problem.

Dr. Werner then went on to explain that if you are treating someone for mental health issues you have to give them a higher frequency of remedy. Frequency being energy. Kinda weird I know. My homeopath, Terrance uses a machine kind of like a scale and the remedy can get very powerful. The calming remedy he made for me took me from anger and hysterical tears to knocked out and mellow after one dose, phew...

So I guess this validates the theory that mental health issues are much harder to treat. All my physical complaints cleared up in 2-3 months yet I have been seeing my homeopath, Terrance for 11 months now.

Anyway, this is great news for me though because I will wait and continue treatment. I just love it when I learn about homeopathy and am chatting with my homeopath. It is exciting!

So Far So Good....Um, Taters, What Are You Up Too???

So, today is day 1 of 2 off my calming miracle remedy....I will start taking it again after my body has had a 2 day rest. Then I will see if it's gonna work for me like it use to and not do the opposite i.e. let me go into a rage as it did yesterday.

I am trying to control my anger with this remedy, yes, but homeopathy is also able to somehow get to the underlying issues of why I have have been sick and in this case so angry all of my life.

Yesterday I was angry on the remedy which may be a part of the homeopathy that actually does bring the illness/ pain/ allergy out before it actually gets a chance to have healed your body so that you no longer need that remedy. Remedies usually take 2 to 3 months to affect a cure and for me I've only been on the remedy for a month and a half so far. So my homeopath Terrance, has instructed me to lesson the dosage. Hopefully this will be OK for me too...

I was able to get a good night sleep last night without taking the remedy. Yaaaay. This was something I worried about - my past bouts of insomnia. I did wake up a couple of times but I fell asleep again so no biggie...

My mood has been calm and cheerful for the most part even though I do still feel depressed. Kind of an oxy moron I guess but I am depressed a lot so isn't it wonderful that I can be cheerful and depressed too :-P?

Today I have been amusing myself making desserts of chocolate and having baked apple, yummmm! Kerri and I have been watching moovies on TV...

I managed to walk in on a new amusing cat pose. It's not what it looks like peeps. They are both neutered/ spayed.

Tate, on top, is bigger then Speckle so it looks like he is a bit dominant but really Speckle knows how to tell Tate off and they just seemed to be hanging out like this for a bit. Tate was actually washing Speckles head at times.

A few minutes after I came into the room Speckle gave Tate 'the word' and they parted...

Revenge Of The Miracle Remedy...Perhaps?

So I woke up angry today when I realized that I forgot to hand in my insurance papers for this months meds to get free coverage. I took my calming remedy, Valerian, lavender oil and relaxation tea. I was still raging mad.

Kerri had driven me to the superstore last evening so I could have handed them in to my pharmacist but I forgot. I am good at writing notes to myself and had done so. I taped the note to my fanny pack but it had fallen off.

I get so frustrated that I continuously have to depend on Kerri to do everything that requires leaving the house. I was perhaps feeling intense fear that of course I would never get the papers in by the time I need my meds delivered again in a week and a half. I can't give the papers to the delivery guy. So, I got mad and lost my temper like it was Kerri's fault or something and she didn't even see this coming....

Fortunately I was able to apologize soon after and Kerri was accepting enough to be sweet to me and we cuddled. I told her maybe I should lay off the homeopathic remedy for a couple of days because I took it this am and it had the opposite affect on me then what it was suppose too.

This is the first time in the month and a half I have been taking it that the remedy has not helped me! Usually by the 40 minute mark after I ingest this remedy, I am able to calmly say what is upsetting me...My homeopath, Terrance, warned me this may happen and advised me that if it does the opposite of what it's suppose to, I am to stop the remedy for 2 days or so and then resume...Um...I hope I can do this as I rely on this remedy as a sleeping pill but I will try :-).

I also feel that my agoraphobia is a nuisance. I don't know how to just get out and do stuff anymore...Kerri said she would take me out driving so that I might get back into the swing of things. I told her this is what I want but my anxiety and depression is really severe still. I know that the lithium I take creates confusion and spaciness inside my head which is something I think is unsafe for driving if I am having other issues...

I so still want to live with Kerri. I love her so much it makes me want to cry. I know I can heal but I don't know when I will get better. I need to work on self-care though. I do nothing. I cuddle with Kerri. I sit in front of the electric heater Kerri has provided for me. I don't do much else though although I do follow positive role models on twitter and I find this amusing, lol.

For All Our Pain There Is Always Someone Who Has It Worse....

I have to say that the nighttime is the worst for me sadness-wise. For the past couple of days since hearing about the fatal fire at my old group home I have been crying. I cry at night when it is dark and quiet, nothing to distract me, nowhere to hide from the pain...

I feel guilty about feeling this overwhelmed by something I am not directly involved in. Then I am watching Oprah today and see a woman (Charla) who is now disfigured and scarred after an attack by a 200lb pet chimpanzee. I look at Charla and hear her talking about healing and I wonder why I can't feel that inspiration. I have everything to live for. Why am I so sad and not interested in feeling my feelings?

I think we are given what we can handle. I feel I can handle this depression. I am in treatment for it through my homeopath. Homeopathy has already cured me of my seasonal allergies, chronic back pain and my knee issues.

People are concerned about me but I'm not really. I was telling Kerri the other day that I have only been taking this calming remedy for a month and a half. It's definitely helping to calm me down but I still feel so depressed. I know that homeopathy usually takes 2 - 3 months to resolve an issue. I have hope. I just need to rest now. I am like an animal in hibernation or something, lol.

Now back to Oprah. The women Oprah had on her show today is named Charla. Charla was always scared of this chimp who was trying to literally eat her alive before he was shot to death by police. Charla was so kindly agreed to take care this chimp from time to time, who was a family pet owned by her boss.

Here is a video clip of the interview: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eMT-5ygCxaM. The moral Charla wants us all to remember is that wild animals are wild for a reason and are not safe to have as pets. She also wants us not to be troubled by her disfigured face. She feels like the same woman as she was before the attack. She looked like you and me.

If she can have hope then so can we all, no?

Time Does Heal Although Situations Ever Change Us

Okay, so the fire 2 evenings ago at my old group home is now hitting me a bit. The tears are starting to flow. The sadness feels deeper and more painful.

I feel sad that the staff, who were always there to help me out are likely not going to want to talk to me for some time. They must be so busy with mess they are now dealing with. I miss the staff.

Last week Tori and Kate, who offer phone support and advocate for my care were ready to have a chat with my case-manager, Jenn. Now I feel like I should just leave them all alone and not use my old group home as my personal distress-line. Past clients are more then welcome to call as needed and the staff are like friends to me at times. Most of them at still the same as when I lived there.

I keep thinking I just want to call them up and debrief or something. They always help me through tough times. I know that this could have happened when I was living there. I never had apartment insurance. I could have lost everything! The structural damage for this fire is estimated at $150 000 and the content damage was $50 000. This of a fire contained in one room! Of course there was water damage and smoke damage likely....

Anyone who wishes to donate can email this address:
www.ottawa.anglican.ca.

I have even been thinking how could the residents and staff watch the resident that died suffer. She must have suffered something horrible! The resident who died had 2nd and 3rd degree burns before being brought to the hospital where she died a few hours later.

How would I have handled this? How are the the residents now? Are they as torn up as I am? They must be feeling this sooo much worse! I sit here knowing that I could have been one of the residents still living there. I never planned on leaving that group home. I loved it there. I was supported by the staff. We were free to come and go as we pleased. It was a home and a lovely one at that.

Last week my outreach worker e-mailed me to invite me to 'spa day' at the group home. It was suppose to be happening in a few days. I don't know if they would even attempt it now although now is when the residents would most need it. There were all sorts of activities for the residents like that...I always politely decline invitations due to my social anxiety and now that I am in the country and transportation is an issue. It is so nice that they even invite past residents though.....

I keep thinking I should send Kate and Tori an e-mail. But what would I say? I could ask them how they are doing. Should I say I am torn up about this? No, then they would feel like they needed to help me....I will be OK...I am just going through the stages of grief over what could have been. I do that!

What I do know is I am obsessing and that I am waaaay to sensitive! I am suppose to have a counselling session today with Hayley over the phone. She was sick yesterday so I am not sure about that. I do know that what I am feeling is normal and that like everything I will get better day by day.

Things will be OK! Time does heal although situations ever change us don't they?

Communication Is The Staple In Any Good, Solid Relationship!

I feel a lot more positive about things today, yay!

I am still crying though from time to time, but it's a good thing. I had been carrying a lot of anxiety and hurt around with me for a very long time....

I feel I have been going though a whole rejection theme.

On Friday my case-manager Jenn's boss, Mary, didn't show up for our support appointment. Mary instead scheduled a meeting between her and her boss during our time-slot. The week before Mary didn't show up either.

Mary promises she will come this Friday. She gets how much I need people to keep their word and how important support appointments are to me. Friday was a misunderstanding in her mind and the week before she was alone in the office so I have hope that this week she will come.

Mary doesn't even have to make appointments with me but does so because she wants too. She knows I enjoy our in-person appointments. In addition she gives phone support as needed and answers any e-mails if stuff comes up and I don't want to bother her on the phone.

So, that's what 'the crash' was all about: feeling rejection from Mary. It happened at the wrong time of the month and also during a difficult detox off of an event that troubled me in my past. Yes peeps - you can be detoxed off of anything. Even tattoo's, lol...

I was able to have a 1/2 hour phone session with Mary Friday, during which I was curled up on my carpeted floor in front of my electric heater (for comfort) and bawling. I was sooo hurt that Mary didn't come for our session that my tummy hurt...

In addition to all the rejection around the missed appointment I felt I was not wanted in my own home. Kerri and her daughter, Hope, over heard me on the phone with Daria, a long time friend last evening and this was a pivotal moment. I actually finally talked to my family, Hope and Kerri, and got to say how I felt for real. I found out that they were not rejecting me. I found out that I am wanted in my home. This is great news!

So now, at home, I think we have a much better understanding about things. No great and wonderful answers but tips for communication so we don't send mixed messages and hurt each other.

Communication is hard. I just told Kerri to tell me how she feels if she seems distant or upset. This, so I don't blame myself for something that isn't mine to blame. This so that I can help instead of hurt....awww...

Kerri and I are opposites in everything and so often we don't know how to deal with each other. But this is normal. Relationships of any kind are hard hard work! I feel much more positive about things now.

Why am I still sad? I am growing....

The Paradoxical Detox

I am in a really baaaad depression. Crying and staying in bed has become my norm for the past couple of days. Insomnia is baaaad too.

I just wrote about 5 pages in my diary. I rarely use my diary. I just needed an outlook that I didn't necessarily want to share with anyone.

I think I'm coming out of the deep depression slowly though because here I am blogging again. I have to say those past couple of days I wasn't blogging, my head and heart seemed to go dead. I snapped internally. I went inside myself losing interest most things including food. Had no energy to sit up like this and write. I have a desk-top computer so I literally have to sit up! I didn't want to feel because I was in such deep pain.

Perhaps this pain stems from the latest detox that my homeopath, Terrance, gave me do take for the last 3 evenings (starting the night before I crashed). Terrance was detoxing me off a very emotional event during a mania 6 years ago. I'm not even sure if this is why I crashed because all the pain that came out was the opposite of what I felt at the time. But this has happened in detoxes before.

For so many hours I laid thinking 'Why am I doing this?' Why don't I quit the blood type diet, at least. I'm not feeling any better...I know I'm stubborn but....

There was an event that led me to the ultimate crash, but I don't really feel like going into that. It's just that so many things have been stressing me lately. Five pages worth!

I'm also really getting fed up that I am not able to get out and food shop for myself. I'm not driving like this though. Kerri got me a few things but she is getting tired of helping me all the time when I am too sick to come with her.

I guess I've been done fighting for awhile now. Ever since the calming remedy I have let my anger go inside myself and Kerri even said I was doing much better. Shockingly better, lol. I'm not saying I don't still say the odd snide remark or get angry. It's just that I don't bother fighting so hard anymore to make every thing my way. In the end I feel a lot of sadness because I do want some control over my life but it seems that I'm not at a place yet where I am able to honestly take care of me. This makes me sad and so I feel pain. I feel sooo much sorrow.

Having others take care of me is the last thing I wanted and yet it's the only thing I have ever known in my life....

I Think 'The Meeting' Was A Success! Yaaaay!

Today's meeting with the pre-shrink nurse, Chelsea, went good. I was accompanied to the appointment by my case-manager, Jenn. Jenn's being there with me helped a great deal!

I still have my appointment to see Dr. Bangs, the resident psychiatrist, at my family docs office on December 2nd. Dr. Bangs is a short term psychiatrist, I think, but this is fine. The shorter the shrink time the quicker I heal, hehe....kidding! But I do hope that my homeopathic treatment will continue to heal me and I have told Chelsea I am not looking for new meds. Maybe a new night prn but that's it for now...

At today's meeting, I was able to vent my frustration at not getting medical intervention from a doctor in 3 1/2 years. I had been asking repeatedly over the years before last December starting Homeopathy.

I was able to voice my frustration in getting medications prescribed to me that had known interactions with other medications that I was taking. Doctor's not knowing about med interactions is not that uncommon either. Usually pharmacist pick up on this kind of thing too but not in my case...

I may take part in an 8 week anxiety group in the spring or summer. My case-manager Jenn said it is best to go to the group when there is no snow about due to the difficulty driving, parking and all that....Waiting is fine with me. More time to heal :-D.

I had to laugh when Chelsea asked me if I lived at home. That was her first question of me. I mean, what kind of question is that? I suppose she meant do you live with your parents. Jenn was trying not to laugh out loud also, but she was not overly successful at that. I didn't help that I pointed this out to Jenn :-0.

I was pretty wired at the meeting. I wondered if I seemed depressed at all. I explained to Chelsea that I haven't wanted to leave the house in over a month; that I'm depressed, and that all I do is watch Television all day. I was thinking though 'Why am I feeling so happy now?' and I was wondering if I was getting hypomanic again.

I guess I was just nervous. So, all in all it was a good meeting. Chelsea was sweet and totally open to me seeing a homeopath and taking remedies :-D.

Maybe I Should Care....

Today I have been feeling drugged up and drowsy. This happened even without taking my second dose of calming remedy during the day but I feel it's still the remedy at work.

I had a phone session with my therapist Haley this afternoon. Haley says I am just covering up for the pain I feel inside by accepting this feeling of numbness. Haley says I should be worrying that there is something 'wrong' with me. She says I should at least care because I use to care about things and this is not me!

So, upon pondering about what Haley has been telling me, I do feel that I am having a hard time living with Kerri and her daughter. I have social anxiety and I hide in my room a lot. I do try to come out but my anxiety rises and I feel awkward and uncomfortable. I have pretty much given up my yoga and other forms of self care that I use to thrive on.

I don't know how to act around Kerri's daughter Hope so I don't say much. I feel like I am inferring when I am home with Kerri and Hope. I feel like maybe I just get in the way sometimes. I certainly am of no use to Hope being unable to drive her places. We all eat different diets, Kerri, Hope and I so I don't cook for Hope and rarely for Kerri...

I could have called my homeopath, Terrance, for an appointment before our monthly appointment this Thursday. But I welcome this tired, drugged up feeling because it's true I don't know how else to cope with stress at this time.

So maybe on Thursday I will get another remedy, maybe not quite as strong, that will help me and perk me back into reality. I do want to get out and get back to my volunteer jobs and do my own food shopping. I want also to be calm and mellow though. Are both possible?

I Can Empathize With The Character's On 'Mystery Diagnosis'

Have you ever seen the TV show Mystery Diagnosis?

I can really empathize with the real life characters on this show. These characters have spend years going from doctor to doctor and from treatment to treatment looking for an answer as to why they are sick. In the end they get a diagnosis but only after getting told by multiple doctors that there is nothing wrong with them when there obviously is something very wrong!

This show brings me back to my own situation and the memories of how I was turned away so many times from doctors when I was legitimately ill. I would be having issues with my hydrocephalus or my bipolar and no doctor saw anything wrong. Sometimes there was no test that would show anything so the doctors would blame my symptoms on my BPD or stress when that was not always the case...

I can't tell you how many times people have told me over the years 'it's all in your head'. A lot of good that all did me!!!! I did learn positive affirmations, yoga, breathing exercises, safe touch etc but in the end I never really got to the underlying issue as I have been continuing to get sicker and sicker.

Today I take good care of myself but am still crippled by anxiety and depression. I have learned to just deal with the feelings that come up and not punish myself for how I'm feeling. I do some soothing work but mostly just rest and distract....wait. I'm waiting to able to get my life kick-started into gear...I'm waiting for the numbness to wear off (but happy I can now control the anger with my homepath's medicine) and for confidence and excitement to come creeping back for for things that require me to leave the house.

I wonder why have I just been sitting at home for the past month. I'm not fighting. I just wonder sometimes if I will have the answers or the 'cure' to get my life back together like the real life characters in Mystery Diagnosis. For these people on the show they had to go through soooo much pain and frustration. Watching this show helps me to not feel so alone anymore as I sit on the sofa and watch more television and watch my life go by....

Achoooo! Or Not....

I believe it did it!

I out witted the lasted cold floating around the house. This is the 3rd since July! I have been taking 2000 mg of vitamin C for a few days now.

I happened to read off of my homeopath Terrance's blog about the vitamin C thingy. I really thought too much vitamin C wasn't a good thing but it seems to help on an as needed basis ie. at the onset of symptoms or after you know you have been close to a person with a cold. Talk to your doc if you have any concerns of course...

This cold was a pretty bad one. I feel like we should be naming our household colds like we do hurricanes. They cause quite a mess sometimes and we are having so many ;-)...

Hope has been home from school for a couple days. When we had our 2 other cold 'infestations', we all got infected but were able to walk around and function. Kerri seems to have the best immune system in the house. She didn't get a trace of the bug this round and was does not take supplements (although she just coughed a few times...oh no :-o!).

Terrance's blog says that a cold can occasionally be translated as unexplained grief. 'Occasionally' they say, hmmm...well I have had grief my whole life seems like with my lifetime history of depression. My immune system is generally much stronger though so maybe stuff is coming out homeopathically? Who knows?????

I didn't usually catch my mom's colds when I lived with my folks because she would walk around with a mouth and nose mask on like one on I am wearing in the pic on the left.

I'm sure I get snickers or rolled eyes when I mention this idea to Kerri but it works! It's a good idea to throw out the mask and get a new one each day (and if you need to take off the mast and blow your nose, wash your hands immediately before you touch anything!). Otherwise the mask can get moist and the germs may go though the barrier.

I heard germs infect you the most when touching your nose.

Kerri tells me we should always wash our hands first thing when we come in from being anywhere in public. I have to admit I don't do this but it is a good idea.

Carrying around hand sanitizer with you works too! I use to feel less worried taking the bus when I was in the city because if someone so much as sneezed or coughed I would use it and oh the power that gave me! And I didn't get sick :-D. If you want to be really cautious you could use hand sanitizer each time you get off the bus. I did not do that.

They make hand sanitizers so small now you can put them discreetly in your pocket or purse. They last a long time too as you only need the smallest dab on your hands and the liquid sanitizer spreads out evenly...

You can pick up masks or hand sanitizers at the drugstore. Not sure if they all sell stuff like that but, ya know...