Cats, Bugs And The Usual Worries...

I can't stop this panicky feeling...I have to remember to breeeeeathe...If I stand still I feel my body trembling. If I sit still I want to freeze and stare off into space. Why? I was nervous over car expenses early this morning...try 7am! But the issue has long since been resolved. There is always something to be worried about. There always seems to be something to be disappointed about also. Like the fact that I got all dressed and ready to go to my volunteer job and exercise class today. I ended up crying in Kerri's arms instead because of my anxiety. When I called in sick to my volunteer job I also asked if they would be a reference for me for the disability work program. They said yes but I haven't been reliable or dependable for 2 of the past 5 years I have been with them. I so hoped that somehow I would be able to fight this depression/ anxiety. But it seems stronger then me still...

Someday I WILL get over this. I was feeling hopeful because I had back pain on the right side of my body (I know an odd thing to be hopeful about). It was bothering my lower back for an hour and then it moved up the my middle back for another hour. I am hoping that this is the remedy my Homeopath Terrance gave me 2 weeks back finally working it's way out of my body (since it's only affecting my right side - the side of the affected knee)...Homeopathy brings stuff out. Thats how you get healed. It usually started working in like 13-15 days (no one told my anxiety that yet)!

Here is some more pics I have just taken today....Kerri found the Daddy Long Legs to the right. His legs are HUGE! We do seem to have more interesting bugs here in the country.

Here is Tate. It's a beautiful day and he is just sunning himself....

And here is Speckle's friend. She hangs out at our house quiet a bit and Kerri thinks she lives at the nearby barn (across at 60 km speed - 2 way road)...

Thoughts In My Head....

Thoughts in my head:

"I'm sooo tired. I think I'll stay in bed; go back to bed; nap; zzzz."

"Should I drink coffee? It didn't do anything yesterday but agitate me...hum...I was agitated yesterday to begin with. Hmm....but I raged at Kerri yesterday too,
then I crashed. I cried and cried after in guilt. Coffee is bad for me. Kerri read that coffee and lithium can interact. Hmmm but it's not always bad for me."

"I don't care. I want to stay all day in my pj's, AGAIN. Maybe I'll spend the next week in pj's...humm...I have stuff to do! Who cares? Should I tell my family doc I'll see that shrink? I would love some meds...hum they can't give me anything for depression and I am sooo depressed. Can they give me something non addictive for anxiety? Hmmm. Is this homeopathy Quackery? I don't feel much better. Well it's suppose to take a year - grrr. Really? I don't believe I will ever feel better...I have hope but is hope genuine...meh!"

It's been rough. Kerri is good to help me out. I feel discouraged because I had hoped to be healed much more by now from the Homeopathy. All I want to do now is stay home; sleep and watch TV...I'm tired - sooo tired...

This is the face of depression as I know it!!! :-(.


I still come to life when I see a great picture though! Here is a new bed Speckle has chosen for herself. It is actually the sheet that is the door of my closet...sometimes the cats all play with the hanging beads too - can you blame them?

Henna Me Red!!

It's raining out and the annual picnic for the organization for people with disabilities that Kerri(y)'s and I were suppose to go to is NOT cancelled! It's been raining since 4am though so we are not going. It rained on the picnic date last year too and they did cancel it, but whatever! It's suppose to rain all day with 18 C for the high. I don't know if many people will agree to that!

Kerri and I were suppose to go out regardless and meet up with Kerry but I was in tears this am telling Kerri I needed a day of rest; cuddling; yoga and massage. Stuff to take down my severe anxiety. I did write a letter to myself as a five year old this morning. I guess I feel I should nurture myself more and not go-go-go as is my pattern. Why? This pattern is not good for me until I can get a handle of my anxiety. I hope I can get healed from my anxiety sooner then later. I end up cancelling so many things and this is a disappointment to me. I don't feel I have any choice in the matter at this point.

As a student in high school and first year University, I never missed school due to anxiety or depression. I had the drive to succeed! I wanted a great job; possibly a family with kids; a nice house (Kerri and I have a great rental home though) and lots of moola! Unfortunately I was burnt out at 20! I am so tired of this fight and push. I need to figure out how to live with myself and be happy - not grumpy. I need to be relaxed and not tense and fearful. I do hang on to hope though. I am sooo happy Kerri will be in it for the long haul for me. I do love her sooo much! I will be healed! I know I will!

Yesterday Kerri dyed my hair with Henna (it's all natural, of course). Here is a pic! I was hoping it was a going to be a bit brighter but it's kinda cool. It's not permanent or anything. I also had my hair cut yesterday at First Choice Hair cutters. They have the most reasonable rates I can find for females. No appointment needed and I usually don't have to wait. I had a wash and cut for $22 which included a $3 tip. I know people joke about this place but whatever, they do a good job on my hair if it's washed first. All in all it was a pretty productive day!

Too Bad 'Worry' Doesn't Look Good On A Resume!

It feels like winter already. Since Kerri is always hot and I cold, she had all the windows open this morning when I got up :-0! I had worn my warm winter jammies to bed but had to resort to slippers this morning because my feet were so cold. I also had Kerri reluctantly shut all the windows :-).

Next I was speed worrying about the letter I had to write to disability. Soon, I will sign the lease and have to send in my paperwork with the increase in rent (I have always been subsidized so now I need to upgrade to the maximum they will give me which about what you would pay for a rooming house). I was also worrying about updating my resume. I need to bring in my resume for next Thursday's employment support interview. I was actually crying and listing all my worries in rapid fire and begging Kerri to help me with the paper work. I do think it may be a miracle if I get a job and succeed. Please let them find me an at home job!!!!

I have since finished my paperwork. Thanks Kerri!!!! I did take my Valerian and Lavender Oil AFTER my whirlwind worry spree this morning. Kerri had been begging me to take it earlier but my mind was hyper focus on what needed to be done to stop the worrying...

I feel this will be a day of tightening muscles however I need to get stuff done! Isn't there always stuff to do though???? It's OK I guess...I just worry (too bad that doesn't look good on a resume)!!!

My 'Daughter' Does Not Climb Rooftops!!!

Today I have been trying to resurrect myself...I have been so burnt out lately I have resorted to staying on the property I share with Kerri and her daughter Hope for almost a week and yes I did have stuff I was suppose to do! Kerri was helping me with shopping though and I was working in the garden doing some power-weeding as there is/ was a jungle of weeks everywhere!!!


My morning started out with Kerri madly running into my bedroom saying 'Your cat is crazy! You won't believe what she was doing!!!'

I hadn't a clue, but she showed me the pics...I had seen other cats on rooftops but thought that my 'daughter' would never do a thing like that!!!!



Here on the left is how she got onto the roof. She took that barely visible branch that led her right to the second story of our split-level home.

Tate was evening trying to follow Speckle up the tree, oooops! Today is only his third day as an outdoor cat. He is nine months old!

Well today I have challenged myself to get back into driving take the 25 minute drive with Kerri to go shopping and grab some more stuff. I will probably get gas too although this scears me too since you have to do it yourself!

I really need to get into more regular self care. Today I had a coconut bubble bath and did yoga via DVD. It's a start...

Loving Weeding!!!

For the first time this summer I have started weeding at Kerri's. She was helping some too!

I love weeding, aside from the odd thorn bite! Thorns go right through the garden gloves too, ick! But this Caterpillar in the pic I think is very cute. I have never seen a caterpillar like this before...it's fluff is huge! Other then the caterpillar we saw a dragon fly, a couple of ants and earwigs and I saw a baby earth worm...sort of typical although in the city I didn't see many dragonfly's...

Kerri and I had a rough evening/night/ morning. I have been isolating and refusing to do anything outside our property for the past few days. It's the depression/anxiety. Kerri was trying to get me to drive yesterday and I couldn't do it. That turned into a big fight and we both closed down in our own ways. Now I'm just like "I don't care." Kerri has agreed to do some of my shopping and I agreed to do some power weeding. It works. Kerri helped out with some of the weeding too. She really does a lot for me and her daughter. I wish I could do more to help out. I guess too I'm fearful that since I haven't signed a lease yet she will decide she can't take having me here. I still hold on to the hope that I will continue to heal through Homeopathy. I can't say that the blood type diet has done much for me. It gave me cramps the whole last month. I never got cramps before. Things are shifting? That's what my homeopath Terrance says. I am still faithful to the diet. I'm quite stubborn so hopefully it will pay off and I will be healed in time. At least I would love to have a job and support myself one day. I would love to sleep good at night and not be so tired during the day. I would love not to have to have so many self imposed rules that I need to follow. Sounds like I need self confidence!!! Aha!

I did tell Kerri this am (as we were both in tears trying to figure out how to help each other) that us being so opposite in ways of coping may be a good thing. We fit together like two pieces of a jigsaw puzzle. We need each other...When Kerri gets upset she likes to get busy. Driving and food shopping etc is not a problem for her because to her that is high on her list of priorities. For me I like to do solidarity things and stay near home. Doing household chores such as weeding is actually addicting for me. It's like a game. I must kill that week!!!! Then I find more and more and I could probably do it for hours but I was getting hungry for lunch and thinking I should put on sunblock and a hat. I had been out an hour this morning but the temperature was 20 C so not so bad...I really do have to watch my skin in the sun as my dad died of melanoma skin cancer and it's hereditary...I was so into it though!!!

I LOVE WEEDING!!! Next year Kerri and I are planning on growing an organic garden. She knows all about gardening with mulch and using chicken wire to keep unwanted predators to eat our fresh veggies....I have so much to hope for the future! So why am I so sad and stressed????

Soothing Work....

I feel much better today. I have to blame my recent irritability and extreme anxiety on the new remedies that I was given last week from my Homeopath, Terrance. They seem to bring stuff out!!! They are suppose to though but it's hard during that detox period. I have been bitchy towards Kerri but she is so loving and understanding. I love her! I want to make it up to her by getting well soon!

I am regimented in ways i.e. wanting things a certain way. That's the OCD in me. I am working hard to be more flexible and relaxed but I also know that no matter what type of treatment I involve myself in, I will always have a bit of neurosis in me (me thinks). Kerri is the laid back partner in our relationship though and this helps me to calm down. I see that same dynamic in other relationships too and I even had the audacity of saying to Terrance 'You are so laid back, I bet your wife (also a homeopath) is the wiry one.' He said 'That is correct.' He said it just like that too straight face and serious as he was preparing my newest remedies. I am not afraid to ask questions, lol.

Something my therapist Haley taught me yesterday was an inner child exercise. For the next week or long, how ever long it takes I am to visualize myself as a five year old and hold her hand and let her follow me around. I am to comfort her and nurture her. I am to do this as long as it takes until that little girl inside me stops throwing temper tantrums...I am told this might take up to 6 weeks.

I do believe in the concept of inner child work. I use to be a cutter. I was in DBT for 2 1/2 years and I was still cutting at the end of it. Less so but still associating pain with self punishment. Then my next therapist, Ann, taught me how to love myself though self touch and loving affirmations. I remember saying affirmations such as I am better and better able to be kind and gentle towards myself and I can let myself feel comfort and calm. I have to say that after about 6 months of saying the affirmations usually when I was out and about; volunteering, or on the bus, I got extremely upset one day at home. I was all ready to cut my wrist but with those calming words programmed into my head I stopped myself. I thought how illogical it is to want to hurt myself when I am already hurting. If I am hurting I need to continue to soothe myself....and I don't think I've cut sense. I think that was about 2 years ago...

Focusing On Priorities...

I wanted to go out jogging this morning. Just a 20 minute job. I haven't been out jogging in about a year, me thinks. Because of my sprained knee (I think it's been sprained for for 2 months and 1 week now) I opted not to jog even if ordinarily it would have felt refreshing and freeing to jog in the morning when the smell of dew was still about. I do love mornings....

So I didn't go jogging, instead, I crawled into bed with Kerri and cried. I cried about my money worries and tried to think of ways to make changes. I didn't come up with anything for now but hopefully it will come. I'm OK for now anyways but it has been my life-long fear that I will run out of money. I'm not even sure I will be able to go to my volunteer job or exercise class today. My anxiety is very high. I need to think of priorities. Kerri will take me out food shopping and to my therapist appointment if I need help with that...

I think I'm getting burnt out. I have just been lying around too much lately. I need to get stuff out but also focus on my priorities....

A Month And A Half Late????....hmmm

My Corbeil small freezer came today. At the time my folks and I bought it Corbeil said it would be ordered and come in in 2 weeks. It actually came a month and a half later. Argh! I make my own food and everything I make is by scratch so I end up freezing a lot. I like a variety of different recipes but I haven't been having much of a variety with sharing a fridge freezer with Kerri and Hope. Kerri was accommodating enough to give me the bigger shelf of the fridge freezer though so it wasn't too bad. We were all surprised to have to wait so long after the expected arrival date! When a store says something will be in on a specific date and its late by a month that sounds like a lot! Anyway, I have it and it now and it seems to be working. I have decorated it with magnets as you can see...Everything on the top is a magnet too, hehe.

I was hoping to feel more lively today. I took my zyprexa to get over the sleep deprivation but I could barely get up this morning. Kerry made my breakfast and then I went back to bed. I couldn't talk much but mumbled a bit. It is discouraging that I get so exhausted like this. I figure it's part depression/ anxiety and part the medicated feeling that zyprexa gives me sometimes. I hope I am back on track tomorrow. I really need to go shopping. Kerri was sweet enough to offer to go for me today but I want her to rest also as she has been stressed lately too.

Something my therapist Haley has noticed from me is I am not complaining of having no time for things anymore as I was before I moved in here. It's true Kerri is teaching me that things can wait until the last minute. She can shop and help cook with me if I really need help. I also have her to snuggle with and that helps me to slow down and take breaks sometimes. I'm still adjusting to living with Kerri but I love her and I love being here...hopefully tomorrow will be a better day!

To Take Or Not Too Take My Sleep Aid...

I guess I should have taken my as needed zyprexa last night! I am exhausted after another poor sleep. I was tired at bedtime and didn't want to dope myself up further. Then I went to bed at 10:30pm. I fell asleep OK but kept waking up. I woke up for good at like 6am. I take zyprexa as a sleep aid as needed but the last 2 times I have gotten out of bed the next morning and had a panic attack. A psychopharmacologist who works as a consultant with Jenn, my case-manager says that lithium has been known to interact with zyprexa! Since I'm taking lithium each night that's probably why. Some days after I take zyprexa I feel fine, even calm and relaxed, so I don't know...All I know is I'm exhausted and feel depressed today. This seems to be the norm for the past while. All I want to do is stay in my pj's all day (I did that yesterday) and stay home...I'm thinking a home based job is the best strategy for me until I get well. I can work from home, me thinks! No leads yet though. That's kind of a relief in itself because I am sure working will bring on much more anxiety and can I handle that? Even just a few hours a week?


Last evening when I went to go downstairs in the split-level house that Kerri and I share with Kerri's daughter hope. I came across this interesting cat scene...and of course had to take a picture! It would have been much cooler if Speckle was also on the stairs...cats don't seem to worry about being stepped on, lol...

Yesterday evening Kerri showed me a picture of our new landlord. She is actually an amazingly talented artist! Here is the link to read up about Rosie Somerville and to see her art. She has oils, acrylics, and watercolours. She gives her e-mail if anyone is interested in purchasing her work. She's amazing...she is also an art teacher in Ottawa.

http://home.primus.ca/~rosy.somerville/Index.htm

I use to love art in school...now I don't have the patience for it but maybe some day things will shift for me!

Housing Issues, Ick!

It is discouraging that Disability insurance only gives it's clients enough to afford a rooming house. I have been on the waiting list for subsidized for 2 years now and the wait list is over 5 years long! I fight with Kerri about money because I know money is tight and disability expects me to pay for myself and half of Kerri's daughters rent. Kerri gets money for her daughter and works part-time with a decent wage. I suggested us moving into a 3 bedroom apartment but those are pricey too. There is a lot of stress and tension at this time. Even sleeping is an issue. The TV is blaring at the time I want to sleep and Kerri refuses to turn it down unless I get super agitated about it but then complains I bring up housing issues at bedtime when she is trying to rest for the night and I am overstimulated by the late night action in the house!!! I am so kind in the daytime because she sleeps in. I don't make much noise. I want her to sleep because I know how hard it is for me to sleep. Argh!!!

It's so hard living with someone. Now I have to make sure I am certain about signing a lease because it will be for a whole year and the landlords can take me to court if I move out and therefore obviously won't be able to afford it. The only reason the rent is going up in the first place is because I have moved in. Kerri is not even sure if she wants me here because I have to sleep in my separate room as she snores and I wake up for anything and nothing and she says we are more like roommates. This makes me cry because I love her but I know she is stressed and when she is feeling good she would never say this...

My case-manager Jenn said something a few months back when we were sorting the 'bedroom' issue and other stuff in the spring. She said we have to tolerate each others differences. This is want happens in a relationship. We will disagree. So right now I am feeling sad and stressed. I am sooo needing a job and the disability job search program seems like it will take forever....I can talk to my Outreach worker today. I do have supports that can help me though this...it's just sooo hard at the moment I want to cry as I love my honey Kerri but there is sooo much to think about!!!! Ick!!! OK I really want to show you some pictures from yesterday now and stop my rant because things are mostly good....

Here is a Great Blue Heron and some noisy Seagulls. Isn't The Heron a beauty? Kerri noticed him. She is great at spotting nature. I ran off to get a close up (I do run on my sprained knee if needed, lol).

Here's Kerri and I. I love the water behind us...so pretty. We were at the beach at Fitzroy Harbour with my mental health drop-in. It was raining some and too cold for me to swim...well, the air was cool but the water was soupy warm so some of the members were swimming. All in all everyone had a good time though!

In the evening I had to giggle a bit when I looked at how Kerri and I reuse bags. We hang it up like clothes on the line...hehe.

Bury Me In The Sand (And Take A Picture)!

I'm off with Kerri to Fitzroy Harbour Beach today. We will be meeting up with my mental health drop-in for a fun day, me hopes. It's suppose to rain though, ick! I hope there will be some sun though as the temperature is suppose to be 32 C with the humidex, so a nice day temperature wise. I don't know what if anything I will be able to do at the beach though. In the past I would have played Frisbee; that 'scoops' game; badminton or gone swimming but with my sprained knee I may have to just watch :-(. I suggested to Kerri she can bury me in the sand and take a picture, lol...

I did end up going out yesterday but just barely. I had taken my Valerian, Lavender Oil, and some Taco Calm tea. Those are all very mild things for relaxation so I had to take all 3 as I really did want to go out and especially make sure I sent a message to the staff at my volunteer job that I could make something of a commitment since I've told them I am attempting to start a work program and I am hoping they will be a reference for me. I got the papers from the Disability work program yesterday and filled them out. Those will be sent off today. The next step will be to attend an info session and I'm allowed to bring my case-manager Jenn so I will likely do that. Jenn says will a bit of notice that will be fine. I'm sure my nerves will be bad for that and for anything leading up to working. I haven't worked in 7 years!!!!

Something To Fight About...

I'm panicking again...I took my as needed zyprexa last night and this is what happens sometimes. I wake up having a panic attack or panicking and the day hasn't even begun. I don't know how to deal with sleep deprivation. That's why I took the zyprexa in the first place last evening. It usually knocks me right out! I surely don't want to call in sick to my volunteer job today but I get so exhausted after one of these episodes even after a good night sleep...

Kerri was mad with me all evening yesterday because she said I was yelling at her for not doing the laundry but I was only asking her to get her laundry together so I could do it for us and I had been for 2 days. I did get exasperated because she kept telling me she would do it 'later' and she never did until I did lost my temper a bit.

I feel the need for things to be done on certain days and to order my life so it makes sense. I also want to do laundry on my less busy days and I had shared with her that Sunday was the day I liked to do laundry. I did apologize because I don't stay angry long anymore. But it was too late she refused to talk to me and is still and is still not talking to me this morning. For someone like me who likes to talk things out I am holding onto anxiety over this, ick! I did call my support line last evening and am able to can call my Outreach worker Tori today if I can't volunteer due too fatigue and anxiety. Fortunately Kerri and I were able to come to a compromise last evening. Kerri suggested we do our own laundry from now on and I agreed. I have been doing my own laundry for years so I am hoping this will be one less thing to agitated me and to fight about....

Another issue though is Kerri's 16 year old daughter hope keeping me awake. Hope stays up until like 5 am some nights and has friends sleep over almost nightly becasue it's summer and she works evenings only. She is 16. I am afraid to say anything because I feel like it's great she has friends and I don't want her wishing I wasn't living here as this is her home more then mine. I am told this is normal behaviour but for a teenager anyway - the staying up late. It wasn't like they were really loud last night and I usually am not kept away by her as we are living in a nice sized house and Hope has a basement apartment (which has a vent in my bedroom). I did hear sound though and this was stimulating me and I was not able to sleep until midnight or later...then I woke up at like 6:30am and I need more sleep! I do need to drive to pick up my meds today...or I should although I leave a day window so I could pick them up tomorrow. Tomorrow though, I am wanting to go to Fitzroy harbour with my mental health drop-in though and so that doesn't leave much space to go to the other end of town where I still pick my meds (Kerri still hasn't heard from the landlord so I don't even know if I am for sure staying here at her place or if we are going to have to move or what is going on)...

"The Wooden Sky" Rocks Ottawa!!!

So I went to see The Wooden Sky last evening! I have pics to show (but of course!)...

Here I am on the left with Andrew the drummer. He is my cousin Jean's child. That's on my dad's side of the family. He is in his early 20s and quite good looking and sweet. No comment on if he is single or not, hehe. The Wooden Sky is on the road quite a bit anyways. I think they are usually touring in Canada but they are great so maybe they will go international some day, who knows... I don't know what to call the music but it's kind of folkish according to the Kerri(y)'s...you can check them out on myspace though :-).

Here is The Wooden Sky in action. Andrew is hiding in the back a bit but that's the plight of the drummer. He does sing sometimes though!

Check out the intensity of the faces of the band! You can totally tell they are feeling the vibe and in tune with their music!

I have to say my folks, the Kerri(y)'s and I were a bit shocked when we walked into the The Canteen. The Canteen a small art gallery in Ottawa's Market on Dalhousie Street which none of us had heard of before. There was no air conditioning and the high for the day had been 40 C so it was still quite sticky in the early evening as they packed 50 people in like sardines. There was also only 1 couch offered. I stood for the 1st hour but sat for the 2nd. I can stand even though I have a sprained knee (for the past almost 9 weeks!). I just have to compensate by leaning on my good leg for support...I guess what I'm saying here is that we were hoping; use to; or expecting to be sitting in an air conditioned venue...but I have to say we all enjoyed ourselves immensely.

For the last 2 songs the band took the show out back and played for the neighbours and even the neighbourhood cat came round...we were all wishing they had played the whole night outside as there was at least a nice breeze....

Here is one more picture of the Drummer for the Wooden Sky! Right on guys! Go to myspace for song clips and you can order by getting in touch with me or from their site. They are releasing a new CD in the next couple of weeks and have a fan page on Facebook....

Awake In The Night...

I'm awake!!!

Sleep is often an ordeal. I don't usually get as much as I need. I tend to fall asleep easily at my self appointed bedtime (usually 11pm) but then I wake up around 3am or 5am and like last night I had difficulty falling back to sleep. I think I was awake in the night 2 hours before I tried some lavender oil. I put some on my finger and sniffed it and it calmed me enough because I went to sleep almost instantly. Awww well, maybe some day I can be like the rest of the household and sleep in if I need to. Really I love the mornings...but you know...

Tonight I am going to see my second cousin Andrew (the drummer) play at the Canteen in Ottawa here. I have never been there but I think it's like a small Art cafe or something. It only fits 50 people so hopefully seats won't be an issue...I have heard the music to his band The Wooden Sky and I love it! Here is the link to their myspace page...

http://www.myspace.com/thewoodensky

Andrew is the guy on the far left...I haven't seen him in 2 years as he lives in Toronto and I'm not sure if he knows I am going...It will be fun, hehe...I'm going with the 2 Kerri(y)'s. Kerri my girlfriend and Kerry my volunteer advocate. My parents may go as well...

It's going to be a busy day for me with volunteering; going to exercises class (not much I can do with my knee issues though); shopping (produce, stamps, bus, tickets, vitamins); seeing my therapist, and seeing the band. I'm not use to all this excitement, lol, but I think I can handle it since I did fall back to sleep last night :-).

How Cats Amuse Me...

I am feeling much better today!

Today is another shopping day and I am a bit dreading it as Kerri, Hope and I are going to Costco. Costco is a huge warehouse type store with a lot of walking involved. My knee has been giving me problems for over 2 months now and I don't like walking far because it starts to ache. I have seen a doctor and a physiotherapist and they both can feel nothing wrong and say I must have sprained it (doing the half lotus pose in yoga). I do have a magnetic tensor but I try not to use it unless necessary. I have another doctor appointment to see if I need an x-ray on it on August 26th. I am hoping I don't need an x-ray and that I can get help though homeopathy although homeopathy is sooo slow....but it can help. My homeopathy is cool with me having the x-ray since this has been going on for so long and he wasn't really aware of the gravity of the situation. I will get new homeopathic remedies in 2 days to treat it though so maybe, just maybe, I won't need that x-ray. If I get the x-ray I will need to be detoxed off of it though and that means I may get huge anger or feel stoned...it's very weird and I'm quiet sensitive but then I am trying to heal my life with alternative methods so let's see what happens....

Kerri and I had a bit of a fright last evening as this skunk smell wafted into our house even though the windows and doors were all shut. My cat Speckle was out and we were worried that she got sprayed!!!! Fortunately Speckle came in a few hours later unscathed, phew! She knows better then to mess with a skunk!

And finally I do want to show you how cats amuse me. Last evening Tate was helping Kerri make the bed...See how he is intensely looking at the moving sheet...too funny!

Here is Tate with his claws in the sheet...if you pull the sheet he will drag along with it! Tate is 9 months old...he's a cutie if you like cats!

Motivated But Chicken....

I have no energy today. I have had no energy for the past 5 days! Well, you know, not enough to count for much...I have been feeling like I don't want to move. I do want to be on-line or watch TV...but I am not feeling like doing much else. It doesn't help today that it's 36 C with the humidex (my folks had their A/C turned off this summer because of construction on there house, poor them!). We have A/C but going out food shopping Kerri and I sure didn't want to stay out long....

I let Kerri drive us to the grocery store I am too exhausted for needless driving. I suppose I will also let Kerri drive Hope and Melodie to work today. I did want to drive them and I do like to drive to help Kerri out. I don't know what's up with me though.

I drink coffee to perk myself. Not a whole cup. Sometimes not even a half. I sure don't want to become physically addicted. My step dad Jim stopped drinking coffee overnight years back and suffered from withdrawal head aches. Coffee is sooo not not 'allowed' on my O blood type diet anyway. But that's my only vice and I don't drink if everyday but I have for the past 3 days at least. I follow my 'diet' perfectly otherwise pretty much although may still take in too many grains and nuts though, according to the O Blood Type Supplementation Guide book, but I gotta eat something!!!!

I was both excited and horrified to realize that I was overspending by $10 buying dates at the health food store. The Great Canadian Superstore has a much better deal. Hopefully that will bring my expenses down some...I've been to afraid to budget except for watching how much I have been spending on food the last 3 months and figuring out some extra stuff I spend. I so want a job or money so that I can have more freedom and not have to much off my parents for car fees etc...I hope I can do it!

I wonder with my moods/ energy level if I should wait and go the employment interview for the work program with my worker so that I can start REALLY slow and not chicken out like I fear I will. I do know you have to be tested to see if you are 'employable!!!' Eek!!!

Cats Like Getting Under Things/ People...

I feel like I'm coming down with a cold.

My girlfriend Kerri's daughter Hope's friend Melodie (well I gotta explain if you don't know all these peeps, lol) had a cold and has been sleeping over a few times this week. Ick! Hope got the cold and probably passed it on to me (although she was sniffing and blowing her nose and I'm not doing any of that, yet). We were all watching TV the other day when I was in and out of sleep...For me I feel mostly tired. Nevertheless, I did a yoga DVD this am. I have displayed a pic.

I should have called Kerri to take a pic of Tate the cat as he was under my legs when I was doing the half bridge pose, lol...

Here is the half bridge pose so you can kinda visualize the scene....Cats are like that though. They like to get under things/ people or over things/ people...

Kerri is so funny...check this pic of Tate out!! Tate loves to play and play. So Kerri decided to tie the cat's leather string around Taters so that he could run around and amuse himself, hehe. After about 15 minutes even Tate was tired of this new toy idea so Kerri removed the string...but ya know...

Ooops!!! Prices Vary...

This morning Kerri asked me what was wrong as I came in to her room to say good morning and give her a kiss. I started to cry. I was so tense and worried about moving again. It's now evening and still we have not heard the final word from her landlord to see if they are raising the rent and if so by how much. I do hope we can stay. I can't deal with another move (I still have some of my stuff at my folks place do not entirely moved here yet either)!.

I don't know what was up with me yesterday. I think I was super over tired. I was in and out of sleep all day. I laid on the sofa in the living room with Kerri and her daughter Hope. They were watching TV and I dozed. I guess I needed it. Still today I have been feeling fatigued. I drank a half cup of coffee because I had stuff to do. I think it made my anxiety a bit worse though. Whatcha gonna do though?

Kerri and I did get some food shopping done. I was horrified to find out that Rainbow Food's Organic Greens Powder is $7 dollars more expensive then the Natural Food Pantry's. I didn't know prices could vary that much!!! I actually forgot to inquire about the price and only noticed it on the bill after. Well ya, I brought it back and asked for a refund. I never do that sort of thing but I can't play with my money. I'm spending more then I'm taking in as it is and I want to be with Kerri although my folks say I'm always welcome to move back home...

I haven't heard back from 2 places I called for disability work programs. Kerri says it's summer so give them 2 weeks. I suppose I can do that. Also I don't even know if I'm actually ready or if someone has an at home work program that I can do. That would be sweet if it's not to many hours. I want to start slow like no more then 6 hours. That possible? That's what I do now as my volunteer hours. I will give them up when I get paid work. My volunteer folks do know of my intentions. It's scary as I haven't worked for pay in 7 years!!!! I use to love it though so ya know - I can do this!!!!

Zzzzzzz

I got out of bed today only to have an hour long panic attack! This only happens after I have taken zyprexa the night before. I was told 6 months back by a psychopharmacologist that lithium and zyprexa can interact negatively together...but yet sometimes the morning after I take zyprexa I am calm. What this all means I don't know.

I did call my case-manager and say that if she takes me I will agree to see that shrink, Dr. Taos, that my resident family doctor has offered me to see (I have only been asking for the past 3 1/2 years, geeez!). I will not go alone because I have a fear of doctors and since they have taken so long to help me I have developed and apathy or ambivalence towards the whole medical establishment! Also since I know my meds are cr*p then I if I continue to feel better and get healed I will know it's the homeopathy and at have the choice to come off my meds or not...The tegretol has the side effect of Osteopenia and I was diagnosed with that when I was 31. I am OK now after starting calcium supplements and doing yoga daily for 11 months. I don't find tegretol has been helping me anymore and I was nearly weaned off it by my past shrink but then his therapy ended (they always seem to end therapy with me) and I got sick with crippling anxiety and I never seemed to come out of it for long...

I am awake now, barely. It's afternoon. After the panic attack I went into this sleep/ drugged up mode. I basically lay on Kerri's lap while she watch TV and played on her laptop. I wasn't sleeping much but I was so out of it....Yes, I had to call in sick from my volunteer job! I also called Jenn, my case-manager and suggested she come with me to any employment program. Disability runs one and they only take 'employable' people, apparently. I don't feel employable but I do want money so I don't have to mooch off my folks so much...argh!!!!

A Ton-O-Bricks...

I get that 'heavy' feeling when I am crashing. It's like a ton-o-bricks have landslid over me and I can't move. I just lie there totally fearful and DEEP in thought. I felt like that in the night. I have trouble sleeping. It's noisy here. There is no 'quiet hour here' at night although they would be quiet if I ask but I don't and they do try. No matter what time I go to be at I still wake up around 6am or later only if I am lucky. So I go to bed and hope I can sleep with my 'fitted ear plugs' - the kind that construction workers sometimes where. The next morning I wake up exhausted and push myself to get through another day. It's hard when I am upset. I know if I was not here Kerri wouldn't have to move. I know it's all my fault. I am sad and yet Kerri wants me to live with her and I want to live with Kerri and Hope. We can't lie about it because I need disability to up the monthly amount they give me...I was thinking of calling the Disability work program center but I feel that I am waaaay to stressed out to take on something like paid work and yet another new environment etc...

Also I am fearful of going to the doctor. I need to see a physiotherapist about my knee issues. I sprained it 2 months ago and I have the name of a physiotherapist but I would have to pay. I was told by my trainer and the physiotherapist that works for her that if you go to one that's covered there is a long wait...My step-dad Jim says there is no wait...I just don't want to see a doctor. I have way too many memories of doctors and they aren't good. Plus if they want me to get an x-ray when I likely don't need one there is another thing for my homeopath to detox me off of...detoxing using sends me into fits of rage...It is very hard on my body and yet some people going get so much stuff coming out....

Never mind all the crap in my life - I have some pics to show...I love saving the precious moments I come across...

Here is miss Speckle, my baby. She is not looking to come inside but only to look in at Kerri and I...typical cat behaviour but cut nonetheless, lol...

Kerri, Hope and I went for a short drive to check out some town houses last evening. On the way I noticed this beautiful sunset (2 minute walk from our current place) and I dug deep into my knapsack to find out I had my camera with me (Kerri is always teasing me that I have my knapsack with some much in it that it weighs a ton - but it does come in handy sometimes!). Meanwhile Kerri pulled over the car. What a sweetie. She took this pic for me too as the sunset was on her side....She will do anything for me. I love her so much!

And finally, check out the neighbours!!!! Yes, there is a dairy farm a 2
minute walk from our home. I think Speckle has made friends with the barn cats although I sure hope she doesn't go to the barn as there is an 80 km speed limit road to cross to get to the barn!!!!

Jenn, my case-manager is coming over today. She's been away a lot on holidays this summer and and off for medical reasons so I'm not sure she can really help me much at the moment...I really want to stay living with Kerri. That's all I know. I just feel like I'm going to be crying some more today but I feel that I'm stronger then I would have been in the past going though all this stress. I am out of bed blogging and I ate brekkie after all....

Awww - To Move Or Not To Move....

When I moved in with Kerri I thought everything would be OK. I thought, "Here I am living with the first person I have ever been in love with. Isn't life great????" NOT!

We had been trying to get a hold of her landlord for 2 weeks but were advised by the sub landlord that if I made the move official her rent wouldn't change. Now the landlords have materialized from their summer vacation and want to increase the rent. This means that Kerri, myself and Hope will likely be soon in the process of moving (for myself that's moving again). There is one last hope though that the landlords will change there mind. They will give us the final word on Wednesday or Thursday...

My step-dad Jim says I can always move back with him and my mom but Kerri really wants me to stay. I am sooo happy being about to cuddle and hug my honey whenever I want. I told Kerri it will all work out even if we have to live in a box out in the woods, lol...Sometimes we have too many expectations what 'should be'. We need to let go of those expectations that are too rigid....I did when I moved in with Kerri. I love her so I made sacrifices and yet I am the furthest thing from miserable....

I just want to hug and cuddle Kerri...We will work this thing out together...it will all work out. Things always do even if it sometimes takes a bit of patience and flexibility...

Being Busy Is My MO...

I am so happy Kerri is home from her 4 day camping trip!!!!

I did manage OK - much better then I thought I would. I kept busy, but being busy is my MO! I am still in the process of bringing stuff over from my folks place. I have a lot o stuff! I rarely throw out stuff!

My step dad Jim bought me a nice IKEA 6 shelf book case. I love it! I had one just like it when I lived at a group home 3 years back - before I moved in with my folks again. My folks had no room to store it and they had shelf space for me so we donated it to the next tenant there...

I feel relieved that I got a lot of stuff done today and that I can rest tonight. I cooked two meals - one tofu and one beef recipe; vacuumed the carpets; swept the floors and emptied a suitcase full of books and paper cr*p (hence the full looking bookcase!)...

Now I must go as I have been craving to stand on my head for the past hour so maybe I should go do that before I loose the urge, LOL....

Driving Is Not As Bad As I Thought It Would Be....

I can't believe how fast my life is whizzing by me...I can barely keep up, lol....3 weeks ago I was country snob city girl living in my parents basement apartment at 35. Now I have happily assimilated to life in the country (next to the city - well technically still a part of the amalgamated Ottawa) with my girlfriend Kerri, who I adore! I swear it's all trees and farm country out here! You have to drive everywhere!

Since my folks gave me their old car, they are now having to cope with being a one car family after living the past 15 years with their own cars! Who knew they would do this for me?

Kerri's teen daughter Hope lives in our home too. I do get along although her but me thinks we are still kinda checking each other out ;-). Actually we barely see each other as she is either never home or asleep (I am a morning person and she wakes up around 1pm) and when she is home she is watching horror movies with Kerri or in her basement bedroom hanging with friends.

I am surprised that driving is not as bad as I thought it would be. Back in the city my parents often told me to take one of their cars and I would mumble some excuse like - too anxious; depressed; tired; fearful of accidents, etc. But I've been over tired for days and I can still drive while anxious - when you have to do it you just do it! What are the alternative? Kerri use to drive me everywhere and I knew it was wearing on her. I'm glad I can help out a lot more now!

One of the difficulties is that sometimes I do get impulses of wanting to hit someone or something like that...I don't act on these impulses. The impulses I have had for at least the last 15 years and it's all a part of my obsessive-compulsive disorder. I just have to live with them, awww sigh!

Life continues....and if you are lucky the sun shines!

Kisses For My New (First) Car!!.

Guess what? I got my first car yesterday!!!! My folks gave me there 2003 Toyota Corolla, as a gift because I live in the country a bit and this way I won't be so dependant on my girlfriend Kerri driving me around and I can even help her drive her teen daughter Hope around too! In the pic I am actually kissing my car, well ya know, lol...

So needless to say I have been busy and a bit stressed but I can rest and get some cooking, cleaning and shopping done all on my own this weekend and boy this feels good (but I'm a nervous driver so maybe I'm not ecstatic over my new freedom yet, lol....

For those of you just reading my blog for the first time, please visit my previous blog at Live Journal. Here is the link: http://yogime1230.livejournal.com/. I have completed my Live Journal blog. It has over a year of personal issues that I have faced in my life - mental health labels mainly such as anxiety which can be crippling!!!