tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-48560955844407465392024-02-20T19:39:12.609-05:00Lisa's GardenI started blogging March 2008 after a huge stressor. I felt that I was misjudged and misunderstood. It is my intention to share my story and at the same time amuse you. Some days are roller coasters and some days I have huge hope...please join me on my journey toward health and self discovery. To follow me on twitter go to http://twitter.com/remedykeYogimehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08026994531948096120noreply@blogger.comBlogger151125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856095584440746539.post-29331991867398269772016-10-26T17:25:00.001-04:002016-10-26T19:45:27.472-04:00FB Messanger....Me And My Bestie....Today my bestie Kerri, who lives half way across Canada from me, was anxious for me to check my snail mail as I chatted on FB messenger on my phone app. I was multitasking watching a You Tube lecture which I could stop at any time (roomy's cat Koshka was on the pillow on my lap and also watching and learning about Mindfulness and Buddhism)...here is how our conversation went:<br />
<br />
Kerri: Have you checked your mail?<br />
<br />
<i>I was thinking...is the government sending me some money today (forgetting that I get direct deposit)? Then I remembered Halloween is coming up next week and Kerri is so sweet at remembering to send me snail mail cards at many occasions while get a kick out of sending e-cards.</i><br />
<br />
Me: You sent me something? Koshka (<i>roomy's cat</i>) is sitting on me (<i>and I'm in the midddle of a buddhist lecture on You Tube</i>) ....will have to wait.<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjp3h16KiP25amdl0VoensOAXDyc3xHEgW-A42xv9jyPCVgI5VYW9MQRL-Yi3ex-oL9I2aSKR8nfhTfeT5Cl-wJvtP_88cLOEnTm6lciDwtEn99krJyHkC5u0kZDXmU14fA_yc7ETn5nDg/s1600/IMG_20160410_135427553.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="180" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjp3h16KiP25amdl0VoensOAXDyc3xHEgW-A42xv9jyPCVgI5VYW9MQRL-Yi3ex-oL9I2aSKR8nfhTfeT5Cl-wJvtP_88cLOEnTm6lciDwtEn99krJyHkC5u0kZDXmU14fA_yc7ETn5nDg/s320/IMG_20160410_135427553.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Kerri: No! Go check!!! Dammit!<br />
<br />
<i>Ever the dramatic...</i><br />
<br />
Me; LOL! She (Koshka) doesn't stay long.<br />
<br />
Kerri: Whatever....<br />
<br />
Me: Also my hot chocolate is cooling down and is out of reach (<i>hoping for sympathy)</i><br />
<br />
Kerri: I'm shaking my head!<br />
<br />
Me: She's purring<br />
<br />
Kerri: Bah!<br />
<br />
Me: She's leaving soon<br />
<br />
<i>As Koshka stood up, accepted more belly rubs and continued to purr.</i><br />
<i><br /></i>
Kerri: Not soon enough!!!<br />
<br />
Finally I run upstairs to my apt mail slots and see if I have mail....<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOOuBem5DGX9ptxzo3D5PHvCcdp_5_qJ4jj-Yx9-a7EniuXqDSnjQRfNAPcyPPnAzXEDxtjVnWbT65oZ-kVXZh7RTk7hRL7qKLFQe9XkkN1-Fx8oyX9vTFCI_T8lXBs_euIFzc0Y4ZNy0/s1600/IMG_20161026_170718709.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiOOuBem5DGX9ptxzo3D5PHvCcdp_5_qJ4jj-Yx9-a7EniuXqDSnjQRfNAPcyPPnAzXEDxtjVnWbT65oZ-kVXZh7RTk7hRL7qKLFQe9XkkN1-Fx8oyX9vTFCI_T8lXBs_euIFzc0Y4ZNy0/s320/IMG_20161026_170718709.jpg" width="230" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
Me: That's so adorable!!!<br />
<br />
Kerri: Finally!!!<br />
<br />
<i>I go back to my video and then come back to my phone and FB.</i><br />
<br />
Me: Thank you!!!<br />
<br />
Kerri: For what?<br />
<br />
Me: For the card<br />
<br />
Kerri: Yay!!! Your welcome!!!<br />
<br />
I love my bestie, LOL!!!<br />
<br />
<i><br /></i>Yogimehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08026994531948096120noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856095584440746539.post-92167724512677376412012-10-10T20:18:00.001-04:002016-10-26T17:37:02.398-04:00The Best Way To Manage A Panic Attack, Or Not ;-)Today my social worker Jenn (the lady who takes me out
shopping or too appointments and stuff) suggested I do my own shopping because
she didn’t want to keep enabling me :-O! We had been talking about my latest
panic attack at Farm Boy yesterday. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Although
I agreed that yes I ‘could’ do my own shopping I warned her and sometimes I put
it off and let the produce I am interested in eating daily run out for days before
I ‘might’ force myself to go. <br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;">
<o:p> </o:p>I asked Jenn “Do you know the
best way to stop a panic attack while in a store?” Jenn was like “What?” I
guess it was just a trick question ie: just leave the store, right? But Jenn was
trying to tell me alternative breathing techniques during a panic attack!
Unfortunately other then ‘trying’ to deep breath, distract, or leave the
situation during a panic attack, nothing seems to help for me. </div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<o:p> </o:p>My last therapist was able to
guide me through a few helpful, self soothing exercises to help prevent a panic
attack however she warned me that I am supposed to practice techniques to relax
in a relatively calm state. For example each day I could make an effort to
practice something self soothing so that if I get into a situation of high
anxiety I can have a positive and calming focus. Once you have the techniques
down pat they come more easily during an actual panic attack. So, I’ve kind of
been slacking in that field but I find it hard to have a daily focus when I am
mostly depressed and anxious and just want to distract with TV and social media
;-).</div>
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</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
Here is a cool video by Michele
Rosenthal (founder of <a href="http://healmyptsd.com/"><span style="color: #4a91e3;">http://healmyptsd.com/</span></a>)
<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>with another perspective on events. The
fact that ALL events are neutral. That is why we all respond to stress in
different ways: </div>
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</div>
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</div>
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<o:p> </o:p><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/8hxd8NhKdig?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
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</div>
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</div>
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I’m still fighting this idea in
my head that Jenn will NEVER take me food shopping again. She didn’t say never
so I’m hoping to suggest food shopping when I see her again in 2 weeks ;-).
Okay, I try right? My folks say they can help out as well but I do want to try
to be independent. My big fear with the panic is that I will feel
uncomfortable, that I will pass out and 911 will have to be called because I am
in a public place, that I will have to be hospitalized and away from my cats.
Yes those are huge! But I haven’t passed out from a panic attack but have had
to sit down at “The Wheat Berry” because I was hyperventilating and dizzy. I
was with a fill in worker at the time but I knew her so it was ok. I pretty
much pretend no one else exists when I am with my worker(s) and it comforts me
to have them to help me. <br />
</div>
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</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
Although, it would be nice to go
out to a coffee shop or fun things around <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:city w:st="on">Ottawa</st1:city></st1:place>
with my worker instead of food shopping.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>She suggests stuff but I say I want to go food shopping, lol…but it
helps me to eat right that is for sure, but still. I have to get out of this
agoraphobic rut. There are no agoraphobic therapists in <st1:city w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Ottawa</st1:place></st1:city> unless you go to them 5 days a week or
are in patient in a special program. I figure once I can go to appointments on
my own with out staying up in the night having panic attacks or being unable to
sleep then I may as well go to a once a week anxiety program and volunteer or
get a part time job and try to meet people in the real world. Its been awhile!</div>
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</div>
Yogimehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08026994531948096120noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856095584440746539.post-62248692105425157002012-08-26T23:28:00.000-04:002012-08-26T23:35:01.722-04:00Atheism Doesn't Have To Mean Hate<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
While watching a repeat of “Murder By The
Book” on HLN chronicling the mystery surrounding the death of Madeline O’Hare, her
husband John Roth and her daughter (the story is explained in the link)<a href="http://askville.amazon.com/happened-madeline-o%27hare/AnswerViewer.do?requestId=4046397"> http://askville.amazon.com/happened-madeline-o'hare/AnswerViewer.do?requestId=4046397</a>).<br />
<br />
</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
It seems no wonder I view
Atheists as haters. This woman was full of hate! But yet am wondering why there
is all this hate around Atheism because the definition of an atheist is that
there is not God and what you see is what you get: <a href="http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atheism">http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Atheism</a>
and this is a pretty non spiritual perspective indeed. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Atheists, myself excluded, since
I do believe in spiritual issues, that I have met are not outspoken and angry
people. I find them a bit jumpy if I try to broach a spiritual topic. I wonder
if that is because they don’t want me to be swept off into some cult or
something and that is understandable but so far it hasn’t happened, lol…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Atheists are different then I
suppose the majority of us that believe in some higher being or afterlife. Does
this difference have to be a bad thing? Speaking of the O’Hare’s, I think this
family, especially the outspoken Madeline just wanted to be perceived as
something bigger then life. Perhaps untouchable and powerful. Maybe she felt a vulnerability
where she had been hurt or mislead in the past.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span>If so was trying desperately to get over that in the form of power so
that no one else could hurt her. Although seemingly misguided in her approach
in my opinion because of my quest for understanding and not the fear and sense
of wanting to intimidate others that I see from her. I mean if you have to
shoot people down what must you think of yourself? Pretty low, huh?</div>
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<br /></div>
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Do any of you remember Madeline
appearing on Donahue back in the day?: </div>
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<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/r9LS5xYq8zI?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
She may have been on a few times. I remember her so well. When I heard she was missing or possibly murdered I was pretty surprised and almost felt sorry for her....</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Sometimes I wonder if people have the 'wrong' view of crime. I mean here are some strange things I keep hearing over and over again. “Oh____couldn’t have killed so
and so, he went to church” Or “She’s a good Christian” when anyone can go to a
church and sit in a pew. It’s awesome if you feel a connection to the
congregation and it is like your family and it brings to do good service, but people
from ‘good families’ commit crimes and murder as well. Just look at all the
mass killings in the states lately. Or is that a gun issue…anyways… </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I haven’t been to church in a
couple of years and when I do go it’s a Quaker
Church here in Ottawa and there is no minister. We sit in
silence but can stand up to speak if something moves us. This is my connection to
people and to the divine. Even though I haven’t been in a couple of years I’m
still feeling just as connected spiritually as ever. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Do I believe in God? I
don’t use that name often. But I believe in something greater then myself and
this seems to be what other non God religions are based around as well. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">All in all we seem to be advancing in the world through education. In proportion to how many people are in the world now our crime rates are down in many areas. News reports through every medium so it doesn’t seem like it but we seem to be doing OK, really. </span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12.0pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">Its
really important to stick with people who bring you up. </span>Otherwise you get sucked into all
that negativity which is fear (well working on this anyway ;-). Or, at least find ways to reach out, ask for help and find
yourself in peace. </div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Sending Hugs. </div>
<br />
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</div>
Yogimehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08026994531948096120noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856095584440746539.post-66825699783650160722012-08-20T20:22:00.003-04:002012-08-20T20:39:26.929-04:00Suicide Hurts The Ones You Leave Behind...<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
No matter the reason Tony Scott
killed himself it <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">was </b>selfish > for
him. Not thinking or empathizing how his family, his kids would feel having
such a sudden and traumatic event in their lives and how powerless and lost
that feeling may be for them…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I used to be called an overdose
Eddy by the ER staff because I was there so much back in my 20s. I’m 38. Most
of this time I felt <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I</b> was in control.
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I</b> just wanted a break. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I</b> took only a certain amount of pills
that <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I </b>had taken before etc and just
before I had a seizure or blacked out <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I</b>
would feel a high off it. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Mom was really freaked out. Even
after I got help in the form of rehab for drugs and alcohol abuse I still
wanted to harm myself so I cut and swallowed stuff that could kill me. I only
thought of <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">me</b>, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">my</b> pain, <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">me</b> needing a
break/distraction from life. How funny it was that <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I</b> was ‘in control’ and still alive. <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I</b> knew what <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I</b> was doing
and look at all the attention <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I</b> was
getting because <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">I </b>craved that so
much. But I only thought of me…and my brain was so messed up in this I didn’t
see what I was doing to others even though I was ‘trying to hide it’ and also
somewhat ashamed.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Well, I must have
hated myself to be able to have hurt myself so much…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I never came too realize that
there were people all around me until a year after I quit using…or was that
when I decided I could use normally? I think so, and, because I’m an addict I
once again lost control…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I finally got sober nearly seven
years ago, although I then turned to anorexia and that could have harmed me more
then it did but I was able advocate for myself and get help, or enough to
stabilize my health in the eyes of my doctor…</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
Now I try to eat healthy. I have
good days and so good. I suck at self care but I try my best and I feel that I
have a future even on my dark days. As my worker Jenn says when I’m depressed
“Lisa you always look forward too tomorrow when you get another chance to feel
better” and this is so true. Instead of worrying about my death I plan to live
till I’m 120, ok?</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I don’t know how I would feel if
I still felt that powerless and lonely feeling inside; if I was still afraid to
talk and tell people my inner most secrets; if I didn’t have such a wonderful
support network. I don’t know. All I know is I have had an ex who committed
suicide and we were ‘estranged’ and yet I still felt if I could have helped
more, done more, stayed around…then maybe he would be here because it I feel
the need to help<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>people even though I
also know my boundaries and there is still so much I am scared about, but I do
my best!</div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
I need people, all people, <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>to understand that its ok to ask for help.
Start the journey. Be creative. Laugh a ton and it doesn’t matter if you are
the only one who’s laughing. Just remember a lot of people do care. You may not
be aware of that but its human nature so remember that. You can’t read peoples
minds (my worker keeps reminding me of that).<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;">
</span></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">
<b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">You matter! </b> </div>
Yogimehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08026994531948096120noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856095584440746539.post-55075735089192549452012-04-29T16:44:00.000-04:002012-04-29T19:12:50.025-04:00It's OK To Matter!<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">Codependency…I am meeting with silence whenever I mention this topic to
friends. I am feeling that people think that Codependency is something that
‘other’ people have when really I believe that most of us are codependant on
some level to varying degrees…<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">I am pretty excited now because I just started rereading <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">Codependent No More – How to Stop
Controlling Others And Start Caring for Yourself </i>by Melody Beattie 5 days
ago and I am already on page 42! This is huge because I have been ‘whining’
that I have not been able to sit down and read a paper back in 2 ½ years. I
know my anxiety has been crazy out of control and that is my ‘excuse.’ I really
can’t sit for stuff like paperbacks, or I couldn’t, I guess, hehe. I guess it
really speaks to me. I had it sitting on my book shelf and had read it ten
years ago but I forget what I read by now! I think I’m just ready to work a
bit. Sometimes you have to be ready you know…I know I hold onto stuff and have
all my life. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">I told my homeopath/nutritionist Phil that I am tense 100% of the time
except at the moment when I am actively engaged a relaxation exercise or
something…Phil said this is not normal. But how do I let go? This am I tried
tightening my upper arms/shoulders and then relaxing. I did that a bunch I
times because I know this is supposed to help but I never really see any
benefit to it…I do other things as well but I bounce back to anxiety so I
better keep reading, lol…Also it is really important to try different things.
Today I also turned on dance tunes and danced around trying to loosen up. Then
I remembered that my cousin Tamara is visiting tomorrow and my place is a mess
so I better clean – and then I started reading ‘the book’ again and now I’m
blogging but this is my issue I don’t focus…but I’m working at it!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">So if you are interested in knowing what a codependent is, here goes: a
codependent is someone who works hard but feels they never have enough time for
them! Codependents are often excessively preoccupied by the needs of others. If you are codependent you often feel happy only when the one you are close to etc feels happy. If they feel sad or angry you feel the same or are worried with stress! Codependents
tend to act passive and feel oppressed so not heard. As a result they tend to
carry around anger, rage and resentment while also being too afraid or guilt
ridden to change their behaviour or the situation. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">Since codependents love care-taking then tend to be drawn into helping
professions or living with an ill spouse, child parent. They seem to thrive on
this and want to stay in this set up or then feel their life is perhaps meaningless.<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;"><span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I started off working with
babies and kids and then worked with the elderly. I loved it but it got to much
when I started taking work home with me. That was 8 years ago. I haven’t been
able to work since. I did some volunteer work which lasted four years but I
chose to do light admin so that I didn’t have to worry about people or the
responsibility that put on my shoulders. Unfortunately my stress came knocking,
again via panic attacks and I realized I couldn’t handle leaving my house most
days. <o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">We need to remember who comes first! Before we can really help another
we must help ourselves! Remember that scenario of when an airplane is about to
crash who gets the oxygen over their face first, mom or child? It’s the mom. I
know I got that question wrong at first as well but it makes sense doesn’t it?
Mom has to save her child so she has to be well herself!<o:p></o:p></span></div>
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">
<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">So life is a school. It’s a work in progress and I’m game! I have a ton
to be grateful for and I don’t have to think hard to find it!<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Signing off with something cute I found on
Facebook... </span></div>
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixWvGFwTF30UYcF3xe_6Q5Jk7EnV-AJZhn45x_b_hBCTZRXSD3EbMceMwaXdm7LPyjWJwKQyLWj2MzAKqEjp2zmHe4-4Dr-tVsC0s4S1FuFjQvF7OWc_pzQEEsWcL11y0VP8EkFUhj_xg/s1600/I'm+Outstanding!.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEixWvGFwTF30UYcF3xe_6Q5Jk7EnV-AJZhn45x_b_hBCTZRXSD3EbMceMwaXdm7LPyjWJwKQyLWj2MzAKqEjp2zmHe4-4Dr-tVsC0s4S1FuFjQvF7OWc_pzQEEsWcL11y0VP8EkFUhj_xg/s320/I'm+Outstanding!.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>Yogimehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08026994531948096120noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856095584440746539.post-10811687298895268912012-03-10T10:54:00.006-05:002012-03-20T22:03:38.623-04:00Why You Don't Want To Go Off Your Meds > Bipolar's...<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">I have been following the story of the flight attendant who went off her bipolar meds. <a href="http://www.leadertelegram.com/news/daily_updates/article_873dc40b-1f48-5d73-a406-5eb21f51b9f9.html">http://www.leadertelegram.com/news/daily_updates/article_873dc40b-1f48-5d73-a406-5eb21f51b9f9.html</a>. I worry that her actions may have potentially caused post-traumatic stress in passengers some if who may have been afraid to get on an airplane in the first place…I feel for these people.<br />
<br />
As you know I too have bipolar disorder. Unfortunately it took my doctors till I was 28 to get this diagnosis confirmed. Incidents of psychosis for me started at 20 years of age. At that time I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. This was accurate at the time but the docs failed to realize that I was not coping because of bipolar and PTSD and other anxiety disorders. I think most people have attempted to get off their meds. We have a love hate relationship with this things right? I have tried, once, in an attempt to get manic. I am depressed mostly on my meds the only think it does is keep me from getting loopy. I wanted the happy part of mania. So, I took a friends antidepressant. Instead I ended up in the ER, brilliant right? That was the only time I tried that, lol. I did not hurt anyone. I just had a racing heart it scared me. I was living in a group home. </div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">I have talked to multiple people who have stopped bipolar meds because they feel ‘fine’ or ‘better’. But does it ever occur to people that they feel better because of the meds? If someone with bipolar disorder wants to be weaned of their meds they talk to their doctor who will do so s-l-o-w-l-y and safely…<o:p></o:p></div><br />
I worry this story makes people with bipolar disorder look like demons. That’s what I thought when I heard the scream on the video. I use to think I had a demon in my head to when I was 14. I didn’t want to say anything because I felt that mental illness was a weakness and I know some people still feel this way. Stresses often set off an episode or psychosis. We are more sensitive perhaps but on our meds we fit right into society and its genetic, its not our fault we have this...some of us are highly intelligent and able to work...I can't see this lady ever being in the air as a profession again but it will be interesting to see...<br />
<br />
I definitely want to get to the underlying issue of why I am ‘this’ way. I am aware of the signs that I might be getting sick from my bipolar particularly the upswing/psychosis: I don't sleep, I am <span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt;">fidgety</span>, can't sit still, can't stop talking, talking to myself, feeling I am one with 'God,' hearing things, feeling high and other stuff. You probably get the idea > loopy. How could the staff have missed this on the pre-flight? <br />
<br />
Luckily I have an anti-psychotic Zyprexa that I can take as an extra med if I feel the 'signs'. This is the med the doctors always gave me in the ER when I would go when I was manic/psychotic so its great I don’t have to worry about going in again and I love it! I haven't been to the ER for any med related issue in 5 years. <o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
I really hope this flight attendant is OK.<br />
<br />
People its just really important to take your meds if you need them. Don’t ruin your life. Live the live you are given. Its really ok to have a mental illness but you have to take care of yourself as do we all…<o:p></o:p><br />
<br />
What do you think?<o:p></o:p>Yogimehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08026994531948096120noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856095584440746539.post-6468220337182957622012-03-03T16:44:00.002-05:002012-03-08T21:45:44.293-05:00When Numbness Isn't A Choice<o:p> I was chatting with my mental health worker Jenn yesterday about how I feel numb all the time and that this had been going on as long as I can remember. Jenn said it is normal because I have had trauma starting at birth. So this numbness is not really a choice. It's like being on a really scary roller-coaster where your hands are so tight on the bar you can't unclench them without it hurting. The last thing you want is to hurt. I can function. This numbness helps me feel safe. But it’s also frustrating because sometimes I want to ‘wake-up’ and I feel I need to hide out of fear of panic attacks and anxiety I guess. <o:p></o:p></o:p><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">‘Hiding’ for me has been quite common these last couple of years. As I think back to what I did to get so agoraphobic for instance, I think of how a few years back I was doing yoga daily and practicing stills to self soothe on a regular basis. It was pretty ritualized and obsessive-like unfortunately. My goal was to cure myself of mental illness, to be ‘normal’ and go far in life. This plan hasn’t panned out, yet.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">I ended up stopping all the ritualized self-care rather abruptly because I started having panic attacks during my at home yoga DVD sessions. I was even having attacks during bubble baths. As I think back I wonder if maybe I ‘should’ have pushed through and embraced this shift as stuff coming out the way it was supposed to. Maybe this would have been a way of empowering me and helping my self-confidence eventually. Or maybe I needed to stop and go inside myself a bit. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">I have been having vivid dreams in the last few weeks. These dreams are of having grand mal seizures over and over again or having committed a violent act and having the cops after me. I have woken up after dreams of hearing screaming then fearing I am going to end up in the loony bin! It’s been eight years since I’ve been in-patient and I really want to keep it that way! When I told Jenn about the dreams she told me it was the Bowen therapy, the body work I have been doing. That’s what I had been thinking.<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">I have missed the last two weeks of Bowen because two weeks ago my Bowen Practitioner Casey had the flu and then I had a really bad cold this week…But we will get back on track. I am also wondering if my 3 colds since February are Bowen’s doing since I had successfully outwitted (very proud too grinning from ear to ear) my mom’s flu and cold and my step-dad’s two colds between November and January. Yet when starting Bowen I have been sick most of the time since. Maybe I jinxed myself through my overconfidence, LOL…we all need to be humbled sometimes, no? <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">It was at this time and with my Homeopath Terrance that things were shifting inside of my mind. I had lost the rage I had carried with me all of my life. Unfortunately now I didn’t feel like doing anything except watching television and staying around the house. Terrance seemed to think this was just a normal state of the process that would pass but here I am 2 ½ years later and I’m still sitting at home, nesting. The cats love it though…<o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">I’ll start again, slowly, to try to figure out what I can do that is doable. I have started a second twitter paper on paper li. Called “Learning Self-Love Daily.” Here is the link: <a href="http://paper.li/remedyke/1330539184"><span style="color: #4a91e3;">http://paper.li/remedyke/1330539184</span></a>. There are tons of articles on the subject. I choose the search settings but don’t write the articles. I love this topic because so many people who are excellent at taking care of others are not as good at taking care of their own mind/body (myself included, of course)….but it’s a process. I fell off the wagon but I can get back on again. It won’t be quick. I still hold a lot of fear in my body/mind but I will figure out a workable goal in time…</div>Yogimehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08026994531948096120noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856095584440746539.post-54031890456489207662012-02-28T09:36:00.005-05:002012-02-28T14:55:54.334-05:00If All Else Fails, There Is Television, Right?My cat Speckle is a real ‘nut!’ <br />
<br />
Last night I was ‘making’ cat food in the basement apartment I live in at my folks place. Upstairs Bob and Speckle must have been playing but then I hear a crash! I didn’t hear anything after so I continued what I was doing. My folks were in bed already but apparently they didn’t hear a thing because the cats were in a back room. When I went upstairs, finally, I saw an overturned ceramic plate that had been pushed off the table by Speckle (Bob is old and doesn’t climb up on tables anymore as far as I know). Nothing broke <span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt;">miraculously</span>. It was a plate of fruit cake which was still covered over by a plastic bag...I don’t know about Speckle sometimes. She’s a true nut! She’s a 6 ½ year old Tortie and still very kitten like…is this a Tortie thing or something?<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQHlHOLGyy1vY77kWgBINJ50cC1oA-KXy-NPLS8036kSgtgGyx2SYxgLYdIKR0T4KbV8PbUhrgoGg4xWdpTLYDd_9X_Zpp5Fz-2L95_bL9JZRzPfnWvnqKV2Rs2b7fNH-ENo91sowrDq0/s1600/Sassy+Speckle.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhQHlHOLGyy1vY77kWgBINJ50cC1oA-KXy-NPLS8036kSgtgGyx2SYxgLYdIKR0T4KbV8PbUhrgoGg4xWdpTLYDd_9X_Zpp5Fz-2L95_bL9JZRzPfnWvnqKV2Rs2b7fNH-ENo91sowrDq0/s320/Sassy+Speckle.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">As for me, I can say I’ve been depressed more then I’ve been happy in the last nine months since moving out of Kerri’s place. Kerri and I are still best friends. We do talk on the phone a lot but she is in BC and I am here in <st1:city w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Ottawa</st1:place></st1:city>. Its not the same as seeing her all the time and we do have a really close connection because we were girlfriends for 9 months a few years back before becoming best friends...<br />
<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">I have tened to watch a lot of TV in the last 2 1/2 years since I’ve succumbed to agoraphobia. TV seems my answer to everything. It is a pretty good security blanket which I can control and almost create my world and moods. <br />
<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"><o:p> </o:p>On the worst of days when my anxiety gets to the max I wonder why I have to live like ‘this.’ As a spiritual person I wonder what is after this life. That is when you find out 'why' and everything is supposed to make sense. I try my best to be kind because I want kindness shown to me in return and maybe that’s what the ‘boss’ on the other side wants of me…the only thing I forget, quite often is to let stuff go once in awhile. Isn’t that why I’m so tense? I’m holding onto everything that ever happened to me? When people say ‘let it go,’ I don’t get it. It’s like telling an anorexic (and I still have that tendency) to eat. It’s Greek! I don't speak that language. I don't get it!<br />
<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">Even before I could write I remember verbally dictating to my father my dreams. Dad would write them down for me. I still continue to do this. And I still have all my dream books too, lol. Now I discuss my dreams with my therapist Cindy and use the dream dictionary on-line </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"><a href="http://dreemmoods.com/">http://dreemmoods.com/</a> as a reference. I pay attention to the feelings that come up and when subjects repeat. <br />
<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">I have recently started Bowen Therapy (The Bowen Technique). This is a body work healing therapy. Most of the literature/on-line videos of Bowen are for physical ailments for people or animals but Bowen Practitioners have clients like me for mental healing as well. Its all about pressure points on the body. I have had only 2 sessions. I will have ‘at least’ 8 and can have as needed sessions after that. I want to try to work heal from my anxiety and depression if that’s at all possible…Actually, it must be, right? I just have to keep at it and if all else fails, there is Television…. <o:p></o:p></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"><br />
</div>Yogimehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08026994531948096120noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856095584440746539.post-2457561163381963072012-01-16T18:42:00.001-05:002012-01-16T19:06:19.480-05:00'Learning' My Rights: It's OK To Stand Up For Myself...<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">My homeopath Phil tells me to ‘stop depending on the remedies’ and to try to work on myself. What he means here is that I should stand up for myself. I recently had a lady called Casey (not her real name) try to follow me on twitter after I had her blocked. She simply changed her twitter name and made a new account. At the same time I had 2 strange calls one day after another where no one said anything and the call was not traceable. I only picked up the line thinking it might be my worker Jenn as she does not identify her calls from her cell. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">I was petrified that this Casey, a lady from my ‘dark’ past was not able to respect me enough and over rid my saying no. Another friend of mine from the past told her to stop calling her line looking for me millions of times when I had blocked my phone number for 4 years…this whole ‘Where’s Lisa’ <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">game </i>has been going on for 6 years, well, maybe more. I did end up calling the cops by the way. I haven’t pressed charges because I am not really afraid of her I just want her to go away. There is more of course but I’m so tired of this fear stuff I feel. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">I did for a few days protect my tweets so that only my followers on twitter and those I choose to come follow me can read my tweets. After chatting with Phil though and him realizing how I love to reach out and mingle on-line. I love the feed back I get and the people who tell me I have helped them in some way...So, it was suggested that I not protect my tweets. This made me smile. Of course I can protect them if I want some day but for now anyone of you can read them. But I know who is following me. And, if Casey tries to follow me or in anyway contact me in such a fashion that I know about I who I can press charges because I have told her not too! I know I do have some control over my life. I just have to remember this...<br />
<br />
I have never had anyone else in my life that has harassed me like this for more then 3 days or so after I said to buzz off. She seems to want me as a friend, again, but an obsessed friend????? This lady has caused me so much hurt both during our friendship and after I said to stop contacting me...its unbelievable but I need to find my voice and I hope I can and will so that I don't feel so much fear...<br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">Tomorrow I have a phone appointment with Cindy, my therapist. We will defiantly have to work on this…maybe a roll play or a preparation for a role play. Sometimes when people get upset with me or do things I don’t like I just freeze. Jenn says this might be also because of my reduced speed of processing, an issue I have had all my life. I know that as a kid in school I had to work for hours to memorize stuff. I had to work harder then most kids. I can work at this though. I can learn! I have yet to see or hear from the Occupational therapist because my doctor hasn’t yet sent in the referral Jenn and I gave him back in September. It’s January! Grrr…or maybe this is good thing. I can work very slowly at my own pace to either go out or not. I just have to hope that life is easy and that there will always be an endless quantity of great shows on TV and lovely people on Facebook and Twitter, tee hee…</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div> Well, in case you non-Ottawa, Canada, folk are all wondering about our snow situation here is what we got a few days ago: <br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdMRQnm5r3eSHTqTyRLQUPFckOkvXihSajkSgtnUhyR4W3YRItJg_zD2731Z3N79ErD1KjrgAxIHOQCpoAE3DL7eTUGmeudlBwxgerSftndgIaAFQwCBPhuqZ68dJQ0O4fWQJ8rV35vrA/s1600/Our+deck+Friday+January+the+13th%252C+2012..JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdMRQnm5r3eSHTqTyRLQUPFckOkvXihSajkSgtnUhyR4W3YRItJg_zD2731Z3N79ErD1KjrgAxIHOQCpoAE3DL7eTUGmeudlBwxgerSftndgIaAFQwCBPhuqZ68dJQ0O4fWQJ8rV35vrA/s320/Our+deck+Friday+January+the+13th%252C+2012..JPG" width="320" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">And tomorrow we are expecting more snow i.e. 10-15 cm's worth!...So glad my step-dad has a snow blower....</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
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</div>Yogimehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08026994531948096120noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856095584440746539.post-42853846297943756502011-12-27T16:10:00.006-05:002012-01-04T22:16:54.073-05:00We All Have Vulnerabilities And It's OK :-)<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">For the past few days now I’ve been thinking of getting my a$$ of this house and going on the bus. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have bought a bus pass (they are cheap in <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:city w:st="on">Ottawa</st1:city></st1:place> if you are on Disability) and have been thinking of different scenarios: <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt 39pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 39.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -18pt;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">I could pick up stuff I want at stores out of my comfort zone. <o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt 39pt; mso-list: l0 level1 lfo1; tab-stops: list 39.0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: -18pt;"><span style="font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-family: Symbol; mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt; mso-fareast-font-family: Symbol;"><span style="mso-list: Ignore;">·<span style="font-size-adjust: none; font-stretch: normal; font: 7pt/normal "Times New Roman";"> </span></span></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">When I am suppose to meet someone I could plan to go out and take the bus to <o:p></o:p></span></div> <span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">meet them somewhere.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">Then I think to myself, I do have my training pass given to me by my mental health worker Jenn NOW (a free pass for people who need encouragement to get back on the bus). Jenn gave this to me because I have agoraphobia/panic but It hasn’t helped motivated me. But I do want to get out so why don’t I go out today? </span><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">I can’t deal with leaving the house, yet. So I’m wondering if I’m really going to get out. I was thinking 3 days a week on the bus? <o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">And, I also want to go to my mental health drop-in. I read January’s schedule and there is a Trauma group on Tuesday so I am planning on calling them on Monday to see if it’s a drop-in. Actually this quite excites me although my mind is flipping back and forth on it…<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">I know I will likely be panicky on my few or dozen or million trips but the idea is to keep at it right? And, for me to try not to get bored or to frustrated. It should be fun, right? <o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">I’m kind of afraid of ‘growing up’. It doesn’t feel very safe to be an adult. There are too many responsibilities and, there is more of a chance that I might get hurt. If I do I am so fragile I will hide in my mental illness cave, again because I’ve tried to work, volunteer and go to post-secondary school in the past!<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">It’s hard to be so sensitive. I was just chatting with a twitter friend who was given some misinformation by her mother in-law. The mother in-law seemed to think she was <em>right </em>but a<em> </em>few of us fellow tweeps chimed to to tell her her that we didn’t think mother in law was right at all. <br />
<br />
I felt my friend doubted herself while all the while she knew the answers.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>This it helped me feel that we all have vulnerabilities. I guess that’s a part of life and its ok. I mean I knew this but I am never sure…It is so hard to be strong when we see people as authority and who must be right. My therapist tells me the same i.e. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I need to try to be stronger in myself and believe in myself. <o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">Another reason I am fearful to go outside of my comfort zone is that I have had to let past friends go in my life. One of my ex friends was so angry she said in a rage ‘I better not see you on the street.’ I took that to mean she is going to punch me out or something. She has anger issues and that’s exactly why I decided to let her go!<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">And there is another ex friend that sent me a Christmas e-mail this year. I don’t know what to say to that. <o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">It is hard. I really want to find people in my life who share some of the values I have come to develop and those who I feel I can talk too. <o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">My problem is that I feel so guilty if I upset anyone in anyway. This came up in my homework with my therapist Cindy today. While working on this homework (which was to identify my thoughts associated with the feelings of fear and guilt), I fully expected my feelings of fear to outweig the guilt. Quite the opposite! It seems I carry this tremendous guilt.. Cindy informed me that I’m taking on others guilt as well and this is true. This pattern goes back very far for me…<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">Maybe this is good i.e. writing about it all…maybe I should blog more often, lol…Have a great rest of day readers. I think the cats want their treats....! <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><o:p></o:p></span></div>Yogimehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08026994531948096120noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856095584440746539.post-34679165536954907382011-12-24T16:28:00.001-05:002011-12-24T16:47:44.197-05:00Christmas Is A Sad Time Too...But Things Get Better...<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">Christmas is especially hard for me this year because I am not living with Kerri, my ex/bff who I lived with for the last 2 years and really miss. She lives in BC now. We will talk on the phone as we do everyday and those chats make me laugh and smile every time. Kerri is sad as well to be away from friends and family here so hopefully we will both be able to make the best of it. Kerri got in the Christmas spirit long ago and had her Christmas tree up at the end of November.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">I feel that I’m stronger in a way this year. I don’t feel depressed but rather sad. I know the shrink I used to have used to try to get me to distinguish between depressed and sad. Sometimes it feels like they are both the same emotion. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">I have big hopes that by next Christmas I will be attending numerous holiday parties and some are non alcoholic so that is a plus for me. I have bought a bus pass for January and I am really excited to at least vicariously go out and enjoy life. The thing I most want to do is go back to my mental health drop-in for their drop-in support groups. I want to meet people where I can chat and feel safe and secure because for people with post traumatic stress disorder it is hard to feel safe in the world. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">As it is holiday time and more people are celebrating I find it really hard to read people’s tweets on drinking. I want to drink too! I have upset one or two people, I think, who I have been chatting with and then I later stop following them because I feel jealousy and anger because I so don’t want to feel the anxiety and pain that life causes me so it really is not about them. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">I have been sober almost 6 ½ years because drugs and alcohol took over my life for 5 years. In the end I had a heart arrhythmia and elevated liver enzymes and probably a death wish. A year after I quit the docs said my heart and liver were functioning normally and I am so glad that I caught it soon enough for my body to heal. I do believe my life <i style="mso-bidi-font-style: normal;">IS </i>getting better! </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">For the past year or more I have been telling everyone I want to live to be over 100. They just look at me funny, hehe. But I want to heal and then have the rest of my life to be amazing! Anywhoo I do feel hopeful because I will be starting a new therapy called ‘Bowen Therapy’ in February. This is suppose to help with body alignment for physical and mental ills and it is similar to the Feldenkrais Method which I tried a few years ago and I found it to be extremely helpful. During tough times it is OK to dream. Whatever it takes to help your body and spirit get stronger right? </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"> Anywhoo, here is a cute video for all cat lovers on Oskar the blind kitten. He is very 'helpful' and here he is trying to help with the Christmas tree :-P.</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/aF7dDM5Yu40?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">I wish you all a wonderful Christmas or whatever you are celebrating this season. Remember if you are sad that things do get better as I believe they will for me and it's OK to dream, smile and laugh :-).</div>Yogimehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08026994531948096120noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856095584440746539.post-78563479694273583292011-12-20T19:22:00.000-05:002011-12-20T19:22:30.933-05:00I'm Pretty Good At Distracting Myself From Myself....<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">As many of you know I am on twitter and I retweet true crime and many sad sad things. I find that one of the things I really feel sad and angry about is sexual abuse and I don’t retweet many of the high profile cases because I can’t deal with my own past as a sexual abuse survivor. I have been tormented by my abuse for most of my life. Now I do know that I am feeling much more solid on that front since I came out as a lesbian and found Kerri who is now my bestest friend. We met on Plenty of Fish dating site 2 ½ years ago. I can now at least watch most of the talk shows that talk about sexual abuse. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">Kerri and I are very different in our beliefs. I tell her that the reason that I feel happy even though I am sad a lot is because I feel spiritually that there is something more then this shallow world we live in…It’s a great escape to think of other dimensions, hehe. I have found this free on-line radio station I like called:<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span><a href="http://a2zen.fm/"><span style="color: #4a91e3;">http://a2zen.fm/</span></a> you don’t need to be a member to listen and they talk about all sorts of things like spiritual guides, chakras and healing, astrology, ways of changing your thinking etc…There are tons of archived shows which is mostly what I listen too…I’m way to scatterbrained to find a show I like and make time for it at the right time…I sort of have to be feeling in the mood for this sort of stuff…it’s deep!<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">This week Cindy has told me to write down <u>what the thoughts are connected to my feelings of guilt and fear. </u>I feel those two emotions 24/7 but it feels scary to sit down and pick out the root of those even though I’m pretty open at talking, expressing and showing my feelings (Cindy says I’m pretty good at distracting myself from myself and this is true as well :-P). I try to come off as strong when I am not but I hate to draw attention to myself. <o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">For the past couple of days I have had upper back pain on my left side. Today I have even had osteoarthritis pain in my left knee and in my right. I think all these although physical are psychosomatic. Oh, and yesterday I felt like I was coming down with the flu but it never happened. It think my homeopathic remedies were the culprit but better then the real thing. In fact it seems most those I am following in <st1:city w:st="on"><st1:place w:st="on">Ottawa</st1:place></st1:city> on twitter seemed to be sick yesterday. I hope they are ok now…Things physical for me usually are psychosomatic in some way…<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">I have had this problem on and off for much of my adult life where I pull out my hair. The shrinks call it Trichotillomania which can be a form of OCD if it gets in the way of your life but it basically when you have anxiety and that is my first name! <o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUY7LZPihVr_MCW7qMy9YCg14ghr3hZ70Quh2zlktzrz4ysWe3il9rDhRvftbgK5g2q6cwfAN4tzRYt_jXieEM-4JNYhVkiLNhH9-f-52KREQuNw3wgmsIn96kx8LzGlXwIIqt1NiV3H0/s1600/I+gave+my+hair+a+time+out%2521.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjUY7LZPihVr_MCW7qMy9YCg14ghr3hZ70Quh2zlktzrz4ysWe3il9rDhRvftbgK5g2q6cwfAN4tzRYt_jXieEM-4JNYhVkiLNhH9-f-52KREQuNw3wgmsIn96kx8LzGlXwIIqt1NiV3H0/s320/I+gave+my+hair+a+time+out%2521.JPG" width="312" /></a></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">Last week I went on a 4 day hair pulling binge and now I have taken up Kerri’s idea of tying my hair back. It really works for me too! I still go through the motions of pulling when a hair peeks through my hair band but in the last week I have only pulled out 2 hairs and this is a record!…<o:p></o:p></span></div><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><br />
<span style="font-family: "Times New Roman"; font-size: 12pt; mso-ansi-language: EN-CA; mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt; mso-bidi-language: AR-SA; mso-fareast-font-family: "Times New Roman"; mso-fareast-language: EN-CA;">I am so sad this Christmas that I am not sharing it with Kerri. We lived together the last 2 Christmases. I really miss her a lot but I am so grateful that we can still talk on the phone tons. She really makes me smile…</span>Yogimehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08026994531948096120noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856095584440746539.post-5289783936816540402011-10-17T12:10:00.005-04:002011-12-01T20:34:13.266-05:00Pain Breeds More Pain...Thats Comfort? Stop Gay Bullying!<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">There has been so much talk recently about teenagers taking their own lives especially because of gay bullying. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>As a lesbian chatting to gay male friends it seems that men/boys who are gay get it so much worse then us girls/women. <o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">I didn’t come out as a lesbian until I was 35 but in highschool a friend of mine was gay and I never ever had a problem with her, oddly. I am lucky to have come from a family who is completely accepting of who are gay…<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">I remember during my teen years I was extremely depressed. I would go through periods when I didn’t talk. I had friends but I never told my friends I was suffering even after my dad died when I was 11. To this day I have a friend from highschool who is baffled that and am not married; don’t have a house; a job or kids and she asks me why don’t I (snap out of it)? Sometimes I still cry because my life is so difficult that somedays just getting off the sofa to make an actual meal is painful (emotionally).<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">I never dropped out of highschool yet I remember wanting to but staying because I knew mom wanted me too.<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">Today watching “Anderson,” Anderson Cooper’s mom, Gloria Vanderbilt told one of the audience members who had tried to kill herself to focus on the ones who love us and would miss us if we died. I don’t even think I was thinking of anyone or thing outside of myself when I attempted, on numerous occasions in my 20s. I do remember making a conscious effort to turn my thoughts off at the time I would cut, burn or ingest pills or worse. I really had a craving to lose my pain and because I was in pain I figured more pain was comforting. It was familiar…<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">Today I have more labels, more panic attacks, and cry plenty out of being easily frustrated. I feel sad and depressed for long periods yet I rarely have thoughts of suicide. I think for me the reason is that I have a ton of support. I chat with Kerri, my ex/BFF even though she moved away. We chat for like an hour on the phone most days.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Also, I can access my mental health workers answering machine or e-mail her. My outreach worker at my past group home has a phone number and someone is there most of the day/night who I can call if I need too. <o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">It’s really important for people with mental health issues to have access to services that are not friend or parent related.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes I think my problems will just depress people I know in my personal life even though most of the time mine are simple problems with intense moods which change my perspective on ‘the truth.’<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">I use to take great comfort in accessing my area <st1:place w:st="on"><st1:placename w:st="on">Community</st1:placename> <st1:placename w:st="on">Mental</st1:placename> <st1:placename w:st="on">Health</st1:placename> <st1:placetype w:st="on">Center</st1:placetype></st1:place> which had a walk- in for mental health clients where they can chat with a social worker. I got to know and feel comfortable with the same staff and could call in ahead of time to see who was working…<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">I hope people grow more tolerant of gays. We are getting there but it’s a work in progress. It’s really stressful to keep secrets ya know. I have had that experience! <o:p></o:p></span></div>Yogimehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08026994531948096120noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856095584440746539.post-38427754501698171162011-10-13T23:08:00.002-04:002011-12-01T21:37:52.800-05:00When Family Doctors Fail...<span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">My family doctors have done nothing to help me deal with my anxiety.<o:p></o:p></span><br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;"><o:p> </o:p></span><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">I used to be able to volunteer for 15 hours a week and I loved it! I use to be able to take the bus, shop for food and even drive. Now I lie on the sofa and usually tune into HLN where I can watch high profile criminal trials in the US and hear the same evidence and lies over and over again and then rehash it all again in the evening while I think of what I want to eat because its hard for me to eat when I am anxious…<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">I haven’t had a psychiatrist in 6 years. My labels are bipolar, social anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, PTSD and panic disorder. I go to the doctor to see residents doctors who change every 2 years (my doctor has hour long waits) and they won’t actually assign me to a specific resident unless I ask…<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">Today I had a phone session with my mental health social worker Jenn. I have been feeling so frustrated because one of the Occupational Therapist’s had said she thought I was just using her because I was not able to function on my own after she worked with me for 3 months. Jenn assures me the OT had never dealt with someone with agoraphobia and panic disorder before. The OT would come once every 2 or 3 weeks for 3 months but even I could tell her I didn’t feel any better. Jenn says I really need someone to come get me out every day or something.<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">I’m just so sick of feeling that people are thinking that since everything is ‘in my head’ I can just snap my fingers and get out and be whoever I want to be just like that. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told Jenn that I have been telling my resident doctors and my actual doctor who sees me periodically that I have anxiety. I figured I must not be speaking clearly because they don’t offer me help for it. Jenn comes with me to my doctor appointments and told me that I do speak clearly but they do not offer to help me…<o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">The residents see me come in with conversion disorders, and stress headaches that last a month. They send me for a CAT scan to make sure it’s not because of my hydrocephalus but nothing shows up so they expect to see me back when my meds run out in 6 months. <o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">It’s not like I did not fight to have a life with these panic attacks. For a year I continued to show up at my volunteer jobs. The staff would tell me to go lie down and rest for a bit if I was having a panic attack. They would let me deal with the attacks on my own because I told them it would go away on its own. I preferred to be alone for the most part. <o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">On the way to my volunteer job I started to have panic attacks on the bus and then in the Rideau Centre walking to get my connection. Then the panic attack would pass and I would put in my hours volunteering like nothing had happened. Then I started having panic attacks at the bus stop or waking up in the morning…how could I fight back? <o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">Clients would ask me ‘are you a student’ ‘do you work?’ To them I was just a human and I didn’t look like someone with a mental illness.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>Sometimes I would tell them that I was not able to work because of my mental issues and do you know what? I have gotten so much respect from people for just being honest! <o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">But doctors, answer me this, with all my problems why do I not have a psychiatrist who does psychotherapy? Gratefully after 6 years of this progression of anxiety my worker has given my family doctor’s consultant shrink a referral form (like a month ago) to help me get a doctor at our local Mental Hospital who specializes in anxiety to work with me…the waiting list is about 6 months and Jenn has offered to drive me. <o:p></o:p></span></div><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt;"><span style="mso-bidi-font-size: 14.0pt;">I really hope I get help but when I feel really scared or depressed sometimes I really feel that there is no help for me. I hope I’m wrong. I do have so much to offer the world and I would like to help out in some way and give back…<o:p></o:p></span></div>Yogimehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08026994531948096120noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856095584440746539.post-23051636294416228622011-07-25T22:28:00.002-04:002011-07-25T22:35:57.416-04:00The Painful Struggle Of Addiction And Where I'm At...<div class="MsoNormal" style="text-align: justify;">Amy Winehouse died 2 days ago and I have been reading everything I can to find out why. There is not much. It is assumed to be drugs since the autopsy has not found anything. Now we will have to wait 4-6 weeks for the the toxicology reports.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I don’t know much about Amy but what I have been learning is that was a troubled addict and I can identify with her struggle as I am an addict who has been sober 6 years.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I was never into her music. I can’t relate to the celebrity part which I know is a huge part but here are some of my thoughts on addiction: <br />
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</div><i>Addiction changes your brain. You are numb inside or at least these are my thoughts here from my druggy days…I didn’t get why people were so worried about me. People stopped their lives and came to help me wondering if I was going to die or when. I tried not to talk about all this after I came too, or survived that high or attempt on my life. The boundaries were not even clear. I was so impulsive. I didn’t want to think. I had thrown the coping skills I did have out the window and just focused on the now. I didn’t think of the future. I was just existing…I needed to survive. I needed to block out my depression, anxiety, flashbacks of abuse, sadness of my dads death, and memories of my operations from my hydrocephalus. It was a painful realization that the goals I had set up to do ie complete University; have a great job; house, 2 kids; husband (I was so lost I didn’t yet realize I was a lesbian nor did I want to deal with that yet) were not going to happen due to my existing mental problems coupled with a learning disability….so much in my head. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i><br />
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The other day I was on twitter and a site came up of a singer, Tori Amos. I love music but it had been awhile since I played her songs. This song 'Winter' made me think of Amy Winehouse for probably no reason idk...anyways I got hooked on this song and I didn't even know what it was talking about (I listed to the tune not so much the words - gets me in trouble sometimes, lol). <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/KWmETxWM0h0?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div> <o:p> </o:p><br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">Looking on the web it seems to be about Tori remembering a happy event from her childhood, playing and her father’s unconditional love. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I have been imagining myself as a 4 year old and pretending to interact with ‘little me.’ This is something my team of professionals have been coaching me on. I look at 'little me' through my eyes and remember that I do not wish pain on myself as this child. I even notice I try never to swear because I’m a mom now to myself, lol…</div><br />
In my interactions with my cats Speckle and now Bob I treat them as if they are perfect and I want only happiness and to love them. <br />
<div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhD5JTTeaqV60A6I3BC61jD9wj1KTXflL_ceonFUj9kVVehQD9IiU-_1OZ7cOKRYhY3yR6QyReFe8UifXeyTXY3A5juL5XXgDTSWQo6GbVjZzOzaU4xxkRDHGLCwiuiC24J-ehQ_Tv01YU/s1600/Me+w+Spec+bonding%2521.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="240" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhD5JTTeaqV60A6I3BC61jD9wj1KTXflL_ceonFUj9kVVehQD9IiU-_1OZ7cOKRYhY3yR6QyReFe8UifXeyTXY3A5juL5XXgDTSWQo6GbVjZzOzaU4xxkRDHGLCwiuiC24J-ehQ_Tv01YU/s320/Me+w+Spec+bonding%2521.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrpOUxhUQd20TffOdlyR6dkOdo3LZPtIUk0JV6pIZ2YdPsVOlhYyZ217jRXoQ_fzJWqqdjkC9JGZuvBloVNw5E5GdAaG8VyIzoHHMQKluZT0-Gu6b7enKJ5PlGCDq-4at4wu-43HLb0gA/s1600/Bob+at+Play.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="174" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjrpOUxhUQd20TffOdlyR6dkOdo3LZPtIUk0JV6pIZ2YdPsVOlhYyZ217jRXoQ_fzJWqqdjkC9JGZuvBloVNw5E5GdAaG8VyIzoHHMQKluZT0-Gu6b7enKJ5PlGCDq-4at4wu-43HLb0gA/s320/Bob+at+Play.jpg" width="320" /></a></div><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">Anyway, about the addiction piece I am so happy that I am here on this earth still even though its so not easy for me yet. Now I can perhaps shed light onto this deadly problem and the deep denial within the addict/alcoholics that keeps them lying and keeps them using. </div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;"></div><div class="MsoNormal" style="margin: 0cm 0cm 0pt; text-align: justify;">There is really nothing you can do for a person who does not stay clean or get help. Sometimes you have to way the pros and cons ie. Do you really need this person in your life or are you going to start letting go of them and taking care of YOU!</div>Yogimehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08026994531948096120noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856095584440746539.post-15698522218735170792009-12-23T07:51:00.001-05:002010-03-12T21:23:16.772-05:00Moved Journal Site Back To The Old Site...I have temporarily or permanently moved back to my<i> Livejournal</i> site at: <br />
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<a href="http://yogime1230.livejournal.com/">http://yogime1230.livejournal.com/</a>Yogimehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08026994531948096120noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856095584440746539.post-68652886549954257622009-12-21T15:30:00.006-05:002009-12-22T07:59:44.517-05:00A New Bed, My New Occupational Therapist And A New Me????<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2zYNPr0e45bI3ncGwWSbPIJkTx04E7iWpeH4EidVd5V7rwAolkYbomXWT0-dF7CN6GC-O-Jd0QYYlZiqRSNLeGFVp1BZQi6LigaUNz1oVtGmbS_0XG9GZ0wW2_LmAnF6HHnW9-qr3ODE/s1600-h/New+bed+w+Featuring+Speckle.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" ps="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh2zYNPr0e45bI3ncGwWSbPIJkTx04E7iWpeH4EidVd5V7rwAolkYbomXWT0-dF7CN6GC-O-Jd0QYYlZiqRSNLeGFVp1BZQi6LigaUNz1oVtGmbS_0XG9GZ0wW2_LmAnF6HHnW9-qr3ODE/s320/New+bed+w+Featuring+Speckle.JPG" /></a><br />
</div>I like! <br />
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My new bed, that is. It's somewhere between soft and firm. A well balanced bed then, yes :-P? <br />
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I have taken a picture to show y'all because there is something that seems a bit weird to me. I feel it's very high off the ground and I was thinking at first that I might need a little step ladder to get up to my bed, hehe. <br />
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I am 5'1 peeps! Not so tall and I not so short I suppose but ya know...<br />
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I know I took this pic without making my bed but it's hard when you have 4 cats and 3 of them like to sleep on my bed or Kerri's bed or anywhere for that matter. I don't want to bother the cats unless absolutely necessary i.e. if they are laying on me and the phone rings and it's a waaaaay over there somewhere. Kerri thinks I am being ridiculous letting the cats do whatever they want but whateva :-D!<br />
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Today I met my <em>Occupational Therapist </em>Charrie for the first time. She gave me homework, yip. I don't mind homework though. I usually get stuff like that completed pretty fast. I feel good doing homework because I feel like it is the key to my future <em>cureness</em>! It doesn't really work that way though. It does help me to focus on something positive and ya know every little bit helps, right?<br />
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After Charrie left my case-manager Jenn, who was also at the meeting with Charrie, took me to <em>Rainbow,</em> a vegetarian health food store. <em>Rainbow </em>is a vegetarian health food store in Ottawa's west end. Jenn stayed with me in the store, as promised for this one time only. <br />
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I even got a $10 discount because I am a member (this is free) and after you buy a certain amount of groceries price-wise they offer you that discount. Thing is you don't know when you will get the discount because it's not on your bill. Kerri and I wondered if they actually would give out the discount but now we know. I've been shopping there for 5 months. <br />
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I especially wanted and found some organic garlic to <em>finally </em>make humus! So, I'm pretty much all set for the next week at least, hehe. Jenn showed me that you can actually tell if a garlic is going bad as my last garlic had gone bad and I didn't even know it until I opened it. Tami explained that if you touch a garlic and they are gone mushy (you really have to press in all the <em>clovey</em> grooves too) then they have gone bad. This is the only way you can tell apparently but better then no way at all. Some of the peel on the garlic looked brown but Jenn said colour doesn't matter...good to know!Yogimehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08026994531948096120noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856095584440746539.post-4657364720123144472009-12-20T16:47:00.003-05:002009-12-20T20:42:41.674-05:00No Need To Blow Up My Bed Anymore :-P!When I moved in with Kerri back in July, she had been living here for years so the place was fully furnished. My step-dad Jim bought me some book shelves and I was set. I used an air mattress over the box spring of the old mattress to sleep. It was comfortable. Kerri's daughter hope uses the bed mattress and but that's all she needed so I didn't need to buy a bed that is until the air mattress, or air mattress number 2 sprang a leak. Kerri thinks that Taters the cat was clawing at it and punctured the 2 I was using one after another. He looks sweet and innocent but, you never know....<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNol5AbDy5qTXLJ-Am31HIXPjfagHt9Wuc95RBMz5HklHYWwVFCCiY7rJabA2QbuOe3Dnuez62MFGmn7fEt0yN5ALos9M51FO6b2UDuVCGKlI2x0VX8nIaKniXIGqGRojlS2LXDDdxz1M/s1600-h/Speckle+on+my+old+box+spring.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" ps="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiNol5AbDy5qTXLJ-Am31HIXPjfagHt9Wuc95RBMz5HklHYWwVFCCiY7rJabA2QbuOe3Dnuez62MFGmn7fEt0yN5ALos9M51FO6b2UDuVCGKlI2x0VX8nIaKniXIGqGRojlS2LXDDdxz1M/s320/Speckle+on+my+old+box+spring.JPG" /></a><br />
</div>Today Kerri and I no longer need to blow up my mattress at night because <em>Sleep Country </em>delivered me my own mattress and box spring, yay! It's a twin but I prefer that because I like more floor space. <br />
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As you can see Speckle approved of the upright position that Kerri and I had put Hope's box spring mattress. She likes to be up high, hehe.<br />
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Unfortunately Kerri has been fatigued the last 4 days with a terrible cold. Wonderful eh? Kerri gets time off work and a well deserved break but can't much enjoy it yet. <br />
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Even with this fatiguing cold Kerri took me shopping to the superstore. She really just needed some more OJ and I told her not to worry about shopping but she managed with no complaints. Awww, thanks sweetie!<br />
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We both got some more food especially fruit and stuff. I stocked up on more unsweetened chocolate; <em>Sole, </em>and a few other things. <br />
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Tomorrow my case-manager is taking me to the health food store where there is a better selection of organic food. I have to say that the superstore has quite a nice organic selection though and I know other grocery stores and selling more and more organic these days. If we buy it they order more for us oftentimes at cheaper prices then health food stores :-). <br />
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Eating makes me feel good. I guess this is a no brainer though, hehe. Kerri said I use to eat the same thing everyday and that it was painful to watch. It is true that I was worried about getting all the calcium I needed while not having pasteurized milk products as per diet rules. I also didn't know a whole lot about cooking and being spontaneous because I didn't cook that much before hand. Now having figured it out more I have so much to choose from and it's fun to eat!<br />
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Tonight for dinner I had my <em>Sole</em>. <em>Sole </em>is highly beneficial for my O blood type on this diet. Although I have eaten <em>Sole</em> at buffets, this is the first time I have cooked it on my own (Kerri offered some advice also). I dressed it up with a tomato sauce thingy. I am always excited to find new things to eat on this <em>O Blood Type Diet </em>:-).Yogimehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08026994531948096120noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856095584440746539.post-29239991397625396152009-12-19T17:23:00.001-05:002009-12-20T07:22:28.820-05:00Anatomy Of Cat vs. Field Mouse...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6Ra1aLUTJkevri6_S1ITNq1bOAnDsucO6PVaS8IHifru3-TPq7Bjb6fzGnRT46JS_Lvvko6rOTFHDF3j1mHoWY7GH3AA55lVZsUEriTuLGgPvloe-5DsQHUlHO09b1wd2KbDJS0tz85k/s1600-h/Speckle+wants+a+snack!.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" ps="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEh6Ra1aLUTJkevri6_S1ITNq1bOAnDsucO6PVaS8IHifru3-TPq7Bjb6fzGnRT46JS_Lvvko6rOTFHDF3j1mHoWY7GH3AA55lVZsUEriTuLGgPvloe-5DsQHUlHO09b1wd2KbDJS0tz85k/s320/Speckle+wants+a+snack!.JPG" /></a><br />
</div>I really didn't want to post this picture but this is typical cat behaviour as I came across the scene of Speckle the cat vs. mouse last evening. <br />
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I'm not afraid of much. The way I think of it there is nothing really poisonous in Canada and I have my guard cat to first alert me to a mouse presense so all is good. <br />
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I have found that Speckle is more interested in mice then the rest of the 3 cats I have lived with in my life. The same goes for the 3 cats that I currently live with. Other cats don't seem to bother with these cute looking little mice. We do feed our cats! But Speckle, yep! She is intense. Speckle tends to sit in a spot for an hour even if I have turfed the mouse outside. What is Speckle thinking? Does she think that the same mouse will come back knowing she is still there?<br />
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It's not like this cute little mouse was intentionally letting his presense be known. He was hiding under a suitcase in Kerri's bedroom on the 2nd floor of our split level house. I did suspect something was up when Speckle was starring at the suitcase for quite sometime. Mice are silly to come into a house with 4 cats. They can smell cats just as cats can hear/ smell them. Lucky for this little field mouse Speckle seemed to just want to observe and chase him but not actually eat him for dinner. I guess cats do have a history of playing with their prey and tormenting them...<br />
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So, I put the little field mouse that it was in a bucket and dumped it outside in the snow. I hope he lives but Kerri says he will die. Sad, the poor little thing was so nervous and cute. I kind of wanted to adopt him too! <br />
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I am a carnivore who is a wannabe vegetarian because I can't stand the idea of killing animals. But I realize that organic meat/ fish has a lot of good iron/ calcium/ tryptophan in it for me so I just let someone else kill it ;-0 and pretend that it was never once alive and cute.<br />
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Today Kerri and I were cleaning the house. It had to be done. I don't mind it. Kerri found that I missed a few sticky spots on the coffee table, oops (I assume it was me eating honey or dipping my apple in maple syrup)! <br />
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We did let Spock out again. Kerri said it was fine since we don't need to give him his 2nd <em>worm pill</em> for 2 weeks. I wanted to keep him in longer as he still seems uncomfortable with the other cats. But he is an outdoor cat and he always returns. He's a nice little guy - affectionate around people :-).Yogimehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08026994531948096120noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856095584440746539.post-39027683502618256352009-12-18T13:44:00.000-05:002009-12-18T13:44:19.892-05:00Teaching Speckle That I Still Love Her As Much As Spock Might Work.....Last night I kept waking up with the fear that I had lost Spock our new cat Spock :-O! <br />
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I had let Spock out yesterday an hour after he had gotten his shots and it's been over 24 hours and he only returned 25 hours later. I have no idea why he disappeared since the little bugger has been guarding our house since the summer and rarely wandering. Anywhoo, he is back and I love him. We started him on his 1st de-worming pill and he gobbled it up like it was a yummy thing to eat, lol. He doesn't need another pill for 14 days. <br />
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Kerri has suggested that we leave Spock inside the rest of the day so that he can learn to feel comfortable inside the house with our other cats. I am discovering that this is a really good plan. Spock is still highly amused at looking at his reflection in the mirror and I do think he is happy with us. He is very affectionate anyway and he is also slowly getting more comfy being around our cats. He is discovering an interest in the catnip pillows and even Speckles catnip blanket while yesterday he showed no interest in catnip. Perhaps he was too nervous. <br />
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Speckle, in the meantime, is mad at me and that Spock is taking away her attention (yes cats do have feelings and personalities, hehe). So, I am trying to spend more time with her and all of our cats especially Tate, Speckle and Spock. Bob is 16 and sleeps most of the time anyway. <br />
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I am thrilled that Spock came home to us. I am sure Speckle will come around. She was angry at me when I first brought her to Kerri's too. Speckle does have a temper as she doesn't tolerate change well AT ALL. She is very much like me in that sense although she was that way when we got her at a year and a half so I didn't have anything to do with that ;-). <br />
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I think since I understand Speckle it was good that I have her and that she chose me. She was so comfy, quiet and well behaved sitting in my arms that first time I held her at the pet store :-). I know now that it was a good thing that I didn't introduce Speckle to any other cats right away before I got to bond with her a bit...<br />
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Another thing I am happy about today is that I took another risk :-). Not only did I drive to the end of our dead end street as I had been doing for the past 3 days, but today I took my car to the main road (60km that turns into 80km). I drove to the gas station about 2 minutes away. It's another stepping stone though! I should have been wearing sunglasses, but it was a good experience. Yeah I was a bit nervous, but it wasn't so bad. Oh, and then I told Kerri about it when she got off from her am run and she says 'Did you notice the black ice?' I nealy panicked. 'What black ice? The roads were all clear!' I said. <br />
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If I had known there was black ice I think I would have stayed on our road, lol! Kerri says there is always black ice in the winter time so I will have to be careful driving and I was :-). Luckily there was not much traffic and since we are out in the coutry often the roads are kinda quiet.<br />
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I have been happy for the past 4 days. This is a Fall/ Winter record so far for this year! I hope I will continue to get better and at least continue to get food from the grocery/ health food stores because I think eating all the fresh fruit that I do now and having a choice for meals and yummy chocolate has something to do with my good mood. Yes eating helps as they say :-D.Yogimehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08026994531948096120noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856095584440746539.post-70021352290194239752009-12-17T12:27:00.000-05:002009-12-17T12:27:46.463-05:00And Now We Have Four Cats, Welcome Spock :-)Today Kerri and I awoke to a chilling Windchill of - 30 C. This caused some problems for Kerri work-wise. She ran out to start her bus which was plugged in all night but it wouldn't start. Our cars started fine but because Kerri's bus uses diesel fuel it's harder to start in cold weather like this. <br />
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Kerri's job sent over a guy to give her a boost but then there was something wrong with the brakes of her bus so she had to go over to the bus yard (which is luckily only 5 minutes from our home) and drive a new bus. The bus they gave her was the only spare they had for special needs kids i.e. with a wheel chair ramp. Unfortunately this bus had no heat. Now keep in mind there is a windchill of - 30 C. Also keep in mind that vehicles have that draft thing going on. And remember Kerri is driving kids to school. Poor Kerri!<br />
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When Kerri got home she had to bring poor ole Spock to the vet. This was probably Spock's first vet appointment in his life! As you can imagine the poor guy was terrified and so when the vet tech opened his cage to weigh him he shot out of his cage and off into a far room where the food was kept (as if we don't give the guy enough food to eat ;-) ). Kerri's daughter Hope had to run after him but got him back with no trouble (I seem to remember Speckle doing something like that at the vets before too).<br />
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So, Spock is fairly healthy. He has worms but we knew that. We could see the creepy crawlies on his tail from time to time. The worms die when they crawl out of the back end of him so it's not that bad contagious wise. He has oil in his ears which will need to be cleaned over time. There is tartar on his teeth so after the worms are cleared up I will brush his teeth as I do with Speckle and Bob. The cats still love me btw ;-). <br />
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Spock had all his shots and will be brought back to the vet again in 3 weeks. Kerri can do this on her own but I do offer to help her if she wants me to accompany her. <br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipVHm1ZesMozSC1zZvsTrg9mwZWfggLVsBaJrOKZwxhBLn31CgyW4cO8IWNS0bdtmBhYY4ImIiDmgnBNEsSbtaus0IOmDnp1QUy5YUrYQ3R8Gow9QUBVlWKrO04DJLYMvxuI_bsSyKQvc/s1600-h/Speckle+and+the+catnip+bag.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" ps="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEipVHm1ZesMozSC1zZvsTrg9mwZWfggLVsBaJrOKZwxhBLn31CgyW4cO8IWNS0bdtmBhYY4ImIiDmgnBNEsSbtaus0IOmDnp1QUy5YUrYQ3R8Gow9QUBVlWKrO04DJLYMvxuI_bsSyKQvc/s320/Speckle+and+the+catnip+bag.JPG" /></a><br />
</div>Kerri and Hope picked up an early Christmas present for each of our 4 cats. Here is Speckle sampling Bob's catnip pillow. She likes all of them and kinda rotates, hehe. The other cats are interested but not nearly as excited about the whole thing as Speckle. Speckle loves catnip! It doesn't make her hyper. She just likes to like it and sniff it I guess. She purrs and purrs though and rolls from one side to the other...<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvA-C1O5TWdE2lqHLjXAorU23-QA59J0jZOTEr5btXmmwZivQ770REWKqedvaoSWO7ZYs0FhbfqqW5Rz7E4cOg2WB6bzeaccChkvhzUmr1ULgVt7pvnOrQ8gcbw95haGh-Vf_tUw_7j-U/s1600-h/Spock+discoving+himself.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; cssfloat: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" ps="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgvA-C1O5TWdE2lqHLjXAorU23-QA59J0jZOTEr5btXmmwZivQ770REWKqedvaoSWO7ZYs0FhbfqqW5Rz7E4cOg2WB6bzeaccChkvhzUmr1ULgVt7pvnOrQ8gcbw95haGh-Vf_tUw_7j-U/s320/Spock+discoving+himself.JPG" /></a><br />
</div>I am excited that the vet has said Spock can mingle with our other cats. So, here he is extremely fascinated by his on reflection. It's as if he has never seen a mirror before! Kerri suspects he has been an outdoor cat all of his life. I think he likes being inside with all of us people and the other cats though. <br />
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I love cats so I'm all excited about our new addition :-D.Yogimehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08026994531948096120noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856095584440746539.post-38504993262052647332009-12-16T20:08:00.003-05:002009-12-16T22:49:30.188-05:00-15 C And No Heat! Is That Even Allowed In This Day And Age?????Today one of my <em>Facebook</em> friends shared this awesome song/ video called <em>Straight Through My Heart</em> by <em>Backstreet Boys</em>. <br />
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<a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5Dc14h_3W0">http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5Dc14h_3W0</a><br />
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It's a love song (I think, lol). Even if you don't love someone it's a happy and upbeat song! Weird video, but music can truly alter my mood if even for a few moments...<br />
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I love Kerri SOOOOOOO much. Even when we fight I love her. Sometimes I just get frustrated with the living arrangements and want to move out because of my fear of driving. I do feel frustrated about not having independence and being able to grab a bus for transportation but I never want to break-up with Kerri, ever! <br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2wuzsQK-R7sHuHCfEvQ4ZAXaUyQPAW4qVc34wrZPu8ZO5mT45UPovMKod9fE84pN_85ACW7f_eOfrH2Z39qGn0uq8YVzAPHq5RAlPyTc-qiHsjDgcbEP8S6D4_uP1kdrG2uCLeTKpguQ/s1600-h/Yep+it%27s+a+snowing.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" ps="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj2wuzsQK-R7sHuHCfEvQ4ZAXaUyQPAW4qVc34wrZPu8ZO5mT45UPovMKod9fE84pN_85ACW7f_eOfrH2Z39qGn0uq8YVzAPHq5RAlPyTc-qiHsjDgcbEP8S6D4_uP1kdrG2uCLeTKpguQ/s320/Yep+it%27s+a+snowing.JPG" /></a><br />
Today I almost panicked but didn't :-D. Our power went out for 25 minutes. Its -15 C outside, snowy and we had no heat during the outage!<br />
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I was starving because as usual I get caught up in projects (talking to people on <em>Facebook </em>mostly) and don't eat until I'm about ready to faint. I wanted a hot lunch too but luckily I was just finished heating up my salmon when the power went out. So I was eating my lunch thinking we ran out of firewood last week. What are we going to do? <br />
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Kerri was calm, as usual. She went over to the neighbours to see if they had power. They didn't. Kerri had forgotten that the doorbell doesn't work during a power outage. Lucky she also knocked. <br />
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We are such opposites, it's cute:-). It worked well though because since Kerri was calm then I was also pretty calm. We didn't even need to grab a blanket or anything because the house stayed warm fpr the full 25 minutes without heat/ power. I had envisioned myself hiding out in my car with the heat on, hehe. <br />
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We didn't know what to do with ourselves for a bit there because there was no computer or TV access, hehe....<br />
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So, tomorrow's the day that little Spock goes to the vet for possibly the first time in his life and he is an adult cat. We already have him in the <em>cat room </em>so he doesn't go out and not come back. Cats have a way of knowing when it's vet time! <br />
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Spock has had it pretty good this winter. He was allowed in the house and into the cat room but we let him go back outside as he pleased. Speckle and Tate have accepted him as a part of the family which is sweet but Bob the cat is a bit miffed. But then Bob is 16 and not good with change.<br />
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Anywhoo, I hope the vet bill won't be more then we have expected. Kerri is paying and taking him on as her cat but also knowing he is used to being an outdoor cat so he probably will be out more then in. I have found he has hung around the outside of the house a lot in the past few months, so, who, knows he will probably want the best of both worlds, eh <em>Spockaroo</em>????Yogimehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08026994531948096120noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856095584440746539.post-68371792197813093302009-12-15T10:50:00.000-05:002009-12-15T10:50:24.202-05:00Adding Structure Is Key - Uh Oh, Work Ahead In Therapy, Shhhhh!I had my second appointment with my therapist Cindy this morning. I always get to near panic mode before a new therapist or case-manager type person in the beginning. I know I will be telling my life story over again in the space of an hour and it does bring out some of the pain. I'm also worried about someone else caring about me oddly enough. Maybe I am just so use to protecting others, hum.<br />
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So, I was running around making relaxation tea, valerian and putting lavender oil under my nostrils. I was still panicky though. My relaxation herbs are very mild so what can you do? It did help to chat with Cindy about what I was feeling though and so that maybe someday I can better control my anxiety like I was able to with my therapist Anne. <br />
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I was telling Cindy that I really want to get to the underlying issue of what is causing my fear/ panic/anxiety. I told her that a couple of years back I did yoga nearly everyday (except for like 2) for eleven months and was still getting anxiety and depression (although less). I don't want to get into another <em>boot camp </em>regiment while still have mental health issues that are severe enough to hurt me, NOOOO I don't!<br />
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Cindy gave me homework. I am to do 5 minutes of exercise (running in the spot or dancing to fast tunes - likely all alone in my bedroom as this is embarrassing) and 10 minutes of meditation. She also told me to write a 3 day food plan because I need to eat on a regular basis and I have trouble figuring out what to eat even though I am hungry. <br />
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I'm not sure about the food plan bit. I like to eat what I want when I want but Cindy says that I need to do<em> mechanical eating</em>. Mechanical eating is eating food even though you don't feel like eating. Yuck! That's like forcing me to go to my volunteer job or shopping even though I'm wrecked with anxiety or depression! NOOOOOO, meh! <br />
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I told Cindy I would start with the daily meditation and exercise. It's a start :-D.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnd461-qU0z6nxWz2CDrJtB5hCjGFkWTDxU6Y97-oleXPk_BaZ69hRytm3xJXdTZPSIEP_St-Y1MlmlFlV_sFrzSy7XscumSKUVnVVFASTyYoqSC9ZLzUv34P47_b4SE6RAVUPHz_ahnc/s1600-h/Spock+in+his+cat+house.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" ps="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjnd461-qU0z6nxWz2CDrJtB5hCjGFkWTDxU6Y97-oleXPk_BaZ69hRytm3xJXdTZPSIEP_St-Y1MlmlFlV_sFrzSy7XscumSKUVnVVFASTyYoqSC9ZLzUv34P47_b4SE6RAVUPHz_ahnc/s320/Spock+in+his+cat+house.JPG" /></a><br />
</div>I think I will be out snow shovelling again at some point as it has been snowing yesterday and today again (this counts as exercise :-D). The cats are not amused about the snow. Well, Spock our semi-adopted cat likes it but he has been outside for who knows how long. He just showed up one day in the summer and has never left so we take him and quarantine him to the <em>cat room</em> until we get him dewormed and all fixed. <br />
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Kerri is taking Spock to the vet on the 17th. Our other cats don't seem to mind him so much now that he comes in the house on occasion. I hope Bobby the dog will behave himself in February if we decide to keep Spock. Bobby the dog use to go bananas whenever he saw Spock at the window....Yogimehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08026994531948096120noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856095584440746539.post-67774477045229358282009-12-14T15:50:00.005-05:002009-12-14T22:09:39.205-05:00I'm Guessing I Have A.D.D - Heck What's One More Label? LOL.I'm not sure why staff Katie at my volunteer job likes me to call in sick still. I have been calling in sick for most of the past 2 1/2 months and she knows I'm on sabbatical :-P! But I think its nice and also a good motivator to get well. She knows what's going on for me and seems very caring about the whole thing. She is a really caring person to everyone it seems. Sweet....<br />
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I did try to do some self-care today which has become a rarity except for ingesting herbal stuff (but I did that too - not what you are thinking but...). I first started just at the computer while browsing <em>Twitter</em> profiles and<em> Facebook</em> groups. I started breathing out rapidly. This breathing is called <em>breath of fire.</em> I learned this in yoga. It does feel good and wakes you up a bit, lol. Then I was reading on my Yoga forum on <em>Facebook</em> this one person was having anxiety and yoga was not enough so people were suggesting meditation. So I did 10 minutes of a sitting meditation. <br />
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After the 10 minutes were up I felt such endorphins from the concentration and constant deep breathing. It was sweet. I wanted to meditate all day, lol, but then I also want to do a million other things and it's good to start at mediation bit by bit, or so I heard...<br />
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I have been hearing from different people that I may have A.D.D (attention deficit disorder) so I have started telling people that I may have it. I know in grade school ever since I was 6 I was told I had a learning disability. They called it a visual tracking problem. In university the learning specialist explained my problem for the first time. She said that when I am reading I unconsciously space out and miss things. I even do that on this blog while proof reading. It's really embarrassing! Thing is though I don't only space out while reading. I do it all the time. So I think its A.D.D. I have joined a <em>Facebook </em>group for A.D.D and they are telling my story, so, ya know.<br />
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I was thinking about being retested a few years back but it's $1500 for the test and since there is some much else going on for me that could be causing this problem i.e. the lithium has made it worse, my ptsd, my general anxiety is usually quite high and I am even have had possible head injury from birth because of my hydrocephalus and the lack of treatment I got for it in the beginning. I have been tested for head injury but this was years ago and they didn't have all the testing faculties that they now do. So, I will have to just diagnose myself. Okie dokie????<br />
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I was proud of myself today because I drove!!! Well, I drove down our small dead end street that is, lol. I got a good idea of how driving on pure snow feels like. I have driven on pure snow before. It's a bit <em>slippy</em>, yep! I try to avoid snowy days and then usually the main roads clear up soon after a snow fall.<br />
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I am taking care of my car though. I clear the snow off of it and let it run everyday or every other day. It's like one of my children :-P. I can't drive any further at the moment until my anxiety calms down because if i left our quiet dead-end street there is a country road where the cars boot along at 60 km an hour! NOOOOO thanks :-D. Well someday but but sloooowly....Yogimehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08026994531948096120noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-4856095584440746539.post-86422124015613845172009-12-13T18:34:00.001-05:002009-12-13T21:49:17.868-05:00You Know You Live In The Country When Your Girlfriend Comes In With Deer Antlers, lol...<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNuhcLCTZ6EpSSz7ZBUrnzcMJdY2QiFTDSILukt-Wy1ArvE6lkJjG-oosNTZPsWlx4upgEROxsMsGxyyH8VIviZFNDb_UXv2qGGM2pMqHynRUBTOBD92wTZQ8O224q8Ztkx-nGAxmqRGQ/s1600-h/Deer+Deer+Antlers+Kerri+found+on+our+property.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; cssfloat: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" ps="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgNuhcLCTZ6EpSSz7ZBUrnzcMJdY2QiFTDSILukt-Wy1ArvE6lkJjG-oosNTZPsWlx4upgEROxsMsGxyyH8VIviZFNDb_UXv2qGGM2pMqHynRUBTOBD92wTZQ8O224q8Ztkx-nGAxmqRGQ/s320/Deer+Deer+Antlers+Kerri+found+on+our+property.JPG" /></a><br />
</div>You know you live in the country when your girlfriend walks out the front door and comes back in with deer antlers!<br />
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Yep, the antlers were shed by some deer on our property. Speckle, of course, had to give them a good sniff over. Our other cats didn't seem bothered but you see Speckle had never seen these before because she is a city cat! I mean, we got her at when she was 1 1/2 half, but ya know...<br />
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So, I have been feeling happy for the past couple of days. My anxiety is still over the roof so I'm still suffering in that sense but I'm reaching out on-line and meeting others with Agoraphobia and some have worked with an Occupational Therapist to try to heal but as my case-manager Jenn says you can slip back into Agoraphobia and to being housebound. I'm hoping my homeopathic remedies and therapy can help get to the underlying issue of what is causing my fear so that I can have more fun in life and not just fun in my house being silly...<br />
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I did manage to go out shopping today. Kerri took me to get my own mattress and box spring as the Tate must have chewed or punctured the air mattress I have been using (and the one before it). I will have it on the 20th of December (my brother's birthday). Until then I will be OK. There is still air in the mattress I am using but I may have to keep blowing it up every night, damn cat!<br />
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Kerri and I also went for food shopping and I stocked up on whatever I could. The roads were <em>baaaad</em> because we were in the midst of a 5 cm snowfall but Kerri didn't seem to mind the occasional slip/ slide. She told me it was fun. I know if that happened to me my anxiety would be awful. Kerri drives for a living though and has been driving daily for years. <br />
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I learned something new today. Red chili peppers are waaaay hotter then green ones. I put one on my tongue all cut up an hour ago and my lips are still burning. I just put it in my mouth. No biting. It was wild. I'm not sure how I'm supposed to eat them and I love hot food!<br />
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But on a serious note, I was scared out in the car even just as a passenger. I know this is probably because I was not occupying myself. I noticed I was breathing very shallow. My breath seemed to go up and down my neck and not at all into my chest or tummy. This is not good but it's the typical way I breathe outside these days or sometimes even in the house. I just have to do what I can do to get out and shop or if need be get Kerri to shop for me. Kerri and I were suppose to go out tonight to a Christmas party to an organization I belong to but I cancelled because of anxiety. I guess that doesn't surprise anyone...<br />
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So I do the things I need to do and not all of the things I want. Will my agoraphobia end soon? I just take it day by day. What else can I do? I am happy though these last couple of days. Oh, and I saw a Rudolph Car. It was a car with antlers coming up from the driver/ passenger doors and then on the front of the car was a red nose. Nothing surprises me, lol!Yogimehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08026994531948096120noreply@blogger.com0