When Numbness Isn't A Choice

I was chatting with my mental health worker Jenn yesterday about how I feel numb all the time and that this had been going on as long as I can remember. Jenn said it is normal because I have had trauma starting at birth. So this numbness is not really a choice. It's like being on a really scary roller-coaster where your hands are so tight on the bar you can't unclench them without it hurting. The last thing you want is to hurt. I can function. This numbness helps me feel safe. But it’s also frustrating because sometimes I want to ‘wake-up’ and I feel I need to hide out of fear of panic attacks and anxiety I guess.

‘Hiding’ for me has been quite common these last couple of years. As I think back to what I did to get so agoraphobic for instance, I think of how a few years back I was doing yoga daily and practicing stills to self soothe on a regular basis. It was pretty ritualized and obsessive-like unfortunately. My goal was to cure myself of mental illness, to be ‘normal’ and go far in life. This plan hasn’t panned out, yet.

I ended up stopping all the ritualized self-care rather abruptly because I started having panic attacks during my at home yoga DVD sessions. I was even having attacks during bubble baths. As I think back I wonder if maybe I ‘should’ have pushed through and embraced this shift as stuff coming out the way it was supposed to. Maybe this would have been a way of empowering me and helping my self-confidence eventually. Or maybe I needed to stop and go inside myself a bit.

I have been having vivid dreams in the last few weeks. These dreams are of having grand mal seizures over and over again or having committed a violent act and having the cops after me. I have woken up after dreams of hearing screaming then fearing I am going to end up in the loony bin! It’s been eight years since I’ve been in-patient and I really want to keep it that way!  When I told Jenn about the dreams she told me it was the Bowen therapy, the body work I have been doing. That’s what I had been thinking.

I have missed the last two weeks of Bowen because two weeks ago my Bowen Practitioner Casey had the flu and then I had a really bad cold this week…But we will get back on track. I am also wondering if my 3 colds since February are Bowen’s doing since I had successfully outwitted (very proud too grinning from ear to ear) my mom’s flu and cold and my step-dad’s two colds between November and January. Yet when starting Bowen I have been sick most of the time since. Maybe I jinxed myself through my overconfidence, LOL…we all need to be humbled sometimes, no?

It was at this time and with my Homeopath Terrance that things were shifting inside of my mind. I had lost the rage I had carried with me all of my life. Unfortunately now I didn’t feel like doing anything except watching television and staying around the house.  Terrance seemed to think this was just a normal state of the process that would pass but here I am 2 ½ years later and I’m still sitting at home, nesting. The cats love it though…

I’ll start again, slowly, to try to figure out what I can do that is doable. I have started a second twitter paper on paper li. Called “Learning Self-Love Daily.” Here is the link: http://paper.li/remedyke/1330539184.  There are tons of articles on the subject. I choose the search settings but don’t write the articles. I love this topic because so many people who are excellent at taking care of others are not as good at taking care of their own mind/body (myself included, of course)….but it’s a process. I fell off the wagon but I can get back on again. It won’t be quick. I still hold a lot of fear in my body/mind but I will figure out a workable goal in time…

Maybe I Should Care....

Today I have been feeling drugged up and drowsy. This happened even without taking my second dose of calming remedy during the day but I feel it's still the remedy at work.

I had a phone session with my therapist Haley this afternoon. Haley says I am just covering up for the pain I feel inside by accepting this feeling of numbness. Haley says I should be worrying that there is something 'wrong' with me. She says I should at least care because I use to care about things and this is not me!

So, upon pondering about what Haley has been telling me, I do feel that I am having a hard time living with Kerri and her daughter. I have social anxiety and I hide in my room a lot. I do try to come out but my anxiety rises and I feel awkward and uncomfortable. I have pretty much given up my yoga and other forms of self care that I use to thrive on.

I don't know how to act around Kerri's daughter Hope so I don't say much. I feel like I am inferring when I am home with Kerri and Hope. I feel like maybe I just get in the way sometimes. I certainly am of no use to Hope being unable to drive her places. We all eat different diets, Kerri, Hope and I so I don't cook for Hope and rarely for Kerri...

I could have called my homeopath, Terrance, for an appointment before our monthly appointment this Thursday. But I welcome this tired, drugged up feeling because it's true I don't know how else to cope with stress at this time.

So maybe on Thursday I will get another remedy, maybe not quite as strong, that will help me and perk me back into reality. I do want to get out and get back to my volunteer jobs and do my own food shopping. I want also to be calm and mellow though. Are both possible?

The Tree Pose....

This morning I did a 40 minute yoga DVD. I have about 12 yoga DVDs. Most are Hatha. Some are relaxing and others are power yoga or Ashtanga. Most DVDs have multiple classes :-D.

I do love yoga and yet I have been neglecting it because there is no time or I am too tired etc...

On the the right I am posing in the tree pose. I can do this pose easily now on my right foot. My left foot is a little more shaking but that's OK. In yoga many people are better on one side over the other. Of course it helps if you are in bare feet, on a yoga mat and looking at a spot on the wall or something not moving. As I was staring at Kerri taking the picture I fell out a few times, lol...

When I was newer at yoga I sometimes had small classes. Sometimes I was the only on in the class or the only one who showed up. I would tell the instructor(s) how much I hated the Tree Pose and then I was miffed that that pose would show up in each of our classes. I hated the Tree Pose because I could not hold the pose at all!!! But now I know that continuous practice is what has made me more confident to do almost any yoga pose.

Some poses I didn't think I would ever be able to do as I can cross my legs but that's where my flexibility use to end. I have completely given up on trying the half lotus or full lotus position as I believe that's what got my knee out of whack this summer. It's better now. I didn't find the physio exercises did anything nor the cold compress on the knee. The only thing that seemed to help after 2 months was the remedy my Homeopath gave me. It's weird how it was bringing out stuff on my right side only and then it was gone, hehe...And yes Homeopathy usually takes 2 - 3 months to correct stuff but I'm still waiting to see what it can do to rid me of anxiety and depression...WAITING that is....

So maybe I should consider doing some more self care. I have been neglecting self care and only existing but this doesn't seem to have gotten me anywhere at all....

So I shall work hard to be good to me and love me. My Homeopath, Terrance, says to deep breeeeathe for 5 minutes each day. This is just to remind myself to do it all the time I suppose. Terrance says I need to push out the anger and anxiety through punching a pillow. I usually prefer to Karate chop the air. I did take Karate as a teen and quit when I was ready to take my Green Belt test. The tests got pricier and pricier as one moved up and I was gonna quit anyway so, ya know...A few Karate Chops never hurt the air though, lol...

Henna Me Red!!

It's raining out and the annual picnic for the organization for people with disabilities that Kerri(y)'s and I were suppose to go to is NOT cancelled! It's been raining since 4am though so we are not going. It rained on the picnic date last year too and they did cancel it, but whatever! It's suppose to rain all day with 18 C for the high. I don't know if many people will agree to that!

Kerri and I were suppose to go out regardless and meet up with Kerry but I was in tears this am telling Kerri I needed a day of rest; cuddling; yoga and massage. Stuff to take down my severe anxiety. I did write a letter to myself as a five year old this morning. I guess I feel I should nurture myself more and not go-go-go as is my pattern. Why? This pattern is not good for me until I can get a handle of my anxiety. I hope I can get healed from my anxiety sooner then later. I end up cancelling so many things and this is a disappointment to me. I don't feel I have any choice in the matter at this point.

As a student in high school and first year University, I never missed school due to anxiety or depression. I had the drive to succeed! I wanted a great job; possibly a family with kids; a nice house (Kerri and I have a great rental home though) and lots of moola! Unfortunately I was burnt out at 20! I am so tired of this fight and push. I need to figure out how to live with myself and be happy - not grumpy. I need to be relaxed and not tense and fearful. I do hang on to hope though. I am sooo happy Kerri will be in it for the long haul for me. I do love her sooo much! I will be healed! I know I will!

Yesterday Kerri dyed my hair with Henna (it's all natural, of course). Here is a pic! I was hoping it was a going to be a bit brighter but it's kinda cool. It's not permanent or anything. I also had my hair cut yesterday at First Choice Hair cutters. They have the most reasonable rates I can find for females. No appointment needed and I usually don't have to wait. I had a wash and cut for $22 which included a $3 tip. I know people joke about this place but whatever, they do a good job on my hair if it's washed first. All in all it was a pretty productive day!

My 'Daughter' Does Not Climb Rooftops!!!

Today I have been trying to resurrect myself...I have been so burnt out lately I have resorted to staying on the property I share with Kerri and her daughter Hope for almost a week and yes I did have stuff I was suppose to do! Kerri was helping me with shopping though and I was working in the garden doing some power-weeding as there is/ was a jungle of weeks everywhere!!!


My morning started out with Kerri madly running into my bedroom saying 'Your cat is crazy! You won't believe what she was doing!!!'

I hadn't a clue, but she showed me the pics...I had seen other cats on rooftops but thought that my 'daughter' would never do a thing like that!!!!



Here on the left is how she got onto the roof. She took that barely visible branch that led her right to the second story of our split-level home.

Tate was evening trying to follow Speckle up the tree, oooops! Today is only his third day as an outdoor cat. He is nine months old!

Well today I have challenged myself to get back into driving take the 25 minute drive with Kerri to go shopping and grab some more stuff. I will probably get gas too although this scears me too since you have to do it yourself!

I really need to get into more regular self care. Today I had a coconut bubble bath and did yoga via DVD. It's a start...

How Cats Amuse Me...

I am feeling much better today!

Today is another shopping day and I am a bit dreading it as Kerri, Hope and I are going to Costco. Costco is a huge warehouse type store with a lot of walking involved. My knee has been giving me problems for over 2 months now and I don't like walking far because it starts to ache. I have seen a doctor and a physiotherapist and they both can feel nothing wrong and say I must have sprained it (doing the half lotus pose in yoga). I do have a magnetic tensor but I try not to use it unless necessary. I have another doctor appointment to see if I need an x-ray on it on August 26th. I am hoping I don't need an x-ray and that I can get help though homeopathy although homeopathy is sooo slow....but it can help. My homeopathy is cool with me having the x-ray since this has been going on for so long and he wasn't really aware of the gravity of the situation. I will get new homeopathic remedies in 2 days to treat it though so maybe, just maybe, I won't need that x-ray. If I get the x-ray I will need to be detoxed off of it though and that means I may get huge anger or feel stoned...it's very weird and I'm quiet sensitive but then I am trying to heal my life with alternative methods so let's see what happens....

Kerri and I had a bit of a fright last evening as this skunk smell wafted into our house even though the windows and doors were all shut. My cat Speckle was out and we were worried that she got sprayed!!!! Fortunately Speckle came in a few hours later unscathed, phew! She knows better then to mess with a skunk!

And finally I do want to show you how cats amuse me. Last evening Tate was helping Kerri make the bed...See how he is intensely looking at the moving sheet...too funny!

Here is Tate with his claws in the sheet...if you pull the sheet he will drag along with it! Tate is 9 months old...he's a cutie if you like cats!

Cats Like Getting Under Things/ People...

I feel like I'm coming down with a cold.

My girlfriend Kerri's daughter Hope's friend Melodie (well I gotta explain if you don't know all these peeps, lol) had a cold and has been sleeping over a few times this week. Ick! Hope got the cold and probably passed it on to me (although she was sniffing and blowing her nose and I'm not doing any of that, yet). We were all watching TV the other day when I was in and out of sleep...For me I feel mostly tired. Nevertheless, I did a yoga DVD this am. I have displayed a pic.

I should have called Kerri to take a pic of Tate the cat as he was under my legs when I was doing the half bridge pose, lol...

Here is the half bridge pose so you can kinda visualize the scene....Cats are like that though. They like to get under things/ people or over things/ people...

Kerri is so funny...check this pic of Tate out!! Tate loves to play and play. So Kerri decided to tie the cat's leather string around Taters so that he could run around and amuse himself, hehe. After about 15 minutes even Tate was tired of this new toy idea so Kerri removed the string...but ya know...

Being Busy Is My MO...

I am so happy Kerri is home from her 4 day camping trip!!!!

I did manage OK - much better then I thought I would. I kept busy, but being busy is my MO! I am still in the process of bringing stuff over from my folks place. I have a lot o stuff! I rarely throw out stuff!

My step dad Jim bought me a nice IKEA 6 shelf book case. I love it! I had one just like it when I lived at a group home 3 years back - before I moved in with my folks again. My folks had no room to store it and they had shelf space for me so we donated it to the next tenant there...

I feel relieved that I got a lot of stuff done today and that I can rest tonight. I cooked two meals - one tofu and one beef recipe; vacuumed the carpets; swept the floors and emptied a suitcase full of books and paper cr*p (hence the full looking bookcase!)...

Now I must go as I have been craving to stand on my head for the past hour so maybe I should go do that before I loose the urge, LOL....