The Role Of A Mental Health Case-Manager, Hmm...

Okie dokie!

I think my life is moving in the right direction now! My case-manager Jenn just e-mailed me to offer me an Occupational Therapist who can help me with my shopping issue.

I have never had any long-term success in getting help with my fears. So far I have tried professional driving lessons and doing social anxiety exercises from a book.

I had been working with my past psychiatrist, Dr. Dinton, for 2 1/2 years doing individual and group therapy. Part of the individual therapy was spend reading books and doing exercises on my own but also with the doctor's support. I had been working on a book that used exposure therapy to overcome my social anxiety. Dr. Dinton eventually had to tell me to stop doing the exercises altogether because my anxiety was waaay to high.

So, I don't know if an occupational therapist is the right person to help with anxiety strategies along with my social anxiety and agoraphobia but I can try this new therapy and see what works....I'm sure this will be very scary therapy but whatever...

I know nothing about the wait times for an occupational therapist. Wait times for somethings are over a year for some specialties. So, in the meantime Jenn is not agreeing to take me shopping (I guess unless she can separate from me and do her own thing for a bit at the grocery store).

By the time I get this Occupational therapist I will hopefully be driving and doing my own shopping anyway...I have no issue with shopping on my own if I am able to control my own transportation and not have to risk panicking and not finding my ride. Is this really a shopping issue? Not even sure.

I will take what comes first and in the meantime I won't bug Kerri about shopping. We can go together even though that might take more time as our diets are very different. But, it will all work out somehow.

Yes I am annoyed with the whole process of case-management at the moment (well, have been since the start 7 1/2 years ago, lol). I just don't get what a case-manager is suppose to do. Their mandate says:

Based on the strengths model of case management delivery, ------ case managers provide individualized, flexible, and client directed support to individuals suffering from severe and persistent mental illness. The focus is upon client strengths, interests and abilities. The service is provided in the client’s environment and is portable, following the client when he/she changes housing.

...and they said they want us to be independent one day so I guess that's why we can't shop with them, meh! I wish they had clearly stated that before we got the the superstore. It's just a huge let down. Then the fear I feel is enormous! How is that suppose to help with my confidence???

When I asked for supportive counselling I was told I need to do other stuff too like get out of the house with the case-manager. I'm doing that now but yeah it took about 7 years, lol.

Case-managers have taken me to appointments and not complained but it has come to the point where I am now letting them decide what to do because I have no clue anymore and I am not interested in a fight....

NOOOO Way - I Do Not Do Exposure Therapy!!!

So I tell my case-manager Jenn that I want her to stay with me when we shop in the superstore.

Superstores are ginormous and I have this fear of losing the person who I am with if I don't see them! I am totally able to enter a superstore on my own even though I feel nervous. If I am alone I have more control. I know I can then leave whenever I need to an not have to worry about anyone else.

I know Jenn has an issue shopping with me and maybe it's a thing case-managers do so that clients learn to shop by themselves. That's what I'm told however I'm not interested in learning how to navigate a grocery store on my own. I know how to shop, read labels and ask for help when needed. I am just currently a self-proclaimed unsafe driver who has no real bus access because I live in the country. Sounds like she is trying to do some form of exposure therapy - ick! My past psychiatrist actually gave up on me on that one, lol...

I did get all the way to the superstore before Jenn had this frightening conversation with me. I thought that any objection would be antagonistic so I simply asked that we forget about shopping for today...

In all fairness to Jenn, she agreed to shop along side for today only because I'm having a rough time. This was not good enough as who knows when I will be able to drive again. I don't get it though. Aren't I always having a rough time when I have to ask for help shopping. Um, this is what I was talking to Tori and Kate, my support staff from the group home about just last Friday. Kate the coordinator of the group home was concerned about me and told Tori, my outreach worker to call me. Tori told me to pass on her e-mail address to Jenn her and to get Jenn to write back an e-mail to touch base. Tori and Kate were so sincere in trying to advocate for me so that I could along side with Jenn...That is as oppose to shopping with Jenn in absentia....

Jenn was not able to get a hold of Tori, my outreach worker now because there is no contact for any staff directly at the group home apparently. The contact numbers are for the Anglican Diocese for donations because of the fire at the home Sunday night...

Anywhoo, Jenn and I went to check out the Bird Sanctuary instead. We also went for a walk in the forest. But now most of the trees have lost there leaves so it all looks for barren but it was a nice sunny day. I wasn't really in a talking mood but it's hard when you are driving and wandering around. I find I get distracted. I did have a good phone session with my therapist Haley this week though....I know I need to talk. I am holding in so much I feel like I am crying on the inside and I still have no motivation for stuff outside the home...

As far as the shopping issue I will be OK. I am having a hard time motivation myself to eat anyway but Kerri has offered to take me shopping. I wanna make it work out here in the boonies! I do love it. There is so much nature and trails even right outside our door. I am keeping the hope as always because I know I will get better...

Time Does Heal Although Situations Ever Change Us

Okay, so the fire 2 evenings ago at my old group home is now hitting me a bit. The tears are starting to flow. The sadness feels deeper and more painful.

I feel sad that the staff, who were always there to help me out are likely not going to want to talk to me for some time. They must be so busy with mess they are now dealing with. I miss the staff.

Last week Tori and Kate, who offer phone support and advocate for my care were ready to have a chat with my case-manager, Jenn. Now I feel like I should just leave them all alone and not use my old group home as my personal distress-line. Past clients are more then welcome to call as needed and the staff are like friends to me at times. Most of them at still the same as when I lived there.

I keep thinking I just want to call them up and debrief or something. They always help me through tough times. I know that this could have happened when I was living there. I never had apartment insurance. I could have lost everything! The structural damage for this fire is estimated at $150 000 and the content damage was $50 000. This of a fire contained in one room! Of course there was water damage and smoke damage likely....

Anyone who wishes to donate can email this address:
www.ottawa.anglican.ca.

I have even been thinking how could the residents and staff watch the resident that died suffer. She must have suffered something horrible! The resident who died had 2nd and 3rd degree burns before being brought to the hospital where she died a few hours later.

How would I have handled this? How are the the residents now? Are they as torn up as I am? They must be feeling this sooo much worse! I sit here knowing that I could have been one of the residents still living there. I never planned on leaving that group home. I loved it there. I was supported by the staff. We were free to come and go as we pleased. It was a home and a lovely one at that.

Last week my outreach worker e-mailed me to invite me to 'spa day' at the group home. It was suppose to be happening in a few days. I don't know if they would even attempt it now although now is when the residents would most need it. There were all sorts of activities for the residents like that...I always politely decline invitations due to my social anxiety and now that I am in the country and transportation is an issue. It is so nice that they even invite past residents though.....

I keep thinking I should send Kate and Tori an e-mail. But what would I say? I could ask them how they are doing. Should I say I am torn up about this? No, then they would feel like they needed to help me....I will be OK...I am just going through the stages of grief over what could have been. I do that!

What I do know is I am obsessing and that I am waaaay to sensitive! I am suppose to have a counselling session today with Hayley over the phone. She was sick yesterday so I am not sure about that. I do know that what I am feeling is normal and that like everything I will get better day by day.

Things will be OK! Time does heal although situations ever change us don't they?

Maybe I Should Care....

Today I have been feeling drugged up and drowsy. This happened even without taking my second dose of calming remedy during the day but I feel it's still the remedy at work.

I had a phone session with my therapist Haley this afternoon. Haley says I am just covering up for the pain I feel inside by accepting this feeling of numbness. Haley says I should be worrying that there is something 'wrong' with me. She says I should at least care because I use to care about things and this is not me!

So, upon pondering about what Haley has been telling me, I do feel that I am having a hard time living with Kerri and her daughter. I have social anxiety and I hide in my room a lot. I do try to come out but my anxiety rises and I feel awkward and uncomfortable. I have pretty much given up my yoga and other forms of self care that I use to thrive on.

I don't know how to act around Kerri's daughter Hope so I don't say much. I feel like I am inferring when I am home with Kerri and Hope. I feel like maybe I just get in the way sometimes. I certainly am of no use to Hope being unable to drive her places. We all eat different diets, Kerri, Hope and I so I don't cook for Hope and rarely for Kerri...

I could have called my homeopath, Terrance, for an appointment before our monthly appointment this Thursday. But I welcome this tired, drugged up feeling because it's true I don't know how else to cope with stress at this time.

So maybe on Thursday I will get another remedy, maybe not quite as strong, that will help me and perk me back into reality. I do want to get out and get back to my volunteer jobs and do my own food shopping. I want also to be calm and mellow though. Are both possible?

Eating At Pizza Hut On An O Blood Type Diet, Hmmm!

I surprised myself yesterday. I went out with Kerri and her friends and their kids of all ages and I didn't even try to wiggle out of it! I go crying to Kerri about how I was too tired or do agitated to go. I wasn't upset or worried or anything! If this is the new me then I like it.

It's true my social anxiety around meeting Kerri's friends use to be sooo bad! Now it's as if I'm going to meet my own friends!

Last night one of Kerri's friend's teen son's had a birthday party at Pizza Hut. I actually eat anything at Pizza Hut because of my O blood type diet but I decided to order a garden salad and bring my own cut up chicken; Bragg's dressing and a slice of manna bread. That worked.

When Kerri's friends asked me if it was hard for me to see 'forbidden' food and not it eat, I said that it wasn't hard. I did mention though that I had an intense craving for soda pop the other week. I didn't cave because there was no pop in the house. We have some now but the craving is gone so, ya know...

People tell me they would never do a blood type diet because it is so restrictive. I understand that and the first thing I told my Homeopath, Terrance was 'I do NOT want to change my diet.' And he said that was fine. I ended up changing my diet because the remedies were bring up a lot of extreme emotions and even severe dizziness. I have found the blood type diet to actually help me but not in the huge way I was hoping i.e. to instantly to cure my anxiety. Instead, I now eat when I am depressed, while I use to starve. I don't have PMS anymore such as irritability and depression (but that stuff comes out at other times still). There are other positive things but I don't know if its' because of the homeopathy; blood type diet or other stuff...

So I do believe that blood type diets are a last resort treatment. You basically can't eat out at very many places and they are so complicated that you need a book to figure out what you can and cannot eat.

I can't eat meat or poulty out because when I tried eating chicken I got a head-ache on 2 separate occasions. I'm guessing the same would happen with eating regular beef so I only eat organic. My body is now sensitive to the hormones in regular meat or poultry. That's all I can figure.

I can eat tofu or fish though.

Salt is only allowed if it's sea salt or Himalayan salt. i.e - no table salt.

I am not eating milk or milk products because mainly because they are pasteurized.

I read on-line that table salt can leach your body of calcium. This is alright if you are drinking milk, etc. but for me I try not to have table salt ever and I really don't eat much or out of a can so I think I am doing well. I talk 1000mg of calcium in pill form and vitamin D added to my pills. I also take tissue salts. My doctor says this method is healthy. I asked for a blood test of my calcium levels although the test results were lost so I asked for a re-test.

I think I am quite healthy though.