Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Moved Journal Site Back To The Old Site...

I have temporarily or permanently moved back to my Livejournal site at:

Monday, December 21, 2009

A New Bed, My New Occupational Therapist And A New Me????

I like! 

My new bed, that is.  It's somewhere between soft and firm.  A well balanced bed then, yes :-P? 

I have taken a picture to show y'all because there is something that seems a bit weird to me.  I feel it's very high off the ground and I was thinking at first that I might need a little step ladder to get up to my bed, hehe. 

I am 5'1 peeps!  Not so tall and I not so short I suppose but ya know...

I know I took this pic without making my bed but it's hard when you have 4 cats and 3 of them like to sleep on my bed or Kerri's bed or anywhere for that matter.  I don't want to bother the cats unless absolutely necessary i.e. if they are laying on me and the phone rings and it's a waaaaay over there somewhere.  Kerri thinks I am being ridiculous letting the cats do whatever they want but whateva :-D!

Today I met my Occupational Therapist Charrie for the first time.  She gave me homework, yip.  I don't mind homework though.  I usually get stuff like that completed pretty fast.  I feel good doing homework because I feel like it is the key to my future cureness!  It doesn't really work that way though. It does help me to focus on something positive and ya know every little bit helps, right?

After Charrie left my case-manager Jenn, who was also at the meeting with Charrie, took me to Rainbow, a vegetarian health food store.  Rainbow is a vegetarian health food store in Ottawa's west end.  Jenn stayed with me in the store, as promised for this one time only. 

I even got a $10 discount because I am a member (this is free) and after you buy a certain amount of groceries price-wise they offer you that discount.  Thing is you don't know when you will get the discount because it's not on your bill.  Kerri and I wondered if they actually would give out the discount but now we know.  I've been shopping there for 5 months. 

I especially wanted and found some organic garlic to finally make humus!  So, I'm pretty much all set for the next week at least, hehe.  Jenn showed me that you can actually tell if a garlic is going bad as my last garlic had gone bad and I didn't even know it until I opened it.  Tami explained that if you touch a garlic and they are gone mushy (you really have to press in all the clovey grooves too) then they have gone bad.  This is the only way you can tell apparently but better then no way at all.  Some of the peel on the garlic looked brown but Jenn said colour doesn't matter...good to know!

Sunday, December 20, 2009

No Need To Blow Up My Bed Anymore :-P!

When I moved in with Kerri back in July, she had been living here for years so the place was fully furnished.  My step-dad Jim bought me some book shelves and I was set.  I used an air mattress over the box spring of the old mattress to sleep.  It was comfortable.  Kerri's daughter hope uses the bed mattress and but that's all she needed so I didn't need to buy a bed that is until the air mattress, or air mattress number 2 sprang a leak.  Kerri thinks that Taters the cat was clawing at it and punctured the 2 I was using one after another.  He looks sweet and innocent but, you never know....

Today Kerri and I no longer need to blow up my mattress at night because Sleep Country delivered me my own mattress and box spring, yay!  It's a twin but I prefer that because I like more floor space. 

As you can see Speckle approved of the upright position that Kerri and I had put Hope's box spring mattress.  She likes to be up high, hehe.

Unfortunately Kerri has been fatigued the last 4 days with a terrible cold.  Wonderful eh?  Kerri gets time off work and a well deserved break but can't much enjoy it yet. 

Even with this fatiguing cold Kerri took me shopping to the superstore.  She really just needed some more OJ and I told her not to worry about shopping but she managed with no complaints.  Awww, thanks sweetie!

We both got some more food especially fruit and stuff.  I stocked up on more unsweetened chocolate;  Sole, and a few other things. 

Tomorrow my case-manager is taking me to the health food store where there is a better selection of organic food.  I have to say that the superstore has quite a nice organic selection though and I know other grocery stores and selling more and more organic these days.  If we buy it they order more for us oftentimes at cheaper prices then health food stores :-). 

Eating makes me feel good.  I guess this is a no brainer though, hehe.  Kerri said I use to eat the same thing everyday and that it was painful to watch.  It is true that I was worried about getting all the calcium I needed while not having pasteurized milk products as per diet rules.  I also didn't know a whole lot about cooking and being spontaneous because I didn't cook that much before hand.  Now having figured it out more I have so much to choose from and it's fun to eat!

Tonight for dinner I had my Sole.  Sole is highly beneficial for my O blood type on this diet.  Although I have eaten Sole at buffets, this is the first time I have cooked it on my own (Kerri offered some advice also).  I dressed it up with a tomato sauce thingy.   I am always excited to find new things to eat on this O Blood Type Diet :-).

Saturday, December 19, 2009

Anatomy Of Cat vs. Field Mouse...

I really didn't want to post this picture but this is typical cat behaviour as I came across the scene of Speckle the cat vs. mouse last evening.   

I'm not afraid of much.  The way I think of it there is nothing really poisonous in Canada and I have my guard cat to first alert me to a mouse presense so all is good. 

I have found that Speckle is more interested in mice then the rest of the 3 cats I have lived with in my life.  The same goes for the 3 cats that I currently live with.  Other cats don't seem to bother with these cute looking little mice.  We do feed our cats!  But Speckle, yep!  She is intense.  Speckle tends to sit in a spot for an hour even if I have turfed the mouse outside.  What is Speckle thinking?  Does she think that the same mouse will come back knowing she is still there?

It's not like this cute little mouse was intentionally letting his presense be known.  He was hiding under a suitcase in Kerri's bedroom on the 2nd floor of our split level house.  I did suspect something was up when Speckle was starring at the suitcase for quite sometime.  Mice are silly to come into a house with 4 cats.  They can smell cats just as cats can hear/ smell them.  Lucky for this little field mouse Speckle seemed to just want to observe and chase him but not actually eat him for dinner.  I guess cats do have a history of playing with their prey and tormenting them...

So, I put the little field mouse that it was in a bucket and dumped it outside in the snow.  I hope he lives but Kerri says he will die.  Sad, the poor little thing was so nervous and cute.  I kind of wanted to adopt him too! 

I am a carnivore who is a wannabe vegetarian because I can't stand the idea of killing animals.  But I realize that organic meat/ fish has a lot of good iron/ calcium/ tryptophan in it for me so I just let someone else kill it ;-0 and pretend that it was never once alive and cute.

Today Kerri and I were cleaning the house.  It had to be done.  I don't mind it.  Kerri found that I missed a few sticky spots on the coffee table, oops (I assume it was me eating honey or dipping my apple in maple syrup)! 

We did let Spock out again.  Kerri said it was fine since we don't need to give him his 2nd worm pill for 2 weeks.  I wanted to keep him in longer as he still seems uncomfortable with the other cats.  But he is an outdoor cat and he always returns.  He's a nice little guy - affectionate around people :-).

Friday, December 18, 2009

Teaching Speckle That I Still Love Her As Much As Spock Might Work.....

Last night I kept waking up with the fear that I had lost Spock our new cat Spock :-O! 

I had let Spock out yesterday an hour after he had gotten his shots and it's been over 24 hours and he only returned 25 hours later.  I have no idea why he disappeared since the little bugger has been guarding our house since the summer and rarely wandering.  Anywhoo, he is back and I love him.  We started him on his 1st de-worming pill and he gobbled it up like it was a yummy thing to eat, lol.  He doesn't need another pill for 14 days. 

Kerri has suggested that we leave Spock inside the rest of the day so that he can learn to feel comfortable inside the house with our other cats.  I am discovering that this is a really good plan.  Spock is still highly amused at looking at his reflection in the mirror and I do think he is happy with us.  He is very affectionate anyway and he is also slowly getting more comfy being around our cats.  He is discovering an interest in the catnip pillows and even Speckles catnip blanket while yesterday he showed no interest in catnip.  Perhaps he was too nervous. 

Speckle, in the meantime, is mad at me and that Spock is taking away her attention (yes cats do have feelings and personalities, hehe).  So, I am trying to spend more time with her and all of our cats especially Tate, Speckle and Spock.  Bob is 16 and sleeps most of the time anyway. 

I am thrilled that Spock came home to us.  I am sure Speckle will come around.  She was angry at me when I first brought her to Kerri's too.  Speckle does have a temper as she doesn't tolerate change well AT ALL.  She is very much like me in that sense although she was that way when we got her at a year and a half so I didn't have anything to do with that ;-). 

I think since I understand Speckle it was good that I have her and that she chose me.  She was so comfy, quiet and well behaved sitting in my arms that first time I held her at the pet store :-).  I know now that it was a good thing that I didn't introduce Speckle to any other cats right away before I got to bond with her a bit...

Another thing I am happy about today is that I took another risk :-).  Not only did I drive to the end of our dead end street as I had been doing for the past 3 days, but today I took my car to the main road (60km that turns into 80km).   I drove to the gas station about 2 minutes away.  It's another stepping stone though!  I should have been wearing sunglasses, but it was a good experience.  Yeah I was a bit nervous, but it wasn't so bad.  Oh, and then I told Kerri about it when she got off from her am run and she says 'Did you notice the black ice?'  I nealy panicked.  'What black ice? The roads were all clear!'  I said. 

If I had known there was black ice I think I would have stayed on our road, lol!  Kerri says there is always black ice in the winter time so I will have to be careful driving and I was :-).  Luckily there was not much traffic and since we are out in the coutry often the roads are kinda quiet.

I have been happy for the past 4 days.  This is a Fall/ Winter record so far for this year!  I hope I will continue to get better and at least continue to get food from the grocery/ health food stores because I think eating all the fresh fruit that I do now and having a choice for meals and yummy chocolate has something to do with my good mood.  Yes eating helps as they say :-D.

Thursday, December 17, 2009

And Now We Have Four Cats, Welcome Spock :-)

Today Kerri and I awoke to a chilling Windchill of - 30 C.  This caused some problems for Kerri work-wise.  She ran out to start her bus which was plugged in all night but it wouldn't start.  Our cars started fine but because Kerri's bus uses diesel fuel it's harder to start in cold weather like this. 

Kerri's job sent over a guy to give her a boost but then there was something wrong with the brakes of her bus so she had to go over to the bus yard (which is luckily only 5 minutes from our home) and drive a new bus.  The bus they gave her was the only spare they had for special needs kids i.e. with a wheel chair ramp.  Unfortunately this bus had no heat.  Now keep in mind there is a windchill of - 30 C.  Also keep in mind that vehicles have that draft thing going on.  And remember Kerri is driving kids to school.  Poor Kerri!

When Kerri got home she had to bring poor ole Spock to the vet.  This was probably Spock's first vet appointment in his life!  As you can imagine the poor guy was terrified and so when the vet tech opened his cage to weigh him he shot out of his cage and off into a far room where the food was kept (as if we don't give the guy enough food to eat ;-) ).  Kerri's daughter Hope had to run after him but got him back with no trouble (I seem to remember Speckle doing something like that at the vets before too).

So, Spock is fairly healthy.  He has worms but we knew that.  We could see the creepy crawlies on his tail from time to time.  The worms die when they crawl out of the back end of him so it's not that bad contagious wise.  He has oil in his ears which will need to be cleaned over time.  There is tartar on his teeth so after the worms are cleared up I will brush his teeth as I do with Speckle and Bob.  The cats still love me btw ;-). 

Spock had all his shots and will be brought back to the vet again in 3 weeks.  Kerri can do this on her own but I do offer to help her if she wants me to accompany her. 

Kerri and Hope picked up an early Christmas present for each of our 4 cats.  Here is Speckle sampling Bob's catnip pillow.  She likes all of them and kinda rotates, hehe.  The other cats are interested but not nearly as excited about the whole thing as Speckle.  Speckle loves catnip!  It doesn't make her hyper.  She just likes to like it and sniff it I guess.  She purrs and purrs though and rolls from one side to the other...

I am excited that the vet has said Spock can mingle with our other cats.  So, here he is extremely fascinated by his on reflection.  It's as if he has never seen a mirror before!  Kerri suspects he has been an outdoor cat all of his life.  I think he likes being inside with all of us people and the other cats though. 

I love cats so I'm all excited about our new addition :-D.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

-15 C And No Heat! Is That Even Allowed In This Day And Age?????

Today one of my Facebook friends shared this awesome song/ video called Straight Through My Heart by Backstreet Boys

It's a love song (I think, lol).  Even if you don't love someone it's a happy and upbeat song!  Weird video, but music can truly alter my mood if even for a few moments...

I love Kerri SOOOOOOO much.  Even when we fight I love her.  Sometimes I just get frustrated with the living arrangements and want to move out because of my fear of driving.  I do feel frustrated about not having independence and being able to grab a bus for transportation but I never want to break-up with Kerri, ever! 

Today I almost panicked but didn't :-D.  Our power went out for 25 minutes.  Its -15 C outside, snowy and we had no heat during the outage!

I was starving because as usual I get caught up in projects (talking to people on Facebook mostly) and don't eat until I'm about ready to faint.  I wanted a hot lunch too but luckily I was just finished heating up my salmon when the power went out.  So I was eating my lunch thinking we ran out of firewood last week.  What are we going to do? 

Kerri was calm, as usual.  She went over to the neighbours to see if they had power.  They didn't.  Kerri had forgotten that the doorbell doesn't work during a power outage.  Lucky she also knocked. 

We are such opposites, it's cute:-).  It worked well though because since Kerri was calm then I was also pretty calm.  We didn't even need to grab a blanket or anything because the house stayed warm fpr the full 25 minutes without heat/ power.  I had envisioned myself hiding out in my car with the heat on, hehe. 

We didn't know what to do with ourselves for a bit there because there was no computer or TV access, hehe....

So, tomorrow's the day that little Spock goes to the vet for possibly the first time in his life and he is an adult cat.  We already have him in the cat room so he doesn't go out and not come back.  Cats have a way of knowing when it's vet time! 

Spock has had it pretty good this winter.  He was allowed in the house and into the cat room but we let him go back outside as he pleased.  Speckle and Tate have accepted him as a part of the family which is sweet but Bob the cat is a bit miffed.  But then Bob is 16 and not good with change.

Anywhoo, I hope the vet bill won't be more then we have expected.  Kerri is paying and taking him on as her cat but also knowing he is used to being an outdoor cat so he probably will be out more then in.  I have found he has hung around the outside of the house a lot in the past few months, so, who, knows he will probably want the best of both worlds, eh Spockaroo????

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Adding Structure Is Key - Uh Oh, Work Ahead In Therapy, Shhhhh!

I had my second appointment with my therapist Cindy this morning.  I always get to near panic mode before a new therapist or case-manager type person in the beginning.  I know I will be telling my life story over again in the space of an hour and it does bring out some of the pain.  I'm also worried about someone else caring about me oddly enough.  Maybe I am just so use to protecting others, hum.

So, I was running around making relaxation tea, valerian and putting lavender oil under my nostrils.  I was still panicky though.  My relaxation herbs are very mild so what can you do?  It did help to chat with Cindy about what I was feeling though and so that maybe someday I can better control my anxiety like I was able to with my therapist Anne. 

I was telling Cindy that I really want to get to the underlying issue of what is causing my fear/ panic/anxiety.  I told her that a couple of years back I did yoga nearly everyday (except for like 2) for eleven months and was still getting anxiety and depression (although less).  I don't want to get into another boot camp regiment while still have mental health issues that are severe enough to hurt me,   NOOOO I don't!

Cindy gave me homework.  I am to do 5 minutes of exercise (running in the spot or dancing to fast tunes - likely all alone in my bedroom as this is embarrassing) and 10 minutes of meditation.   She also told me to write a 3 day food plan because I need to eat on a regular basis and I have trouble figuring out what to eat even though I am hungry. 

I'm not sure about the food plan bit.  I like to eat what I want when I want but Cindy says that I need to do mechanical eating.   Mechanical eating is eating food even though you don't feel like eating.  Yuck!  That's like forcing me to go to my volunteer job or shopping even though I'm wrecked with anxiety or depression!  NOOOOOO, meh! 

I told Cindy I would start with the daily meditation and exercise.  It's a start :-D.

I think I will be out snow shovelling again at some point as it has been snowing yesterday and today again (this counts as exercise :-D).  The cats are not amused about the snow.  Well, Spock our semi-adopted cat likes it but he has been outside for who knows how long.  He just showed up one day in the summer and has never left so we take him and quarantine him to the cat room until we get him dewormed and all fixed. 

Kerri is taking Spock to the vet on the 17th.  Our other cats don't seem to mind him so much now that he comes in the house on occasion.  I hope Bobby the dog will behave himself in February if we decide to keep Spock.  Bobby the dog use to go bananas whenever he saw Spock at the window....

Monday, December 14, 2009

I'm Guessing I Have A.D.D - Heck What's One More Label? LOL.

I'm not sure why staff Katie at my volunteer job likes me to call in sick still.  I have been calling in sick for most of the past 2 1/2 months and she knows I'm on sabbatical :-P!  But I think its nice and also a good motivator to get well.  She knows what's going on for me and seems very caring about the whole thing.  She is a really caring person to everyone it seems.  Sweet....

I did try to do some self-care today which has become a rarity except for ingesting herbal stuff (but I did that too - not what you are thinking but...).  I first started just at the computer while browsing Twitter profiles and Facebook groups.  I started breathing out rapidly.  This breathing is called breath of fire.  I learned this in yoga.  It does feel good and wakes you up a bit, lol.  Then I was reading on my Yoga forum on Facebook  this one person was having anxiety and yoga was not enough so people were suggesting meditation.  So I did 10 minutes of a sitting meditation. 

After the 10 minutes were up I felt such endorphins from the concentration and constant deep breathing.  It was sweet.  I wanted to meditate all day, lol, but then I also want to do a million other things and it's good to start at mediation bit by bit, or so I heard...

I have been hearing from different people that I may have A.D.D (attention deficit disorder) so I have started telling people that I may have it.  I know in grade school ever since I was 6 I was told I had a learning disability.  They called it a visual tracking problem.  In university the learning specialist explained my problem for the first time.  She said that when I am reading I unconsciously space out and miss things.  I even do that on this blog while proof reading.  It's really embarrassing!  Thing is though I don't only space out while reading.  I do it all the time.  So I think its A.D.D.  I have joined a Facebook group for A.D.D and they are telling my story, so, ya know.

I was thinking about being retested a few years back but it's $1500 for the test and since there is some much else going on for me that could be causing this problem i.e. the lithium has made it worse, my ptsd, my general anxiety is usually quite high and I am even have had possible head injury from birth because of my hydrocephalus and the lack of treatment I got for it in the beginning.   I have been tested for head injury but this was years ago and they didn't have all the testing faculties that they now do.  So, I will have to just diagnose myself.  Okie dokie????

I was proud of myself today because I drove!!!  Well, I drove down our small dead end street that is, lol.  I got a good idea of how driving on pure snow feels like.   I have driven on pure snow before.  It's a bit slippy, yep!  I try to avoid snowy days and then usually the main roads clear up soon after a snow fall.

I am taking care of my car though.  I clear the snow off of it and let it run everyday or every other day.  It's like one of my children :-P.  I can't drive any further at the moment until my anxiety calms down because if i left our quiet dead-end street there is a country road where the cars boot along at 60 km an hour!  NOOOOO thanks :-D.  Well someday but but sloooowly....

Sunday, December 13, 2009

You Know You Live In The Country When Your Girlfriend Comes In With Deer Antlers, lol...

You know you live in the country when your girlfriend walks out the front door and comes back in with deer antlers!

Yep,  the antlers were shed by some deer on our property.  Speckle, of course, had to give them a good sniff over.  Our other cats didn't seem bothered but you see Speckle had never seen these before because she is a city cat!  I mean, we got her at when she was 1 1/2 half, but ya know...

So, I have been feeling happy for the past couple of days.  My anxiety is still over the roof so I'm still suffering in that sense but I'm reaching out on-line and meeting others with Agoraphobia and some have worked with an Occupational Therapist to try to heal but as my case-manager Jenn says you can slip back into Agoraphobia and to being housebound.  I'm hoping my homeopathic remedies and therapy can help get to the underlying issue of what is causing my fear so that I can have more fun in life and not just fun in my house being silly...

I did manage to go out shopping today.  Kerri took me to get my own mattress and box spring as the Tate must have chewed or punctured the air mattress I have been using (and the one before it).  I will have it on the 20th of December (my brother's birthday).  Until then I will be OK.  There is still air in the mattress I am using but I may have to keep blowing it up every night, damn cat!

Kerri and I also went for food shopping and I stocked up on whatever I could.  The roads were baaaad because we were in the midst of a 5 cm snowfall but Kerri didn't seem to mind the occasional slip/ slide.  She told me it was fun.  I know if that happened to me my anxiety would be awful.  Kerri drives for a living though and has been driving daily for years. 

I learned something new today.  Red chili peppers are waaaay hotter then green ones.  I put one on my tongue all cut up an hour ago and my lips are still burning. I just put it in my mouth.  No biting.  It was wild.  I'm not sure how I'm supposed to eat them and I love hot food!

But on a serious note, I was scared out in the car even just as a passenger.  I know this is probably because I was not occupying myself.  I noticed I was breathing very shallow.  My breath seemed to go up and down my neck and not at all into my chest or tummy.  This is not good but it's the typical way I breathe outside these days or sometimes even in the house.  I just have to do what I can do to get out and shop or if need be get Kerri to shop for me.  Kerri and I were suppose to go out tonight to a Christmas party to an organization I belong to but I cancelled because of anxiety.  I guess that doesn't surprise anyone...

So I do the things I need to do and not all of the things I want.  Will my agoraphobia end soon? I just take it day by day.  What else can I do?  I am happy though these last couple of days.  Oh, and I saw a Rudolph Car.  It was a car with antlers coming up from the driver/ passenger doors and then on the front of the car was a red nose.   Nothing surprises me, lol!

Saturday, December 12, 2009

Cats/ Games And My New OT Cannot Get Here Fast Enough, LOL...

So again I was supposed to go out and meet Kerri's friends for another of their children's birthday parties.  Again, I had a panic attack and have been holding my breath all day, feels like. 

Kerri has been very understanding about this.  I showed her my trembling hands and she knows I was taking my valerian, lavender oil and relaxation tea.  I also ate a banana for the tryptophan but I have heard that there is so little tryptophan in banana's (and milk - I can't eat pasteurized milk though because of my blood type diet) that you can't really relax on it.  Dr. Oz agrees with what I've heard about the tryptophan. 

I hope Kerri's friends get that I want to know them more and not hide.  I stay home alone feeling sad and lonely at times.  I also feel safer so there is the draw.  I am less likely to have a panic attack, or so I feel.

One piece of good news is that the Occupational Therapist that will come to my house to help with my agoraphobia will be able to see me (although she doesn't know I live in the boonies)!!!  Her name is Charrie and she will possibly be seeing me once before Christmas too. Yay! 

Charrie will only be able to see me every other week that I know of.  My case-manager Jenn says it would have been most ideal if I would see her every week.  Two weeks is a long stretch before visits and there is more chance of slipping back into hibernation/fear mode.  Still, I am hoping that I do get better and out driving and getting my independence back soon!

Jenn guesstimates it may take up to 6 months for me to get my confidence back and not slip back again.  Charrie will take me out and teach me ways to keeping down my anxiety so that I learn how not to panic.  Now, I do have skills in this but I really need a coach to get me back into the habit of learning to relax myself.

So, for tonight, I may as well stay home and try to figure out if there is a way to win this game:

Kerri passed this game along to me.  She couldn't stop the cat from jumping off the page.   I know of 2 people who have solved the game.  One person figured it out after 6 tries and the other 5.  So far I have tried 5 times.  They don't offer a leash so I guess a cat will do what it wants to do for me, lol.

And, here is another picture of my own funny cat Speckle and her box/ house.   Notice how she is in the house when she plays.  Speckle will run through the back down of this box when I take out the string.  Then she will bat the string from inside. 

I think it's a sort of stalking thing where if she hides, the string/ prey will be less likely to run away and she gets more chance of attacking it.  I don't know, lol...Speckle runs to hide whenever I take out string.  In other cats I haven't noticed this behaviour but they are all unique :-D.

Friday, December 11, 2009

Please Be Compassionate Of My Hermit Status. Don't Make Me Cry No More...

Today I woke up with tension in my back.  My hands were trembling slightly.  I sooo wanted to get rid of the fear and anxiety I felt so I took some valerian, put some lavender oil on, and then put a heating pad on my back and laid back down for 20 minutes.  All this helped a little.  I was no longer shaking.  I sat under my SAD lamp and went on on-line

I feel quite nervous and sometimes actually cry because numerous people around me have been telling me to get out of the house.  For me this means I have to drive.  I have explained to these same people numerous times that I use to drive everyday on our inter-city highway and even to Toronto which is five hours away.  This, all before I started taking Lithium.  Since I have been taking the drug (have been on Lithium for over 4 years and for a little while before that) I have found I feel unfocused, more confused, unable to remember words or think about what I was just about to do or say.  I have tried numerous other drugs with even worse side-effects.  Lithium was my last offer from my past psychiatrist.

Do you people really want me on the road when I have all this going on and add to it severe depression and anxiety these days?  No?  I thought so.  So please have compassion for me and trust that I am going to do all I can to get well so that I can be a safe driver (while taking Lithium).  

I do feel guiltier then you all know that I have to rely on Kerri who is already stressed.  We had planned for me not having a car and worked all this out in our minds.  But really all we wanted was to be was to be together because we love each other.  We hope love is enough to get us though this rough patch and that the anxiety will go down once I am able to care for me.  We are getting a long nicely but this situation is hard on both of us.

I have told Kerri all I need is to go food shopping once in awhile.  I can do my appointments over the phone.  In the New Year I will be working with an occupational therapist on my anxiety.  Hopefully my depression which has been tormenting me for almost 2 1/2 months will soon vacate my mind.  I am able to take antidepressants because this triggers my bipolar mania. 

I have a new therapist now who seems really awesome and I have told her I want to get at the underlying issue as to what is troubling me.  This is the only way I feel I can heal and stay healed once and for all.

Terrance, my Homeopath says his method of Heilkunst Homeopathy can get to the underlying issue as well.  Unfortunately since Heilkust Homeopathy works on a cellular level I am being healed by one cell at a time (seems like, lol) so it takes a looong time but hey, western meds never cured me of my allergies, chronic back pain and my knee problem (homeopathy has), so I am hopeful that I can get better from my inner pain.

It would be sweet if I could just let other peoples pain and judgment just roll off my shoulders.  Terrance says this is possible in time with treatment.  Sweet...

Thursday, December 10, 2009


Today I still feel hyper/ tense/ jitter/ mad and at times severely fatigued.  I am pretty sure it's more then my bipolar and anxiety. 

Homeopathy brings stuff out usually 12-14 days after I start a new remedy I feel awful in some way or another.  Sometimes I am living hell for people to be around.  I guess you could say it's like a second pms :-O.  Since I'm being detoxed of celexa (an anti-depressant) and haldol (an anti-psychotic) I am feeling manicky at times and when I am angry I am saying things I later regret.  I find it hard when stuff is coming out like this to be around people. 

I also tend to take on everyone else's stress and when I have stuff coming out for me I feel angry that I have to deal with everyone else and me all in one.  I guess this sounds selfish and I really need to get back into doing work on me for me like yoga and bubble baths (I know I say that but...).  Today I did a bit of the butterfly hug (with arms crossed and tapping the left and right hand simultaneously on my shoulders), drank relaxation tea, had valerian, and also lavender.  All that calmed me enough to make some granola, yum!

Hope, Kerri and I have been busy shovelling snow.  Here is the end result. 

Yesterday, on 3 hours sleep I was out shovelling for over an hour. 

Today at the crack of dawn Kerri and Hope had to shovel out the snowbank from the road cleaning vehicle for Kerri's bus so that she could do her 7:20 am run.  I would have helped although I told Kerri I took my zyprexa prn too late and only crawled out of bed at 7:40am. 

I did manage to shovel Kerri's car out which was barricaded in by a snowbank over at the neighbours.  Then I found out we have to shovel out a whole cars length and then some so that our country mailman can stay in his vehicle when he's dropping off (and picking up our mail to be sent) our mail.  Kerri helped me clear for the mailman's vehicle...

So, all in all we shovelled out the equivalent of 5 car spaces worth as we have a 3 car drive-way.  This is our winter folks, lol.

So, if you think it's baaaad that we have gotten soo much snow all at once, this second shot was taken in March of 2008. The snow is supposed to be melting by March! So, we ain't seen nothing yet (perhaps).

This last picture shows Taters asleep in his cat house. None of the other cats use this house but Taters loves and has used it since kitten hood. Sometimes he will even sleep on the roof of the house, lol...awww, cutie!

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

King Bob The Cat And Can I Feel Any More Tired?

I am exhausted after a very poor sleep last night. I had to take my prn zyprexa at 1am.  I was wide awake and had that racing feeling inside.  3 hours later I woke up because I heard a noise was still as wired as the night before.

Today, I am walking around the house 'drunk/ dizzy -like' unable to make the granola I had planned too for today.  I cannot for the life of me sleep in the day-time as a rule.  Cat naps only occasionally...

Luckily I have not felt a panic attack that it has seemed to bring on the last 4 times I have ingested it.  There is an interaction between my lithium and zyprexa so it's really not in my head.  Thankfully I have been spared this time. 

My anxiety was brought on by my fears about my new therapist and her wanting me to eat (this requires shopping - and the huge anxiety that that brings me);  the dog eating the cats food after the gate wasn't shut (the dog went home this am after 6 weeks in our care!), and then Kerri refused to take me food shopping.  She finally agreed after I was crying and shaking knowing that we couldn't go today because of the huge storm we are having...

We had a date to go the grocery store yesterday since last week.  Kerri had told me she would take me because we were going to get food for a pot-luck we were suppose to be attending today so figured I would pick up some stuff for me (but due to the snowstorm the city has closed down in many areas and we are staying home and safely off the roads).  

I told Kerri it's OK, I understand about not going to the pot-luck, but I haven't been food shopping for 10 days.  2 days ago she got food for her and Kendra I knew I had some food to last me for a couple more days so it didn't bother me to see lots food coming into the house.  Mostly what I needed badly is fruit anyway.    Well, she did get me bananas but that's not enough.  I like to have at least 3 different fruits a day and that won't last me 10 days or 2 weeks or whenever I can get her to take me.

My case-manager Jenn gave me the website for an on-line grocery-store and I was all excited.  Then when I looked at their selection they only sell one organic item - strawberries.  I would love those strawberries because Kerri and her daughter went out food shopping together last night and ended up getting me some stuff but said they were all out of produce for organic fruits.  On-line it would cost $4.99 for the strawberries.  I need strawberries!  This is the same price for the 1 litre bin but then factor in the $12  charge for the delivery and packing....

Anywhoo, here is a funny picture Kerri directed and I took of Bob just before the friction started yesterday. Kerri's cats are so chill. Speckle would never put up with this, hehe.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

I Dig My New Therapist Although Tomorrow I Will Be Be Doing A Different Kind Of Digging :-P

Good news!!!!  I met with my new therapist Cindy and we totally click.  Cindy is calling me on my feelings and behaviours and relating them to my anorexia already.  Oops! 

I'm not so bad these days but I don't eat as often as I should.  Kerri keeps telling me to eat because we are cuddling and my tummy is growling.  I don't always know what to eat though.  I need to work on my depression/ anxiety and my eating issues for sure but Cindy knows all about my issues and even losing a dad to cancer around puberty.  I lose my dad to melanoma skin Cancer when I was 11. 

Cindy has already given me homework too - eleven pages of questions I am suppose to answer about me!  That's eleven 8x11 inch pages!  My case-manager, Jenn, came over to see me after my session with Cindy and has given me homework too.  She wants me to photocopy Cindy's homework questions (I better get on that before I do the homework as Jenn wants to ask her clients these questions and not show them my answers, lol).  I offered as we have a photocopier in the house.  I would have to photocopy each of the pages one at a time but its all good...

Jenn and I had a good chat.   She actually scared me at one point though while explaining about needing two different windshield wiper fluids. You need one for summer and another one for winter. The winter will not freeze but the summer one does. I had no idea one needed to worry about such a thing. So, not knowing which one I had in my car and not being able to access it through the trunk, I sprayed the fluid (sending the wipers into motion) while Jenn collected the specimen. Jenn kept yelling at me to stop the wipers and just spray the fluid but apparently in my Toyota Corolla one goes with the other, lol.  I have no clue about cars!!

Anywhoo I put the specimen in the freezer for an hour and it's not frozen so me thinks I've got the winter wiper fluid.  All is good :-D.

My folks gave me their second car as a housewarming pressie when I moved out here in the boonies with little bus access.  Moving from a two car family to a one car family must have been a huge jolt!  I really do need the car as I don't have bus access out here but I have barely driven my car in the last 2 months due to severe anxiety/ depression. 

Because it's below 0 C out and there is snow (with a huge 20 cm dumping expected overnight), I have to be careful to maintain my car.  Yes I have snow tires and the whole bit.  We had them put on in October during the tune-up.  You never know when the snow will hit though... 

Kerri knows a lot about cars.  She has had her own car in the boonies for years.  So Kerri tells me that I need to get the snow off my car everyday so that the doors don't freeze shut.  No biggie. I also run it until the motor sounds good.  I can plug it in for warm it up on very cold days too.  Lastly I test all the doors and the trunk to make sure everything will open for me. 

Tonight the city of Ottawa is waiting for the huge snowfall.  By tomorrow at some point there will be 10-15 cm of snow!  This is not new for us but it does slow up the driving quite a bit.  I will be up and out shovelling at 7am as  Kerri will need to get her bus out of the drive-way for work at 7:20am.  She is a school bus driver and they don't often cancel school around here...wish us luck, hehe...

Monday, December 7, 2009

Why Men Flirt With Dykes...

So I asked this guy friend of mine, who has made it clear to me that he has been flirting with me, why guys flirt with girls who they know are dykes.  His answer maybe they think they can change you  (and that he didn't like the word dyke!).  My answer to that is Um, NOOOOO!  Don't you think that's been tried and said many times before???? 

Quite honestly I've talked to Kerri about the difference between dykes and bi-sexuals.  I feel I'm a dyke because I've never loved a man.  This is not to say that in the future, if and only if, Kerri and I grow apart and break up, that maybe I will fall in love with a man for the first time in my life.  Then I will start telling people I am bi-sexual.

When men flirt with me I feel nervous and uncomfortable.  I might flirt back in fun but when it comes right down to it.  A man will not make me fall out of love with Kerri, please! I actually don't like being flirted with.  But I know I have had fun flirting at times myself with a guy.  It's fun to have that power and get the feeling inside that I am wanted and that I matter.   

I love Kerri more then anything and we are totally monogamous.  It's complicated enough having a relationship with one person!  I have dated unattainable people but never found true love that way.  That was back when I was dating men and I was never in love with men anyways. 

Guys have told me that I am pretty.  I don't mind being told that I am pretty if it's not in a flirtaous way.  I wonder if men would think that I am pretty if they saw me at home wearing the same clothes 4 or 5 days in a row; with big puffy uncombed hair which is sticking up all over the place, and no make-up.  This is the real me most days lately, lol.

Kerri and I talked about what we would do if we were at a dance and someone wanted to dance with either one of us.  I figure for me I would be respectful and dance platonically.  I really don't want to hurt Kerri.  I also tell Kerri when a guy is flirting with me. I also tell her it upsets me.  I don't want secrets between us and I also want her to trust me. 

I think Kerri may still have an issue with the fact that I was dating a married man years back.  I told her I never cheated on anyone and she gets that.  I still understand if someone doesn't trust me totally and completely because of things I did in the past though. 

Things between Kerri and I are going very well.  I have been a lot calmer for the past 4 or 5 days.  I don't even think about taking my calming remedy anymore.  I still have a bit left but I am sleeping good and feeling not bad.  Tense and anxious but not angry and irritable. 

Life is good as I know it :-).

Sunday, December 6, 2009

Climate Change Is It Really ALL In Our Control?

Today Kerri, Hope spent a quiet sunday afternoon attempting to watch a documentary movie called An Inconvenient Truth.  I say attempted to watch this movie because we got a dud DVD and it died half way through. We got the gist of though.

Al Gore wrote and starred in this movie.  He won awards for it too.  I had never heard of it, lol. 

An Inconvenient Truth came out in 2006 and talked extensively about global warming (now called climate change).  Al Gore talks about how there is much more carbon dioxide being produced now then in the past and that this will continue to rise as we continue to use harmful emissions and so forth.

It was no surprise that there will be, sometime along the line a shift in our climate and possibly someday when our earth will no longer be able to sustain life.  This shift is already happening.  Kerri makes a lot of sense saying how can we say, as the movie says, that out lifestyles and industries are going to contribute to our own demise when our planet has already been shifting for centuries! 

I think it's safe to say that we are responsible but not completely responsible for ALL the climate change that has been happening. 

If you look at rock formations all over the world, there are places such as this at the Louis Leakey museum over looking the Olduvai Gorge in Tanzania, Africa.  I took this picture a year and a half ago.  Here, you can clearly see the water lines on the rock formations where all the water is now gone.   This process took 10 000 years.

In Canada there are the famous Flower Pot rock formations in New Brunswick.  The rocks are narrow at the base and larger where it was once above water.  There is a tide that still comes in for the flower pot rocks but it still clearly shows that our world does shift over years and years.

Saturday, December 5, 2009

'Sicko' Has Shocked Me....

Yesterday evening Kerri and I were watching Sicko, Michael Moore movie, for the first time.  We both loved it but it was a really sad movie! 

Michael Moore is a documentary film producer.   Have seen other movies of his but this one was probably the most shocking.  I don't get why people are not talking about this film more!  All of Michael Moore's create huge controversy.  Sicko documents the medical practices he see's in the USA where he is a citizen.  It focuses on the American health care system and how insurance companies are leaving people to die just so the doctors can make more money. 

I know people complain about the Canadian health care system because of our long wait lists but I know friends in the states, particularly 2 of them, who have tried to get into programs for eating disorders.  These friends have health issues because of their illness but after being in treatment 2 weeks they are told that there insurance company will not longer pay for them or that they are no longer sick! 

Here in Canada you can be hospitalized up to a year in an eating disorder hospital and then go into intensive outpatient therapy.  We don't turn away our patients or charge them a fee. 

Unfortunately the wait times for us maybe about a year for an inpatient eating disorder program; a year and a half for a psychiatrist; a year for a family doctor and up to 8 hours in the ER unless you are in danger of dying.  There are many more wait times in Canada that seem harsh....

Michael Moore was particularly showing us how in America you have to pay for health insurance but in many other countries around the world including Canada, England, France, and Cuba, health care is paid for by the tax payers and therefore free. 

Hilary Clinton was a big advocate for universal health care in the states but after 10 years of planning, this idea was thrown out by congress.  Sad. 

I do think change is hard though.  Would Americans be willing to pay more in taxes so that they could get universal health care?  I have heard arguments that they do not want to pay for everyone else's health care but only there own.  Sad but understandable since they will have to deal with getting a pay cut and have less money coming in.  Isn't the happiest country in the world in Scandinavia where healthcare and even University is free?  They don't get much to take home every month but there is also much less to worry about.

We all want more and more. When we get more we spend more so for any one of us to get less money coming in what would we do????

I have an Uncle who has lived his entire live in the states and worked as a doctor.  He is now retired.  Likely he gets much more then our doctors in Canada.  I never hear anything negative about the states or their medical system from him.  My mom, his sister has tried to explain it to me but he doesn't believe there is any issue in the states.  Is there?  You tell me?

I'm now, of course, following Michael Moore on Twitter, tee hee. He has lots to say! Big surprise :-O.

And finally, I took this creepy picture last evening in our front yard.  Kerri finds it beautiful. I think it would have been a good Halloween shot, lol...

Friday, December 4, 2009

Energy Saver Bulbs Do Save....

This morning Tom, the maintenance guy came to our house fix about 5 of our lightbulb fixtures. 

A few days ago I had been running around the house installing energy saver bulbs.  I found some light fixtures that were a bit loose. 

Energy saver bulbs last five times longer then regular bulbs.  And now Kerri and I will also be saving on hydro!

Energy saver bulbs do cost a bit more.  I paid $50 for 18 60 watt bulbs (like the one in the picture) at Costco.  This bulb will fit wherever any regular 60 watt bulb would have fit.  There are different sizes of energy saver bulbs, of course.  

For myself, the price of the bulbs was a non-issue even though I am on disability.   In Ontario our disability support program (ODSP) will give each client $50 if we request this in a letter.  I just had to write to my disability worker and tell her I wanted the bulbs to save on our monthly hydro bill.  The next month a cheque for $50 arrived.  I then went out to buy the bulbs (well Kerri took me - do I do anything alone anymore????).

In case I get audited I have to keep the receipt for the bulbs.

For others outside of Ontario or Canada and who are on disability or some other low-income support program, it is always good to check with your worker to see what is offered.  Programs do not always tell you what they offer for some odd reason.  I heard from my mental health case-manager Jenn.  She comes in quite handy sometimes :-D.

Anywhoo, here is a funny pic I just took of Tate the cat licking Bob.  Bob and Speckle sometimes end up hissing and growling at Tate because he has a tendency to climb on top of them.  Bob actually didn't mind this particular licking fest though as Tate was flatly laying behind him, lol.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Occupational Therapists Rock - I Hope Mine Does Anyway, lol...

I'm still feeling blah but also extremely excited and hopeful. 

My case-manager Jenn called today for an unscheduled phone check-in to see how I was doing.  She wanted to make sure I was OK depression-wise given that I had just lost my therapist.  I was sooo happy she called!  I was able to tell her I had gotten a new therapist called Cindy.  This was Jenn's recommendation in an e-mail she had sent me yesterday. 

Cindy is not a new person in my life.  I met her at a drop-in support group for eating disorders a few years back.  I was actually the only one who showed up that evening so I sat down and had a one on one with Cindy then.  Cindy is soft spoken.  I got from our meeting that she is very kind and non-judgemental.  Her speciality is eating disorders (of which she is a survivor) and anxiety.

Cindy is so what I need now.  The only reason I opted not to get her before is because she has been  working in the west-end of Ottawa.  I always lived across town and had to rely on buses.  Now that I am in the west-end also, this is sooo perfect!  Cindy was also the person that the co-owner of the eating disorder support program recommended to me when I asked 4 1/2 years ago...

Something else totally awesome about today is that Jenn explained to me exactly what the occupational therapist she is referring me to will do for me.  The OT will come to my house and we will chat for a couple of sessions about my anxiety and whatever strategies she has in store for me.  Then she will take me out of the house but address my anxiety as it comes up through exercises (on thoughts and breathing I suppose).  She will not leave my side until I am able to calm myself and this will be at my own pace.  Maybe 6 months or longer.  Whatever I need (bites nails!  I hope I can do this and succeed!).

I wish I was referred years ago - even as a child!  I never had a name for the fear.  I just got angry to keep people away.  Waste of a life!!!!  Then I just felt guilt, low self-esteem and misunderstood. 

I won't get an OT until in the New Year sometime.  I am not even sure how long the wait-list is.  I also know that I will have to keep going out and that even if I am sick and can't go outside that my agoraphobia might come back.  I am hoping not.... 

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

When Swearing May Offend...Good To Know For Next Time!

Yesterday my therapist Haley said that I was getting abusive and refused to work with me. 

I had used a swear word when I told her to stop yelling at me in relationship counselling.  My voice wasn't that loud so I guess swearing is not one of her favourite things.  No one on my support team has really yelled at me like Haley did so I was scared and embarrassed.  I was hoping she would keep me on for individual because we were talking about the issues I had in relationship counselling and also the issues I had with her yelling at me when I would interrupt Kerri. 

As for swearing, I rarely swear but if someone is raising their voice in anger my anxiety goes through the roof and I don't actually plan what I am going to say sometimes.  But, oops! 

So now I don't have a therapist.  Fortunately my case-manager Jenn and I had a good chat yesterday so I do have some support and will have more in future.

Haley didn't want me to bring up a topic we had already talked about in the past but yet Kerri was still upset about it so I was explaining my side.  I did interrupt Kerri some because I remember things differently and often times I feel I am being put down and made to look like the bad guy when I was only intending to help out.  I would be sooo bad in a courtroom or on Dr. Phil.  I notice those people hold their tongues and all sorts of awful things are said about them!  I would not be able to listen to all that awful stuff said about me if it was not true!

I have been craving my old therapist Ann in the last week anyway because she use to coach me on self care a lot.  Now that I don't really have anyone telling me what to do I have fallen out of the self-care groove.  Haley did some work around self-care but it hasn't been so often anymore and especially since I have been doing the individual sessions over the phone.  We would just chat and there wasn't much, if any, digging around why I have been so depressed for over 2 months now or where is all this anxiety coming from?

I did tell Haley that I didn't like the way she raised her voice with me in relationship counselling before.  Maybe I should have made it clear that this actually frightened me.   Even TV and loud music irritates/ frightens me sometimes.  But it was sooo much easier holding my tongue and taking a step back when I was on the calming remedy.  I doped me up!

I was shocked that a swear word was the cause of such a stir.  Is that a poor reflection of me?  Perhaps, but I have sworn at other times with supports because I have not been able to get out anger/ anxiety through proper channels.  Or, I feel that I am not getting my needs met.  I ended up crying yesterday for most of the day both before and after the session.  This, even before I knew this was my last time seeing Haley.

Haley only e-mailed me yesterday at 9:30pm to say farewell.  But this time Kerri who gets up early to work, was gone to sleep. 

Kerri says we will be OK to work out our issues and she has been also encouraging me to go back to weekly therapy sessions instead of the bi-weekly sessions I have been taking for the past couple of months.

Fortunately with Kerri and our relationship, our communication has been much better lately.  Even after a fight we will talk things out.  This is what relationships are all about.  We our finding that we are bringing our parents into our relationships too i.e. mannerisms and the ways we see each other.  I am still bringing my old neighbourhood and house into it too, so, you know, lol...

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Wanting So Much To Get Back To Loving ME!

So, today's been exhausting! 

I have so far spent most of the first part of today crying and totally burnt-out/exhausted.  But now for the past hour I've been jumping out of my skin anxious/ agitated and feel like skipping rope for a few hours to tire myself out again! 

I'm so missing what my calming remedy was doing for me.  I am sooo not calm anymore.  My sleeping is awful again.  My depression is possibly worse.  I'm even sure it's worse because it has been bad for over 2 months (except for one day when I was in a hypomania and raked 6 1/2 bags of weeds!).

I think in the last week it's been hitting me that Christmas is coming.  Although I like Christmas day and going to parties (if I'm not too full of anxiety), I fear the actual dealing with card making and Christmas shopping even if I know what I will get/ buy and say.  Everyone around me is so easy to please gift-wise for this I am so grateful.  But still I am nervous like you wouldn't believe. 

I had a phone check-in with my case-manager Jenn today and this time I was actaully able to say how I really felt.  Jenn assures me that she will get me an occupational therapist to help me not only with my shopping phobia but also that agoraphobia of just leaving the house.  Jenn explained that the OT will first come to the house and teach me relaxation exercises for a couple of sessions before we venture out anywhere.  This makes more sense to me. 

I do feel better about things knowing that I going to get help but I forgot to ask Jenn when this is going to take place...I keep telling myself (actually sort of less and less) that maybe tomorrow I will be OK again and jump in my car or tell Kerri I'm ready to drive somewhere with her support...

Things between Kerri and I are going well.  We are talking to each other about why we do things and act in certain ways. I am saying that my insecurity is getting very bad in wanting closeness and if I don't get it I feel like Kerri doesn't love me anymore.  I realize that I need to re-learn to love myself and perhaps practice saying affirmations or doing the butterfly hug or something just for me and self nurturing.  Otherwise I get left feeling so empty inside.  Kerri never stops loving me but she likes to have some space now and again.  I use to want my space but now I want be around Kerri 24/7 and this is waaaay unhealthy!

Monday, November 30, 2009

Anxiety Aside I Had A Pretty Awesome Day :-).

Today has been a mixed bag.  For most of the day I was hyper agitated.  I couldn't seem to calm down.  I felt jumpy and had some trouble breathing due to anxiety.  When I don't breathe well, of course, my anxiety will get worse.

I was anxious this morning because I thought Kerri was rejecting me by seeming to be emotionally distant at times.  Fortunately she called me on the fact that I was also pulling away emotionally to protect myself from the further pain of perceived rejection (I can't say that my pulling away helped my anxiety any).  Fortunately we talked about what was going on for both of us.  Kerri told me it wasn't about me and she just withdraws while under stress.  I knew that was probably true rationally but my emotional mind still harboured great insecurities over the perceived sense of unlove I felt. 

It seems that if I don't my get constant love vibes I feel like I'm in waaaay to much pain.  Honestly!  Life was simpler when I was single, lol.  Our talk brought me to tears though which took a huge load off my shoulders.  I think it was great that we were able to talk things out.  I know it's hard for me when Kerri pulls away but this is what helps her deal so I will have to think up strategies to help me.  Fitting that we have our relationship counselling tomorrow :-).

Kerri took me to do some food shopping. I still needed a few things.  She did too.  This afternoon shopping trip did not help my anxiety but I am soooo happy that I got the food I couldn't get the other day.  I now have my sucanut (organic sugar) so I can make my baked apple, chocolate, and strawberry sorbet. 

Kerri says she understands about my agoraphobia and that I am not able to do stuff outside without huge anxiety a lot of the time.  I do feel really bad that I moved in with her and then sort of went into hibernation mode all of a sudden.  It's not like I didn't do this at my folks place when I lived with them in the spring and before but it has been pretty bad lately, my illness.  I want to much to be of help and not a lump on a log!

This evening I feel much relieved that I won't need anything at the supermarket for awhile.  Further Kerri rushed out to Costco with myself and Hope in tow to get an actual food processor tonight.  I had been using a blender to make humus and sorbet but the motor was sounding too taxed.  I already broke the first blender of Kerri's and my folks gave us the new one (they found it in the bowels of their basement and it worked!) but I didn't realize that blenders and not really meant for solid food unless it's watered down quite a bit.  Anywhoo we are all set kitchen-wise for a bit me hopes (and we stocked up on yummy smelling scented candles too :-).

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Detoxing Off Meds That Weren't For Me. Fun Times...

I am feeling pretty down today. 

I am enjoying my time cuddling with Kerri  and watching a mooovie (soon we will be hibernating watching Christmas mooovies :-D) but things have been pretty tense lately between Kerri and I.  I've come to the conclusion that a loving relationship (or is it just puppy love lust) is bipolar at the best and worst of times.  Kerri is my first love but I hear this from others in relationships too.  I am seeing patterns in myself and in Kerri so maybe I can start building up the walls of indifference before the storm strikes from now on? 

Three days ago my homeopath, Terrance, started detoxing me off Celexa and Haldol.  These drugs were horrible for me! 

Celexa is an anti-depressant.  It gave me a horrible chronic back ache all up my spine for the whole two weeks I was on it.  Further I ended up losing 15 pounds in those two weeks.  I couldn't eat more then a bite at every meal before I felt stuff to the gills!  I reported this to the staff and they didn't believe me that I wasn't eating.  Um, they were the ones taking my trays back.  Another thing about Celexa is that I ended up getting a painful infection in on my gums due to the fact that the drug made me shake so bad I couldn't brush my teeth even a little for those two weeks.  I was an in-patient in the psych ward at the time seven years ago and I did have to endure a lot.  But hey I was manic for my whole stay until my psychiatrist Dr. Dinton started me off on Lithium...manic as an in-patient for seven weeks and the the staff couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, wierdness!

Haldol  is just a really painful drug for me to be on.  They use to give it to me as a prn anti-psychotic.  It caused me to have trouble breathing.  My tongue lost the ability to compress so I had to keep spitting.  I was in soooo much pain in my jaw which felt locked.  I would try to scream and cry but this was hard because my mouth was so stiff.  The staff would have to give me a needle of Cogentin in my butt cheek to bring down the reaction.  Cogentin comes in pill form but this never helped me.

Could my detoxing off these medications that were so wrong for me be why my anxiety and depression have been so extreme?  Yep, could be.  Or not, who knows.  Homeopathy does bring stuff out though.  Or not, anywhoo, Terrance has told me NOT to come of my psych meds.  I asked him if my meds are the reason why I have such extreme reactions to the homeopathic remedies and detoxing etc.  He says I'm not ready to wean myself off anything and I know that but to here him say that made me feel good because I was feeling like western medicine and homeopathy were like clashing or something.

I also have trichotillomania which is a hair pulling disorder in the obsessive compulsive disorder family.  It's a compulsion.  I have been hair pulling more then normal for the past couple of weeks.  I do this when I am anxious (which is most of the time).  My mom says she can get me something herbal to stop it but I think if I just work on my anxiety and my issue - the underlying causes and detox then I will be OK.  I use to have an actual bald spot but I don't think it's that bad now.  I had stopped for a bit one time after this one lady at my old group home use to scream at me every time she saw me pull my hair out.  Yes it did work to be screamed at.  I hated it though, so don't anyone get ideas :-P.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

Some Days Are Hard - Finding A New Strategy Might Work :-).

I feel like I'm crashing.  Today was very hard.  It doesn't seem to be getting any easier.  I feel like I really need a break.  I do want to blog and I had blogged honestly for the past half hour and then pressed delete post instead of publish.  So, here I am again exhausted.  I am sooo wanting something to feel good about but not able to find anything at the moment and feeling lost and dumb. 

Kerri took me out shopping today.  This was a very hard time for both of us.  I could hardly breathe. You know that smothered feeling.  It kinda freaks me out!  It's been 3 hours since we got home and I am still holding my breath most of the time aka feeling smothered.  When I do this my anxiety gets worse and worse.  It's come to the point where I know that I will not be able to go out with Kerri and her friends for dinner to celebrate one of Kerri's friend's kids birthday's.  I am just so tired and just want to be alone where I can fight back the tears of frustration.

I am also frustrated that I am noticing that some people around me are miss-reading situations that are not in my control at this time.  I try to explain how hard it is for me and what is really going on in my head but I feel that I am not being heard.  It's as if I was still my rage-aholic former self and people sure misunderstood me then.  I thought trying to explain things without raising my voice that things would be better but they are no better as far as I can tell.  I just hold on to waaay to much and hurt like crazy...

I think tonight I just need me time.  I haven't had that yet today.  When I am stressed out this hardly counts as me time, does it?

Okay so goals for this evening while I am alone:

1.  call the crisis line.  This can help if I am able to get through all the busy signals, grrr.
2.  deep breathe
3.  listen to songs that help bring out my feelings
4.  pray to my higher power for strength
5.  eat something substantial
6. find something to laugh about...I sent this video to Kerri: 

She didn't seem to get the humour behind it but I did :-).  As I said before it is loud in this house.  I try not to intervene during the day or at night.  Kerri and Hope are heavy sleepers and so no one keeps them awake!  When I lived with my folks, my mom was a light sleeper like me and so I got into the habit of being quiet and turning the tv down etc at night or during nap times etc.  Here the sound carries it being a split level house.  It's a nice size though (for daytime, hehe).

I do sleep much better using the remedy my homeopath Terrance gave me to calm me.  Hopefully I will still feel OK as I continue to wean off and stop it altogether...this is scary though i.e. will I still be OK; calm, and feel the detachment that this remedy brings me?

Anywhoo, this is me today and hopefully tomorrow will be a more relaxing day!  Ciao :-).

Friday, November 27, 2009

Mmmm, More Food!!!

Today is a dark and gloomy cold rainy day.  As a consequence our cats Tate and Speckle, aka the lovebirds had a massive brawl this morning.  I wasn't really paying attention as I was - take one guess - yes on-line of course (probably twitter looking at profiles, hehe)!  I miss half my TV programs because I've got my nose to this computer, lol.

Anywhoo, I asked Kerri if there could be any relation to the fact that Terrace said to stop giving the cats remedy in their water bowls.  Kerri says their is probably no connection.  I concluded that they are bored because they can't go outside.  Further, because we are dog sitting, the dog gets the downstairs where most of the 'chase room' is...The cats can go down but they don't often because Bobby the dog goes into chase mode from time to time.  Bobby is huge, they are small, so, ya know...

So I haven't been feeling stoned from my calming remedy the last few days.  Oh yes, I had been.  This the detox experience for some.  This is a good thing because I am much clearer in the head :-). My homeopath Terrance says I can continue weaning myself off of this remedy aka horse remedy.  It's not the usual dropper bottle remedies.  It's a full tablespoon :-O.

Now Terrance has given me an anxiety remedy in a dropper bottle to take in its place.  I don't think it's as strong though, but hopefully I will be on my feet and out of the house again anyway.  It will feel awesome to be out driving along our country roads and off towards my volunteer jobs and appointments again. No one has forgotten about me.  The staff at my volunteer jobs like it when I keep calling in every week with an update.  They are soooo sweet.

I want to get out to the food stores again too.  I need more food!!!  I have food left but there is waaaay less variety. I want to make some more strawberry sorbet and chocolate.  I want to dip my apples in maple syrup and make baked apple.  I want to make more humus!  Yum!  Yum!  Yum!   This I cannot do with out all the ingredients!

I don't want Kerri to feel like she has to do my shopping for me.  She is sweet but I want her to be able to rest after work.  I get to chill all the time so it's only fair.  Tomorrow she has offered to take me across town to the organic market.  There, I can pick up some lemon cookies, crackers and muffins.  Maybe some produce.  I don't find there prices offer up any deals so I don't get stuff I figure I can buy in a grocery store.  I like to buy baked goods and not make them.  To tired for that.  I guess I haven't progressed far enough in my cooking extravaganza's for much in the way of baked goods.  Some day :-).

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Never A Dull Moment With A Dog In The House....

I had a telephone appointment with Terrance, my homeopath today.  I'm still waaaay to drive-o-phobic to drive to his place and there are no buses where Kerri and I live in the country.  Kerri wasn't able to drive me to the appointment but she does if she can without resentment, awwww!

Anywhoo, Terrance says I'm still on track re being a virtual homebody/ agoraphobe.  Things are still shifting inside me and this is OK for now as long as my needs are being met re money and food.  I told him that they are.  Kerri is probably worried because we haven't known each other all that long and she doesn't want to have to be my den mother forever.  I told her I will heal in time.  What this means I am not sure, lol. 

Terrance gave me some homework today.  I am to dream of things I want to do with my future employment.  I am not to worry about all the fears that may come with achieving this goal. 

One fantasy comes to mind.  It's not really an employment fantasy but it's one of myself doing back flips across a stage.  How freeing that might feel and seem:-).  Of course the applause that would come afterwards would be a reward initself :-).  But in reality I am not that flexible.  I cannot even to the lotus position so I guess becoming a yoga instructor is out :-(!

As of yet my interests are cooking, cats (I think dogs are out of the picture as a life dream, thanks Bobby!), web designing, counselling, writing, humour and photography.  More ideas will flow I'm sure....

I am sure glad I got dressed in my day clothes brushed my hair today though!  It is common for me to stay in pj's with my hair flying all over the place.  I only got dressed knowing that the landlord had sent a repairman in to fix the kitchen lights.  The repairman never showed up or called.  A bit of a nuisance but I would have been here all day anyway. 

Two neighours ended up coming to the door when I was here all alone though so I had to be the one to answer the ring. 

The first neighour returned one of Speckle's collars and the tag that goes with it.  Speckle had lost it because it's a quick release collar so she must have gotten it stuck in a bush or something.  I was glad to get the name tag back though because they don't seem to readily sell the $1 plastic cat tags where you write in the cat's name yourself.  Those are the most practical so I don't get why they are not selling them unless they want us to pay more for the others, uh-hum!!

Neighbour nuber two was returning our run-away dog!!!  Yes, that's right, Bobby the rebel mutt took off today and by the sounds of it nearly got hit by a car on a 60 km stretch of road :-O.  He was gone for 20 minutes...

Bobby does that - runs away.  They aren't as smart as cats about knowning to come back home and all that...His owners who live nearby let him off leash on a regular basis.  He's not really sure what to do w himself but always ends up back home somehow.  All the neighours know him.  It's like a small town out here, lol.  Kerri and I try never to let him alone but sometimes he just slips away when you least expect it ;-().  Shame because there are nice off-leash dog parks around town....

Awww, never a dull moment with a dog in the house!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

The Irony Of Natural Health....

I'm still looking over people's tweets. 

I have to say that some people are soooo boring!  They tweet such sentences as I just got off work.  For this I'm like, um, where's punchline????  I mean come on, Twitter is not Facebook where you have a ton of friends chiming in going, So how was work?, lol.  Even if they did all chime in unless a person retweets their incoming tweets it's only the person you are sending your tweet to that sees all the replies.  So, on the next person...

I thought of a good tweet today as I was in the shower:  

People buy unnatural products and wonder why they are getting skin irritations. Then they buy more unnatural products to clear em up, lol.

Well, I thought that was pretty funny.  Just the fact some people say they don't want to buy all natural products because they are so much pricier but they end up paying double for the extra unnatural product to clear it up.  So why not just buy the one, lol...but really I know that sometimes you can get medicated products for free with insurance but it is funnay nonetheless. 

It really bites that the healthiest products/ food and services are often times the most pricey.  I am hoping that in time people will buy much larger amounts of healthy natural organic products so that the companies can make larger amounts and lower the prices a bit.  Then more people will want to buy healthy products/ food/ services and our bodies/ minds will thank us for it :-). 

I've been on a blood type diet for 8 months.  This diet is very pricey!  I don't even notice much change even though it's an all natural diet.  I do read up on healthy living and it does make sense though.  Maybe I'm on the route to a healthier me.  Who knows??? 

Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Tweets Amuse Me...

Today is an OK day.  I'm just chilling as I do everyday being stuck at home and loving it, lol...I'm pretty tired though.  I was nervous about today's meeting with my case-manager, Jenn, last night, I suppose and kept waking up.

I still am having the on-going difficulties of sleeping at night.  It is a loud house for someone who is as light a sleeper as I am. Kerri is a lot better at being quiet at night, but during the week her alarm wakes me up at 6:30am (if I'm lucky enough to sleep in that late).  Today I fell asleep at 11:20pm.  I could still hear Kerri's daughter Hope's music blarring for her bedroom in the basement below, but I guess my tireness wore out.  Then, I kept waking up in the night and I can't blame it on the cats this time.  Fun times!

So, I had my meeting with Jenn but neither of us touched on the difficulties we are having with each other.  It was like there was nothing wrong at all.  I guess I am suppose to just forget about our issues.  Sad though because we use to be able to work everything out.  

I feel kinda empty now.  I will have to get use to this though, I suppose. So I guess now we can just be like good friends????  Weirdness.  But I am stable enough not to carry on the rage war as I would have in the past.  If something stirs me up then I just take my calming remedy or just STOP!  I think it's a good thing though - the new.  I have work to do but this will come in time...

My new mission in life is finding kewl folks I can follow on twitter.  Well, I do need things to amuse myself with, lol.  I'm not a big games person so...Are you one of those kewl folk?  I am so picky though (shhhhh). 

I'm not interested in someone who posts a lot of links.  I want to just quickly read the 2 lines we are allowed to transcribe and then run back to my TV program, lol.  Well, something like that.  Ya know, I must be retired or something. 

I'm most interested in people and peoples thoughts on life or whatever. 

I read tweets to see if they interest me of course but interest is subjective.  I like people to tweet often enough to catch my interest.  Deep thoughts, inspiration or humour helps. 

I like seeing new tweets every other day or more often but not over 5 on a single day.  Some people just go banana's, lol, but this is rare....

Monday, November 23, 2009

It's The Simple Amusements That Are The Most Fun!

So, I played a good joke on Bobby the dog today. 

Bobby is the doggie Kerri, Hope and I are dog sitting for 6 weeks.  We are at the half-way point of the dogsitting which is good.  We are lucky that Bobby is an elderly dog.  We don't have to do to much for him except the occasional walk and pee run.  The rest of the time, he sleeps.  Well, mostly.  Yes he does try to run through the back sliding doors to chase Spock, the stray cat that seems to have adopted our property.  Yes he does try to chase Speckle and Tate (but never Bob the cat!).

We are really not dog people.  Dogs are waaaay to much work.  Consequently though, we aren't use to some of the funny dog behaviours that go on.  We found out the other week that Bobby runs to the door and barks after a doorbell.  Well, that is normal of course but what we didn't think about was that Bobby will run to the door after a doorbell on TV or if I audio tape the door bell and play it at the back door, lol (I showed my mom the audio taped version and of doorbell just now.  Bobby went bananas, lol). 

Kerri and I have been told that we have waaaay too much time on our hands but we do like to have a bit of fun with Bobby now and again, lol.  It was her funnay idea to audio tape the doorbell sound.  I also have a lot of funny twitter quips that were inspired by Kerri.  She is a good sport in all this stuff.

It is wonderful to find things to laugh about even if some of the giggles are simple and silly.  I do find this dog behaviour amusing.  I'm sure dog owners find it annoying though, lol.

It is a bit worrisome that if Bobby is barking for the doorbell on TV then he will wake me up if Kerri or Hope are watching TV and the doorbell rings after I have gone to bed.  I am a really light sleeper.  This hasn't happened as of yet though, phew!

Anywhoo, I had a good session with Haley my therapist, today.  We had our hour long session over the phone.  I still can't drive anywhere due to my anxiety etc.  It's so awesome I can have have a session when I am practically a shut-in (I went to the store today with Kerri driving but could hardly breathe!)

With Haley, I was talking about a mile a minute about all the problems I am having dealing with my case-manager, Jenn.  I felt totally validated when Haley told me it sounded like Jenn was acting condescending towards me.  I felt so too but I couldn't come up with a word that so perfectly described the way I felt.

Yes, I did feel put down, stupid, and like a child by Jenn's behaviour.  It feels so good to now know that I am not alone thinking this!  Jenn is actually calling me tommorrow morning for a phone check-in.  I'm expecting things will go OK meaning I won't engage in any battles.  Jenn is refusing to take me shopping, I know that.  I do hope to smooth things over though....time will tell...

Sunday, November 22, 2009

Coming Out Is The Bestest Gift I Have Ever Given Myself!

Check this link out peeps:

For those of you interested in same sex issues and gay rights, this may sadden and shock you.
Kerri and I were planning on watching one of the mooovies (I Can't Think Straight) that got stopped at the Canada/ US Border.  Here is the trailer:

I Can't Think Straight is a lesbian flick. Kerri and I would like to watch more lesbian or gay mooovies. Why not? There are tons o heterosexual flicks out there but it's really hard to find same sex mooovies. There is still a lot of fear and ingorance out there which is very sad.

Do some people think we are just being rebellious by being gay or bi? For me I am being true to myself and it feels great! This is not to say that one day if Kerri and I grow apart (which I sooo hope never ever happens) I may fall in love with a man. It hasn't happened yet, but as my homeopath Terrance says, love is energy.

I was so worried when I told Terrance 7 months ago that I was in love with Kerri, that he would go into a mad scramble to find a remedy to make straight. I was still not sure if there was something wrong with me in other peoples eyes. But Terrance did not! Phew! I was and am still so excited that am in love for real for the 1st time in my life!

I use to see the many guys I dated as my friends. I would break up with men or pull away if they said they loved me or ran their fingers through my hair. I felt miserable inside and thought there was something wrong with me. I thought maybe because I was sexually abused as a young child that I would never be able to be touched without feeling fear and anger.

I know now that I was just with the wrong gender and although I am not totally trusting, I know that there was never anything really wrong with me. I was just not being true to who I was. I have always been into women. It makes me feel so happy and free to be a lesbian!

I am happy that I haven't run into homophobia or hate on a personal level. It's just so awesome that Kerri will have the legal right to marry in my province of Ontario.  No plans but it's so nice to know that we can have the same rights as any other couple. 

It is so awesome to be able to kiss and hold hands with Kerri out in public. I am happy to experience true love!