Please Be Compassionate Of My Hermit Status. Don't Make Me Cry No More...

Today I woke up with tension in my back.  My hands were trembling slightly.  I sooo wanted to get rid of the fear and anxiety I felt so I took some valerian, put some lavender oil on, and then put a heating pad on my back and laid back down for 20 minutes.  All this helped a little.  I was no longer shaking.  I sat under my SAD lamp and went on on-line. 

I feel quite nervous and sometimes actually cry because numerous people around me have been telling me to get out of the house.  For me this means I have to drive.  I have explained to these same people numerous times that I use to drive everyday on our inter-city highway and even to Toronto which is five hours away.  This, all before I started taking Lithium.  Since I have been taking the drug (have been on Lithium for over 4 years and for a little while before that) I have found I feel unfocused, more confused, unable to remember words or think about what I was just about to do or say.  I have tried numerous other drugs with even worse side-effects.  Lithium was my last offer from my past psychiatrist.

Do you people really want me on the road when I have all this going on and add to it severe depression and anxiety these days?  No?  I thought so.  So please have compassion for me and trust that I am going to do all I can to get well so that I can be a safe driver (while taking Lithium).  

I do feel guiltier then you all know that I have to rely on Kerri who is already stressed.  We had planned for me not having a car and worked all this out in our minds.  But really all we wanted was to be was to be together because we love each other.  We hope love is enough to get us though this rough patch and that the anxiety will go down once I am able to care for me.  We are getting a long nicely but this situation is hard on both of us.

I have told Kerri all I need is to go food shopping once in awhile.  I can do my appointments over the phone.  In the New Year I will be working with an occupational therapist on my anxiety.  Hopefully my depression which has been tormenting me for almost 2 1/2 months will soon vacate my mind.  I am able to take antidepressants because this triggers my bipolar mania. 

I have a new therapist now who seems really awesome and I have told her I want to get at the underlying issue as to what is troubling me.  This is the only way I feel I can heal and stay healed once and for all.

Terrance, my Homeopath says his method of Heilkunst Homeopathy can get to the underlying issue as well.  Unfortunately since Heilkust Homeopathy works on a cellular level I am being healed by one cell at a time (seems like, lol) so it takes a looong time but hey, western meds never cured me of my allergies, chronic back pain and my knee problem (homeopathy has), so I am hopeful that I can get better from my inner pain.

It would be sweet if I could just let other peoples pain and judgment just roll off my shoulders.  Terrance says this is possible in time with treatment.  Sweet...