Wanting So Much To Get Back To Loving ME!

So, today's been exhausting! 

I have so far spent most of the first part of today crying and totally burnt-out/exhausted.  But now for the past hour I've been jumping out of my skin anxious/ agitated and feel like skipping rope for a few hours to tire myself out again! 

I'm so missing what my calming remedy was doing for me.  I am sooo not calm anymore.  My sleeping is awful again.  My depression is possibly worse.  I'm even sure it's worse because it has been bad for over 2 months (except for one day when I was in a hypomania and raked 6 1/2 bags of weeds!).

I think in the last week it's been hitting me that Christmas is coming.  Although I like Christmas day and going to parties (if I'm not too full of anxiety), I fear the actual dealing with card making and Christmas shopping even if I know what I will get/ buy and say.  Everyone around me is so easy to please gift-wise for this I am so grateful.  But still I am nervous like you wouldn't believe. 

I had a phone check-in with my case-manager Jenn today and this time I was actaully able to say how I really felt.  Jenn assures me that she will get me an occupational therapist to help me not only with my shopping phobia but also that agoraphobia of just leaving the house.  Jenn explained that the OT will first come to the house and teach me relaxation exercises for a couple of sessions before we venture out anywhere.  This makes more sense to me. 

I do feel better about things knowing that I going to get help but I forgot to ask Jenn when this is going to take place...I keep telling myself (actually sort of less and less) that maybe tomorrow I will be OK again and jump in my car or tell Kerri I'm ready to drive somewhere with her support...

Things between Kerri and I are going well.  We are talking to each other about why we do things and act in certain ways. I am saying that my insecurity is getting very bad in wanting closeness and if I don't get it I feel like Kerri doesn't love me anymore.  I realize that I need to re-learn to love myself and perhaps practice saying affirmations or doing the butterfly hug or something just for me and self nurturing.  Otherwise I get left feeling so empty inside.  Kerri never stops loving me but she likes to have some space now and again.  I use to want my space but now I want be around Kerri 24/7 and this is waaaay unhealthy!