Anxiety Aside I Had A Pretty Awesome Day :-).

Today has been a mixed bag.  For most of the day I was hyper agitated.  I couldn't seem to calm down.  I felt jumpy and had some trouble breathing due to anxiety.  When I don't breathe well, of course, my anxiety will get worse.

I was anxious this morning because I thought Kerri was rejecting me by seeming to be emotionally distant at times.  Fortunately she called me on the fact that I was also pulling away emotionally to protect myself from the further pain of perceived rejection (I can't say that my pulling away helped my anxiety any).  Fortunately we talked about what was going on for both of us.  Kerri told me it wasn't about me and she just withdraws while under stress.  I knew that was probably true rationally but my emotional mind still harboured great insecurities over the perceived sense of unlove I felt. 

It seems that if I don't my get constant love vibes I feel like I'm in waaaay to much pain.  Honestly!  Life was simpler when I was single, lol.  Our talk brought me to tears though which took a huge load off my shoulders.  I think it was great that we were able to talk things out.  I know it's hard for me when Kerri pulls away but this is what helps her deal so I will have to think up strategies to help me.  Fitting that we have our relationship counselling tomorrow :-).

Kerri took me to do some food shopping. I still needed a few things.  She did too.  This afternoon shopping trip did not help my anxiety but I am soooo happy that I got the food I couldn't get the other day.  I now have my sucanut (organic sugar) so I can make my baked apple, chocolate, and strawberry sorbet. 

Kerri says she understands about my agoraphobia and that I am not able to do stuff outside without huge anxiety a lot of the time.  I do feel really bad that I moved in with her and then sort of went into hibernation mode all of a sudden.  It's not like I didn't do this at my folks place when I lived with them in the spring and before but it has been pretty bad lately, my illness.  I want to much to be of help and not a lump on a log!

This evening I feel much relieved that I won't need anything at the supermarket for awhile.  Further Kerri rushed out to Costco with myself and Hope in tow to get an actual food processor tonight.  I had been using a blender to make humus and sorbet but the motor was sounding too taxed.  I already broke the first blender of Kerri's and my folks gave us the new one (they found it in the bowels of their basement and it worked!) but I didn't realize that blenders and not really meant for solid food unless it's watered down quite a bit.  Anywhoo we are all set kitchen-wise for a bit me hopes (and we stocked up on yummy smelling scented candles too :-).