Some Days Are Hard - Finding A New Strategy Might Work :-).

I feel like I'm crashing.  Today was very hard.  It doesn't seem to be getting any easier.  I feel like I really need a break.  I do want to blog and I had blogged honestly for the past half hour and then pressed delete post instead of publish.  So, here I am again exhausted.  I am sooo wanting something to feel good about but not able to find anything at the moment and feeling lost and dumb. 

Kerri took me out shopping today.  This was a very hard time for both of us.  I could hardly breathe. You know that smothered feeling.  It kinda freaks me out!  It's been 3 hours since we got home and I am still holding my breath most of the time aka feeling smothered.  When I do this my anxiety gets worse and worse.  It's come to the point where I know that I will not be able to go out with Kerri and her friends for dinner to celebrate one of Kerri's friend's kids birthday's.  I am just so tired and just want to be alone where I can fight back the tears of frustration.

I am also frustrated that I am noticing that some people around me are miss-reading situations that are not in my control at this time.  I try to explain how hard it is for me and what is really going on in my head but I feel that I am not being heard.  It's as if I was still my rage-aholic former self and people sure misunderstood me then.  I thought trying to explain things without raising my voice that things would be better but they are no better as far as I can tell.  I just hold on to waaay to much and hurt like crazy...

I think tonight I just need me time.  I haven't had that yet today.  When I am stressed out this hardly counts as me time, does it?

Okay so goals for this evening while I am alone:

1.  call the crisis line.  This can help if I am able to get through all the busy signals, grrr.
2.  deep breathe
3.  listen to songs that help bring out my feelings
4.  pray to my higher power for strength
5.  eat something substantial
6. find something to laugh about...I sent this video to Kerri:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDgAdXTcs00 

She didn't seem to get the humour behind it but I did :-).  As I said before it is loud in this house.  I try not to intervene during the day or at night.  Kerri and Hope are heavy sleepers and so no one keeps them awake!  When I lived with my folks, my mom was a light sleeper like me and so I got into the habit of being quiet and turning the tv down etc at night or during nap times etc.  Here the sound carries it being a split level house.  It's a nice size though (for daytime, hehe).

I do sleep much better using the remedy my homeopath Terrance gave me to calm me.  Hopefully I will still feel OK as I continue to wean off and stop it altogether...this is scary though i.e. will I still be OK; calm, and feel the detachment that this remedy brings me?

Anywhoo, this is me today and hopefully tomorrow will be a more relaxing day!  Ciao :-).