The Paradoxical Detox

I am in a really baaaad depression. Crying and staying in bed has become my norm for the past couple of days. Insomnia is baaaad too.

I just wrote about 5 pages in my diary. I rarely use my diary. I just needed an outlook that I didn't necessarily want to share with anyone.

I think I'm coming out of the deep depression slowly though because here I am blogging again. I have to say those past couple of days I wasn't blogging, my head and heart seemed to go dead. I snapped internally. I went inside myself losing interest most things including food. Had no energy to sit up like this and write. I have a desk-top computer so I literally have to sit up! I didn't want to feel because I was in such deep pain.

Perhaps this pain stems from the latest detox that my homeopath, Terrance, gave me do take for the last 3 evenings (starting the night before I crashed). Terrance was detoxing me off a very emotional event during a mania 6 years ago. I'm not even sure if this is why I crashed because all the pain that came out was the opposite of what I felt at the time. But this has happened in detoxes before.

For so many hours I laid thinking 'Why am I doing this?' Why don't I quit the blood type diet, at least. I'm not feeling any better...I know I'm stubborn but....

There was an event that led me to the ultimate crash, but I don't really feel like going into that. It's just that so many things have been stressing me lately. Five pages worth!

I'm also really getting fed up that I am not able to get out and food shop for myself. I'm not driving like this though. Kerri got me a few things but she is getting tired of helping me all the time when I am too sick to come with her.

I guess I've been done fighting for awhile now. Ever since the calming remedy I have let my anger go inside myself and Kerri even said I was doing much better. Shockingly better, lol. I'm not saying I don't still say the odd snide remark or get angry. It's just that I don't bother fighting so hard anymore to make every thing my way. In the end I feel a lot of sadness because I do want some control over my life but it seems that I'm not at a place yet where I am able to honestly take care of me. This makes me sad and so I feel pain. I feel sooo much sorrow.

Having others take care of me is the last thing I wanted and yet it's the only thing I have ever known in my life....