I feel a lot more positive about things today, yay!
I am still crying though from time to time, but it's a good thing. I had been carrying a lot of anxiety and hurt around with me for a very long time....
I feel I have been going though a whole rejection theme.
On Friday my case-manager Jenn's boss, Mary, didn't show up for our support appointment. Mary instead scheduled a meeting between her and her boss during our time-slot. The week before Mary didn't show up either.
Mary promises she will come this Friday. She gets how much I need people to keep their word and how important support appointments are to me. Friday was a misunderstanding in her mind and the week before she was alone in the office so I have hope that this week she will come.
Mary doesn't even have to make appointments with me but does so because she wants too. She knows I enjoy our in-person appointments. In addition she gives phone support as needed and answers any e-mails if stuff comes up and I don't want to bother her on the phone.
So, that's what 'the crash' was all about: feeling rejection from Mary. It happened at the wrong time of the month and also during a difficult detox off of an event that troubled me in my past. Yes peeps - you can be detoxed off of anything. Even tattoo's, lol...
I was able to have a 1/2 hour phone session with Mary Friday, during which I was curled up on my carpeted floor in front of my electric heater (for comfort) and bawling. I was sooo hurt that Mary didn't come for our session that my tummy hurt...
In addition to all the rejection around the missed appointment I felt I was not wanted in my own home. Kerri and her daughter, Hope, over heard me on the phone with Daria, a long time friend last evening and this was a pivotal moment. I actually finally talked to my family, Hope and Kerri, and got to say how I felt for real. I found out that they were not rejecting me. I found out that I am wanted in my home. This is great news!
So now, at home, I think we have a much better understanding about things. No great and wonderful answers but tips for communication so we don't send mixed messages and hurt each other.
Communication is hard. I just told Kerri to tell me how she feels if she seems distant or upset. This, so I don't blame myself for something that isn't mine to blame. This so that I can help instead of hurt....awww...
Kerri and I are opposites in everything and so often we don't know how to deal with each other. But this is normal. Relationships of any kind are hard hard work! I feel much more positive about things now.
Why am I still sad? I am growing....
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