Will I Ever Learn To Communicate With Confidence Face To Face?

It would be wicked cool to find out what the underlying cause of all my anxiety is. With all the therapy I have had people have come to all sorts of conclusions about my colourful life. The life theme my last therapist Ann focused on was my 13 childhood surgeries. Fun times!

I do believe that if I don't figure out the underlying cause of my anxiety I will have to be forever chasing relaxation. Relaxation will meanwhile be running 10 feet away from me at full force! Feels like it anyway. And, yeah I have a ton-o-anxiety today.

This morning I had a pre-scheduled meeting with my case-manager, Jenn. I was completely floored that she didn't bring up any of the problems in our relationship.

I was afraid to bring up the shopping issue. I was also afraid to bring up the fact that I got upset at her last week for her not wanting to call me back right away after I missed her call by like a second literally. This resulted in no support call for me.

I had been on a surprise phone call by my outreach worker Tori who called literally 2 minutes before Jenn. It was the first time since the fire a week ago when she called me. I let her go in time but pressed talk instead of hang-up to get the other line...I am sooo not use to call display and a double line!

So, today, Jenn and I had a really ordinary conversation about nothing upsetting (aside from the fact that I am upset because I don't feel supported). I use to be able to really talk to Jenn for supportive counselling and she use to be really on my level. Now it's like a power struggle, or currently a power outage because I feel I must silence myself because I don't know how to say how I feel without being further hurt in our relationship. What's up with that?

Fortunately I just got the confidence to call my Jenn's answering machine and say how I really feel without anger. I just said I was hurt. I am hurt because I didn't understand what is going on. I felt angry and freaked out when it wasn't explained to me how I am suppose to shop alone and only use Jenn as a Taxi service. I said what I was feeling in a state of near tears and so it didn't come out in a hurtful way, I hope...

Today is Friday and Jenn will come over Tuesday. Hopefully we can talk things through and lessen some of the hurt I feel.