For the past couple of years in the fall, I have gone into hibernation mode. This year is worse then last year. I don't find anything helps for this. I use the S.A.D lamp but but I don't notice it helps me. I can't take any antidepressants as they make me manic.
I am happiest when I am home watching television or on-line, in fact, this is about all I do these days. I like the warmth of the living room when we are burning a fire or sitting next to the electric heater Kerri has let me use. I like the snuggle time I have with Kerri and giggling still comes easy to me...
It doesn't help that I no longer have a support-line with staff who have known me for years. The staff are all busy dealing with a devastating fire which killed one of their clients...
I have haven't touched the calming homeopathic remedy for the past two days. I thought not taking it for a bit would help me wake up but I'm just as tired and pretty much as mellow as before. I still carry all the same fears and anxieties though. I will resume the remedy tonight as I was only suppose to stop it briefly. I'm not sure if it will help me with confidence building to get back out in the real world though. I do have a tendency of catastrophizing and thinking of the worst so I do live in fear but I hope to overcome this too one day.
My problem is I remember too much and tend to go over and over things that have happened to me. I think tonight being a Sunday night is much harder for me than Friday or Saturday night because I worry that someone will call me up tomorrow, Monday, with more news of the fire. Already I've heard that know one knows what happened. The lady who died of 2nd and 3rd degree burns wasn't cooking. She didn't have a stove in her room. She was a non smoker and the building is non smoking anyway.
I still miss the staff and feel for them and each and every resident. I feel like an outsider now. Every time something use to happen when I lived in the group home we went through it together and now I feel like I'm all alone and hurting like I don't belong there anymore...I never was one to reach out. People come to me...
Will this fear/ anxiety/ sadness ever end for me????
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