Why You Don't Want To Go Off Your Meds > Bipolar's...

I have been following the story of the flight attendant who went off her bipolar meds. http://www.leadertelegram.com/news/daily_updates/article_873dc40b-1f48-5d73-a406-5eb21f51b9f9.html. I worry that her actions may have potentially caused post-traumatic stress in passengers some if who may have been afraid to get on an airplane in the first place…I feel for these people.

As you know I too have bipolar disorder. Unfortunately it took my doctors till I was 28 to get this diagnosis confirmed. Incidents of psychosis for me started at 20 years of age. At that time I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. This was accurate at the time but the docs failed to realize that I was not coping because of bipolar and PTSD and other anxiety disorders. I think most people have attempted to get off their meds. We have a love hate relationship with this things right? I have tried, once, in an attempt to get manic. I am depressed mostly on my meds the only think it does is keep me from getting loopy. I wanted the happy part of mania. So, I took a friends antidepressant. Instead I ended up in the ER, brilliant right? That was the only time I tried that, lol. I did not hurt anyone. I just had a racing heart it scared me. I was living in a group home.

I have talked to multiple people who have stopped bipolar meds because they feel ‘fine’ or ‘better’. But does it ever occur to people that they feel better because of the meds? If someone with bipolar disorder wants to be weaned of their meds they talk to their doctor who will do so s-l-o-w-l-y and safely…

I worry this story makes people with bipolar disorder look like demons. That’s what I thought when I heard the scream on the video. I use to think I had a demon in my head to when I was 14. I didn’t want to say anything because I felt that mental illness was a weakness and I know some people still feel this way. Stresses often set off an episode or psychosis. We are more sensitive perhaps but on our meds we fit right into society and its genetic, its not our fault we have this...some of us are highly intelligent and able to work...I can't see this lady ever being in the air as a profession again but it will be interesting to see...

I definitely want to get to the underlying issue of why I am ‘this’ way. I am aware of the signs that I might be getting sick from my bipolar particularly the upswing/psychosis: I don't sleep, I am fidgety, can't sit still, can't stop talking, talking to myself, feeling I am one with 'God,' hearing things, feeling high and other stuff. You probably get the idea > loopy. How could the staff have missed this on the pre-flight?

Luckily I have an anti-psychotic Zyprexa that I can take as an extra med if I feel the 'signs'. This is the med the doctors always gave me in the ER when I would go when I was manic/psychotic so its great I don’t have to worry about going in again and I love it! I haven't been to the ER for any med related issue in 5 years.

I really hope this flight attendant is OK.

People its just really important to take your meds if you need them. Don’t ruin your life. Live the live you are given. Its really ok to have a mental illness but you have to take care of yourself as do we all…

What do you think?

How Long Do Humans Go Into Hibernation For???? Meh.

For the past couple of years in the fall, I have gone into hibernation mode. This year is worse then last year. I don't find anything helps for this. I use the S.A.D lamp but but I don't notice it helps me. I can't take any antidepressants as they make me manic.

I am happiest when I am home watching television or on-line, in fact, this is about all I do these days. I like the warmth of the living room when we are burning a fire or sitting next to the electric heater Kerri has let me use. I like the snuggle time I have with Kerri and giggling still comes easy to me...

It doesn't help that I no longer have a support-line with staff who have known me for years. The staff are all busy dealing with a devastating fire which killed one of their clients...

I have haven't touched the calming homeopathic remedy for the past two days. I thought not taking it for a bit would help me wake up but I'm just as tired and pretty much as mellow as before. I still carry all the same fears and anxieties though. I will resume the remedy tonight as I was only suppose to stop it briefly. I'm not sure if it will help me with confidence building to get back out in the real world though. I do have a tendency of catastrophizing and thinking of the worst so I do live in fear but I hope to overcome this too one day.

My problem is I remember too much and tend to go over and over things that have happened to me. I think tonight being a Sunday night is much harder for me than Friday or Saturday night because I worry that someone will call me up tomorrow, Monday, with more news of the fire. Already I've heard that know one knows what happened. The lady who died of 2nd and 3rd degree burns wasn't cooking. She didn't have a stove in her room. She was a non smoker and the building is non smoking anyway.

I still miss the staff and feel for them and each and every resident. I feel like an outsider now. Every time something use to happen when I lived in the group home we went through it together and now I feel like I'm all alone and hurting like I don't belong there anymore...I never was one to reach out. People come to me...

Will this fear/ anxiety/ sadness ever end for me????

The Paradoxical Detox

I am in a really baaaad depression. Crying and staying in bed has become my norm for the past couple of days. Insomnia is baaaad too.

I just wrote about 5 pages in my diary. I rarely use my diary. I just needed an outlook that I didn't necessarily want to share with anyone.

I think I'm coming out of the deep depression slowly though because here I am blogging again. I have to say those past couple of days I wasn't blogging, my head and heart seemed to go dead. I snapped internally. I went inside myself losing interest most things including food. Had no energy to sit up like this and write. I have a desk-top computer so I literally have to sit up! I didn't want to feel because I was in such deep pain.

Perhaps this pain stems from the latest detox that my homeopath, Terrance, gave me do take for the last 3 evenings (starting the night before I crashed). Terrance was detoxing me off a very emotional event during a mania 6 years ago. I'm not even sure if this is why I crashed because all the pain that came out was the opposite of what I felt at the time. But this has happened in detoxes before.

For so many hours I laid thinking 'Why am I doing this?' Why don't I quit the blood type diet, at least. I'm not feeling any better...I know I'm stubborn but....

There was an event that led me to the ultimate crash, but I don't really feel like going into that. It's just that so many things have been stressing me lately. Five pages worth!

I'm also really getting fed up that I am not able to get out and food shop for myself. I'm not driving like this though. Kerri got me a few things but she is getting tired of helping me all the time when I am too sick to come with her.

I guess I've been done fighting for awhile now. Ever since the calming remedy I have let my anger go inside myself and Kerri even said I was doing much better. Shockingly better, lol. I'm not saying I don't still say the odd snide remark or get angry. It's just that I don't bother fighting so hard anymore to make every thing my way. In the end I feel a lot of sadness because I do want some control over my life but it seems that I'm not at a place yet where I am able to honestly take care of me. This makes me sad and so I feel pain. I feel sooo much sorrow.

Having others take care of me is the last thing I wanted and yet it's the only thing I have ever known in my life....

Mmmmmmmm Homemade Strawberry Sorbet :-).

Today I nose dived off from wherever, to a deep depression, yet again! Fun times....I had a good morning though until about 11am when I started feeling the downward plunge. By that time I had already started the day long process of making a strawberry sorbet as seen here:

http://www.joyofbaking.com/StrawberrySorbet.html#ixzz0UOLGw42v

...and cooked some chicken for freezing and later adding to salads.

I actually cried when Kerri offered to take me to the organic market for more food I had to say no. I had been up and since 6:30am though so got some stuff done.

A depression crash, for me, is like the feeling of dragging my whole body through water with every motion. This is the time I know I can't fight my depression and just have to STOP! I feel so absolutely defeated! Why me? Why can't I do what I want to? Why all the energy zaps and some days I have waaaaay too much energy????

Yeah, I know why. I'm bipolar, meh, lol.

I had picked up some stuff at the grocery store where Kerri took me yesterday. Unfortunately being on this O blood type diet, you can't find everything you need at a grocery store. I have to say though that grocery stores, especially The Great Canadian Superstore on Eagleson are selling a lot more organic food now :-). They are a little cheaper then health food stores too being able to buy in bulk and that.....

I am still in the process of freezing my sorbet but it looks really excellent and kinda 'gelly' so not like a Mr.Freezy. That's the way I wanted it. I had visions of myself having to use an axe to chop it up into bit size spoonfuls....well, ya know this is my 1st time making sorbet, lol.

Anywhoo, here is a cute pick of the little furry cuties. They are sleeping together all happy in a large soft chair.

I cannot stress my happiness enough that Speckle (on the right) has friends! Petsmart had said not to get her a cat friend. I figure this was due to her strong territorial instinct. This has not been a problem at Kerri's.

I knew Speckle needed a friend especially in the winters. She was always wanting me to play, play, play!!! She tired me out, lol.

Speckle is sooo happy here (and I only have one vet bill :-D).

Gotta Love Those Autumn Leaves :-D

Today I got my energy all back (and then some :-D).

I bounced out of bed at 6:30am. Finally I was in the mood for a shower and change of clothes after hanging out in pjs for the past few days. I had been groggy in the mornings (or try the whole day most days) for the past 2 weeks! My home0pathic remedy for calm really knocked me out and being depressed didn't help. I never wanted to get out of bed for my usual 7:30 wake-up these past couple of weeks.

This morning I was thinking that after 3 weeks of misery I was hoping that my up in mood would be a positive. But instead of going back to some normal functional mode I was jittery and running around distracting myself with tunes all morning. Jumpy, speedy so still unable to drive, argh!!!!

So anywhoo, I did put my new found energy to work by raking up the leaves for an hour and a half (all 6 1/2 bags of them) this afternoon. There will be plenty more leaves to rake though. We don't even touch the backyard so this is all just a small fraction of the leaves on our country property!

I actually love being outside on nice days (contrary to what I sometimes say, lol). Today was a beautiful sunny 11 C fall day :-).

Speckle was showing off as per usual outside whizzing around me and zooming here and there. She is so funny :-D.

So, now I feel better about myself having actually achieved something today! Yaaaaay!

Oh, and I sang Cry Little Sister (Lost Boys Theme)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7fFo-WZsm5Q into a digitalized tape recorder. I don't know how to get the audio on-line though, so you are all spared, bahaha!

But on a serious note, I am bipolar y'all and being up is about as unhealthy and being down. Is there no middle ground anymore? Meh! Now off to the next project :-P.

Thinking and Avoidance Behaviour - Bad Combination!

Today I have more energy but am still far from wanting to get out of my pj's and leave the house.

I am really nervous to drive, I know that. I've been super nervous for the past 10 years or so but now that I live in the country I've been attempting to challenge this fear. My excuse for not driving is that I could kill someone.

A couple of days before I 'crashed' mentally and got into this 3 week depression, I was driving along Carling Avenue at 60 or 70 km an hour. Just as I was finishing up going through an intersection this bicyclist crashed into my car. What are the chances that a cyclist doesn't see me in a car? Come on higher power ya think ya gonna stop teasing me and let me at least try to get my confidence for driving back in style???????

Anywhoo, I screeeeeched on the brakes and the sound could be heard a mile away or more I'm sure. I don't know if I touched him but I thought I had cut his legs off at first. I was horrified! My step-dad, Jim, and I were stunned. I said to Jim, "What do we do now?" Jim said he didn't know. The bicyclist was stunned, I guess. Jim and I both looked at the light fearing that I had gone through a red light but the light was just turning orange. I had done nothing wrong I had just been driving through a green light and following the flow of traffic.

Jim and I watched in awe as this near accident victim just bicycled away just like nothing had happened.

Well, I could have not only killed the bicyclist but caused a huge pile up if the cars behind me had the other cars not stopped in time....too close to comfort! So I know I need to drive when I am well and perhaps get my confidence back.

It was weird though because after the 'accident' with the cyclist I was fine the rest of that day and two days after I was offering to go pick people up for the ALSO Fundraiser. I had so much confidence. I was also not sleeping good for 2 weeks around that time which is never a good sign if you are bipolar like me!

Now I still want to stay home and in my pj's day after day. I do need food but haven't make any motion to go get it. The last time I went food shopping was with my case-manager Jenn and we ended up getting separated and I thought she had left with half my groceries and asked her where she went. Jenn ended up telling me that shopping wasn't even in her job description.

So, shopping causes fights, and driving causes accidents, hmmm.

What to do? I think I am anxious. There is too much stress. I feel like I'm just tuning everything out in favour of numbness to protect myself because I am sick of feeling bad and getting hurt. I don't want to fight anymore and I just want to have peace in my life.

Avoiding things is not the way I'd like to do things though, however I do need to heal; take care of me and not hold on to sooo much!

In The Crash - Day Two....

I am still in 'the crash!' Sooo tired. My heart rate has felt elevated for most of today. I just took my heart rate and it is not just in my head. My heart is beating 104bpm and it's usually around 76! I know this is just anxiety. I've been resting for 2 days now but feeling stressed. I have to remember to breeeathe!

I am trying to get a 'me' day but Kerri doesn't understand. She arrived home from her first shift today there was no 'Hi Honey' from either of us. She asked me in what I felt was a rhetorical question 'Who left the garage door open, was it you?' When I went to answer she was repeating the question. I said that I brought the cat little waste and put it in the garage. I didn't realize the garage had opened again because it was closing when I had left it. Usually I wait to make sure but it was raining and I was out in my nightie...The only problem with leaving the garage door open is that Bobby the door sometimes runs loose around the neighbourhood and tears apart our food garbage bag that we will store their once full. Bobby is in our house so I wasn't even concerned. But I will be next time :-).

Then it was my turn to inform Kerri that Bobby (the dog) was eating the sandwich she or Hope had left in the kitchen. I had just taken my ear plugs out this am to hear Kerri leave when I heard the rustling. As tired and drugged up as I felt I got up to rescue the already chewed upon sandwich...this didn't help my day get off to a great start either...

I am trying to just lay low. To stay in my room. I can't really explain to Kerri why because that might just start another fight. I just want some space to rest. I'm sooo tired! What I might eventually want is a hug and a cuddle. That's all I've been craving for for the past few days...

My nerves are sooo bad. I take nothing for anxiety. The homeopathic remedies bring out all this stuff. I have been known to be the sickest towards the end of the month before I see him (in 2 days). I sometimes go crawling back to see Terrance, my Homeopath, wishing for more remedies and hoping the worst is over and I can figure out how to be zen for the first time ever and get on with life!

Anywhoo...here are Kerri and our cats. They quite like my bed, likely, because this is the only cosy room accessible to the cats where the dog is not allowed to go in...so it smells like cat and not dog! Sorry Bobby the dog! Thing is though, when I need to sleep or nap I have to squish between Bob the orange cat and Speckle the dark on to the right....and I do squish as I don't want the have to disturb the cats!

Today, I Shall Rest To Reclaim My Sanity And Hope For A Better Tomorrow....

Today I have decided that I need a time-out! I do have stuff I was suppose to do but I am unable to do anything do to my bipolar and self-esteem issues.

I am sooo sick of feeling that I am worthless; childlike and not good enough.

For the last 2 weeks and two days (ending yesterday), I had been feeling great so I went out and did things. Life didn't change. There was stuff upsetting me that whole time but I was sooo strong and able to let everything roll off my shoulders. I was not effected by negativity much at all.

Today I am just taking back what is mine - a certain level of control which I feel has been taken away from me.

I am resting. When have I had time to rest lately? I try so hard to do everything be everything to everyone. I don't always say the things I should or act the way I should but I am trying my best. If that's not enough (which it may well be not enough) it makes me very sad and now I feel the tears well up in my eyes because I have waaay to many feelings. I care sooo much it gets in the way of everything I do and say....How to stop the intensity of it all? How do I detach when I feel so trapped?

Hmmm....I will think about that today as I rest. I do have an appointment with my therapist in a couple of hours. I have told her I will do a phone appointment because I am in no shape to drive in to see her....Hopefully she can coach me to be a better person if need be or to accept the person that I am flaws and all...I am getting back to saying affirmations. I forget them sometimes...and I have been forgetting about Little Lisa for a bit...she is 5 and I'm suppose to bring her around with me and nurture her because she is in need of nurturing too!

Oh, The Day Starts With A Jolt. What To Do?

I feel angry and yet unfortunately this is soo usual for me. I feel angry because my girlfriend Kerri's alarm clock was beeping at me from her bedroom in the next room. I do wear expensive fitted ear plugs but I can still hear a lot! Kerri was actually downstairs and didn't even hear her alarm so I had to get up out of bed and go into her bedroom to shut it off...I was still tired but too angry to go back to zzz-land argh!). Getting a good night sleep is so hard!!!

It's no wonder Kerri doesn't believe in Homeopathy. I have been doing Homeopathy since December for anxiety and it has not done much, if anything to help it as of yet. On the plus side it has almost completely wiped out my seasonal allergies; taken away the chronic back pain, and my knee pain that use to keep me from walking more then 3 minutes at a time. So I have hope that Homeopathy with take away my anxiety, in time.

Homeopathy works on healing all of you bit by bit. You can't just see a Homeopathic Practitioner (or at least the one I see) for like one thing. It just doesn't work that way. I do pay for Homeopathy but I do know that it has saved me time and money already. I use to go 2x a week to an Acupuncturist, Dr. Yang. I stared out seeing Dr. Yang for my anxiety. That lasted a year but didn't help it over all. It was nice though, like a massage. It was heavenly until the needles got taken out and I left the office. I saw Dr. Yang a second year for the chronic back pain that lasted a year. Acupuncture it didn't help my back or my anxiety because it wasn't able to help the underlying cause if my symptoms....So now I have more time and money to do other things and more money to spend on other things.

With my knee problem, I was almost ready to go pay for a physiotherapist because the wait list for an OHIP one was so lengthy...I told my Homeopath Terrance that maybe I need something for my knee because its not going away and it had been 2 months of pain. Terrance gave me something for it and 2 weeks later I woke up with this pain in the right side of my lower back (my knee pain was in the right and so were the probable cysts found in my breast). After an hour the pain moved to my middle back and then an hour later it was gone. I was intrigued since Homeopathy brings stuff out... but I wasn't paying much attention until 3 days later when I was walking with my case-manager Jenn. Jenn says 'You are not wearing your tensor!' I'm like 'Oh yeah, cool!' This was last week and I've been walking on it lots and it feels so good to be healed. All I had to do was put a drop of remedy on my tongue 5 x a day! I didn't pay a cent for physio although I did ask my family doc for a sheet of physio exercises to do on my own at home for my knee. Doctor's can give out info like that no problem...

About my anger though, Kerri that I need my sleep. I'm sure her not shutting off her alarm was an honest mistake. When I get angry though I get that speedy feeling when I rage like this. Kerri wonders if it's bipolar or rapid cycling sometimes because I get all racing and then the next moment I am fine but embarrassed and filled with shame. I don't know how to take it down.

I do know that I need food, again. This is where I feel so trapped. The nearest food store would be an hour walk away and I there are only rush hour buses that would take me. This means on only one direction unless I take an hour an a half to go in the other direction including a half hour walk to the bus stop. I was able to drive and I shopping 2 days ago. But I misjudged that I would run out of lettuce so fast. Now I have barely any left for the chicken salad I want to make for lunch today. I also noticed at breakfast that there are only enough eggs to last me until Saturday but everyone uses the eggs so I am sure I won't breakfast soon either. My girlfriend says she won't drive me for food today. I am so agitated I don't think driving is a safe decision on my own.

In 2 days I have to go on a special 6 day diet for a colon cancer test. For this test I will have to drastically cut down my vitamin C and cut out beef entirely. Cutting down vitamin C is scary as I worry this will compromise my already stressed out immune system and make me physically sick! But, I do want to do the test since there are already cyst like bumps in my breasts I know I need to be careful although there is a history of breast cancer and none of colon cancer...awww breathe!

To Face Or Not To Face Your Fears....

Ever watch that movie The Gods Must Be Crazy?

That's right, the one with the African Tribe that sees a Coke bottle fall from the sky from what they think is a bird. It's not a true story but rather a comedy and I roar laughing every time I see it...The story goes that this African tribe had been peaceful and loving until this new and wonderful tool came into their lives. They found the bottle wonderful, at first. They could do their work much faster. But one problem. There was only one of it. So came the bickering and fighting and the injuries when kids would play with it and bonk each other in the head with it. It became such a frustration that the elder went and tossed it off a cleft (what he thought was the end of the world).

I keep thinking of this movie and the moral in how it relates to Kerri and I. When I was living w my folks and dating Kerri we use to fight but then I was feeling better and the fighting stopped. 2 weeks later I moved in. It was suppose to be only a 2 night stay but the move was frightening for both me and my cat Speckle and since we had intended to move in anyways in another 5 weeks we decided to try it out. And things were peaceful for 3 weeks at Kerri's. Then my folks, realizing that Kerri had to drive me around everywhere since we were in the country and she drove standard and I do not, they gave me a car. That's when I started feeling more stressed and Kerri and I started fighting again. Usually over me being fearful and refusing to drive and her trying to get me to do so.

Driving has been for years my worst fear. I had been thinking that Kerri could drive me on my worst days and she had been - until yesterday when she told me that she wasn't taking me to get my meds!!! This after a day I had spent 5 hours of mostly weeding but also tending to the 3 cats and emptying the dishwasher. I had a panic attack that morning after she ask if I could drive her somewhere so had to refuse after initially I agreed to. I may have seemed angry but I was panicking and I'm so sorry that my tone gets sharp or that I said 'Shut-up'. I notice Judged Judy says that same thing and I actually find her behaviour offensive but Kerri agrees with her methods....

If I walked to get my meds it would take me an hour. On a sprained knee that would be really unhealthy. Also walking, jogging, or biking along the 60 km stretch of road to get to the store is quite dangerous. People have been hit multiple times although usually on bicycles....So I have decided to try to have my meds delivered. I was up in the night and chatting to my Facebook buddies and one guy gets his meds delivered but not by my pharmacy. I forgot to ask him where and how much they charge but you can get free delivery but usually that's only certain ones like Dejardin. I would prefer one closer to home and to pick up my meds (which I have to get every other week by doccette) so that I could drive because if you get delivery you need to be home and you don't really know when they will come....

So, that obstacle over with. Luckily I have tons o friends on-line. It's hard when I am awake at night and my mind/ body is racing and I feel jumpy. Talking (and blogging) helps ground me. I am honest with the details. I just want to learn from my mistakes. I know sometimes I keep making the same mistakes over again but I am trying and learning...I was also telling my mom who helps out tons that I am much calmer and having less panic attacks then when I 1st moved into her basement apartment....so there is hope for me yet and hopefully Kerri and I can continue to mend our woes!