Why You Don't Want To Go Off Your Meds > Bipolar's...

I have been following the story of the flight attendant who went off her bipolar meds. http://www.leadertelegram.com/news/daily_updates/article_873dc40b-1f48-5d73-a406-5eb21f51b9f9.html. I worry that her actions may have potentially caused post-traumatic stress in passengers some if who may have been afraid to get on an airplane in the first place…I feel for these people.

As you know I too have bipolar disorder. Unfortunately it took my doctors till I was 28 to get this diagnosis confirmed. Incidents of psychosis for me started at 20 years of age. At that time I was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder. This was accurate at the time but the docs failed to realize that I was not coping because of bipolar and PTSD and other anxiety disorders. I think most people have attempted to get off their meds. We have a love hate relationship with this things right? I have tried, once, in an attempt to get manic. I am depressed mostly on my meds the only think it does is keep me from getting loopy. I wanted the happy part of mania. So, I took a friends antidepressant. Instead I ended up in the ER, brilliant right? That was the only time I tried that, lol. I did not hurt anyone. I just had a racing heart it scared me. I was living in a group home.

I have talked to multiple people who have stopped bipolar meds because they feel ‘fine’ or ‘better’. But does it ever occur to people that they feel better because of the meds? If someone with bipolar disorder wants to be weaned of their meds they talk to their doctor who will do so s-l-o-w-l-y and safely…

I worry this story makes people with bipolar disorder look like demons. That’s what I thought when I heard the scream on the video. I use to think I had a demon in my head to when I was 14. I didn’t want to say anything because I felt that mental illness was a weakness and I know some people still feel this way. Stresses often set off an episode or psychosis. We are more sensitive perhaps but on our meds we fit right into society and its genetic, its not our fault we have this...some of us are highly intelligent and able to work...I can't see this lady ever being in the air as a profession again but it will be interesting to see...

I definitely want to get to the underlying issue of why I am ‘this’ way. I am aware of the signs that I might be getting sick from my bipolar particularly the upswing/psychosis: I don't sleep, I am fidgety, can't sit still, can't stop talking, talking to myself, feeling I am one with 'God,' hearing things, feeling high and other stuff. You probably get the idea > loopy. How could the staff have missed this on the pre-flight?

Luckily I have an anti-psychotic Zyprexa that I can take as an extra med if I feel the 'signs'. This is the med the doctors always gave me in the ER when I would go when I was manic/psychotic so its great I don’t have to worry about going in again and I love it! I haven't been to the ER for any med related issue in 5 years.

I really hope this flight attendant is OK.

People its just really important to take your meds if you need them. Don’t ruin your life. Live the live you are given. Its really ok to have a mental illness but you have to take care of yourself as do we all…

What do you think?

Please Be Compassionate Of My Hermit Status. Don't Make Me Cry No More...

Today I woke up with tension in my back.  My hands were trembling slightly.  I sooo wanted to get rid of the fear and anxiety I felt so I took some valerian, put some lavender oil on, and then put a heating pad on my back and laid back down for 20 minutes.  All this helped a little.  I was no longer shaking.  I sat under my SAD lamp and went on on-line. 

I feel quite nervous and sometimes actually cry because numerous people around me have been telling me to get out of the house.  For me this means I have to drive.  I have explained to these same people numerous times that I use to drive everyday on our inter-city highway and even to Toronto which is five hours away.  This, all before I started taking Lithium.  Since I have been taking the drug (have been on Lithium for over 4 years and for a little while before that) I have found I feel unfocused, more confused, unable to remember words or think about what I was just about to do or say.  I have tried numerous other drugs with even worse side-effects.  Lithium was my last offer from my past psychiatrist.

Do you people really want me on the road when I have all this going on and add to it severe depression and anxiety these days?  No?  I thought so.  So please have compassion for me and trust that I am going to do all I can to get well so that I can be a safe driver (while taking Lithium).  

I do feel guiltier then you all know that I have to rely on Kerri who is already stressed.  We had planned for me not having a car and worked all this out in our minds.  But really all we wanted was to be was to be together because we love each other.  We hope love is enough to get us though this rough patch and that the anxiety will go down once I am able to care for me.  We are getting a long nicely but this situation is hard on both of us.

I have told Kerri all I need is to go food shopping once in awhile.  I can do my appointments over the phone.  In the New Year I will be working with an occupational therapist on my anxiety.  Hopefully my depression which has been tormenting me for almost 2 1/2 months will soon vacate my mind.  I am able to take antidepressants because this triggers my bipolar mania. 

I have a new therapist now who seems really awesome and I have told her I want to get at the underlying issue as to what is troubling me.  This is the only way I feel I can heal and stay healed once and for all.

Terrance, my Homeopath says his method of Heilkunst Homeopathy can get to the underlying issue as well.  Unfortunately since Heilkust Homeopathy works on a cellular level I am being healed by one cell at a time (seems like, lol) so it takes a looong time but hey, western meds never cured me of my allergies, chronic back pain and my knee problem (homeopathy has), so I am hopeful that I can get better from my inner pain.

It would be sweet if I could just let other peoples pain and judgment just roll off my shoulders.  Terrance says this is possible in time with treatment.  Sweet...

Snowville....

Today I still feel hyper/ tense/ jitter/ mad and at times severely fatigued.  I am pretty sure it's more then my bipolar and anxiety. 

Homeopathy brings stuff out usually 12-14 days after I start a new remedy I feel awful in some way or another.  Sometimes I am living hell for people to be around.  I guess you could say it's like a second pms :-O.  Since I'm being detoxed of celexa (an anti-depressant) and haldol (an anti-psychotic) I am feeling manicky at times and when I am angry I am saying things I later regret.  I find it hard when stuff is coming out like this to be around people. 

I also tend to take on everyone else's stress and when I have stuff coming out for me I feel angry that I have to deal with everyone else and me all in one.  I guess this sounds selfish and I really need to get back into doing work on me for me like yoga and bubble baths (I know I say that but...).  Today I did a bit of the butterfly hug (with arms crossed and tapping the left and right hand simultaneously on my shoulders), drank relaxation tea, had valerian, and also lavender.  All that calmed me enough to make some granola, yum!


Hope, Kerri and I have been busy shovelling snow.  Here is the end result. 

Yesterday, on 3 hours sleep I was out shovelling for over an hour. 

Today at the crack of dawn Kerri and Hope had to shovel out the snowbank from the road cleaning vehicle for Kerri's bus so that she could do her 7:20 am run.  I would have helped although I told Kerri I took my zyprexa prn too late and only crawled out of bed at 7:40am. 

I did manage to shovel Kerri's car out which was barricaded in by a snowbank over at the neighbours.  Then I found out we have to shovel out a whole cars length and then some so that our country mailman can stay in his vehicle when he's dropping off (and picking up our mail to be sent) our mail.  Kerri helped me clear for the mailman's vehicle...

So, all in all we shovelled out the equivalent of 5 car spaces worth as we have a 3 car drive-way.  This is our winter folks, lol.

So, if you think it's baaaad that we have gotten soo much snow all at once, this second shot was taken in March of 2008. The snow is supposed to be melting by March! So, we ain't seen nothing yet (perhaps).

This last picture shows Taters asleep in his cat house. None of the other cats use this house but Taters loves and has used it since kitten hood. Sometimes he will even sleep on the roof of the house, lol...awww, cutie!

Detoxing Off Meds That Weren't For Me. Fun Times...

I am feeling pretty down today. 

I am enjoying my time cuddling with Kerri  and watching a mooovie (soon we will be hibernating watching Christmas mooovies :-D) but things have been pretty tense lately between Kerri and I.  I've come to the conclusion that a loving relationship (or is it just puppy love lust) is bipolar at the best and worst of times.  Kerri is my first love but I hear this from others in relationships too.  I am seeing patterns in myself and in Kerri so maybe I can start building up the walls of indifference before the storm strikes from now on? 

Three days ago my homeopath, Terrance, started detoxing me off Celexa and Haldol.  These drugs were horrible for me! 

Celexa is an anti-depressant.  It gave me a horrible chronic back ache all up my spine for the whole two weeks I was on it.  Further I ended up losing 15 pounds in those two weeks.  I couldn't eat more then a bite at every meal before I felt stuff to the gills!  I reported this to the staff and they didn't believe me that I wasn't eating.  Um, they were the ones taking my trays back.  Another thing about Celexa is that I ended up getting a painful infection in on my gums due to the fact that the drug made me shake so bad I couldn't brush my teeth even a little for those two weeks.  I was an in-patient in the psych ward at the time seven years ago and I did have to endure a lot.  But hey I was manic for my whole stay until my psychiatrist Dr. Dinton started me off on Lithium...manic as an in-patient for seven weeks and the the staff couldn't figure out what was wrong with me, wierdness!

Haldol  is just a really painful drug for me to be on.  They use to give it to me as a prn anti-psychotic.  It caused me to have trouble breathing.  My tongue lost the ability to compress so I had to keep spitting.  I was in soooo much pain in my jaw which felt locked.  I would try to scream and cry but this was hard because my mouth was so stiff.  The staff would have to give me a needle of Cogentin in my butt cheek to bring down the reaction.  Cogentin comes in pill form but this never helped me.

Could my detoxing off these medications that were so wrong for me be why my anxiety and depression have been so extreme?  Yep, could be.  Or not, who knows.  Homeopathy does bring stuff out though.  Or not, anywhoo, Terrance has told me NOT to come of my psych meds.  I asked him if my meds are the reason why I have such extreme reactions to the homeopathic remedies and detoxing etc.  He says I'm not ready to wean myself off anything and I know that but to here him say that made me feel good because I was feeling like western medicine and homeopathy were like clashing or something.

I also have trichotillomania which is a hair pulling disorder in the obsessive compulsive disorder family.  It's a compulsion.  I have been hair pulling more then normal for the past couple of weeks.  I do this when I am anxious (which is most of the time).  My mom says she can get me something herbal to stop it but I think if I just work on my anxiety and my issue - the underlying causes and detox then I will be OK.  I use to have an actual bald spot but I don't think it's that bad now.  I had stopped for a bit one time after this one lady at my old group home use to scream at me every time she saw me pull my hair out.  Yes it did work to be screamed at.  I hated it though, so don't anyone get ideas :-P.

I Am The Ultimate Homeopathic Guinea Pig :-P

So, I'm where I should be right now. This, according to my homeopath, Terrance. Terrance said that I need a break right now and that the reason I don't have any ambition to leave the house or to do anything useful is because I am healing. Excellent!

Once I come of out this I shall be all healed and no more mental illness, right? Ummm...wonderful but odd thought. I'm sure I won't be all fixed for a good 6 months or more, but whatever. I feel I'm well on my way!

Homeopathy works differently for everyone. Some people don't get all the stuff coming up that I have been getting steady. People can usually keep going to work everyday if that's where they were at before treatment. For me, I was sick as a dog so a lot is coming up and I'm just going with the flow and taking breaks. This is what I want right now...

I get this question alot from talking to just about everyone. "Does your homeopath know what meds you are taken?" "Is he careful about med interactions?"

Okay, I talked to Terrance about this today and he said that homeopathic remedies do not react with prescription meds. So there you have it folks, no worries!

Some people call St. John's Wort and Valerian and stuff like that Homeopathic. Those are actually herbal remedies and not homeopathic remedies. It's true that herbal remedies can react to prescription meds so ask your doc or pharmacist before starting a herbal remedy....

My home0path's clinic is at his home and I met one of his cats for the first time. She was the Zenest cat you have ever seen! I went up to pet her and she kept on sleeping. She didn't even move. Sooo totally trusting. So, I let her be and after our session she was still out there sleeping - dead-like but alive...Sweet...

So anyways, I'm nearly out of food again. Being out in the country I would need to drive to get my food and I haven't driven for 5 weeks now. I can beg Kerri to take me. She offered today but I don't even want to shop. Peeps, it's like I've been smoking marijuana all month. Mellow, stonedish and no ambition for things..bah.

Kerri thinks its bizarre I have been so calm all month. She thinks it's very weird. She is not sure about homeopathy though but I said I will be your guinea pig, lol...everyone needs a guinea pig :-P.

I Think 'The Meeting' Was A Success! Yaaaay!

Today's meeting with the pre-shrink nurse, Chelsea, went good. I was accompanied to the appointment by my case-manager, Jenn. Jenn's being there with me helped a great deal!

I still have my appointment to see Dr. Bangs, the resident psychiatrist, at my family docs office on December 2nd. Dr. Bangs is a short term psychiatrist, I think, but this is fine. The shorter the shrink time the quicker I heal, hehe....kidding! But I do hope that my homeopathic treatment will continue to heal me and I have told Chelsea I am not looking for new meds. Maybe a new night prn but that's it for now...

At today's meeting, I was able to vent my frustration at not getting medical intervention from a doctor in 3 1/2 years. I had been asking repeatedly over the years before last December starting Homeopathy.

I was able to voice my frustration in getting medications prescribed to me that had known interactions with other medications that I was taking. Doctor's not knowing about med interactions is not that uncommon either. Usually pharmacist pick up on this kind of thing too but not in my case...

I may take part in an 8 week anxiety group in the spring or summer. My case-manager Jenn said it is best to go to the group when there is no snow about due to the difficulty driving, parking and all that....Waiting is fine with me. More time to heal :-D.

I had to laugh when Chelsea asked me if I lived at home. That was her first question of me. I mean, what kind of question is that? I suppose she meant do you live with your parents. Jenn was trying not to laugh out loud also, but she was not overly successful at that. I didn't help that I pointed this out to Jenn :-0.

I was pretty wired at the meeting. I wondered if I seemed depressed at all. I explained to Chelsea that I haven't wanted to leave the house in over a month; that I'm depressed, and that all I do is watch Television all day. I was thinking though 'Why am I feeling so happy now?' and I was wondering if I was getting hypomanic again.

I guess I was just nervous. So, all in all it was a good meeting. Chelsea was sweet and totally open to me seeing a homeopath and taking remedies :-D.

Little Red Dotting Hood :-D.

So, today I have been running around the house (sometimes literally) showing off my little red dots to Kerri. Maybe I just like to see the look of horror in her face....oh yeah!!! Dots meaning the ones appearing on my skin these last few weeks. They show up in different spots on my skin then kind of migrate from point A to point B. They reappear and then disappear...

These little red dots are itchy and I guess you might call them a rash. I wouldn't know but Kerri tells me this is what what I have and jokes I am contagious. I'm not though, I promise :-P.

I only started experiencing these rashes for the first time 3 weeks ago after I started taking the new homemade remedies my homeopath Terrance has given me. I think the rash is funny exciting to watch. Kerri is appalled. I should video tape her reaction as I show off my newest little red dots to her :-P. I don't have a video camera though. Anyways, just kidding. I think it's funny because Terrance asked me from the beginning ie. last December if I had a rash and I said noooo....not until now 10 months later ie. this past month...

The 'rash' is not really that itchy. I mean I feel an itch and I do scratch initially but then when I see the familiar red dots I stop scratching and I'm fine. Kinda like a moisquito bite. I did almost make an extra appointment with Terrance after having the rash last Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. It disappeared by Monday though and now it's been a week and they are back. I see him in 6 days though so I think I can wait now....

If symptoms from the remedies leave after 3 days its OK. This is just all a part of the healing reaction as Terrance calls it. Stuff comes out in Homeopathic Medicine...It's been tough but hopefully this will all pay off someday. I have been sooo much calmer the last 3 weeks after Terrance gave me something to calm me.

Medical docs never gave me anything for anxiety. Or they did but that didn't last long because of my history of addiction. This may be a good thing because I have experienced and am still experiencing a lot of side effects from psych meds...I'm just super sensitive. I am still taking my meds of course. It is not wise to stop taking medication when you do a blood type diet or homeopathy unless you ask your doc and can safetly wean off after your symptoms have left.

I totally need my meds because they help me but sometimes it's just hard because my brain feels numb from the lithium and I feel unfocused. I have had sideeffects from most of the meds I have been taking over the years...but they helped get me though till today and for that I'm grateful!

So, bottom line, no need to call Terrance as I am not suffering...I am more amused then anything at this point still. But Terrance may have to make some adjustments to my remedies when I see him on the 29th :-).

Not Having The City Buses Is Teaching Me To Have Patience And Flexibility

This morning I had a session with my therapist Haley. She was quite concerned about how depressed I was feeling. "I have never seen you this depressed before," she tells me. Haley wanted to know when was the last time I was 'this depressed.' I wasn't sure because I have been having problems with depression for my whole life and this just seems to be me!

I think today I am more subdued from the calming remedy my homeopath is giving me then totally depressed. Who knows though. At least I am finally getting something for anxiety enough though it kinda knocks me out and dulls my brain perhaps...when I see my homeopath, Terrance, in 3 weeks he will make an adjustment but for now I'm OK with just trudging along even while exhausted and not really able to do much. Sometimes I just need a break from my regular routine, I suppose.

My mood swings are less so that helps me deal with life. Maybe in future though I can learn to be assertive and ask for what I want without demanding as I sometimes do according to Kerri. I agree I am abrupt and demanding at times as I am so use to getting what I want when I want because I've been in the city and riding buses on my own for years. Not having the city bus here I am having to learn patience and flexibility with Kerri and Hope's schedule...


Today is Thanksgiving Monday here in Canada. I went out for lunch to one of Kerri's friends houses. There were a few other famillies there as well. I was pretty subdued even though there were 5 year olds running around screaming. I wasn't bothered in the least. I didn't engage them in anyway. They played with there friends and parents. But I am getting more comfy aroud kids. I use to be fearful to be around children because I thought I might harm them. I had these thoughts in my head telling me to do so. This is all part of my OCD and I hope it's gone now! I never acted on those thoughts I more feared them and felt the tremendous guilt....

I did wonder how Craig, the husband of the lady hosting the event could sleep upstairs while the kids were running both up and downstairs screaming. Craig works the night shift so is use to sleeping in the day. He later emerged looking sleeping so I guess he did sleep.

I don't think I could ever work another night shift! I remember 12 years ago I was in training as part of a Health Care Aide Course. While in training we had to work 3 nights back to back. This was required. During those 3 shifts I slept a total of 6 hours combined so like 2 hours per day for 3 days! I don't know how I had the strength back then to do all that because I was still having depressions (although in those days I was taking antidepressants before then started making me manic all the time).

Now I don't think I could work nights with sleepy meds at night. I did ask the psychiatrist I had way back and he said to just take half my meds during the shift and the other half of my night meds the next morning but when you shift from nights to days the way I would night not being able to sleep at night would that be a good idea? I suppose as long as you take em. Always ask your doc before fiddling though peeps all meds are different!

Tired Of Feeling Sick And Tired....

Today I am angry!

Well, anger is nothing new, lol. But seriously, I have been mentally sick - anxious, depressed, fatigued, irritable, for going on 2 weeks now and it's getting old. I feel I've lost my Independence totally!

Today I had wanted to drive to go shopping and get some warm winter clothes from my old place, my parents basement apartment but that didn't happen...

I have been leaning heavily on Kerri for help. This is a source of huge embarrassment and the lack of control I feel is huge. There is nothing I know of that will help me until the sickness vamooses...

About the fatigue. I have been feeling fatigue on and off for 3 1/2 years and longer. I get iron tests done for anemia and I am fine. Its anxiety I guess. I eat beef, chicken, and salmon, so plenty of iron one would think...

For mood, I have my blood tested for B12, lithium and tegretol levels. My thyroid is tested. Everything is fine...nothing wrong! EVER! Seems like...

I am currently wearing Kerri's sweaters. It's cold here in Ottawa now! I have been wanting to get all my warm stuff for the past week. Unfortunately I am unable to make the 1/2 hour drive (on a good day) to my folks place because I am not an experienced driver and that would be an accident waiting to happen!

So, I am basically stuck home unless Kerri drives me somewhere but we are both tired lately so it's hard to get all that we both need. What to do?

Being so far away from everything including city buses (out here in the country) it's frustrating. I only hope that one day I will get my strength and Independence back for driving the way I had it in the city hoping on city buses!

Major Awwww - Speckle And Tate :-)

I had Kerri giggling yesterday. Late that morning we had had our relationship counselling session and by evening I was musing that I knew that Haley our therapist had given me a new affirmation to say but I forgot what it was or even where I put the paper I had written it down on! Eventually, I found the paper and re-read the affirmation which said, "I have a good memory!" Oooops! I had better get on saying that one, lol...

I really don't have a good memory. I even have a friend of mine who just started lithium and says now her short-term memory is shot too! Now, I know I had memory problems before I started lithium years back but it did seem to get worse after the drug...Mainly it's my short memory that is not so good. I have to write everything down. This is hard on my self-esteem so the new affirmation might help me. You don't have to believe an affirmation to say it....I know for myself what I say to myself can come true anyway....

Anywhooo, yesterday I took some very adorable Tate and Speckle pics...

In this first pic on the right they are sleeping together head to head, body to body, awwww!

And in the left pic they are sleeping in like a hug embrace. Speckles front paws and Tate's feet. Sooo sweet!

I can't believe how much love Speckle has for Tate. When we got her from the pet store as a rescue cat they told us never to bring another cat into the same house as Speckle. I soon realized from letter her outdoors that she was extremely territorial. Now, I'm not seeing a problem inside or out with the neighbourhood cats. Speckle doesn't pick fights anymore! She use to so whether it's the homeopathic remedy I have been giving her since June, I don't know....seems like it though!

Tegretol - To Take It Or Leave It....Hmmmm

So I am trying, again, to wean myself sloooowly off of Tegretol. This med has done nothing to help me in the last 4 1/2 years....why am I still on it? My family doc and residents didn't want to fiddle with my meds to put me on something else.

Tegretol is prescribed for me as a mood stabilizer. It is also used for epilepsy patients who are having seizures. Unfortunately it also has a side-effect of Osteoporosis which is a brittle bone disease causing bones to break more easily. The psychiatrist who was giving me this drug never mentioned this side-effect (but side-effects can be looked up on-line or given out from your pharmacist).

Tegretol is fine and seems safe for people who are not petite or don't have a family history of Osteoporsis. But for someone like myself who was already underweight and petite I got the diagnosis of Osteo-penia (pre-osteoporosis) when I was 31, 4 years back because I had requested a bone density test (I had to beg since I was so young). Bone density tests are usually only done around 5o years of age!

I am happy to say that after 2 years of taking 1000mg of calcium in supplement form, and 400mg of vitamin D with it, I was cleared of any sign of Osteopenia even while continuing to take Tegretol and be underweight still...I have never in my life broken a bone either :-).

I have cleared it with my current resident doc that I will try to wean myself off Tegretol when I started to feel less anxious. That time has come seems like. I have been feeling pretty good for almost 2 weeks now (not long in the scheme of things or ordinarilly a good indicator one should think about stopping a med that is helping).

The psychiatrist I had 4 years back, Dr. Dinton, did wean me off almost completely over a 3 month period agreeing that it was not helping me and I had been doing OKish at that time. But then I had some major stresses including the ending of Dr. Dinton's treatment of me and I asked my family doc's residents to put me back on Tegretol. It has done nothing for me....

So, I know how to wean myself off Tegretol. My pills can be cut and I have a pill cutter. I stay at each new level of pill for one month making the weaning off period 4 months - IF I can hack this. I have been sleeping poorly the last couple of days after starting this but Tegretol does not affect my sleep so I think that this is life stress or fear. I am secure in knowing that if I get really worried about the weaning off I have my regular dose to take if I think at all it will help...I really get nervous not taking meds because getting mentally sick again is not fun. If I ever ended up back in the hospital they would not let me take my vitamins; Homeopathy or cater to my blood type diet.

Weaning off a med is something you should aways do only if you know how and are under a doctor's care for this purpose....there is always the risk that after you have been off a medication for any level of time that your body will metabolise it different if you decide to go back on it and so it may not even work for you anymore in the same way...

For people who just stop meds cold turkey when the meds are not prns (meds you take as needed and not daily), this can bring on withdrawals for even those who never needed the med(s) in the first place....

Many people don't like medications for the side-effects but meds work a lot faster then what I have been doing, Homeopathy, some with in half an hour of taking it....so the positives out weight the side-effects. I have been doing Homeopathy since December and spending moola to try to get better because my docs just told me my anxiety/ depression was in my head. They wouldn't send me to a shrink or touch my meds either...

Homeopathy and my blood type diet is a last resort so I don't want any one thinking its any better as there is major pain involved in Homeopathy and even the blood type diet....for these methods stuff comes out and it's really hard. Homeopaths are not regulated like doctors so unless you know there to go or someone who have a good one how do you know if you are just wasting your money or not...

I'm trying to say if you need help get some help and take meds if you need to. Meds do help and Tegretol does help some people a great deal. You may need watch that you are getting enough calcium in your diet and vitamin D. Exercise is important and taking extra calcium/ vitamin D in pill form has helped me too!