Today I have more energy but am still far from wanting to get out of my pj's and leave the house.
I am really nervous to drive, I know that. I've been super nervous for the past 10 years or so but now that I live in the country I've been attempting to challenge this fear. My excuse for not driving is that I could kill someone.
A couple of days before I 'crashed' mentally and got into this 3 week depression, I was driving along Carling Avenue at 60 or 70 km an hour. Just as I was finishing up going through an intersection this bicyclist crashed into my car. What are the chances that a cyclist doesn't see me in a car? Come on higher power ya think ya gonna stop teasing me and let me at least try to get my confidence for driving back in style???????
Anywhoo, I screeeeeched on the brakes and the sound could be heard a mile away or more I'm sure. I don't know if I touched him but I thought I had cut his legs off at first. I was horrified! My step-dad, Jim, and I were stunned. I said to Jim, "What do we do now?" Jim said he didn't know. The bicyclist was stunned, I guess. Jim and I both looked at the light fearing that I had gone through a red light but the light was just turning orange. I had done nothing wrong I had just been driving through a green light and following the flow of traffic.
Jim and I watched in awe as this near accident victim just bicycled away just like nothing had happened.
Well, I could have not only killed the bicyclist but caused a huge pile up if the cars behind me had the other cars not stopped in time....too close to comfort! So I know I need to drive when I am well and perhaps get my confidence back.
It was weird though because after the 'accident' with the cyclist I was fine the rest of that day and two days after I was offering to go pick people up for the ALSO Fundraiser. I had so much confidence. I was also not sleeping good for 2 weeks around that time which is never a good sign if you are bipolar like me!
Now I still want to stay home and in my pj's day after day. I do need food but haven't make any motion to go get it. The last time I went food shopping was with my case-manager Jenn and we ended up getting separated and I thought she had left with half my groceries and asked her where she went. Jenn ended up telling me that shopping wasn't even in her job description.
So, shopping causes fights, and driving causes accidents, hmmm.
What to do? I think I am anxious. There is too much stress. I feel like I'm just tuning everything out in favour of numbness to protect myself because I am sick of feeling bad and getting hurt. I don't want to fight anymore and I just want to have peace in my life.
Avoiding things is not the way I'd like to do things though, however I do need to heal; take care of me and not hold on to sooo much!
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