The Painful Struggle Of Addiction And Where I'm At...

Amy Winehouse died 2 days ago and I have been reading everything I can to find out why. There is not much. It is assumed to be drugs since the autopsy has not found anything. Now we will have to wait 4-6 weeks for the the toxicology reports.  I don’t know much about Amy but what I have been learning is that was a troubled addict and I can identify with her struggle as I am an addict who has been sober 6 years.  I was never into her music. I can’t relate to the celebrity part which I know is a huge part but here are some of my thoughts on addiction:

Addiction changes your brain. You are numb inside or at least these are my thoughts here from my druggy days…I didn’t get why people were so worried about me. People stopped their lives and came to help me wondering if I was going to die or when. I tried not to talk about all this after I came too, or survived that high or attempt on my life. The boundaries were not even clear. I was so impulsive. I didn’t want to think. I had thrown the coping skills I did have out the window and just focused on the now. I didn’t think of the future. I was just existing…I needed to survive. I needed to block out my depression, anxiety, flashbacks of abuse, sadness of my dads death, and memories of my operations from my hydrocephalus. It was a painful realization that the goals I had set up to do ie complete University; have a great job; house, 2 kids; husband (I was so lost I didn’t yet realize I was a lesbian nor did I want to deal with that yet) were not going to happen due to my existing mental problems coupled with a learning disability….so much in my head.  

The other day I was on twitter and a site came up of a singer, Tori Amos. I love  music but it had been awhile since I played her songs. This song 'Winter' made me think of Amy Winehouse for probably no reason idk...anyways I got hooked on this song and I didn't even know what it was talking about (I listed to the tune not so much the words - gets me in trouble sometimes, lol).

   

Looking on the web it seems to be about Tori remembering a happy event from her childhood, playing and her father’s unconditional love.  I have been imagining myself as a 4 year old and pretending to interact with ‘little me.’ This is something my team of professionals have been coaching me on. I look at 'little me' through my eyes and remember that I do not wish pain on myself as this child. I even notice I try never to swear because I’m a mom now to myself, lol…

In my interactions with my cats Speckle and now Bob I treat them as if they are perfect and I want only happiness and to love them.

Anyway, about the addiction piece I am so happy that I am here on this earth still even though its so not easy for me yet. Now I can perhaps shed light onto this deadly problem and the deep denial within the addict/alcoholics that keeps them lying and keeps them using.

There is really nothing you can do for a person who does not stay clean or get help. Sometimes you have to way the pros and cons ie. Do you really need this person in your life or are you going to start letting go of them and taking care of YOU!

-15 C And No Heat! Is That Even Allowed In This Day And Age?????

Today one of my Facebook friends shared this awesome song/ video called Straight Through My Heart by Backstreet Boys. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5Dc14h_3W0

It's a love song (I think, lol).  Even if you don't love someone it's a happy and upbeat song!  Weird video, but music can truly alter my mood if even for a few moments...


I love Kerri SOOOOOOO much.  Even when we fight I love her.  Sometimes I just get frustrated with the living arrangements and want to move out because of my fear of driving.  I do feel frustrated about not having independence and being able to grab a bus for transportation but I never want to break-up with Kerri, ever! 


Today I almost panicked but didn't :-D.  Our power went out for 25 minutes.  Its -15 C outside, snowy and we had no heat during the outage!

I was starving because as usual I get caught up in projects (talking to people on Facebook mostly) and don't eat until I'm about ready to faint.  I wanted a hot lunch too but luckily I was just finished heating up my salmon when the power went out.  So I was eating my lunch thinking we ran out of firewood last week.  What are we going to do? 

Kerri was calm, as usual.  She went over to the neighbours to see if they had power.  They didn't.  Kerri had forgotten that the doorbell doesn't work during a power outage.  Lucky she also knocked. 

We are such opposites, it's cute:-).  It worked well though because since Kerri was calm then I was also pretty calm.  We didn't even need to grab a blanket or anything because the house stayed warm fpr the full 25 minutes without heat/ power.  I had envisioned myself hiding out in my car with the heat on, hehe. 

We didn't know what to do with ourselves for a bit there because there was no computer or TV access, hehe....

So, tomorrow's the day that little Spock goes to the vet for possibly the first time in his life and he is an adult cat.  We already have him in the cat room so he doesn't go out and not come back.  Cats have a way of knowing when it's vet time! 

Spock has had it pretty good this winter.  He was allowed in the house and into the cat room but we let him go back outside as he pleased.  Speckle and Tate have accepted him as a part of the family which is sweet but Bob the cat is a bit miffed.  But then Bob is 16 and not good with change.

Anywhoo, I hope the vet bill won't be more then we have expected.  Kerri is paying and taking him on as her cat but also knowing he is used to being an outdoor cat so he probably will be out more then in.  I have found he has hung around the outside of the house a lot in the past few months, so, who, knows he will probably want the best of both worlds, eh Spockaroo????

Music And Sound Hold The Ability To Relax Or Stress A Person....

I don't like anxiety.

It's really hard living with my girlfriend Kerri when one of us is upset. We feed off each others emotions. Then we both go to a place of emotionally hiding from our feelings and nothing much gets accomplished.

So, was it really wise to get involved with someone who is as super sensitive as myself? Yeah, I would say so. It's actually awesome that I can relate to my partner. Some days are like roller coasters and some days are a-OK. We are in relationship counselling and it is really difficult at times but it helps us to speak out in a safe place.

For both Kerri and I, our biggest relationship problem is trust and communication. This is pretty common is it not? Often times we don't tell each other how we really feel talk it out. Kerri will get the idea that there is something wrong with me but has to run to this blog to get a better understanding of things, lol...Or I find out from her Facebook status.

For myself the past couple of days have been filled with high anxiety and panic at times. What helps me is to sometimes turn off the TV and listen to tunes that help me feel some sort of emotion. I have been listening to Jordan Spark's song No Air http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DvABw3j844k today and on and off since I found it about a year ago...Yeah, it's really a love song but all I hear when I'm listening to this song are the words no air over and over again....its like someone who gets what I am going though, lol. Well, ya know.

Another song I really love and have loved for years continues to be Caribbean Blue by Enya http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W7kkEfPjTBY. At the risk of sounding a bit odd, this song actually sent me into a light trance about a year ago. I was just so relaxed listening to it. It was lovely. I remember laying on my bed back when I lived with my folks and just getting so blissed out by this song. And, yeah it did freak me out how detached I got but it was in a good way...

So, yes music and sound has the magic to relax or stress a person. We have to find out what we can do in times of stress and anxiety to heal even just a little bit or from moment to moment :-).

Disappointments Bite But 'The Wooden Sky' Rocks So You Know Life Will Turn Out A-OK, lol

I feel like I am healing.

I mean, I don't hold on to disappointments as much as I use to. I don't latch on to support people as I use to. This feels better, but then I am still feeling waaay to mellow from this calming remedy.

I do feel upset and sad though because of the way things seem to be turning out...For instance I was really hoping for more support with food shopping and now I find that for the time being I won't be getting any support from Jenn, my case-manager. Then today my outreach worker Tori e-mailed me and says regarding this issue:

I’m sorry to hear you’re still struggling with Jenn's support but continue to express your support needs with her and try to come to a compromise...

Um, a lot gets lost when you only have e-mail support. I didn't feel like explaining that Jenn is refusing to shop with me. I didn't bother replying to Tori that I am supposedly getting an Occupational Therapist (to show me how to shop alone when I'm depending on that person to drive me home - um this is what I need help with anyway). I'm just like, OK thanks!

I had been feeling so happy and secure two weeks ago after talking to the coordinator, Kate, at my old group home. Unfortunately I am now disappointed that in the end no one will talk to Jenn for me. I use to always work with my whole team whenever there was a problem. Now it's just one on one. I find it useless to talk to Jenn because she disagrees with me and offers no rational explanation for why she does the things she does..

But like I said I am handling all the stress with my supports pretty well. Kerri will and I will go shopping together for the time being so it's all good. I don't hold onto grudges of what could have been. I'm gonna be a-OK!

Anywhoo, I was checking out this link that The Wooden Sky posted on their fan page on Facebook:

http://vimeo.com/channels/thewoodensky.

It is featuring the band's three documentary videos. Each video is about 5 to 10 minutes long and features a song after a small story. For more music and info on The Wooden Sky look them up on their MySpace page...

I love this band. I am also so proud to be able to say that my 2nd cousin Andrew, is the handsome and talented drummer. Andrew is the guy in the picture at this link to the far left. He is my first cousin Jean's son.

The Wooden Sky is from Scarborough, Ontario, Canada, but they travel around all of Canada and elsewhere while on Tour. It sounds like hard life to be travelling a lot of the time, but they seem to like it. For me I could never be so spontaneous, but then I do rely on my professional supports and a similar routine day by day to help me feel most a peace...

Gotta Love Those Autumn Leaves :-D

Today I got my energy all back (and then some :-D).

I bounced out of bed at 6:30am. Finally I was in the mood for a shower and change of clothes after hanging out in pjs for the past few days. I had been groggy in the mornings (or try the whole day most days) for the past 2 weeks! My home0pathic remedy for calm really knocked me out and being depressed didn't help. I never wanted to get out of bed for my usual 7:30 wake-up these past couple of weeks.

This morning I was thinking that after 3 weeks of misery I was hoping that my up in mood would be a positive. But instead of going back to some normal functional mode I was jittery and running around distracting myself with tunes all morning. Jumpy, speedy so still unable to drive, argh!!!!

So anywhoo, I did put my new found energy to work by raking up the leaves for an hour and a half (all 6 1/2 bags of them) this afternoon. There will be plenty more leaves to rake though. We don't even touch the backyard so this is all just a small fraction of the leaves on our country property!

I actually love being outside on nice days (contrary to what I sometimes say, lol). Today was a beautiful sunny 11 C fall day :-).

Speckle was showing off as per usual outside whizzing around me and zooming here and there. She is so funny :-D.

So, now I feel better about myself having actually achieved something today! Yaaaaay!

Oh, and I sang Cry Little Sister (Lost Boys Theme)http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7fFo-WZsm5Q into a digitalized tape recorder. I don't know how to get the audio on-line though, so you are all spared, bahaha!

But on a serious note, I am bipolar y'all and being up is about as unhealthy and being down. Is there no middle ground anymore? Meh! Now off to the next project :-P.

The On-Going Amusements In 3 A Cat Household...

I'm still happy! It's been a week! I'm happy I'm getting out more and meeting friends. I'm happy I can get only 6 hours of sleep at night and feel refreshed. I love it that I can make Kerri laugh. That makes me happy too.

Tate and Speckle have been amusing me. Last night evening Speckle was hyper (she gets hyper A LOT). Hope, Kerri's daughter, Kerri and I were watching TV in the living room when we see Speckle running down the hall. She misses all 5 of the stairs leading downstairs of our split level house she lands on the floor then promptly disappears behind a cabinet for a few minutes. The flying Speckle! This morning Kerri was leaving for work and Speckle was running up and down trees (showing off no doubt). Tate hasn't taken up this sport thank heavens, lol. Here are 2 pics of Tate. He is just too funny!

The first pic here on the right is Tate on top of Bob who is sleeping (or trying too). Tate climbed right on top of him and is licking and licking his head. Eventually Bob got annoyed and left. Tate stayed in the chair. Poor Bob! I think Tate just wanted to play. He is waaaay to friendly sometimes!


Here is Taters (Tate) again. Kerri was sitting on the couch and I beside her using her laptop to show her a Susan Boyle Video that other Kerry commented on on Facebook. It was a remake of Wild Horses. I was thinking 'Wild Cats!' as Tate goes flying over me and lands behind Kerri. He just stays there so eventually Kerri wants to sit back and has to move the little guy, lol...

Here is the video that I was showing Kerri.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjAkq5iMHZw

Susan Boyle is inspirational in that she is not the stereotypical young pretty girl but yet who cares! She is a great singer! It doesn't matter what a person looks like on the outside. It's the inside that counts!