Yesterday my therapist Haley said that I was getting abusive and refused to work with me.
I had used a swear word when I told her to stop yelling at me in relationship counselling. My voice wasn't that loud so I guess swearing is not one of her favourite things. No one on my support team has really yelled at me like Haley did so I was scared and embarrassed. I was hoping she would keep me on for individual because we were talking about the issues I had in relationship counselling and also the issues I had with her yelling at me when I would interrupt Kerri.
As for swearing, I rarely swear but if someone is raising their voice in anger my anxiety goes through the roof and I don't actually plan what I am going to say sometimes. But, oops!
So now I don't have a therapist. Fortunately my case-manager Jenn and I had a good chat yesterday so I do have some support and will have more in future.
Haley didn't want me to bring up a topic we had already talked about in the past but yet Kerri was still upset about it so I was explaining my side. I did interrupt Kerri some because I remember things differently and often times I feel I am being put down and made to look like the bad guy when I was only intending to help out. I would be sooo bad in a courtroom or on Dr. Phil. I notice those people hold their tongues and all sorts of awful things are said about them! I would not be able to listen to all that awful stuff said about me if it was not true!
I have been craving my old therapist Ann in the last week anyway because she use to coach me on self care a lot. Now that I don't really have anyone telling me what to do I have fallen out of the self-care groove. Haley did some work around self-care but it hasn't been so often anymore and especially since I have been doing the individual sessions over the phone. We would just chat and there wasn't much, if any, digging around why I have been so depressed for over 2 months now or where is all this anxiety coming from?
I did tell Haley that I didn't like the way she raised her voice with me in relationship counselling before. Maybe I should have made it clear that this actually frightened me. Even TV and loud music irritates/ frightens me sometimes. But it was sooo much easier holding my tongue and taking a step back when I was on the calming remedy. I doped me up!
I was shocked that a swear word was the cause of such a stir. Is that a poor reflection of me? Perhaps, but I have sworn at other times with supports because I have not been able to get out anger/ anxiety through proper channels. Or, I feel that I am not getting my needs met. I ended up crying yesterday for most of the day both before and after the session. This, even before I knew this was my last time seeing Haley.
Haley only e-mailed me yesterday at 9:30pm to say farewell. But this time Kerri who gets up early to work, was gone to sleep.
Kerri says we will be OK to work out our issues and she has been also encouraging me to go back to weekly therapy sessions instead of the bi-weekly sessions I have been taking for the past couple of months.
Fortunately with Kerri and our relationship, our communication has been much better lately. Even after a fight we will talk things out. This is what relationships are all about. We our finding that we are bringing our parents into our relationships too i.e. mannerisms and the ways we see each other. I am still bringing my old neighbourhood and house into it too, so, you know, lol...
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