When Numbness Isn't A Choice

I was chatting with my mental health worker Jenn yesterday about how I feel numb all the time and that this had been going on as long as I can remember. Jenn said it is normal because I have had trauma starting at birth. So this numbness is not really a choice. It's like being on a really scary roller-coaster where your hands are so tight on the bar you can't unclench them without it hurting. The last thing you want is to hurt. I can function. This numbness helps me feel safe. But it’s also frustrating because sometimes I want to ‘wake-up’ and I feel I need to hide out of fear of panic attacks and anxiety I guess.

‘Hiding’ for me has been quite common these last couple of years. As I think back to what I did to get so agoraphobic for instance, I think of how a few years back I was doing yoga daily and practicing stills to self soothe on a regular basis. It was pretty ritualized and obsessive-like unfortunately. My goal was to cure myself of mental illness, to be ‘normal’ and go far in life. This plan hasn’t panned out, yet.

I ended up stopping all the ritualized self-care rather abruptly because I started having panic attacks during my at home yoga DVD sessions. I was even having attacks during bubble baths. As I think back I wonder if maybe I ‘should’ have pushed through and embraced this shift as stuff coming out the way it was supposed to. Maybe this would have been a way of empowering me and helping my self-confidence eventually. Or maybe I needed to stop and go inside myself a bit.

I have been having vivid dreams in the last few weeks. These dreams are of having grand mal seizures over and over again or having committed a violent act and having the cops after me. I have woken up after dreams of hearing screaming then fearing I am going to end up in the loony bin! It’s been eight years since I’ve been in-patient and I really want to keep it that way!  When I told Jenn about the dreams she told me it was the Bowen therapy, the body work I have been doing. That’s what I had been thinking.

I have missed the last two weeks of Bowen because two weeks ago my Bowen Practitioner Casey had the flu and then I had a really bad cold this week…But we will get back on track. I am also wondering if my 3 colds since February are Bowen’s doing since I had successfully outwitted (very proud too grinning from ear to ear) my mom’s flu and cold and my step-dad’s two colds between November and January. Yet when starting Bowen I have been sick most of the time since. Maybe I jinxed myself through my overconfidence, LOL…we all need to be humbled sometimes, no?

It was at this time and with my Homeopath Terrance that things were shifting inside of my mind. I had lost the rage I had carried with me all of my life. Unfortunately now I didn’t feel like doing anything except watching television and staying around the house.  Terrance seemed to think this was just a normal state of the process that would pass but here I am 2 ½ years later and I’m still sitting at home, nesting. The cats love it though…

I’ll start again, slowly, to try to figure out what I can do that is doable. I have started a second twitter paper on paper li. Called “Learning Self-Love Daily.” Here is the link: http://paper.li/remedyke/1330539184.  There are tons of articles on the subject. I choose the search settings but don’t write the articles. I love this topic because so many people who are excellent at taking care of others are not as good at taking care of their own mind/body (myself included, of course)….but it’s a process. I fell off the wagon but I can get back on again. It won’t be quick. I still hold a lot of fear in my body/mind but I will figure out a workable goal in time…

If All Else Fails, There Is Television, Right?

My cat Speckle is a real ‘nut!’

Last night I was ‘making’ cat food in the basement apartment I live in at my folks place. Upstairs Bob and Speckle must have been playing but then I hear a crash! I didn’t hear anything after so I continued what I was doing. My folks were in bed already but apparently they didn’t hear a thing because the cats were in a back room. When I went upstairs, finally, I saw an overturned ceramic plate that had been pushed off the table by Speckle (Bob is old and doesn’t climb up on tables anymore as far as I know). Nothing broke miraculously. It was a plate of fruit cake which was still covered over by a plastic bag...I don’t know about Speckle sometimes. She’s a true nut! She’s a 6 ½ year old Tortie and still very kitten like…is this a Tortie thing or something?

As for me, I can say I’ve been depressed more then I’ve been happy in the last nine months since moving out of Kerri’s place. Kerri and I are still best friends. We do talk on the phone a lot but she is in BC and I am here in Ottawa. Its not the same as seeing her all the time and we do have a really close connection because we were girlfriends for 9 months a few years back before becoming best friends...

I have tened to watch a lot of TV in the last 2 1/2 years since I’ve succumbed to agoraphobia. TV seems my answer to everything. It is a pretty good security blanket which I can control and almost create my world and moods.

 On the worst of days when my anxiety gets to the max I wonder why I have to live like ‘this.’ As a spiritual person I wonder what is after this life. That is when you find out 'why' and everything is supposed to make sense. I try my best to be kind because I want kindness shown to me in return and maybe that’s what the ‘boss’ on the other side wants of me…the only thing I forget, quite often is to let stuff go once in awhile. Isn’t that why I’m so tense? I’m holding onto everything that ever happened to me? When people say ‘let it go,’ I don’t get it. It’s like telling an anorexic (and I still have that tendency) to eat. It’s Greek! I don't speak that language. I don't get it!

Even before I could write I remember verbally dictating to my father my dreams. Dad would write them down for me. I still continue to do this. And I still have all my dream books too, lol. Now I discuss my dreams with my therapist Cindy and use the dream dictionary on-line

http://dreemmoods.com/ as a reference. I pay attention to the feelings that come up and when subjects repeat.

I have recently started Bowen Therapy (The Bowen Technique). This is a body work healing therapy. Most of the literature/on-line videos of Bowen are for physical ailments for people or animals but Bowen Practitioners have clients like me for mental healing as well. Its all about pressure points on the body. I have had only 2 sessions. I will have ‘at least’ 8 and can have as needed sessions after that. I want to try to work heal from my anxiety and depression if that’s at all possible…Actually, it must be, right? I just have to keep at it and if all else fails, there is Television….