A Ton-O-Bricks...

I get that 'heavy' feeling when I am crashing. It's like a ton-o-bricks have landslid over me and I can't move. I just lie there totally fearful and DEEP in thought. I felt like that in the night. I have trouble sleeping. It's noisy here. There is no 'quiet hour here' at night although they would be quiet if I ask but I don't and they do try. No matter what time I go to be at I still wake up around 6am or later only if I am lucky. So I go to bed and hope I can sleep with my 'fitted ear plugs' - the kind that construction workers sometimes where. The next morning I wake up exhausted and push myself to get through another day. It's hard when I am upset. I know if I was not here Kerri wouldn't have to move. I know it's all my fault. I am sad and yet Kerri wants me to live with her and I want to live with Kerri and Hope. We can't lie about it because I need disability to up the monthly amount they give me...I was thinking of calling the Disability work program center but I feel that I am waaaay to stressed out to take on something like paid work and yet another new environment etc...

Also I am fearful of going to the doctor. I need to see a physiotherapist about my knee issues. I sprained it 2 months ago and I have the name of a physiotherapist but I would have to pay. I was told by my trainer and the physiotherapist that works for her that if you go to one that's covered there is a long wait...My step-dad Jim says there is no wait...I just don't want to see a doctor. I have way too many memories of doctors and they aren't good. Plus if they want me to get an x-ray when I likely don't need one there is another thing for my homeopath to detox me off of...detoxing using sends me into fits of rage...It is very hard on my body and yet some people going get so much stuff coming out....

Never mind all the crap in my life - I have some pics to show...I love saving the precious moments I come across...

Here is miss Speckle, my baby. She is not looking to come inside but only to look in at Kerri and I...typical cat behaviour but cut nonetheless, lol...

Kerri, Hope and I went for a short drive to check out some town houses last evening. On the way I noticed this beautiful sunset (2 minute walk from our current place) and I dug deep into my knapsack to find out I had my camera with me (Kerri is always teasing me that I have my knapsack with some much in it that it weighs a ton - but it does come in handy sometimes!). Meanwhile Kerri pulled over the car. What a sweetie. She took this pic for me too as the sunset was on her side....She will do anything for me. I love her so much!

And finally, check out the neighbours!!!! Yes, there is a dairy farm a 2
minute walk from our home. I think Speckle has made friends with the barn cats although I sure hope she doesn't go to the barn as there is an 80 km speed limit road to cross to get to the barn!!!!

Jenn, my case-manager is coming over today. She's been away a lot on holidays this summer and and off for medical reasons so I'm not sure she can really help me much at the moment...I really want to stay living with Kerri. That's all I know. I just feel like I'm going to be crying some more today but I feel that I'm stronger then I would have been in the past going though all this stress. I am out of bed blogging and I ate brekkie after all....