The after math of the fundraiser yesterday was horrible for both Kerri and I.
I come home at 4pm and find Kerri exhausted and lying on the couch with her laptop. She tells me that the dog, Bobby, hasn't had a walk all day. I am resentful that I had to come home after having to stay an hour and a half longer then her helping with the fundraiser. I was hoping to rest but then I realized I had to walk the dog that I don't even want in our home and then to make dinner for Kerri and I. She did do the dishes though :-).
Bobby the dog had taken himself for a bit of a walk/ run though. Luckily our road is quiet. Well Kerri tried to call him back but the problem with Bobby is that he has a mind of his own. He will come when you call him but only after you keep calling repeatedly. You eventually have to retrieve him from wherever. I had suggested to Kerri we take him the dog park. There is one not to far a drive away and he can run around off leash. But I guess I now know that this wouldn't work as he is not our dog. Who knows what he might do or where he might end up. Sad. I have taken him out for runs to the end of the block and back. He loves it as long as something doesn't catch his eye and then he will come to a dead halt.
Kerri has told me she wants to have Bobby the dog stay with us for a month in November when his owners go away again (they go away quite a bit) I have said I don't want him back. Speckle and Tate the cats are basically living in fear in my bedroom or under the bed still and it's been over a week with the dog. I resent what it is doing to my cat who only wants to run outside and play. I did let her out early this morning but then Kerri let the dog out and scared Speckle and Tate away. It was raining but I was out in the rain for 10 minutes trying to get the cats back in...I had to use some catnip spray for Speckle but I am glad she got a bit of a run in around the yard. She came back sopping wet and no, cats don't like being towel dried. Or mind doesn't, lol).
Kerri is the one sadly making decisions in this house. I honestly thought that when you share a lease then you get a say. I have bent over backwards to help Kerri out. I had no idea she was in need when I was dating her. She kept her problems from me completely. My case-manager tells me we have to tolerate others differences...I try but I can't say I'm always pleasant about it.
Kerri also wants to become a foster parent to a child and we know this girl. She is a troubled teen. I have said no to this too but apparently it's not my say in the matter. Neither is any topic related to the care of her daughter because it upsets Kerri. This silence frustrating! Why don't I get a say?
My wish is that one day I will get stronger and be able to maybe have a voice in my household! I wonder why neither Kerri nor I thought to bring these type of disagreements at relationship counselling, argh!!!!
Anyways today I want to cook but but I got such a poor sleep last night. Kerri refused to turn the TV down last night saying she wanted one night where she could listen to the television at a good volume. I feel resentful because when Kerri is sleeping I turn my TV down to a barely audible tone when she goes to bed which is sometimes as early as 9pm. I will definitely still be quiet when Kerri is sleeping I know the importance of sleep and I do truly care about her! It was just maddening because I was all tired and ready to sleep. I turned off my TV because I need silence to sleep and there was never ending noise! I could hear every word on Kerri's TV downstairs at 11pm without ear plugs. We share a split-level house.
When I put my fitted earplugs in (the kind that the construction workers wear) and I could hear noises muffled though as I was floating under water...It was maddening! My ears automatically strain to hear what is going on! When I asked that the volume be turned down. Kerri said she wanted to unwind and listen to her TV at a good volume (to unwind I suppose).
I refuse to close my door at night. I never like my door being shut ever. It's a comfort thing I guess. like the fact that the cats can run in and out of my room and cuddle with me or leave if they want....
You would have thought we could have worked this noise issue out before I signed the lease! However I think Kerri and I have been both stressed since the fundraiser. Stress feeds off stress and this will be a busy week for me, ugh!
Because I couldn't sleep until it was quiet I feel asleep at 12:30pm and woke up at 5:30am which is not enough sleep for me!
My main issue is the complete lack of control I have in this house. I have never felt that I had a home. Now I have a home. I pay into the home. I lend money to Kerri and help out hope when she needs it i.e. for bus tickets...But I still don't always get what I want....Maybe just me. Maybe I'm losing it....All I know is now I can't drive because my nerves are fried and I am afraid I couldn't' handle the car or the road or have the ease to navigate a grocery store which causes stress! I wanted to get some cooking done and now today feels like a complete waste and my week will be sooo much busier having to cook more meals now when meal cooking in itself is a stressor! Kerri doesn't want to drive me to get food so once again here I am stuck in the country feeling powerless disappointed but not at all surprised that the calm I have felt for over 2 weeks now is completely gone....I am now wondering how am I going to work and get some control back into my life?
I have a meeting with a serve provider tomorrow about getting a paying job tomorrow. Kerri says she would drive me. She assured me she would always keep her word so I'm hoping it's a go! This will be such a scary interview because now I don't feel ready....
:-(
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