What Shall Surprise Me Next???

Holy doziness today! What's up with this? I have been tired and dozy for the past couple of days now...

I have been told that my meds may be affecting my homeopathic remedies. Not a huge bad way but it is just that medications are hard on your body and the calming homeopathic remedy I got 5 weeks ago is strong.

My body is detoxing since it's trying to heal me, so there may be a conflict of interest there. But, of course, I still have to keep on taking my psych meds! I do feel depressed at times quite deeply and I know this feeling won't last forever.

I use to think that nothing could surprise me anymore on television. Today though, I am still baffled hours later after watching a documentary on The Learning Channel (TLC). The story told of a man who only ate raw cheddar cheese :-o!!!

I can't eat cheese on this O Blood Type Diet that I am on, but I did love to eat cheese in the past. I can understand how addictive eating cheese can be but to only eat cheese???? The man in the documentary went to his doctor and found he had a B12 deficiency and also wasn't getting enough folic acid. What about vitamin C? I thought? Did I miss something?

I am pretty scatterbrained while watching TV and tend to miss a lot but I was also shocked at how a man who only ate cheese could look so healthy, strong vibrant and clear-headed.

The man's ex wife tried to eat a whole meal of cheese and was literally sick.

The man who only ate cheese tried to eat a piece of chicken (good for vitamin B12) and was literally sick...He was unable to eat anything cooked since he was a very small boy.

The makers of this documentary were baffled trying to help this man get back to eating a normal food. They stated that this man was more then just a finicky eater. They also suggested that something must have happened to this man at a very young age to make him so fearful of food (ya think?).

So now does nothing surprise me? Um, I think that a lot surprises me, lol...

On An "O Blood Type Diet" I Can Eat Almost Anything If I Modify Everything, lol

Mmmm, thanks Kerri! Dinner was great!

My girlfriend Kerri cooked me up some Shepard's Pie tonight.

As you can see by the picture it doesn't look like the traditional Shepard's Pie that is made with meat potatoes and corn.

I follow the O Blood Type Diet so I eat organic beef, sweet potatoes and soy beans instead. I am not allowed having potatoes and corn....

Basically on an O Blood Type Diet I can eat the same thing as everyone else but with modifications usually meaning I have to cook everything myself, from scratch...

My Shepard's Pie meal tasted sweet thanks to the sweet potatoes. As you can see you can cook them up and mash them the same way as using regular potatoes....I also make sweet potato fries in the oven and season them with chili powder quite a bit.

Yesterday on my shopping extravaganza I got some organic Olive Oil. We tried it out for the first time today even though I noticed when I got it home that it was 'spicy organic olive oil'. I hadn't a clue there was such a thing as spicy, lol...I was just looking for the cheapest kind. Organic food is pricey enough as it is...

So I found a 500ml bottle for $12. This is pretty pricey but Costco actually has a good price on their organic Olive Oil. They have been known to sell it for cheaper then there non organic Olive Oil! Unfortunately they were out of organic last time Kerri was there (she has a membership luckily because you can get great deals!).

I was glad to eat although eating has been an issue for me lately. I have just been feeling so lazy and doped up lately. Kerri was glad to see me eat. She does take really good care of me, lol...Thanks honey!
I took this picture as the sun was setting over the fields across the road from our house today. We are blessed with beautiful sunsets. This is one of many....
Here is a picture of the farm across from us right next to the field. Sometimes when the wind is blowing in a certain direction we can smell the aroma of hay and manure outside in our yard...a little gross but it's all good. I would rather the smell of a farm then some of those gross factory smells...ewwwww!

A Full Day Out - Guess What? I Lived!

Today I was out and busy from 9:15am until 4:30pm. Imagine that!!! I was feeling doped up, lol so I figured I would surely be exhausted when I arrived home. I'm not though. I'm proud of myself for making it though this day.

In the morning Kerri and I had our relationship counselling with my individual counsellor Haley. I thought it went really well. Kerri and I were able to talk to each other and listen. I was so mellow I was not even interrupting (interrupting people is something I have quite a knack for, lol).

I was pleased that Kerri admitted in front of Haley that I don't get angry anymore. At least nothing out of the norm. Of course I get angry, don't we all? This is some magical remedy my homeopath, Terrance, has given me. I am suppose to start diluting it as it runs out and I do worry a lot that if I dilute it or stop taking it this will be like Cinderella at the stroke of midnight. You know for me I will go back to my grumpoholic roots :-0!! I hope not!

After Kerri and left our relationship counselling, I got her to drop me off at this meeting I have been missing a lot of lately. It is a meeting for people of all disabilities at a centre that helps us all.

Today two representatives from the Ontario Disability Support Program, ODSP, were talking too our meeting about what changes could be made to the program. They were trying to get us more involved. I had a few things to say. I asked how come I have to hear from my case-manager that I am eligible to get $50 to buy energy saving bulbs? In other words disability offers things but are they not telling anyone. The representatives admitted that they don't always get the word out, uh-huh...

There were other things I brought up but Kerri reminded me that I forget to tell them that they don't give very much for rent. With subsidized housing being a 6 year wait and affordable housing hard to find how does one survive? I know most people on ODSP or even working low income full time jobs have to ask friends and family for help. It's so hard to survive!

After the meeting I even managed to do some emergency shopping. I just got the basics and I was pushing myself because all I really wanted to do was to go to my mental health drop-in and mellow out...I really don't even feel like eating these days anyways....

Anywhooo, here is a pic of Ottawa's very first stay on the ground snowfall of the year! We are actually late as the States and other parts of Canada have had there first snowfall last month!

There is more snow now as I am posting this picture. It is now an hour after I took the photo but it's pitch dark out. Kerri says that the kid down the street is busy building a small snowman already!

Reaching Out For Help Is 'A' OK!

So much anxiety! But why?

It all started after I told the coordinator of my old group home, Kate (they let past residents call for support), how things have been going for me lately. I told Kate how I feel it's not worth it to ask for help food shopping because the people that have been helping me with this are often stressed out themselves, including my case-manager Jenn. Or in Jenn's case it is not a part of the case-manager's mandate to take clients food shopping.

Kate is quite concerned. We have known each other since the days I lived in the home-less shelter. Kate has always believed in me. When I was angry I never scared her. She told me she could see right through the anger. This was such an awesome thing to hear.

I Kate that I am rationing my food because I don't want to go shopping. I have also come to the conclusion that i will be home bound for awhile although I am planning on getting out tomorrow with help from Kerri. We are going to relationship counselling and then I have a meeting to go to.

I could go food shopping after my meeting and before I will meet Kerri again after her second shift. I'm thinking I will probably not though feeling that way I do; anxious, stoned-like. I will likely just go to my mental health drop-in after my meeting and just hide in front of the computers they provide their. I get too nervous just sitting around even if I know the people in the drop-in .

If it was up to me I would just stay home and be in my bedroom....what's up with all of this? This is me eternally detoxing....Better then the old me, eternally grumpy :-P. I will make do with this situation. Kate said to call my outreach worker, Tori, who works at the group home, on Friday, when I will be home likely...Maybe she will help me. Kate says she wants Tori to call my Jenn to see what's going on with my care. This feels awesome! It's great how I have people vouching for me and who really know me and care! Kate has always been good at contacting my support people and making sure I have my needs met from workers! I do check-in now and again with Tori but she seems really busy. I don't really need the support-line so much now that I have this calming remedy but I will call on Friday and explain the situation and at least get some more support :-D.

Anywhooo, here is a cute picture of Speckle. Speckle did actually get stuck in the bag as you can see her head is going through the handle. She laid down after that and had this resigned look on her face, "Please, rescue me!" And I did :-).

Starting With Baby Steps Is An Excellent Confidence Booster!

I have been making slow progress in the personal rehabilitation off my isolation kick at home.

Yesterday Kerri offered to drive me to my volunteer job. This was a noooo way! But then I asked her if she would drive me to exercise class which is run by the people I volunteer with and in the same building. Kerri and agreed to do this and to wait around until I was done to drive me home again. I am sooo eternally grateful of this!

So, after missing 5 weeks of Monday classes (2 of those were holidays anyway), I made an appearance and did my whole routine (except only 10 minutes of walking on the treadmill and not the full 15). My trainer Dana didn't want me pushing myself to fast considering I told her I had done no exercise in the past 5 weeks....

Another baby step I did this morning at 6:30am was, I offered to drive Kerri to pick up her school bus. I had been refusing to drive Kerri to pick up her bus being afraid of having an accident because of my depression. I feared that my reaction time was slower due to this and the calming remedy that seems to be making me foggier these days.

Well it was only 6:30am. I woke up with only a manageable amount of anxiety and had not yet needed to take my prn day dose of calming remedy. So, I figured early morning was the best time. Plus, I am a morning person and Kerri had to leave for work around that time anyway.

School bus drivers start early! Well, some of them I guess. We weren't the only one's in the yard and driving about.

Kerri is very happy now because she can park both her car and bus at home again in our three car drive-way. Kerri usually has her bus at home but sometimes has to take time off and so she takes her bus back to the yard to get another driver to do her route.

Now, my honey can save time by coming straight home from working her split shift every day with her bus. She only needs to go the the bus yard to gas up and hand in paper work.

So, I did OK driving even though the sun was not completely out of bed and even despite there being a light rain.

I was nervous at one point when I was at a red light and the garbage truck in front of me wanted to back up and put on his back-up sound! I couldn't back up because there was a school bus behind me! Kerri was already in her bus but near me still at this point. I was following her home as we live only a five minute commute from the bus yard. She said she was a bit worried that I would panic... Lot's to think about when you are driving.

Kerri assured me that buses and trucks can see cars behind them and wouldn't squash me, lol...good to know!

Today, I still feel like resting at home. I knew Kerri reaaally wanted her bus home so I challenged myself and did it....I will be OK though, in baby steps!

Communication Is The Staple In Any Good, Solid Relationship!

I feel a lot more positive about things today, yay!

I am still crying though from time to time, but it's a good thing. I had been carrying a lot of anxiety and hurt around with me for a very long time....

I feel I have been going though a whole rejection theme.

On Friday my case-manager Jenn's boss, Mary, didn't show up for our support appointment. Mary instead scheduled a meeting between her and her boss during our time-slot. The week before Mary didn't show up either.

Mary promises she will come this Friday. She gets how much I need people to keep their word and how important support appointments are to me. Friday was a misunderstanding in her mind and the week before she was alone in the office so I have hope that this week she will come.

Mary doesn't even have to make appointments with me but does so because she wants too. She knows I enjoy our in-person appointments. In addition she gives phone support as needed and answers any e-mails if stuff comes up and I don't want to bother her on the phone.

So, that's what 'the crash' was all about: feeling rejection from Mary. It happened at the wrong time of the month and also during a difficult detox off of an event that troubled me in my past. Yes peeps - you can be detoxed off of anything. Even tattoo's, lol...

I was able to have a 1/2 hour phone session with Mary Friday, during which I was curled up on my carpeted floor in front of my electric heater (for comfort) and bawling. I was sooo hurt that Mary didn't come for our session that my tummy hurt...

In addition to all the rejection around the missed appointment I felt I was not wanted in my own home. Kerri and her daughter, Hope, over heard me on the phone with Daria, a long time friend last evening and this was a pivotal moment. I actually finally talked to my family, Hope and Kerri, and got to say how I felt for real. I found out that they were not rejecting me. I found out that I am wanted in my home. This is great news!

So now, at home, I think we have a much better understanding about things. No great and wonderful answers but tips for communication so we don't send mixed messages and hurt each other.

Communication is hard. I just told Kerri to tell me how she feels if she seems distant or upset. This, so I don't blame myself for something that isn't mine to blame. This so that I can help instead of hurt....awww...

Kerri and I are opposites in everything and so often we don't know how to deal with each other. But this is normal. Relationships of any kind are hard hard work! I feel much more positive about things now.

Why am I still sad? I am growing....

The Paradoxical Detox

I am in a really baaaad depression. Crying and staying in bed has become my norm for the past couple of days. Insomnia is baaaad too.

I just wrote about 5 pages in my diary. I rarely use my diary. I just needed an outlook that I didn't necessarily want to share with anyone.

I think I'm coming out of the deep depression slowly though because here I am blogging again. I have to say those past couple of days I wasn't blogging, my head and heart seemed to go dead. I snapped internally. I went inside myself losing interest most things including food. Had no energy to sit up like this and write. I have a desk-top computer so I literally have to sit up! I didn't want to feel because I was in such deep pain.

Perhaps this pain stems from the latest detox that my homeopath, Terrance, gave me do take for the last 3 evenings (starting the night before I crashed). Terrance was detoxing me off a very emotional event during a mania 6 years ago. I'm not even sure if this is why I crashed because all the pain that came out was the opposite of what I felt at the time. But this has happened in detoxes before.

For so many hours I laid thinking 'Why am I doing this?' Why don't I quit the blood type diet, at least. I'm not feeling any better...I know I'm stubborn but....

There was an event that led me to the ultimate crash, but I don't really feel like going into that. It's just that so many things have been stressing me lately. Five pages worth!

I'm also really getting fed up that I am not able to get out and food shop for myself. I'm not driving like this though. Kerri got me a few things but she is getting tired of helping me all the time when I am too sick to come with her.

I guess I've been done fighting for awhile now. Ever since the calming remedy I have let my anger go inside myself and Kerri even said I was doing much better. Shockingly better, lol. I'm not saying I don't still say the odd snide remark or get angry. It's just that I don't bother fighting so hard anymore to make every thing my way. In the end I feel a lot of sadness because I do want some control over my life but it seems that I'm not at a place yet where I am able to honestly take care of me. This makes me sad and so I feel pain. I feel sooo much sorrow.

Having others take care of me is the last thing I wanted and yet it's the only thing I have ever known in my life....