The Painful Struggle Of Addiction And Where I'm At...

Amy Winehouse died 2 days ago and I have been reading everything I can to find out why. There is not much. It is assumed to be drugs since the autopsy has not found anything. Now we will have to wait 4-6 weeks for the the toxicology reports.  I don’t know much about Amy but what I have been learning is that was a troubled addict and I can identify with her struggle as I am an addict who has been sober 6 years.  I was never into her music. I can’t relate to the celebrity part which I know is a huge part but here are some of my thoughts on addiction:

Addiction changes your brain. You are numb inside or at least these are my thoughts here from my druggy days…I didn’t get why people were so worried about me. People stopped their lives and came to help me wondering if I was going to die or when. I tried not to talk about all this after I came too, or survived that high or attempt on my life. The boundaries were not even clear. I was so impulsive. I didn’t want to think. I had thrown the coping skills I did have out the window and just focused on the now. I didn’t think of the future. I was just existing…I needed to survive. I needed to block out my depression, anxiety, flashbacks of abuse, sadness of my dads death, and memories of my operations from my hydrocephalus. It was a painful realization that the goals I had set up to do ie complete University; have a great job; house, 2 kids; husband (I was so lost I didn’t yet realize I was a lesbian nor did I want to deal with that yet) were not going to happen due to my existing mental problems coupled with a learning disability….so much in my head.  

The other day I was on twitter and a site came up of a singer, Tori Amos. I love  music but it had been awhile since I played her songs. This song 'Winter' made me think of Amy Winehouse for probably no reason idk...anyways I got hooked on this song and I didn't even know what it was talking about (I listed to the tune not so much the words - gets me in trouble sometimes, lol).

   

Looking on the web it seems to be about Tori remembering a happy event from her childhood, playing and her father’s unconditional love.  I have been imagining myself as a 4 year old and pretending to interact with ‘little me.’ This is something my team of professionals have been coaching me on. I look at 'little me' through my eyes and remember that I do not wish pain on myself as this child. I even notice I try never to swear because I’m a mom now to myself, lol…

In my interactions with my cats Speckle and now Bob I treat them as if they are perfect and I want only happiness and to love them.

Anyway, about the addiction piece I am so happy that I am here on this earth still even though its so not easy for me yet. Now I can perhaps shed light onto this deadly problem and the deep denial within the addict/alcoholics that keeps them lying and keeps them using.

There is really nothing you can do for a person who does not stay clean or get help. Sometimes you have to way the pros and cons ie. Do you really need this person in your life or are you going to start letting go of them and taking care of YOU!

Moved Journal Site Back To The Old Site...

I have temporarily or permanently moved back to my Livejournal site at: 

http://yogime1230.livejournal.com/

A New Bed, My New Occupational Therapist And A New Me????

I like! 

My new bed, that is.  It's somewhere between soft and firm.  A well balanced bed then, yes :-P? 

I have taken a picture to show y'all because there is something that seems a bit weird to me.  I feel it's very high off the ground and I was thinking at first that I might need a little step ladder to get up to my bed, hehe. 

I am 5'1 peeps!  Not so tall and I not so short I suppose but ya know...

I know I took this pic without making my bed but it's hard when you have 4 cats and 3 of them like to sleep on my bed or Kerri's bed or anywhere for that matter.  I don't want to bother the cats unless absolutely necessary i.e. if they are laying on me and the phone rings and it's a waaaaay over there somewhere.  Kerri thinks I am being ridiculous letting the cats do whatever they want but whateva :-D!

Today I met my Occupational Therapist Charrie for the first time.  She gave me homework, yip.  I don't mind homework though.  I usually get stuff like that completed pretty fast.  I feel good doing homework because I feel like it is the key to my future cureness!  It doesn't really work that way though. It does help me to focus on something positive and ya know every little bit helps, right?

After Charrie left my case-manager Jenn, who was also at the meeting with Charrie, took me to Rainbow, a vegetarian health food store.  Rainbow is a vegetarian health food store in Ottawa's west end.  Jenn stayed with me in the store, as promised for this one time only. 

I even got a $10 discount because I am a member (this is free) and after you buy a certain amount of groceries price-wise they offer you that discount.  Thing is you don't know when you will get the discount because it's not on your bill.  Kerri and I wondered if they actually would give out the discount but now we know.  I've been shopping there for 5 months. 

I especially wanted and found some organic garlic to finally make humus!  So, I'm pretty much all set for the next week at least, hehe.  Jenn showed me that you can actually tell if a garlic is going bad as my last garlic had gone bad and I didn't even know it until I opened it.  Tami explained that if you touch a garlic and they are gone mushy (you really have to press in all the clovey grooves too) then they have gone bad.  This is the only way you can tell apparently but better then no way at all.  Some of the peel on the garlic looked brown but Jenn said colour doesn't matter...good to know!

No Need To Blow Up My Bed Anymore :-P!

When I moved in with Kerri back in July, she had been living here for years so the place was fully furnished.  My step-dad Jim bought me some book shelves and I was set.  I used an air mattress over the box spring of the old mattress to sleep.  It was comfortable.  Kerri's daughter hope uses the bed mattress and but that's all she needed so I didn't need to buy a bed that is until the air mattress, or air mattress number 2 sprang a leak.  Kerri thinks that Taters the cat was clawing at it and punctured the 2 I was using one after another.  He looks sweet and innocent but, you never know....

Today Kerri and I no longer need to blow up my mattress at night because Sleep Country delivered me my own mattress and box spring, yay!  It's a twin but I prefer that because I like more floor space. 

As you can see Speckle approved of the upright position that Kerri and I had put Hope's box spring mattress.  She likes to be up high, hehe.

Unfortunately Kerri has been fatigued the last 4 days with a terrible cold.  Wonderful eh?  Kerri gets time off work and a well deserved break but can't much enjoy it yet. 

Even with this fatiguing cold Kerri took me shopping to the superstore.  She really just needed some more OJ and I told her not to worry about shopping but she managed with no complaints.  Awww, thanks sweetie!

We both got some more food especially fruit and stuff.  I stocked up on more unsweetened chocolate;  Sole, and a few other things. 

Tomorrow my case-manager is taking me to the health food store where there is a better selection of organic food.  I have to say that the superstore has quite a nice organic selection though and I know other grocery stores and selling more and more organic these days.  If we buy it they order more for us oftentimes at cheaper prices then health food stores :-). 

Eating makes me feel good.  I guess this is a no brainer though, hehe.  Kerri said I use to eat the same thing everyday and that it was painful to watch.  It is true that I was worried about getting all the calcium I needed while not having pasteurized milk products as per diet rules.  I also didn't know a whole lot about cooking and being spontaneous because I didn't cook that much before hand.  Now having figured it out more I have so much to choose from and it's fun to eat!

Tonight for dinner I had my Sole.  Sole is highly beneficial for my O blood type on this diet.  Although I have eaten Sole at buffets, this is the first time I have cooked it on my own (Kerri offered some advice also).  I dressed it up with a tomato sauce thingy.   I am always excited to find new things to eat on this O Blood Type Diet :-).

Anatomy Of Cat vs. Field Mouse...

I really didn't want to post this picture but this is typical cat behaviour as I came across the scene of Speckle the cat vs. mouse last evening.   

I'm not afraid of much.  The way I think of it there is nothing really poisonous in Canada and I have my guard cat to first alert me to a mouse presense so all is good. 

I have found that Speckle is more interested in mice then the rest of the 3 cats I have lived with in my life.  The same goes for the 3 cats that I currently live with.  Other cats don't seem to bother with these cute looking little mice.  We do feed our cats!  But Speckle, yep!  She is intense.  Speckle tends to sit in a spot for an hour even if I have turfed the mouse outside.  What is Speckle thinking?  Does she think that the same mouse will come back knowing she is still there?

It's not like this cute little mouse was intentionally letting his presense be known.  He was hiding under a suitcase in Kerri's bedroom on the 2nd floor of our split level house.  I did suspect something was up when Speckle was starring at the suitcase for quite sometime.  Mice are silly to come into a house with 4 cats.  They can smell cats just as cats can hear/ smell them.  Lucky for this little field mouse Speckle seemed to just want to observe and chase him but not actually eat him for dinner.  I guess cats do have a history of playing with their prey and tormenting them...

So, I put the little field mouse that it was in a bucket and dumped it outside in the snow.  I hope he lives but Kerri says he will die.  Sad, the poor little thing was so nervous and cute.  I kind of wanted to adopt him too! 

I am a carnivore who is a wannabe vegetarian because I can't stand the idea of killing animals.  But I realize that organic meat/ fish has a lot of good iron/ calcium/ tryptophan in it for me so I just let someone else kill it ;-0 and pretend that it was never once alive and cute.

Today Kerri and I were cleaning the house.  It had to be done.  I don't mind it.  Kerri found that I missed a few sticky spots on the coffee table, oops (I assume it was me eating honey or dipping my apple in maple syrup)! 

We did let Spock out again.  Kerri said it was fine since we don't need to give him his 2nd worm pill for 2 weeks.  I wanted to keep him in longer as he still seems uncomfortable with the other cats.  But he is an outdoor cat and he always returns.  He's a nice little guy - affectionate around people :-).

Teaching Speckle That I Still Love Her As Much As Spock Might Work.....

Last night I kept waking up with the fear that I had lost Spock our new cat Spock :-O! 

I had let Spock out yesterday an hour after he had gotten his shots and it's been over 24 hours and he only returned 25 hours later.  I have no idea why he disappeared since the little bugger has been guarding our house since the summer and rarely wandering.  Anywhoo, he is back and I love him.  We started him on his 1st de-worming pill and he gobbled it up like it was a yummy thing to eat, lol.  He doesn't need another pill for 14 days. 

Kerri has suggested that we leave Spock inside the rest of the day so that he can learn to feel comfortable inside the house with our other cats.  I am discovering that this is a really good plan.  Spock is still highly amused at looking at his reflection in the mirror and I do think he is happy with us.  He is very affectionate anyway and he is also slowly getting more comfy being around our cats.  He is discovering an interest in the catnip pillows and even Speckles catnip blanket while yesterday he showed no interest in catnip.  Perhaps he was too nervous. 

Speckle, in the meantime, is mad at me and that Spock is taking away her attention (yes cats do have feelings and personalities, hehe).  So, I am trying to spend more time with her and all of our cats especially Tate, Speckle and Spock.  Bob is 16 and sleeps most of the time anyway. 

I am thrilled that Spock came home to us.  I am sure Speckle will come around.  She was angry at me when I first brought her to Kerri's too.  Speckle does have a temper as she doesn't tolerate change well AT ALL.  She is very much like me in that sense although she was that way when we got her at a year and a half so I didn't have anything to do with that ;-). 

I think since I understand Speckle it was good that I have her and that she chose me.  She was so comfy, quiet and well behaved sitting in my arms that first time I held her at the pet store :-).  I know now that it was a good thing that I didn't introduce Speckle to any other cats right away before I got to bond with her a bit...

Another thing I am happy about today is that I took another risk :-).  Not only did I drive to the end of our dead end street as I had been doing for the past 3 days, but today I took my car to the main road (60km that turns into 80km).   I drove to the gas station about 2 minutes away.  It's another stepping stone though!  I should have been wearing sunglasses, but it was a good experience.  Yeah I was a bit nervous, but it wasn't so bad.  Oh, and then I told Kerri about it when she got off from her am run and she says 'Did you notice the black ice?'  I nealy panicked.  'What black ice? The roads were all clear!'  I said. 

If I had known there was black ice I think I would have stayed on our road, lol!  Kerri says there is always black ice in the winter time so I will have to be careful driving and I was :-).  Luckily there was not much traffic and since we are out in the coutry often the roads are kinda quiet.

I have been happy for the past 4 days.  This is a Fall/ Winter record so far for this year!  I hope I will continue to get better and at least continue to get food from the grocery/ health food stores because I think eating all the fresh fruit that I do now and having a choice for meals and yummy chocolate has something to do with my good mood.  Yes eating helps as they say :-D.

And Now We Have Four Cats, Welcome Spock :-)

Today Kerri and I awoke to a chilling Windchill of - 30 C.  This caused some problems for Kerri work-wise.  She ran out to start her bus which was plugged in all night but it wouldn't start.  Our cars started fine but because Kerri's bus uses diesel fuel it's harder to start in cold weather like this. 

Kerri's job sent over a guy to give her a boost but then there was something wrong with the brakes of her bus so she had to go over to the bus yard (which is luckily only 5 minutes from our home) and drive a new bus.  The bus they gave her was the only spare they had for special needs kids i.e. with a wheel chair ramp.  Unfortunately this bus had no heat.  Now keep in mind there is a windchill of - 30 C.  Also keep in mind that vehicles have that draft thing going on.  And remember Kerri is driving kids to school.  Poor Kerri!

When Kerri got home she had to bring poor ole Spock to the vet.  This was probably Spock's first vet appointment in his life!  As you can imagine the poor guy was terrified and so when the vet tech opened his cage to weigh him he shot out of his cage and off into a far room where the food was kept (as if we don't give the guy enough food to eat ;-) ).  Kerri's daughter Hope had to run after him but got him back with no trouble (I seem to remember Speckle doing something like that at the vets before too).

So, Spock is fairly healthy.  He has worms but we knew that.  We could see the creepy crawlies on his tail from time to time.  The worms die when they crawl out of the back end of him so it's not that bad contagious wise.  He has oil in his ears which will need to be cleaned over time.  There is tartar on his teeth so after the worms are cleared up I will brush his teeth as I do with Speckle and Bob.  The cats still love me btw ;-). 

Spock had all his shots and will be brought back to the vet again in 3 weeks.  Kerri can do this on her own but I do offer to help her if she wants me to accompany her. 

Kerri and Hope picked up an early Christmas present for each of our 4 cats.  Here is Speckle sampling Bob's catnip pillow.  She likes all of them and kinda rotates, hehe.  The other cats are interested but not nearly as excited about the whole thing as Speckle.  Speckle loves catnip!  It doesn't make her hyper.  She just likes to like it and sniff it I guess.  She purrs and purrs though and rolls from one side to the other...

I am excited that the vet has said Spock can mingle with our other cats.  So, here he is extremely fascinated by his on reflection.  It's as if he has never seen a mirror before!  Kerri suspects he has been an outdoor cat all of his life.  I think he likes being inside with all of us people and the other cats though. 

I love cats so I'm all excited about our new addition :-D.