No matter the reason Tony Scott
killed himself it was selfish > for
him. Not thinking or empathizing how his family, his kids would feel having
such a sudden and traumatic event in their lives and how powerless and lost
that feeling may be for them…
I used to be called an overdose
Eddy by the ER staff because I was there so much back in my 20s. I’m 38. Most
of this time I felt I was in control.
I just wanted a break. I took only a certain amount of pills
that I had taken before etc and just
before I had a seizure or blacked out I
would feel a high off it.
Mom was really freaked out. Even
after I got help in the form of rehab for drugs and alcohol abuse I still
wanted to harm myself so I cut and swallowed stuff that could kill me. I only
thought of me, my pain, me needing a
break/distraction from life. How funny it was that I was ‘in control’ and still alive. I knew what I was doing
and look at all the attention I was
getting because I craved that so
much. But I only thought of me…and my brain was so messed up in this I didn’t
see what I was doing to others even though I was ‘trying to hide it’ and also
somewhat ashamed. Well, I must have
hated myself to be able to have hurt myself so much…
I never came too realize that
there were people all around me until a year after I quit using…or was that
when I decided I could use normally? I think so, and, because I’m an addict I
once again lost control…
I finally got sober nearly seven
years ago, although I then turned to anorexia and that could have harmed me more
then it did but I was able advocate for myself and get help, or enough to
stabilize my health in the eyes of my doctor…
Now I try to eat healthy. I have
good days and so good. I suck at self care but I try my best and I feel that I
have a future even on my dark days. As my worker Jenn says when I’m depressed
“Lisa you always look forward too tomorrow when you get another chance to feel
better” and this is so true. Instead of worrying about my death I plan to live
till I’m 120, ok?
I don’t know how I would feel if
I still felt that powerless and lonely feeling inside; if I was still afraid to
talk and tell people my inner most secrets; if I didn’t have such a wonderful
support network. I don’t know. All I know is I have had an ex who committed
suicide and we were ‘estranged’ and yet I still felt if I could have helped
more, done more, stayed around…then maybe he would be here because it I feel
the need to help people even though I
also know my boundaries and there is still so much I am scared about, but I do
my best!
I need people, all people, to understand that its ok to ask for help.
Start the journey. Be creative. Laugh a ton and it doesn’t matter if you are
the only one who’s laughing. Just remember a lot of people do care. You may not
be aware of that but its human nature so remember that. You can’t read peoples
minds (my worker keeps reminding me of that).
You matter!
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