Pain Breeds More Pain...Thats Comfort? Stop Gay Bullying!

There has been so much talk recently about teenagers taking their own lives especially because of gay bullying.  As a lesbian chatting to gay male friends it seems that men/boys who are gay get it so much worse then us girls/women.

I didn’t come out as a lesbian until I was 35 but in highschool a friend of mine was gay and I never ever had a problem with her, oddly. I am lucky to have come from a family who is completely accepting of who are gay…

I remember during my teen years I was extremely depressed. I would go through periods when I didn’t talk. I had friends but I never told my friends I was suffering even after my dad died when I was 11. To this day I have a friend from highschool who is baffled that and am not married; don’t have a house; a job or kids and she asks me why don’t I (snap out of it)? Sometimes I still cry because my life is so difficult that somedays just getting off the sofa to make an actual meal is painful (emotionally).

I never dropped out of highschool yet I remember wanting to but staying because I knew mom wanted me too.

Today watching “Anderson,” Anderson Cooper’s mom, Gloria Vanderbilt told one of the audience members who had tried to kill herself to focus on the ones who love us and would miss us if we died. I don’t even think I was thinking of anyone or thing outside of myself when I attempted, on numerous occasions in my 20s. I do remember making a conscious effort to turn my thoughts off at the time I would cut, burn or ingest pills or worse. I really had a craving to lose my pain and because I was in pain I figured more pain was comforting. It was familiar…

Today I have more labels, more panic attacks, and cry plenty out of being easily frustrated. I feel sad and depressed for long periods yet I rarely have thoughts of suicide. I think for me the reason is that I have a ton of support. I chat with Kerri, my ex/BFF even though she moved away. We chat for like an hour on the phone most days.  Also, I can access my mental health workers answering machine or e-mail her. My outreach worker at my past group home has a phone number and someone is there most of the day/night who I can call if I need too.

It’s really important for people with mental health issues to have access to services that are not friend or parent related.  Sometimes I think my problems will just depress people I know in my personal life even though most of the time mine are simple problems with intense moods which change my perspective on ‘the truth.’

I use to take great comfort in accessing my area Community Mental Health Center which had a walk- in for mental health clients where they can chat with a social worker. I got to know and feel comfortable with the same staff and could call in ahead of time to see who was working…

I hope people grow more tolerant of gays. We are getting there but it’s a work in progress. It’s really stressful to keep secrets ya know. I have had that experience!

When Family Doctors Fail...

My family doctors have done nothing to help me deal with my anxiety.

 I used to be able to volunteer for 15 hours a week and I loved it! I use to be able to take the bus, shop for food and even drive. Now I lie on the sofa and usually tune into HLN where I can watch high profile criminal trials in the US and hear the same evidence and lies over and over again and then rehash it all again in the evening while I think of what I want to eat because its hard for me to eat when I am anxious…

I haven’t had a psychiatrist in 6 years. My labels are bipolar, social anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, PTSD and panic disorder. I go to the doctor to see residents doctors who change every 2 years (my doctor has hour long waits) and they won’t actually assign me to a specific resident unless I ask…

Today I had a phone session with my mental health social worker Jenn. I have been feeling so frustrated because one of the Occupational Therapist’s had said she thought I was just using her because I was not able to function on my own after she worked with me for 3 months. Jenn assures me the OT had never dealt with someone with agoraphobia and panic disorder before. The OT would come once every 2 or 3 weeks for 3 months but even I could tell her I didn’t feel any better. Jenn says I really need someone to come get me out every day or something.

I’m just so sick of feeling that people are thinking that since everything is ‘in my head’ I can just snap my fingers and get out and be whoever I want to be just like that.  I told Jenn that I have been telling my resident doctors and my actual doctor who sees me periodically that I have anxiety. I figured I must not be speaking clearly because they don’t offer me help for it. Jenn comes with me to my doctor appointments and told me that I do speak clearly but they do not offer to help me…

The residents see me come in with conversion disorders, and stress headaches that last a month. They send me for a CAT scan to make sure it’s not because of my hydrocephalus but nothing shows up so they expect to see me back when my meds run out in 6 months.

It’s not like I did not fight to have a life with these panic attacks. For a year I continued to show up at my volunteer jobs. The staff would tell me to go lie down and rest for a bit if I was having a panic attack. They would let me deal with the attacks on my own because I told them it would go away on its own. I preferred to be alone for the most part.

On the way to my volunteer job I started to have panic attacks on the bus and then in the Rideau Centre walking to get my connection. Then the panic attack would pass and I would put in my hours volunteering like nothing had happened. Then I started having panic attacks at the bus stop or waking up in the morning…how could I fight back?

Clients would ask me ‘are you a student’ ‘do you work?’ To them I was just a human and I didn’t look like someone with a mental illness.  Sometimes I would tell them that I was not able to work because of my mental issues and do you know what? I have gotten so much respect from people for just being honest!

But doctors, answer me this, with all my problems why do I not have a psychiatrist who does psychotherapy? Gratefully after 6 years of this progression of anxiety my worker has given my family doctor’s consultant shrink a referral form (like a month ago) to help me get a doctor at our local Mental Hospital who specializes in anxiety to work with me…the waiting list is about 6 months and Jenn has offered to drive me.

I really hope I get help but when I feel really scared or depressed sometimes I really feel that there is no help for me. I hope I’m wrong. I do have so much to offer the world and I would like to help out in some way and give back…

The Painful Struggle Of Addiction And Where I'm At...

Amy Winehouse died 2 days ago and I have been reading everything I can to find out why. There is not much. It is assumed to be drugs since the autopsy has not found anything. Now we will have to wait 4-6 weeks for the the toxicology reports.  I don’t know much about Amy but what I have been learning is that was a troubled addict and I can identify with her struggle as I am an addict who has been sober 6 years.  I was never into her music. I can’t relate to the celebrity part which I know is a huge part but here are some of my thoughts on addiction:

Addiction changes your brain. You are numb inside or at least these are my thoughts here from my druggy days…I didn’t get why people were so worried about me. People stopped their lives and came to help me wondering if I was going to die or when. I tried not to talk about all this after I came too, or survived that high or attempt on my life. The boundaries were not even clear. I was so impulsive. I didn’t want to think. I had thrown the coping skills I did have out the window and just focused on the now. I didn’t think of the future. I was just existing…I needed to survive. I needed to block out my depression, anxiety, flashbacks of abuse, sadness of my dads death, and memories of my operations from my hydrocephalus. It was a painful realization that the goals I had set up to do ie complete University; have a great job; house, 2 kids; husband (I was so lost I didn’t yet realize I was a lesbian nor did I want to deal with that yet) were not going to happen due to my existing mental problems coupled with a learning disability….so much in my head.  

The other day I was on twitter and a site came up of a singer, Tori Amos. I love  music but it had been awhile since I played her songs. This song 'Winter' made me think of Amy Winehouse for probably no reason idk...anyways I got hooked on this song and I didn't even know what it was talking about (I listed to the tune not so much the words - gets me in trouble sometimes, lol).

   

Looking on the web it seems to be about Tori remembering a happy event from her childhood, playing and her father’s unconditional love.  I have been imagining myself as a 4 year old and pretending to interact with ‘little me.’ This is something my team of professionals have been coaching me on. I look at 'little me' through my eyes and remember that I do not wish pain on myself as this child. I even notice I try never to swear because I’m a mom now to myself, lol…

In my interactions with my cats Speckle and now Bob I treat them as if they are perfect and I want only happiness and to love them.

Anyway, about the addiction piece I am so happy that I am here on this earth still even though its so not easy for me yet. Now I can perhaps shed light onto this deadly problem and the deep denial within the addict/alcoholics that keeps them lying and keeps them using.

There is really nothing you can do for a person who does not stay clean or get help. Sometimes you have to way the pros and cons ie. Do you really need this person in your life or are you going to start letting go of them and taking care of YOU!

Moved Journal Site Back To The Old Site...

I have temporarily or permanently moved back to my Livejournal site at: 

http://yogime1230.livejournal.com/

A New Bed, My New Occupational Therapist And A New Me????

I like! 

My new bed, that is.  It's somewhere between soft and firm.  A well balanced bed then, yes :-P? 

I have taken a picture to show y'all because there is something that seems a bit weird to me.  I feel it's very high off the ground and I was thinking at first that I might need a little step ladder to get up to my bed, hehe. 

I am 5'1 peeps!  Not so tall and I not so short I suppose but ya know...

I know I took this pic without making my bed but it's hard when you have 4 cats and 3 of them like to sleep on my bed or Kerri's bed or anywhere for that matter.  I don't want to bother the cats unless absolutely necessary i.e. if they are laying on me and the phone rings and it's a waaaaay over there somewhere.  Kerri thinks I am being ridiculous letting the cats do whatever they want but whateva :-D!

Today I met my Occupational Therapist Charrie for the first time.  She gave me homework, yip.  I don't mind homework though.  I usually get stuff like that completed pretty fast.  I feel good doing homework because I feel like it is the key to my future cureness!  It doesn't really work that way though. It does help me to focus on something positive and ya know every little bit helps, right?

After Charrie left my case-manager Jenn, who was also at the meeting with Charrie, took me to Rainbow, a vegetarian health food store.  Rainbow is a vegetarian health food store in Ottawa's west end.  Jenn stayed with me in the store, as promised for this one time only. 

I even got a $10 discount because I am a member (this is free) and after you buy a certain amount of groceries price-wise they offer you that discount.  Thing is you don't know when you will get the discount because it's not on your bill.  Kerri and I wondered if they actually would give out the discount but now we know.  I've been shopping there for 5 months. 

I especially wanted and found some organic garlic to finally make humus!  So, I'm pretty much all set for the next week at least, hehe.  Jenn showed me that you can actually tell if a garlic is going bad as my last garlic had gone bad and I didn't even know it until I opened it.  Tami explained that if you touch a garlic and they are gone mushy (you really have to press in all the clovey grooves too) then they have gone bad.  This is the only way you can tell apparently but better then no way at all.  Some of the peel on the garlic looked brown but Jenn said colour doesn't matter...good to know!

No Need To Blow Up My Bed Anymore :-P!

When I moved in with Kerri back in July, she had been living here for years so the place was fully furnished.  My step-dad Jim bought me some book shelves and I was set.  I used an air mattress over the box spring of the old mattress to sleep.  It was comfortable.  Kerri's daughter hope uses the bed mattress and but that's all she needed so I didn't need to buy a bed that is until the air mattress, or air mattress number 2 sprang a leak.  Kerri thinks that Taters the cat was clawing at it and punctured the 2 I was using one after another.  He looks sweet and innocent but, you never know....

Today Kerri and I no longer need to blow up my mattress at night because Sleep Country delivered me my own mattress and box spring, yay!  It's a twin but I prefer that because I like more floor space. 

As you can see Speckle approved of the upright position that Kerri and I had put Hope's box spring mattress.  She likes to be up high, hehe.

Unfortunately Kerri has been fatigued the last 4 days with a terrible cold.  Wonderful eh?  Kerri gets time off work and a well deserved break but can't much enjoy it yet. 

Even with this fatiguing cold Kerri took me shopping to the superstore.  She really just needed some more OJ and I told her not to worry about shopping but she managed with no complaints.  Awww, thanks sweetie!

We both got some more food especially fruit and stuff.  I stocked up on more unsweetened chocolate;  Sole, and a few other things. 

Tomorrow my case-manager is taking me to the health food store where there is a better selection of organic food.  I have to say that the superstore has quite a nice organic selection though and I know other grocery stores and selling more and more organic these days.  If we buy it they order more for us oftentimes at cheaper prices then health food stores :-). 

Eating makes me feel good.  I guess this is a no brainer though, hehe.  Kerri said I use to eat the same thing everyday and that it was painful to watch.  It is true that I was worried about getting all the calcium I needed while not having pasteurized milk products as per diet rules.  I also didn't know a whole lot about cooking and being spontaneous because I didn't cook that much before hand.  Now having figured it out more I have so much to choose from and it's fun to eat!

Tonight for dinner I had my Sole.  Sole is highly beneficial for my O blood type on this diet.  Although I have eaten Sole at buffets, this is the first time I have cooked it on my own (Kerri offered some advice also).  I dressed it up with a tomato sauce thingy.   I am always excited to find new things to eat on this O Blood Type Diet :-).

Anatomy Of Cat vs. Field Mouse...

I really didn't want to post this picture but this is typical cat behaviour as I came across the scene of Speckle the cat vs. mouse last evening.   

I'm not afraid of much.  The way I think of it there is nothing really poisonous in Canada and I have my guard cat to first alert me to a mouse presense so all is good. 

I have found that Speckle is more interested in mice then the rest of the 3 cats I have lived with in my life.  The same goes for the 3 cats that I currently live with.  Other cats don't seem to bother with these cute looking little mice.  We do feed our cats!  But Speckle, yep!  She is intense.  Speckle tends to sit in a spot for an hour even if I have turfed the mouse outside.  What is Speckle thinking?  Does she think that the same mouse will come back knowing she is still there?

It's not like this cute little mouse was intentionally letting his presense be known.  He was hiding under a suitcase in Kerri's bedroom on the 2nd floor of our split level house.  I did suspect something was up when Speckle was starring at the suitcase for quite sometime.  Mice are silly to come into a house with 4 cats.  They can smell cats just as cats can hear/ smell them.  Lucky for this little field mouse Speckle seemed to just want to observe and chase him but not actually eat him for dinner.  I guess cats do have a history of playing with their prey and tormenting them...

So, I put the little field mouse that it was in a bucket and dumped it outside in the snow.  I hope he lives but Kerri says he will die.  Sad, the poor little thing was so nervous and cute.  I kind of wanted to adopt him too! 

I am a carnivore who is a wannabe vegetarian because I can't stand the idea of killing animals.  But I realize that organic meat/ fish has a lot of good iron/ calcium/ tryptophan in it for me so I just let someone else kill it ;-0 and pretend that it was never once alive and cute.

Today Kerri and I were cleaning the house.  It had to be done.  I don't mind it.  Kerri found that I missed a few sticky spots on the coffee table, oops (I assume it was me eating honey or dipping my apple in maple syrup)! 

We did let Spock out again.  Kerri said it was fine since we don't need to give him his 2nd worm pill for 2 weeks.  I wanted to keep him in longer as he still seems uncomfortable with the other cats.  But he is an outdoor cat and he always returns.  He's a nice little guy - affectionate around people :-).