When Numbness Isn't A Choice

I was chatting with my mental health worker Jenn yesterday about how I feel numb all the time and that this had been going on as long as I can remember. Jenn said it is normal because I have had trauma starting at birth. So this numbness is not really a choice. It's like being on a really scary roller-coaster where your hands are so tight on the bar you can't unclench them without it hurting. The last thing you want is to hurt. I can function. This numbness helps me feel safe. But it’s also frustrating because sometimes I want to ‘wake-up’ and I feel I need to hide out of fear of panic attacks and anxiety I guess.

‘Hiding’ for me has been quite common these last couple of years. As I think back to what I did to get so agoraphobic for instance, I think of how a few years back I was doing yoga daily and practicing stills to self soothe on a regular basis. It was pretty ritualized and obsessive-like unfortunately. My goal was to cure myself of mental illness, to be ‘normal’ and go far in life. This plan hasn’t panned out, yet.

I ended up stopping all the ritualized self-care rather abruptly because I started having panic attacks during my at home yoga DVD sessions. I was even having attacks during bubble baths. As I think back I wonder if maybe I ‘should’ have pushed through and embraced this shift as stuff coming out the way it was supposed to. Maybe this would have been a way of empowering me and helping my self-confidence eventually. Or maybe I needed to stop and go inside myself a bit.

I have been having vivid dreams in the last few weeks. These dreams are of having grand mal seizures over and over again or having committed a violent act and having the cops after me. I have woken up after dreams of hearing screaming then fearing I am going to end up in the loony bin! It’s been eight years since I’ve been in-patient and I really want to keep it that way!  When I told Jenn about the dreams she told me it was the Bowen therapy, the body work I have been doing. That’s what I had been thinking.

I have missed the last two weeks of Bowen because two weeks ago my Bowen Practitioner Casey had the flu and then I had a really bad cold this week…But we will get back on track. I am also wondering if my 3 colds since February are Bowen’s doing since I had successfully outwitted (very proud too grinning from ear to ear) my mom’s flu and cold and my step-dad’s two colds between November and January. Yet when starting Bowen I have been sick most of the time since. Maybe I jinxed myself through my overconfidence, LOL…we all need to be humbled sometimes, no?

It was at this time and with my Homeopath Terrance that things were shifting inside of my mind. I had lost the rage I had carried with me all of my life. Unfortunately now I didn’t feel like doing anything except watching television and staying around the house.  Terrance seemed to think this was just a normal state of the process that would pass but here I am 2 ½ years later and I’m still sitting at home, nesting. The cats love it though…

I’ll start again, slowly, to try to figure out what I can do that is doable. I have started a second twitter paper on paper li. Called “Learning Self-Love Daily.” Here is the link: http://paper.li/remedyke/1330539184.  There are tons of articles on the subject. I choose the search settings but don’t write the articles. I love this topic because so many people who are excellent at taking care of others are not as good at taking care of their own mind/body (myself included, of course)….but it’s a process. I fell off the wagon but I can get back on again. It won’t be quick. I still hold a lot of fear in my body/mind but I will figure out a workable goal in time…

I'm Pretty Good At Distracting Myself From Myself....

As many of you know I am on twitter and I retweet true crime and many sad sad things. I find that one of the things I really feel sad and angry about is sexual abuse and I don’t retweet many of the high profile cases because I can’t deal with my own past as a sexual abuse survivor. I have been tormented by my abuse for most of my life. Now I do know that I am feeling much more solid on that front since I came out as a lesbian and found Kerri who is now my bestest friend. We met on Plenty of Fish dating site 2 ½ years ago. I can now at least watch most of the talk shows that talk about sexual abuse.

Kerri and I are very different in our beliefs. I tell her that the reason that I feel happy even though I am sad a lot is because I feel spiritually that there is something more then this shallow world we live in…It’s a great escape to think of other dimensions, hehe. I have found this free on-line radio station I like called:  http://a2zen.fm/ you don’t need to be a member to listen and they talk about all sorts of things like spiritual guides, chakras and healing, astrology, ways of changing your thinking etc…There are tons of archived shows which is mostly what I listen too…I’m way to scatterbrained to find a show I like and make time for it at the right time…I sort of have to be feeling in the mood for this sort of stuff…it’s deep!

This week Cindy has told me to write down what the thoughts are connected to my feelings of guilt and fear. I feel those two emotions 24/7 but it feels scary to sit down and pick out the root of those even though I’m pretty open at talking, expressing and showing my feelings (Cindy says I’m pretty good at distracting myself from myself and this is true as well :-P). I try to come off as strong when I am not but I hate to draw attention to myself.

For the past couple of days I have had upper back pain on my left side. Today I have even had osteoarthritis pain in my left knee and in my right. I think all these although physical are psychosomatic. Oh, and yesterday I felt like I was coming down with the flu but it never happened. It think my homeopathic remedies were the culprit but better then the real thing. In fact it seems most those I am following in Ottawa on twitter seemed to be sick yesterday. I hope they are ok now…Things physical for me usually are psychosomatic in some way…

I have had this problem on and off for much of my adult life where I pull out my hair. The shrinks call it Trichotillomania which can be a form of OCD if it gets in the way of your life but it basically when you have anxiety and that is my first name!

Last week I went on a 4 day hair pulling binge and now I have taken up Kerri’s idea of tying my hair back. It really works for me too! I still go through the motions of pulling when a hair peeks through my hair band but in the last week I have only pulled out 2 hairs and this is a record!…

 
I am so sad this Christmas that I am not sharing it with Kerri. We lived together the last 2 Christmases. I really miss her a lot but I am so grateful that we can still talk on the phone tons. She really makes me smile…

The Painful Struggle Of Addiction And Where I'm At...

Amy Winehouse died 2 days ago and I have been reading everything I can to find out why. There is not much. It is assumed to be drugs since the autopsy has not found anything. Now we will have to wait 4-6 weeks for the the toxicology reports.  I don’t know much about Amy but what I have been learning is that was a troubled addict and I can identify with her struggle as I am an addict who has been sober 6 years.  I was never into her music. I can’t relate to the celebrity part which I know is a huge part but here are some of my thoughts on addiction:

Addiction changes your brain. You are numb inside or at least these are my thoughts here from my druggy days…I didn’t get why people were so worried about me. People stopped their lives and came to help me wondering if I was going to die or when. I tried not to talk about all this after I came too, or survived that high or attempt on my life. The boundaries were not even clear. I was so impulsive. I didn’t want to think. I had thrown the coping skills I did have out the window and just focused on the now. I didn’t think of the future. I was just existing…I needed to survive. I needed to block out my depression, anxiety, flashbacks of abuse, sadness of my dads death, and memories of my operations from my hydrocephalus. It was a painful realization that the goals I had set up to do ie complete University; have a great job; house, 2 kids; husband (I was so lost I didn’t yet realize I was a lesbian nor did I want to deal with that yet) were not going to happen due to my existing mental problems coupled with a learning disability….so much in my head.  

The other day I was on twitter and a site came up of a singer, Tori Amos. I love  music but it had been awhile since I played her songs. This song 'Winter' made me think of Amy Winehouse for probably no reason idk...anyways I got hooked on this song and I didn't even know what it was talking about (I listed to the tune not so much the words - gets me in trouble sometimes, lol).

   

Looking on the web it seems to be about Tori remembering a happy event from her childhood, playing and her father’s unconditional love.  I have been imagining myself as a 4 year old and pretending to interact with ‘little me.’ This is something my team of professionals have been coaching me on. I look at 'little me' through my eyes and remember that I do not wish pain on myself as this child. I even notice I try never to swear because I’m a mom now to myself, lol…

In my interactions with my cats Speckle and now Bob I treat them as if they are perfect and I want only happiness and to love them.

Anyway, about the addiction piece I am so happy that I am here on this earth still even though its so not easy for me yet. Now I can perhaps shed light onto this deadly problem and the deep denial within the addict/alcoholics that keeps them lying and keeps them using.

There is really nothing you can do for a person who does not stay clean or get help. Sometimes you have to way the pros and cons ie. Do you really need this person in your life or are you going to start letting go of them and taking care of YOU!

Adding Structure Is Key - Uh Oh, Work Ahead In Therapy, Shhhhh!

I had my second appointment with my therapist Cindy this morning.  I always get to near panic mode before a new therapist or case-manager type person in the beginning.  I know I will be telling my life story over again in the space of an hour and it does bring out some of the pain.  I'm also worried about someone else caring about me oddly enough.  Maybe I am just so use to protecting others, hum.

So, I was running around making relaxation tea, valerian and putting lavender oil under my nostrils.  I was still panicky though.  My relaxation herbs are very mild so what can you do?  It did help to chat with Cindy about what I was feeling though and so that maybe someday I can better control my anxiety like I was able to with my therapist Anne. 

I was telling Cindy that I really want to get to the underlying issue of what is causing my fear/ panic/anxiety.  I told her that a couple of years back I did yoga nearly everyday (except for like 2) for eleven months and was still getting anxiety and depression (although less).  I don't want to get into another boot camp regiment while still have mental health issues that are severe enough to hurt me,   NOOOO I don't!

Cindy gave me homework.  I am to do 5 minutes of exercise (running in the spot or dancing to fast tunes - likely all alone in my bedroom as this is embarrassing) and 10 minutes of meditation.   She also told me to write a 3 day food plan because I need to eat on a regular basis and I have trouble figuring out what to eat even though I am hungry. 

I'm not sure about the food plan bit.  I like to eat what I want when I want but Cindy says that I need to do mechanical eating.   Mechanical eating is eating food even though you don't feel like eating.  Yuck!  That's like forcing me to go to my volunteer job or shopping even though I'm wrecked with anxiety or depression!  NOOOOOO, meh! 

I told Cindy I would start with the daily meditation and exercise.  It's a start :-D.

I think I will be out snow shovelling again at some point as it has been snowing yesterday and today again (this counts as exercise :-D).  The cats are not amused about the snow.  Well, Spock our semi-adopted cat likes it but he has been outside for who knows how long.  He just showed up one day in the summer and has never left so we take him and quarantine him to the cat room until we get him dewormed and all fixed. 

Kerri is taking Spock to the vet on the 17th.  Our other cats don't seem to mind him so much now that he comes in the house on occasion.  I hope Bobby the dog will behave himself in February if we decide to keep Spock.  Bobby the dog use to go bananas whenever he saw Spock at the window....

I'm Guessing I Have A.D.D - Heck What's One More Label? LOL.

I'm not sure why staff Katie at my volunteer job likes me to call in sick still.  I have been calling in sick for most of the past 2 1/2 months and she knows I'm on sabbatical :-P!  But I think its nice and also a good motivator to get well.  She knows what's going on for me and seems very caring about the whole thing.  She is a really caring person to everyone it seems.  Sweet....

I did try to do some self-care today which has become a rarity except for ingesting herbal stuff (but I did that too - not what you are thinking but...).  I first started just at the computer while browsing Twitter profiles and Facebook groups.  I started breathing out rapidly.  This breathing is called breath of fire.  I learned this in yoga.  It does feel good and wakes you up a bit, lol.  Then I was reading on my Yoga forum on Facebook  this one person was having anxiety and yoga was not enough so people were suggesting meditation.  So I did 10 minutes of a sitting meditation. 

After the 10 minutes were up I felt such endorphins from the concentration and constant deep breathing.  It was sweet.  I wanted to meditate all day, lol, but then I also want to do a million other things and it's good to start at mediation bit by bit, or so I heard...

I have been hearing from different people that I may have A.D.D (attention deficit disorder) so I have started telling people that I may have it.  I know in grade school ever since I was 6 I was told I had a learning disability.  They called it a visual tracking problem.  In university the learning specialist explained my problem for the first time.  She said that when I am reading I unconsciously space out and miss things.  I even do that on this blog while proof reading.  It's really embarrassing!  Thing is though I don't only space out while reading.  I do it all the time.  So I think its A.D.D.  I have joined a Facebook group for A.D.D and they are telling my story, so, ya know.

I was thinking about being retested a few years back but it's $1500 for the test and since there is some much else going on for me that could be causing this problem i.e. the lithium has made it worse, my ptsd, my general anxiety is usually quite high and I am even have had possible head injury from birth because of my hydrocephalus and the lack of treatment I got for it in the beginning.   I have been tested for head injury but this was years ago and they didn't have all the testing faculties that they now do.  So, I will have to just diagnose myself.  Okie dokie????

I was proud of myself today because I drove!!!  Well, I drove down our small dead end street that is, lol.  I got a good idea of how driving on pure snow feels like.   I have driven on pure snow before.  It's a bit slippy, yep!  I try to avoid snowy days and then usually the main roads clear up soon after a snow fall.

I am taking care of my car though.  I clear the snow off of it and let it run everyday or every other day.  It's like one of my children :-P.  I can't drive any further at the moment until my anxiety calms down because if i left our quiet dead-end street there is a country road where the cars boot along at 60 km an hour!  NOOOOO thanks :-D.  Well someday but but sloooowly....

Cats/ Games And My New OT Cannot Get Here Fast Enough, LOL...

So again I was supposed to go out and meet Kerri's friends for another of their children's birthday parties.  Again, I had a panic attack and have been holding my breath all day, feels like. 

Kerri has been very understanding about this.  I showed her my trembling hands and she knows I was taking my valerian, lavender oil and relaxation tea.  I also ate a banana for the tryptophan but I have heard that there is so little tryptophan in banana's (and milk - I can't eat pasteurized milk though because of my blood type diet) that you can't really relax on it.  Dr. Oz agrees with what I've heard about the tryptophan. 

I hope Kerri's friends get that I want to know them more and not hide.  I stay home alone feeling sad and lonely at times.  I also feel safer so there is the draw.  I am less likely to have a panic attack, or so I feel.

One piece of good news is that the Occupational Therapist that will come to my house to help with my agoraphobia will be able to see me (although she doesn't know I live in the boonies)!!!  Her name is Charrie and she will possibly be seeing me once before Christmas too. Yay! 

Charrie will only be able to see me every other week that I know of.  My case-manager Jenn says it would have been most ideal if I would see her every week.  Two weeks is a long stretch before visits and there is more chance of slipping back into hibernation/fear mode.  Still, I am hoping that I do get better and out driving and getting my independence back soon!

Jenn guesstimates it may take up to 6 months for me to get my confidence back and not slip back again.  Charrie will take me out and teach me ways to keeping down my anxiety so that I learn how not to panic.  Now, I do have skills in this but I really need a coach to get me back into the habit of learning to relax myself.

So, for tonight, I may as well stay home and try to figure out if there is a way to win this game: 

http://www.members.shaw.ca/gf3/circle-the-cat.html

Kerri passed this game along to me.  She couldn't stop the cat from jumping off the page.   I know of 2 people who have solved the game.  One person figured it out after 6 tries and the other 5.  So far I have tried 5 times.  They don't offer a leash so I guess a cat will do what it wants to do for me, lol.

And, here is another picture of my own funny cat Speckle and her box/ house.   Notice how she is in the house when she plays.  Speckle will run through the back down of this box when I take out the string.  Then she will bat the string from inside. 

I think it's a sort of stalking thing where if she hides, the string/ prey will be less likely to run away and she gets more chance of attacking it.  I don't know, lol...Speckle runs to hide whenever I take out string.  In other cats I haven't noticed this behaviour but they are all unique :-D.

Snowville....

Today I still feel hyper/ tense/ jitter/ mad and at times severely fatigued.  I am pretty sure it's more then my bipolar and anxiety. 

Homeopathy brings stuff out usually 12-14 days after I start a new remedy I feel awful in some way or another.  Sometimes I am living hell for people to be around.  I guess you could say it's like a second pms :-O.  Since I'm being detoxed of celexa (an anti-depressant) and haldol (an anti-psychotic) I am feeling manicky at times and when I am angry I am saying things I later regret.  I find it hard when stuff is coming out like this to be around people. 

I also tend to take on everyone else's stress and when I have stuff coming out for me I feel angry that I have to deal with everyone else and me all in one.  I guess this sounds selfish and I really need to get back into doing work on me for me like yoga and bubble baths (I know I say that but...).  Today I did a bit of the butterfly hug (with arms crossed and tapping the left and right hand simultaneously on my shoulders), drank relaxation tea, had valerian, and also lavender.  All that calmed me enough to make some granola, yum!


Hope, Kerri and I have been busy shovelling snow.  Here is the end result. 

Yesterday, on 3 hours sleep I was out shovelling for over an hour. 

Today at the crack of dawn Kerri and Hope had to shovel out the snowbank from the road cleaning vehicle for Kerri's bus so that she could do her 7:20 am run.  I would have helped although I told Kerri I took my zyprexa prn too late and only crawled out of bed at 7:40am. 

I did manage to shovel Kerri's car out which was barricaded in by a snowbank over at the neighbours.  Then I found out we have to shovel out a whole cars length and then some so that our country mailman can stay in his vehicle when he's dropping off (and picking up our mail to be sent) our mail.  Kerri helped me clear for the mailman's vehicle...

So, all in all we shovelled out the equivalent of 5 car spaces worth as we have a 3 car drive-way.  This is our winter folks, lol.

So, if you think it's baaaad that we have gotten soo much snow all at once, this second shot was taken in March of 2008. The snow is supposed to be melting by March! So, we ain't seen nothing yet (perhaps).

This last picture shows Taters asleep in his cat house. None of the other cats use this house but Taters loves and has used it since kitten hood. Sometimes he will even sleep on the roof of the house, lol...awww, cutie!

Wanting So Much To Get Back To Loving ME!

So, today's been exhausting! 

I have so far spent most of the first part of today crying and totally burnt-out/exhausted.  But now for the past hour I've been jumping out of my skin anxious/ agitated and feel like skipping rope for a few hours to tire myself out again! 

I'm so missing what my calming remedy was doing for me.  I am sooo not calm anymore.  My sleeping is awful again.  My depression is possibly worse.  I'm even sure it's worse because it has been bad for over 2 months (except for one day when I was in a hypomania and raked 6 1/2 bags of weeds!).

I think in the last week it's been hitting me that Christmas is coming.  Although I like Christmas day and going to parties (if I'm not too full of anxiety), I fear the actual dealing with card making and Christmas shopping even if I know what I will get/ buy and say.  Everyone around me is so easy to please gift-wise for this I am so grateful.  But still I am nervous like you wouldn't believe. 

I had a phone check-in with my case-manager Jenn today and this time I was actaully able to say how I really felt.  Jenn assures me that she will get me an occupational therapist to help me not only with my shopping phobia but also that agoraphobia of just leaving the house.  Jenn explained that the OT will first come to the house and teach me relaxation exercises for a couple of sessions before we venture out anywhere.  This makes more sense to me. 

I do feel better about things knowing that I going to get help but I forgot to ask Jenn when this is going to take place...I keep telling myself (actually sort of less and less) that maybe tomorrow I will be OK again and jump in my car or tell Kerri I'm ready to drive somewhere with her support...

Things between Kerri and I are going well.  We are talking to each other about why we do things and act in certain ways. I am saying that my insecurity is getting very bad in wanting closeness and if I don't get it I feel like Kerri doesn't love me anymore.  I realize that I need to re-learn to love myself and perhaps practice saying affirmations or doing the butterfly hug or something just for me and self nurturing.  Otherwise I get left feeling so empty inside.  Kerri never stops loving me but she likes to have some space now and again.  I use to want my space but now I want be around Kerri 24/7 and this is waaaay unhealthy!

Some Days Are Hard - Finding A New Strategy Might Work :-).

I feel like I'm crashing.  Today was very hard.  It doesn't seem to be getting any easier.  I feel like I really need a break.  I do want to blog and I had blogged honestly for the past half hour and then pressed delete post instead of publish.  So, here I am again exhausted.  I am sooo wanting something to feel good about but not able to find anything at the moment and feeling lost and dumb. 

Kerri took me out shopping today.  This was a very hard time for both of us.  I could hardly breathe. You know that smothered feeling.  It kinda freaks me out!  It's been 3 hours since we got home and I am still holding my breath most of the time aka feeling smothered.  When I do this my anxiety gets worse and worse.  It's come to the point where I know that I will not be able to go out with Kerri and her friends for dinner to celebrate one of Kerri's friend's kids birthday's.  I am just so tired and just want to be alone where I can fight back the tears of frustration.

I am also frustrated that I am noticing that some people around me are miss-reading situations that are not in my control at this time.  I try to explain how hard it is for me and what is really going on in my head but I feel that I am not being heard.  It's as if I was still my rage-aholic former self and people sure misunderstood me then.  I thought trying to explain things without raising my voice that things would be better but they are no better as far as I can tell.  I just hold on to waaay to much and hurt like crazy...

I think tonight I just need me time.  I haven't had that yet today.  When I am stressed out this hardly counts as me time, does it?

Okay so goals for this evening while I am alone:

1.  call the crisis line.  This can help if I am able to get through all the busy signals, grrr.
2.  deep breathe
3.  listen to songs that help bring out my feelings
4.  pray to my higher power for strength
5.  eat something substantial
6. find something to laugh about...I sent this video to Kerri:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDgAdXTcs00 

She didn't seem to get the humour behind it but I did :-).  As I said before it is loud in this house.  I try not to intervene during the day or at night.  Kerri and Hope are heavy sleepers and so no one keeps them awake!  When I lived with my folks, my mom was a light sleeper like me and so I got into the habit of being quiet and turning the tv down etc at night or during nap times etc.  Here the sound carries it being a split level house.  It's a nice size though (for daytime, hehe).

I do sleep much better using the remedy my homeopath Terrance gave me to calm me.  Hopefully I will still feel OK as I continue to wean off and stop it altogether...this is scary though i.e. will I still be OK; calm, and feel the detachment that this remedy brings me?

Anywhoo, this is me today and hopefully tomorrow will be a more relaxing day!  Ciao :-).

Revenge Of The Miracle Remedy...Perhaps?

So I woke up angry today when I realized that I forgot to hand in my insurance papers for this months meds to get free coverage. I took my calming remedy, Valerian, lavender oil and relaxation tea. I was still raging mad.

Kerri had driven me to the superstore last evening so I could have handed them in to my pharmacist but I forgot. I am good at writing notes to myself and had done so. I taped the note to my fanny pack but it had fallen off.

I get so frustrated that I continuously have to depend on Kerri to do everything that requires leaving the house. I was perhaps feeling intense fear that of course I would never get the papers in by the time I need my meds delivered again in a week and a half. I can't give the papers to the delivery guy. So, I got mad and lost my temper like it was Kerri's fault or something and she didn't even see this coming....

Fortunately I was able to apologize soon after and Kerri was accepting enough to be sweet to me and we cuddled. I told her maybe I should lay off the homeopathic remedy for a couple of days because I took it this am and it had the opposite affect on me then what it was suppose too.

This is the first time in the month and a half I have been taking it that the remedy has not helped me! Usually by the 40 minute mark after I ingest this remedy, I am able to calmly say what is upsetting me...My homeopath, Terrance, warned me this may happen and advised me that if it does the opposite of what it's suppose to, I am to stop the remedy for 2 days or so and then resume...Um...I hope I can do this as I rely on this remedy as a sleeping pill but I will try :-).

I also feel that my agoraphobia is a nuisance. I don't know how to just get out and do stuff anymore...Kerri said she would take me out driving so that I might get back into the swing of things. I told her this is what I want but my anxiety and depression is really severe still. I know that the lithium I take creates confusion and spaciness inside my head which is something I think is unsafe for driving if I am having other issues...

I so still want to live with Kerri. I love her so much it makes me want to cry. I know I can heal but I don't know when I will get better. I need to work on self-care though. I do nothing. I cuddle with Kerri. I sit in front of the electric heater Kerri has provided for me. I don't do much else though although I do follow positive role models on twitter and I find this amusing, lol.

The Paradoxical Detox

I am in a really baaaad depression. Crying and staying in bed has become my norm for the past couple of days. Insomnia is baaaad too.

I just wrote about 5 pages in my diary. I rarely use my diary. I just needed an outlook that I didn't necessarily want to share with anyone.

I think I'm coming out of the deep depression slowly though because here I am blogging again. I have to say those past couple of days I wasn't blogging, my head and heart seemed to go dead. I snapped internally. I went inside myself losing interest most things including food. Had no energy to sit up like this and write. I have a desk-top computer so I literally have to sit up! I didn't want to feel because I was in such deep pain.

Perhaps this pain stems from the latest detox that my homeopath, Terrance, gave me do take for the last 3 evenings (starting the night before I crashed). Terrance was detoxing me off a very emotional event during a mania 6 years ago. I'm not even sure if this is why I crashed because all the pain that came out was the opposite of what I felt at the time. But this has happened in detoxes before.

For so many hours I laid thinking 'Why am I doing this?' Why don't I quit the blood type diet, at least. I'm not feeling any better...I know I'm stubborn but....

There was an event that led me to the ultimate crash, but I don't really feel like going into that. It's just that so many things have been stressing me lately. Five pages worth!

I'm also really getting fed up that I am not able to get out and food shop for myself. I'm not driving like this though. Kerri got me a few things but she is getting tired of helping me all the time when I am too sick to come with her.

I guess I've been done fighting for awhile now. Ever since the calming remedy I have let my anger go inside myself and Kerri even said I was doing much better. Shockingly better, lol. I'm not saying I don't still say the odd snide remark or get angry. It's just that I don't bother fighting so hard anymore to make every thing my way. In the end I feel a lot of sadness because I do want some control over my life but it seems that I'm not at a place yet where I am able to honestly take care of me. This makes me sad and so I feel pain. I feel sooo much sorrow.

Having others take care of me is the last thing I wanted and yet it's the only thing I have ever known in my life....

Maybe I Should Care....

Today I have been feeling drugged up and drowsy. This happened even without taking my second dose of calming remedy during the day but I feel it's still the remedy at work.

I had a phone session with my therapist Haley this afternoon. Haley says I am just covering up for the pain I feel inside by accepting this feeling of numbness. Haley says I should be worrying that there is something 'wrong' with me. She says I should at least care because I use to care about things and this is not me!

So, upon pondering about what Haley has been telling me, I do feel that I am having a hard time living with Kerri and her daughter. I have social anxiety and I hide in my room a lot. I do try to come out but my anxiety rises and I feel awkward and uncomfortable. I have pretty much given up my yoga and other forms of self care that I use to thrive on.

I don't know how to act around Kerri's daughter Hope so I don't say much. I feel like I am inferring when I am home with Kerri and Hope. I feel like maybe I just get in the way sometimes. I certainly am of no use to Hope being unable to drive her places. We all eat different diets, Kerri, Hope and I so I don't cook for Hope and rarely for Kerri...

I could have called my homeopath, Terrance, for an appointment before our monthly appointment this Thursday. But I welcome this tired, drugged up feeling because it's true I don't know how else to cope with stress at this time.

So maybe on Thursday I will get another remedy, maybe not quite as strong, that will help me and perk me back into reality. I do want to get out and get back to my volunteer jobs and do my own food shopping. I want also to be calm and mellow though. Are both possible?

I Can Empathize With The Character's On 'Mystery Diagnosis'

Have you ever seen the TV show Mystery Diagnosis?

I can really empathize with the real life characters on this show. These characters have spend years going from doctor to doctor and from treatment to treatment looking for an answer as to why they are sick. In the end they get a diagnosis but only after getting told by multiple doctors that there is nothing wrong with them when there obviously is something very wrong!

This show brings me back to my own situation and the memories of how I was turned away so many times from doctors when I was legitimately ill. I would be having issues with my hydrocephalus or my bipolar and no doctor saw anything wrong. Sometimes there was no test that would show anything so the doctors would blame my symptoms on my BPD or stress when that was not always the case...

I can't tell you how many times people have told me over the years 'it's all in your head'. A lot of good that all did me!!!! I did learn positive affirmations, yoga, breathing exercises, safe touch etc but in the end I never really got to the underlying issue as I have been continuing to get sicker and sicker.

Today I take good care of myself but am still crippled by anxiety and depression. I have learned to just deal with the feelings that come up and not punish myself for how I'm feeling. I do some soothing work but mostly just rest and distract....wait. I'm waiting to able to get my life kick-started into gear...I'm waiting for the numbness to wear off (but happy I can now control the anger with my homepath's medicine) and for confidence and excitement to come creeping back for for things that require me to leave the house.

I wonder why have I just been sitting at home for the past month. I'm not fighting. I just wonder sometimes if I will have the answers or the 'cure' to get my life back together like the real life characters in Mystery Diagnosis. For these people on the show they had to go through soooo much pain and frustration. Watching this show helps me to not feel so alone anymore as I sit on the sofa and watch more television and watch my life go by....

Today, I Shall Rest To Reclaim My Sanity And Hope For A Better Tomorrow....

Today I have decided that I need a time-out! I do have stuff I was suppose to do but I am unable to do anything do to my bipolar and self-esteem issues.

I am sooo sick of feeling that I am worthless; childlike and not good enough.

For the last 2 weeks and two days (ending yesterday), I had been feeling great so I went out and did things. Life didn't change. There was stuff upsetting me that whole time but I was sooo strong and able to let everything roll off my shoulders. I was not effected by negativity much at all.

Today I am just taking back what is mine - a certain level of control which I feel has been taken away from me.

I am resting. When have I had time to rest lately? I try so hard to do everything be everything to everyone. I don't always say the things I should or act the way I should but I am trying my best. If that's not enough (which it may well be not enough) it makes me very sad and now I feel the tears well up in my eyes because I have waaay to many feelings. I care sooo much it gets in the way of everything I do and say....How to stop the intensity of it all? How do I detach when I feel so trapped?

Hmmm....I will think about that today as I rest. I do have an appointment with my therapist in a couple of hours. I have told her I will do a phone appointment because I am in no shape to drive in to see her....Hopefully she can coach me to be a better person if need be or to accept the person that I am flaws and all...I am getting back to saying affirmations. I forget them sometimes...and I have been forgetting about Little Lisa for a bit...she is 5 and I'm suppose to bring her around with me and nurture her because she is in need of nurturing too!

We Think Therefore We Are....

I feel that my mental illness is bigger and stronger then I am. It's obvious, isn't it? I call in sick a lot. I'm physically able to come in but I am mentally overcome by anxiety, fatigue or depression.

Feeling depressed today, I told my therapist Haley, that I feel discouraged because I can't be who I want to be. I told her that I feel swallowed up by my illness. I was hoping she would pity and fix me so that I could leave and go get a job or something. Haley just looked at me and said 'I don't like it when you talk about yourself in that way.' She then had me write down the affirmation Everyday and everyway I am getting better and better. I am much bigger then my mental health issues.

As I was driving home I was thinking about not saying the affirmation. Why should I say something that is a lie? Then I remembered back to how, I am convinced, saying loving affirmations repeatedly have stopped me from cutting myself. I don't even think of cutting myself at all anymore. It's been a year since I cut.

When I am upset I need to remember to do loving and soothing things for myself. Not only that but also I need to remember that what I tell myself becomes my reality. Bad stuff happens to everybody but we have to think positively in order to gain strength! Life is hard but so is all that toxic negativity we feed ourselves...

I am looking forward to tonight. Kerri and I are going out to see our friends April and Brittany. They are also in a same sex relationship. It feels good to be able to go out some. Because I have been a virtual slave to my mental illness Kerri and I have been staying home a lot. We use to make plans but then I would sometimes end up cancelling due to anxiety mostly. Today I can appreciate that I am well. I appreciate being me and have a great time tonight!

Henna Me Red!!

It's raining out and the annual picnic for the organization for people with disabilities that Kerri(y)'s and I were suppose to go to is NOT cancelled! It's been raining since 4am though so we are not going. It rained on the picnic date last year too and they did cancel it, but whatever! It's suppose to rain all day with 18 C for the high. I don't know if many people will agree to that!

Kerri and I were suppose to go out regardless and meet up with Kerry but I was in tears this am telling Kerri I needed a day of rest; cuddling; yoga and massage. Stuff to take down my severe anxiety. I did write a letter to myself as a five year old this morning. I guess I feel I should nurture myself more and not go-go-go as is my pattern. Why? This pattern is not good for me until I can get a handle of my anxiety. I hope I can get healed from my anxiety sooner then later. I end up cancelling so many things and this is a disappointment to me. I don't feel I have any choice in the matter at this point.

As a student in high school and first year University, I never missed school due to anxiety or depression. I had the drive to succeed! I wanted a great job; possibly a family with kids; a nice house (Kerri and I have a great rental home though) and lots of moola! Unfortunately I was burnt out at 20! I am so tired of this fight and push. I need to figure out how to live with myself and be happy - not grumpy. I need to be relaxed and not tense and fearful. I do hang on to hope though. I am sooo happy Kerri will be in it for the long haul for me. I do love her sooo much! I will be healed! I know I will!

Yesterday Kerri dyed my hair with Henna (it's all natural, of course). Here is a pic! I was hoping it was a going to be a bit brighter but it's kinda cool. It's not permanent or anything. I also had my hair cut yesterday at First Choice Hair cutters. They have the most reasonable rates I can find for females. No appointment needed and I usually don't have to wait. I had a wash and cut for $22 which included a $3 tip. I know people joke about this place but whatever, they do a good job on my hair if it's washed first. All in all it was a pretty productive day!

My 'Daughter' Does Not Climb Rooftops!!!

Today I have been trying to resurrect myself...I have been so burnt out lately I have resorted to staying on the property I share with Kerri and her daughter Hope for almost a week and yes I did have stuff I was suppose to do! Kerri was helping me with shopping though and I was working in the garden doing some power-weeding as there is/ was a jungle of weeks everywhere!!!


My morning started out with Kerri madly running into my bedroom saying 'Your cat is crazy! You won't believe what she was doing!!!'

I hadn't a clue, but she showed me the pics...I had seen other cats on rooftops but thought that my 'daughter' would never do a thing like that!!!!



Here on the left is how she got onto the roof. She took that barely visible branch that led her right to the second story of our split-level home.

Tate was evening trying to follow Speckle up the tree, oooops! Today is only his third day as an outdoor cat. He is nine months old!

Well today I have challenged myself to get back into driving take the 25 minute drive with Kerri to go shopping and grab some more stuff. I will probably get gas too although this scears me too since you have to do it yourself!

I really need to get into more regular self care. Today I had a coconut bubble bath and did yoga via DVD. It's a start...

Soothing Work....

I feel much better today. I have to blame my recent irritability and extreme anxiety on the new remedies that I was given last week from my Homeopath, Terrance. They seem to bring stuff out!!! They are suppose to though but it's hard during that detox period. I have been bitchy towards Kerri but she is so loving and understanding. I love her! I want to make it up to her by getting well soon!

I am regimented in ways i.e. wanting things a certain way. That's the OCD in me. I am working hard to be more flexible and relaxed but I also know that no matter what type of treatment I involve myself in, I will always have a bit of neurosis in me (me thinks). Kerri is the laid back partner in our relationship though and this helps me to calm down. I see that same dynamic in other relationships too and I even had the audacity of saying to Terrance 'You are so laid back, I bet your wife (also a homeopath) is the wiry one.' He said 'That is correct.' He said it just like that too straight face and serious as he was preparing my newest remedies. I am not afraid to ask questions, lol.

Something my therapist Haley taught me yesterday was an inner child exercise. For the next week or long, how ever long it takes I am to visualize myself as a five year old and hold her hand and let her follow me around. I am to comfort her and nurture her. I am to do this as long as it takes until that little girl inside me stops throwing temper tantrums...I am told this might take up to 6 weeks.

I do believe in the concept of inner child work. I use to be a cutter. I was in DBT for 2 1/2 years and I was still cutting at the end of it. Less so but still associating pain with self punishment. Then my next therapist, Ann, taught me how to love myself though self touch and loving affirmations. I remember saying affirmations such as I am better and better able to be kind and gentle towards myself and I can let myself feel comfort and calm. I have to say that after about 6 months of saying the affirmations usually when I was out and about; volunteering, or on the bus, I got extremely upset one day at home. I was all ready to cut my wrist but with those calming words programmed into my head I stopped myself. I thought how illogical it is to want to hurt myself when I am already hurting. If I am hurting I need to continue to soothe myself....and I don't think I've cut sense. I think that was about 2 years ago...

Bury Me In The Sand (And Take A Picture)!

I'm off with Kerri to Fitzroy Harbour Beach today. We will be meeting up with my mental health drop-in for a fun day, me hopes. It's suppose to rain though, ick! I hope there will be some sun though as the temperature is suppose to be 32 C with the humidex, so a nice day temperature wise. I don't know what if anything I will be able to do at the beach though. In the past I would have played Frisbee; that 'scoops' game; badminton or gone swimming but with my sprained knee I may have to just watch :-(. I suggested to Kerri she can bury me in the sand and take a picture, lol...

I did end up going out yesterday but just barely. I had taken my Valerian, Lavender Oil, and some Taco Calm tea. Those are all very mild things for relaxation so I had to take all 3 as I really did want to go out and especially make sure I sent a message to the staff at my volunteer job that I could make something of a commitment since I've told them I am attempting to start a work program and I am hoping they will be a reference for me. I got the papers from the Disability work program yesterday and filled them out. Those will be sent off today. The next step will be to attend an info session and I'm allowed to bring my case-manager Jenn so I will likely do that. Jenn says will a bit of notice that will be fine. I'm sure my nerves will be bad for that and for anything leading up to working. I haven't worked in 7 years!!!!

Awake In The Night...

I'm awake!!!

Sleep is often an ordeal. I don't usually get as much as I need. I tend to fall asleep easily at my self appointed bedtime (usually 11pm) but then I wake up around 3am or 5am and like last night I had difficulty falling back to sleep. I think I was awake in the night 2 hours before I tried some lavender oil. I put some on my finger and sniffed it and it calmed me enough because I went to sleep almost instantly. Awww well, maybe some day I can be like the rest of the household and sleep in if I need to. Really I love the mornings...but you know...

Tonight I am going to see my second cousin Andrew (the drummer) play at the Canteen in Ottawa here. I have never been there but I think it's like a small Art cafe or something. It only fits 50 people so hopefully seats won't be an issue...I have heard the music to his band The Wooden Sky and I love it! Here is the link to their myspace page...

http://www.myspace.com/thewoodensky

Andrew is the guy on the far left...I haven't seen him in 2 years as he lives in Toronto and I'm not sure if he knows I am going...It will be fun, hehe...I'm going with the 2 Kerri(y)'s. Kerri my girlfriend and Kerry my volunteer advocate. My parents may go as well...

It's going to be a busy day for me with volunteering; going to exercises class (not much I can do with my knee issues though); shopping (produce, stamps, bus, tickets, vitamins); seeing my therapist, and seeing the band. I'm not use to all this excitement, lol, but I think I can handle it since I did fall back to sleep last night :-).