When Numbness Isn't A Choice

I was chatting with my mental health worker Jenn yesterday about how I feel numb all the time and that this had been going on as long as I can remember. Jenn said it is normal because I have had trauma starting at birth. So this numbness is not really a choice. It's like being on a really scary roller-coaster where your hands are so tight on the bar you can't unclench them without it hurting. The last thing you want is to hurt. I can function. This numbness helps me feel safe. But it’s also frustrating because sometimes I want to ‘wake-up’ and I feel I need to hide out of fear of panic attacks and anxiety I guess.

‘Hiding’ for me has been quite common these last couple of years. As I think back to what I did to get so agoraphobic for instance, I think of how a few years back I was doing yoga daily and practicing stills to self soothe on a regular basis. It was pretty ritualized and obsessive-like unfortunately. My goal was to cure myself of mental illness, to be ‘normal’ and go far in life. This plan hasn’t panned out, yet.

I ended up stopping all the ritualized self-care rather abruptly because I started having panic attacks during my at home yoga DVD sessions. I was even having attacks during bubble baths. As I think back I wonder if maybe I ‘should’ have pushed through and embraced this shift as stuff coming out the way it was supposed to. Maybe this would have been a way of empowering me and helping my self-confidence eventually. Or maybe I needed to stop and go inside myself a bit.

I have been having vivid dreams in the last few weeks. These dreams are of having grand mal seizures over and over again or having committed a violent act and having the cops after me. I have woken up after dreams of hearing screaming then fearing I am going to end up in the loony bin! It’s been eight years since I’ve been in-patient and I really want to keep it that way!  When I told Jenn about the dreams she told me it was the Bowen therapy, the body work I have been doing. That’s what I had been thinking.

I have missed the last two weeks of Bowen because two weeks ago my Bowen Practitioner Casey had the flu and then I had a really bad cold this week…But we will get back on track. I am also wondering if my 3 colds since February are Bowen’s doing since I had successfully outwitted (very proud too grinning from ear to ear) my mom’s flu and cold and my step-dad’s two colds between November and January. Yet when starting Bowen I have been sick most of the time since. Maybe I jinxed myself through my overconfidence, LOL…we all need to be humbled sometimes, no?

It was at this time and with my Homeopath Terrance that things were shifting inside of my mind. I had lost the rage I had carried with me all of my life. Unfortunately now I didn’t feel like doing anything except watching television and staying around the house.  Terrance seemed to think this was just a normal state of the process that would pass but here I am 2 ½ years later and I’m still sitting at home, nesting. The cats love it though…

I’ll start again, slowly, to try to figure out what I can do that is doable. I have started a second twitter paper on paper li. Called “Learning Self-Love Daily.” Here is the link: http://paper.li/remedyke/1330539184.  There are tons of articles on the subject. I choose the search settings but don’t write the articles. I love this topic because so many people who are excellent at taking care of others are not as good at taking care of their own mind/body (myself included, of course)….but it’s a process. I fell off the wagon but I can get back on again. It won’t be quick. I still hold a lot of fear in my body/mind but I will figure out a workable goal in time…

If All Else Fails, There Is Television, Right?

My cat Speckle is a real ‘nut!’

Last night I was ‘making’ cat food in the basement apartment I live in at my folks place. Upstairs Bob and Speckle must have been playing but then I hear a crash! I didn’t hear anything after so I continued what I was doing. My folks were in bed already but apparently they didn’t hear a thing because the cats were in a back room. When I went upstairs, finally, I saw an overturned ceramic plate that had been pushed off the table by Speckle (Bob is old and doesn’t climb up on tables anymore as far as I know). Nothing broke miraculously. It was a plate of fruit cake which was still covered over by a plastic bag...I don’t know about Speckle sometimes. She’s a true nut! She’s a 6 ½ year old Tortie and still very kitten like…is this a Tortie thing or something?

As for me, I can say I’ve been depressed more then I’ve been happy in the last nine months since moving out of Kerri’s place. Kerri and I are still best friends. We do talk on the phone a lot but she is in BC and I am here in Ottawa. Its not the same as seeing her all the time and we do have a really close connection because we were girlfriends for 9 months a few years back before becoming best friends...

I have tened to watch a lot of TV in the last 2 1/2 years since I’ve succumbed to agoraphobia. TV seems my answer to everything. It is a pretty good security blanket which I can control and almost create my world and moods.

 On the worst of days when my anxiety gets to the max I wonder why I have to live like ‘this.’ As a spiritual person I wonder what is after this life. That is when you find out 'why' and everything is supposed to make sense. I try my best to be kind because I want kindness shown to me in return and maybe that’s what the ‘boss’ on the other side wants of me…the only thing I forget, quite often is to let stuff go once in awhile. Isn’t that why I’m so tense? I’m holding onto everything that ever happened to me? When people say ‘let it go,’ I don’t get it. It’s like telling an anorexic (and I still have that tendency) to eat. It’s Greek! I don't speak that language. I don't get it!

Even before I could write I remember verbally dictating to my father my dreams. Dad would write them down for me. I still continue to do this. And I still have all my dream books too, lol. Now I discuss my dreams with my therapist Cindy and use the dream dictionary on-line

http://dreemmoods.com/ as a reference. I pay attention to the feelings that come up and when subjects repeat.

I have recently started Bowen Therapy (The Bowen Technique). This is a body work healing therapy. Most of the literature/on-line videos of Bowen are for physical ailments for people or animals but Bowen Practitioners have clients like me for mental healing as well. Its all about pressure points on the body. I have had only 2 sessions. I will have ‘at least’ 8 and can have as needed sessions after that. I want to try to work heal from my anxiety and depression if that’s at all possible…Actually, it must be, right? I just have to keep at it and if all else fails, there is Television….

We All Have Vulnerabilities And It's OK :-)

For the past few days now I’ve been thinking of getting my a$$ of this house and going on the bus.  I have bought a bus pass (they are cheap in Ottawa if you are on Disability) and have been thinking of different scenarios:

·         I could pick up stuff I want at stores out of my comfort zone.

·         When I am suppose to meet someone I could plan to go out and take the bus to

              meet them somewhere. 

Then I think to myself, I do have my training pass given to me by my mental health worker Jenn NOW (a free pass for people who need encouragement to get back on the bus). Jenn gave this to me because I have agoraphobia/panic but It hasn’t helped motivated me. But I do want to get out so why don’t I go out today?  

I can’t deal with leaving the house, yet. So I’m wondering if I’m really going to get out. I was thinking 3 days a week on the bus?

And, I also want to go to my mental health drop-in. I read January’s schedule and there is a Trauma group on Tuesday so I am planning on calling them on Monday to see if it’s a drop-in. Actually this quite excites me although my mind is flipping back and forth on it…

I know I will likely be panicky on my few or dozen or million trips but the idea is to keep at it right? And, for me to try not to get bored or to frustrated. It should be fun, right?

I’m kind of afraid of ‘growing up’. It doesn’t feel very safe to be an adult. There are too many responsibilities and, there is more of a chance that I might get hurt. If I do I am so fragile I will hide in my mental illness cave, again because I’ve tried to work, volunteer and go to post-secondary school in the past!

It’s hard to be so sensitive. I was just chatting with a twitter friend who was given some misinformation by her mother in-law. The mother in-law seemed to think she was right but a few of us fellow tweeps chimed to to tell her her that we didn’t think mother in law was right at all.

I felt my friend doubted herself while all the while she knew the answers.  This it helped me feel that we all have vulnerabilities. I guess that’s a part of life and its ok. I mean I knew this but I am never sure…It is so hard to be strong when we see people as authority and who must be right. My therapist tells me the same i.e.  I need to try to be stronger in myself and believe in myself.

Another reason I am fearful to go outside of my comfort zone is that I have had to let past friends go in my life. One of my ex friends was so angry she said in a rage ‘I better not see you on the street.’ I took that to mean she is going to punch me out or something. She has anger issues and that’s exactly why I decided to let her go!

And there is another ex friend  that sent me a Christmas e-mail this year. I don’t know what to say to that.

It is hard. I really want to find people in my life who share some of the values I have come to develop and those who I feel I can talk too.

My problem is that I feel so guilty if I upset anyone in anyway. This came up in my homework with my therapist Cindy today. While working on this homework (which was to identify my thoughts associated with the feelings of fear and guilt), I fully expected my feelings of fear to outweig the guilt. Quite the opposite! It seems I carry this tremendous guilt.. Cindy informed me that I’m taking on others guilt as well and this is true. This pattern goes back very far for me…

Maybe this is good i.e. writing about it all…maybe I should blog more often, lol…Have a great rest of day readers. I think the cats want their treats....!  

When Family Doctors Fail...

My family doctors have done nothing to help me deal with my anxiety.

 I used to be able to volunteer for 15 hours a week and I loved it! I use to be able to take the bus, shop for food and even drive. Now I lie on the sofa and usually tune into HLN where I can watch high profile criminal trials in the US and hear the same evidence and lies over and over again and then rehash it all again in the evening while I think of what I want to eat because its hard for me to eat when I am anxious…

I haven’t had a psychiatrist in 6 years. My labels are bipolar, social anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, PTSD and panic disorder. I go to the doctor to see residents doctors who change every 2 years (my doctor has hour long waits) and they won’t actually assign me to a specific resident unless I ask…

Today I had a phone session with my mental health social worker Jenn. I have been feeling so frustrated because one of the Occupational Therapist’s had said she thought I was just using her because I was not able to function on my own after she worked with me for 3 months. Jenn assures me the OT had never dealt with someone with agoraphobia and panic disorder before. The OT would come once every 2 or 3 weeks for 3 months but even I could tell her I didn’t feel any better. Jenn says I really need someone to come get me out every day or something.

I’m just so sick of feeling that people are thinking that since everything is ‘in my head’ I can just snap my fingers and get out and be whoever I want to be just like that.  I told Jenn that I have been telling my resident doctors and my actual doctor who sees me periodically that I have anxiety. I figured I must not be speaking clearly because they don’t offer me help for it. Jenn comes with me to my doctor appointments and told me that I do speak clearly but they do not offer to help me…

The residents see me come in with conversion disorders, and stress headaches that last a month. They send me for a CAT scan to make sure it’s not because of my hydrocephalus but nothing shows up so they expect to see me back when my meds run out in 6 months.

It’s not like I did not fight to have a life with these panic attacks. For a year I continued to show up at my volunteer jobs. The staff would tell me to go lie down and rest for a bit if I was having a panic attack. They would let me deal with the attacks on my own because I told them it would go away on its own. I preferred to be alone for the most part.

On the way to my volunteer job I started to have panic attacks on the bus and then in the Rideau Centre walking to get my connection. Then the panic attack would pass and I would put in my hours volunteering like nothing had happened. Then I started having panic attacks at the bus stop or waking up in the morning…how could I fight back?

Clients would ask me ‘are you a student’ ‘do you work?’ To them I was just a human and I didn’t look like someone with a mental illness.  Sometimes I would tell them that I was not able to work because of my mental issues and do you know what? I have gotten so much respect from people for just being honest!

But doctors, answer me this, with all my problems why do I not have a psychiatrist who does psychotherapy? Gratefully after 6 years of this progression of anxiety my worker has given my family doctor’s consultant shrink a referral form (like a month ago) to help me get a doctor at our local Mental Hospital who specializes in anxiety to work with me…the waiting list is about 6 months and Jenn has offered to drive me.

I really hope I get help but when I feel really scared or depressed sometimes I really feel that there is no help for me. I hope I’m wrong. I do have so much to offer the world and I would like to help out in some way and give back…

A New Bed, My New Occupational Therapist And A New Me????

I like! 

My new bed, that is.  It's somewhere between soft and firm.  A well balanced bed then, yes :-P? 

I have taken a picture to show y'all because there is something that seems a bit weird to me.  I feel it's very high off the ground and I was thinking at first that I might need a little step ladder to get up to my bed, hehe. 

I am 5'1 peeps!  Not so tall and I not so short I suppose but ya know...

I know I took this pic without making my bed but it's hard when you have 4 cats and 3 of them like to sleep on my bed or Kerri's bed or anywhere for that matter.  I don't want to bother the cats unless absolutely necessary i.e. if they are laying on me and the phone rings and it's a waaaaay over there somewhere.  Kerri thinks I am being ridiculous letting the cats do whatever they want but whateva :-D!

Today I met my Occupational Therapist Charrie for the first time.  She gave me homework, yip.  I don't mind homework though.  I usually get stuff like that completed pretty fast.  I feel good doing homework because I feel like it is the key to my future cureness!  It doesn't really work that way though. It does help me to focus on something positive and ya know every little bit helps, right?

After Charrie left my case-manager Jenn, who was also at the meeting with Charrie, took me to Rainbow, a vegetarian health food store.  Rainbow is a vegetarian health food store in Ottawa's west end.  Jenn stayed with me in the store, as promised for this one time only. 

I even got a $10 discount because I am a member (this is free) and after you buy a certain amount of groceries price-wise they offer you that discount.  Thing is you don't know when you will get the discount because it's not on your bill.  Kerri and I wondered if they actually would give out the discount but now we know.  I've been shopping there for 5 months. 

I especially wanted and found some organic garlic to finally make humus!  So, I'm pretty much all set for the next week at least, hehe.  Jenn showed me that you can actually tell if a garlic is going bad as my last garlic had gone bad and I didn't even know it until I opened it.  Tami explained that if you touch a garlic and they are gone mushy (you really have to press in all the clovey grooves too) then they have gone bad.  This is the only way you can tell apparently but better then no way at all.  Some of the peel on the garlic looked brown but Jenn said colour doesn't matter...good to know!

You Know You Live In The Country When Your Girlfriend Comes In With Deer Antlers, lol...

You know you live in the country when your girlfriend walks out the front door and comes back in with deer antlers!

Yep,  the antlers were shed by some deer on our property.  Speckle, of course, had to give them a good sniff over.  Our other cats didn't seem bothered but you see Speckle had never seen these before because she is a city cat!  I mean, we got her at when she was 1 1/2 half, but ya know...

So, I have been feeling happy for the past couple of days.  My anxiety is still over the roof so I'm still suffering in that sense but I'm reaching out on-line and meeting others with Agoraphobia and some have worked with an Occupational Therapist to try to heal but as my case-manager Jenn says you can slip back into Agoraphobia and to being housebound.  I'm hoping my homeopathic remedies and therapy can help get to the underlying issue of what is causing my fear so that I can have more fun in life and not just fun in my house being silly...

I did manage to go out shopping today.  Kerri took me to get my own mattress and box spring as the Tate must have chewed or punctured the air mattress I have been using (and the one before it).  I will have it on the 20th of December (my brother's birthday).  Until then I will be OK.  There is still air in the mattress I am using but I may have to keep blowing it up every night, damn cat!

Kerri and I also went for food shopping and I stocked up on whatever I could.  The roads were baaaad because we were in the midst of a 5 cm snowfall but Kerri didn't seem to mind the occasional slip/ slide.  She told me it was fun.  I know if that happened to me my anxiety would be awful.  Kerri drives for a living though and has been driving daily for years. 

I learned something new today.  Red chili peppers are waaaay hotter then green ones.  I put one on my tongue all cut up an hour ago and my lips are still burning. I just put it in my mouth.  No biting.  It was wild.  I'm not sure how I'm supposed to eat them and I love hot food!

But on a serious note, I was scared out in the car even just as a passenger.  I know this is probably because I was not occupying myself.  I noticed I was breathing very shallow.  My breath seemed to go up and down my neck and not at all into my chest or tummy.  This is not good but it's the typical way I breathe outside these days or sometimes even in the house.  I just have to do what I can do to get out and shop or if need be get Kerri to shop for me.  Kerri and I were suppose to go out tonight to a Christmas party to an organization I belong to but I cancelled because of anxiety.  I guess that doesn't surprise anyone...

So I do the things I need to do and not all of the things I want.  Will my agoraphobia end soon? I just take it day by day.  What else can I do?  I am happy though these last couple of days.  Oh, and I saw a Rudolph Car.  It was a car with antlers coming up from the driver/ passenger doors and then on the front of the car was a red nose.   Nothing surprises me, lol!

Please Be Compassionate Of My Hermit Status. Don't Make Me Cry No More...

Today I woke up with tension in my back.  My hands were trembling slightly.  I sooo wanted to get rid of the fear and anxiety I felt so I took some valerian, put some lavender oil on, and then put a heating pad on my back and laid back down for 20 minutes.  All this helped a little.  I was no longer shaking.  I sat under my SAD lamp and went on on-line. 

I feel quite nervous and sometimes actually cry because numerous people around me have been telling me to get out of the house.  For me this means I have to drive.  I have explained to these same people numerous times that I use to drive everyday on our inter-city highway and even to Toronto which is five hours away.  This, all before I started taking Lithium.  Since I have been taking the drug (have been on Lithium for over 4 years and for a little while before that) I have found I feel unfocused, more confused, unable to remember words or think about what I was just about to do or say.  I have tried numerous other drugs with even worse side-effects.  Lithium was my last offer from my past psychiatrist.

Do you people really want me on the road when I have all this going on and add to it severe depression and anxiety these days?  No?  I thought so.  So please have compassion for me and trust that I am going to do all I can to get well so that I can be a safe driver (while taking Lithium).  

I do feel guiltier then you all know that I have to rely on Kerri who is already stressed.  We had planned for me not having a car and worked all this out in our minds.  But really all we wanted was to be was to be together because we love each other.  We hope love is enough to get us though this rough patch and that the anxiety will go down once I am able to care for me.  We are getting a long nicely but this situation is hard on both of us.

I have told Kerri all I need is to go food shopping once in awhile.  I can do my appointments over the phone.  In the New Year I will be working with an occupational therapist on my anxiety.  Hopefully my depression which has been tormenting me for almost 2 1/2 months will soon vacate my mind.  I am able to take antidepressants because this triggers my bipolar mania. 

I have a new therapist now who seems really awesome and I have told her I want to get at the underlying issue as to what is troubling me.  This is the only way I feel I can heal and stay healed once and for all.

Terrance, my Homeopath says his method of Heilkunst Homeopathy can get to the underlying issue as well.  Unfortunately since Heilkust Homeopathy works on a cellular level I am being healed by one cell at a time (seems like, lol) so it takes a looong time but hey, western meds never cured me of my allergies, chronic back pain and my knee problem (homeopathy has), so I am hopeful that I can get better from my inner pain.

It would be sweet if I could just let other peoples pain and judgment just roll off my shoulders.  Terrance says this is possible in time with treatment.  Sweet...

Occupational Therapists Rock - I Hope Mine Does Anyway, lol...

I'm still feeling blah but also extremely excited and hopeful. 

My case-manager Jenn called today for an unscheduled phone check-in to see how I was doing.  She wanted to make sure I was OK depression-wise given that I had just lost my therapist.  I was sooo happy she called!  I was able to tell her I had gotten a new therapist called Cindy.  This was Jenn's recommendation in an e-mail she had sent me yesterday. 

Cindy is not a new person in my life.  I met her at a drop-in support group for eating disorders a few years back.  I was actually the only one who showed up that evening so I sat down and had a one on one with Cindy then.  Cindy is soft spoken.  I got from our meeting that she is very kind and non-judgemental.  Her speciality is eating disorders (of which she is a survivor) and anxiety.

Cindy is so what I need now.  The only reason I opted not to get her before is because she has been  working in the west-end of Ottawa.  I always lived across town and had to rely on buses.  Now that I am in the west-end also, this is sooo perfect!  Cindy was also the person that the co-owner of the eating disorder support program recommended to me when I asked 4 1/2 years ago...

Something else totally awesome about today is that Jenn explained to me exactly what the occupational therapist she is referring me to will do for me.  The OT will come to my house and we will chat for a couple of sessions about my anxiety and whatever strategies she has in store for me.  Then she will take me out of the house but address my anxiety as it comes up through exercises (on thoughts and breathing I suppose).  She will not leave my side until I am able to calm myself and this will be at my own pace.  Maybe 6 months or longer.  Whatever I need (bites nails!  I hope I can do this and succeed!).

I wish I was referred years ago - even as a child!  I never had a name for the fear.  I just got angry to keep people away.  Waste of a life!!!!  Then I just felt guilt, low self-esteem and misunderstood. 

I won't get an OT until in the New Year sometime.  I am not even sure how long the wait-list is.  I also know that I will have to keep going out and that even if I am sick and can't go outside that my agoraphobia might come back.  I am hoping not.... 

Wanting So Much To Get Back To Loving ME!

So, today's been exhausting! 

I have so far spent most of the first part of today crying and totally burnt-out/exhausted.  But now for the past hour I've been jumping out of my skin anxious/ agitated and feel like skipping rope for a few hours to tire myself out again! 

I'm so missing what my calming remedy was doing for me.  I am sooo not calm anymore.  My sleeping is awful again.  My depression is possibly worse.  I'm even sure it's worse because it has been bad for over 2 months (except for one day when I was in a hypomania and raked 6 1/2 bags of weeds!).

I think in the last week it's been hitting me that Christmas is coming.  Although I like Christmas day and going to parties (if I'm not too full of anxiety), I fear the actual dealing with card making and Christmas shopping even if I know what I will get/ buy and say.  Everyone around me is so easy to please gift-wise for this I am so grateful.  But still I am nervous like you wouldn't believe. 

I had a phone check-in with my case-manager Jenn today and this time I was actaully able to say how I really felt.  Jenn assures me that she will get me an occupational therapist to help me not only with my shopping phobia but also that agoraphobia of just leaving the house.  Jenn explained that the OT will first come to the house and teach me relaxation exercises for a couple of sessions before we venture out anywhere.  This makes more sense to me. 

I do feel better about things knowing that I going to get help but I forgot to ask Jenn when this is going to take place...I keep telling myself (actually sort of less and less) that maybe tomorrow I will be OK again and jump in my car or tell Kerri I'm ready to drive somewhere with her support...

Things between Kerri and I are going well.  We are talking to each other about why we do things and act in certain ways. I am saying that my insecurity is getting very bad in wanting closeness and if I don't get it I feel like Kerri doesn't love me anymore.  I realize that I need to re-learn to love myself and perhaps practice saying affirmations or doing the butterfly hug or something just for me and self nurturing.  Otherwise I get left feeling so empty inside.  Kerri never stops loving me but she likes to have some space now and again.  I use to want my space but now I want be around Kerri 24/7 and this is waaaay unhealthy!

Some Days Are Hard - Finding A New Strategy Might Work :-).

I feel like I'm crashing.  Today was very hard.  It doesn't seem to be getting any easier.  I feel like I really need a break.  I do want to blog and I had blogged honestly for the past half hour and then pressed delete post instead of publish.  So, here I am again exhausted.  I am sooo wanting something to feel good about but not able to find anything at the moment and feeling lost and dumb. 

Kerri took me out shopping today.  This was a very hard time for both of us.  I could hardly breathe. You know that smothered feeling.  It kinda freaks me out!  It's been 3 hours since we got home and I am still holding my breath most of the time aka feeling smothered.  When I do this my anxiety gets worse and worse.  It's come to the point where I know that I will not be able to go out with Kerri and her friends for dinner to celebrate one of Kerri's friend's kids birthday's.  I am just so tired and just want to be alone where I can fight back the tears of frustration.

I am also frustrated that I am noticing that some people around me are miss-reading situations that are not in my control at this time.  I try to explain how hard it is for me and what is really going on in my head but I feel that I am not being heard.  It's as if I was still my rage-aholic former self and people sure misunderstood me then.  I thought trying to explain things without raising my voice that things would be better but they are no better as far as I can tell.  I just hold on to waaay to much and hurt like crazy...

I think tonight I just need me time.  I haven't had that yet today.  When I am stressed out this hardly counts as me time, does it?

Okay so goals for this evening while I am alone:

1.  call the crisis line.  This can help if I am able to get through all the busy signals, grrr.
2.  deep breathe
3.  listen to songs that help bring out my feelings
4.  pray to my higher power for strength
5.  eat something substantial
6. find something to laugh about...I sent this video to Kerri:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QDgAdXTcs00 

She didn't seem to get the humour behind it but I did :-).  As I said before it is loud in this house.  I try not to intervene during the day or at night.  Kerri and Hope are heavy sleepers and so no one keeps them awake!  When I lived with my folks, my mom was a light sleeper like me and so I got into the habit of being quiet and turning the tv down etc at night or during nap times etc.  Here the sound carries it being a split level house.  It's a nice size though (for daytime, hehe).

I do sleep much better using the remedy my homeopath Terrance gave me to calm me.  Hopefully I will still feel OK as I continue to wean off and stop it altogether...this is scary though i.e. will I still be OK; calm, and feel the detachment that this remedy brings me?

Anywhoo, this is me today and hopefully tomorrow will be a more relaxing day!  Ciao :-).

The Role Of A Mental Health Case-Manager, Hmm...

Okie dokie!

I think my life is moving in the right direction now! My case-manager Jenn just e-mailed me to offer me an Occupational Therapist who can help me with my shopping issue.

I have never had any long-term success in getting help with my fears. So far I have tried professional driving lessons and doing social anxiety exercises from a book.

I had been working with my past psychiatrist, Dr. Dinton, for 2 1/2 years doing individual and group therapy. Part of the individual therapy was spend reading books and doing exercises on my own but also with the doctor's support. I had been working on a book that used exposure therapy to overcome my social anxiety. Dr. Dinton eventually had to tell me to stop doing the exercises altogether because my anxiety was waaay to high.

So, I don't know if an occupational therapist is the right person to help with anxiety strategies along with my social anxiety and agoraphobia but I can try this new therapy and see what works....I'm sure this will be very scary therapy but whatever...

I know nothing about the wait times for an occupational therapist. Wait times for somethings are over a year for some specialties. So, in the meantime Jenn is not agreeing to take me shopping (I guess unless she can separate from me and do her own thing for a bit at the grocery store).

By the time I get this Occupational therapist I will hopefully be driving and doing my own shopping anyway...I have no issue with shopping on my own if I am able to control my own transportation and not have to risk panicking and not finding my ride. Is this really a shopping issue? Not even sure.

I will take what comes first and in the meantime I won't bug Kerri about shopping. We can go together even though that might take more time as our diets are very different. But, it will all work out somehow.

Yes I am annoyed with the whole process of case-management at the moment (well, have been since the start 7 1/2 years ago, lol). I just don't get what a case-manager is suppose to do. Their mandate says:

Based on the strengths model of case management delivery, ------ case managers provide individualized, flexible, and client directed support to individuals suffering from severe and persistent mental illness. The focus is upon client strengths, interests and abilities. The service is provided in the client’s environment and is portable, following the client when he/she changes housing.

...and they said they want us to be independent one day so I guess that's why we can't shop with them, meh! I wish they had clearly stated that before we got the the superstore. It's just a huge let down. Then the fear I feel is enormous! How is that suppose to help with my confidence???

When I asked for supportive counselling I was told I need to do other stuff too like get out of the house with the case-manager. I'm doing that now but yeah it took about 7 years, lol.

Case-managers have taken me to appointments and not complained but it has come to the point where I am now letting them decide what to do because I have no clue anymore and I am not interested in a fight....

Revenge Of The Miracle Remedy...Perhaps?

So I woke up angry today when I realized that I forgot to hand in my insurance papers for this months meds to get free coverage. I took my calming remedy, Valerian, lavender oil and relaxation tea. I was still raging mad.

Kerri had driven me to the superstore last evening so I could have handed them in to my pharmacist but I forgot. I am good at writing notes to myself and had done so. I taped the note to my fanny pack but it had fallen off.

I get so frustrated that I continuously have to depend on Kerri to do everything that requires leaving the house. I was perhaps feeling intense fear that of course I would never get the papers in by the time I need my meds delivered again in a week and a half. I can't give the papers to the delivery guy. So, I got mad and lost my temper like it was Kerri's fault or something and she didn't even see this coming....

Fortunately I was able to apologize soon after and Kerri was accepting enough to be sweet to me and we cuddled. I told her maybe I should lay off the homeopathic remedy for a couple of days because I took it this am and it had the opposite affect on me then what it was suppose too.

This is the first time in the month and a half I have been taking it that the remedy has not helped me! Usually by the 40 minute mark after I ingest this remedy, I am able to calmly say what is upsetting me...My homeopath, Terrance, warned me this may happen and advised me that if it does the opposite of what it's suppose to, I am to stop the remedy for 2 days or so and then resume...Um...I hope I can do this as I rely on this remedy as a sleeping pill but I will try :-).

I also feel that my agoraphobia is a nuisance. I don't know how to just get out and do stuff anymore...Kerri said she would take me out driving so that I might get back into the swing of things. I told her this is what I want but my anxiety and depression is really severe still. I know that the lithium I take creates confusion and spaciness inside my head which is something I think is unsafe for driving if I am having other issues...

I so still want to live with Kerri. I love her so much it makes me want to cry. I know I can heal but I don't know when I will get better. I need to work on self-care though. I do nothing. I cuddle with Kerri. I sit in front of the electric heater Kerri has provided for me. I don't do much else though although I do follow positive role models on twitter and I find this amusing, lol.