'Learning' My Rights: It's OK To Stand Up For Myself...

My homeopath Phil tells me to ‘stop depending on the remedies’ and to try to work on myself. What he means here is that I should stand up for myself. I recently had a lady called Casey (not her real name) try to follow me on twitter after I had her blocked. She simply changed her twitter name and made a new account. At the same time I had 2 strange calls one day after another where no one said anything and the call was not traceable. I only picked up the line thinking it might be my worker Jenn as she does not identify her calls from her cell.

I was petrified that this Casey, a lady from my ‘dark’ past was not able to respect me enough and over rid my saying no.  Another friend of mine from the past told her to stop calling her line looking for me millions of times when I had blocked my phone number for 4 years…this whole ‘Where’s Lisa’ game has been going on for 6 years, well, maybe more. I did end up calling the cops by the way. I haven’t pressed charges because I am not really afraid of her I just want her to go away. There is more of course but I’m so tired of this fear stuff I feel.

I did for a few days protect my tweets so that only my followers on twitter and those I choose to come follow me can read my tweets. After chatting with Phil though and him realizing how I love to reach out and mingle on-line. I love the feed back I get and the people who tell me I have helped them in some way...So, it was suggested that I not protect my tweets.  This made me smile. Of course I can protect them if I want some day but for now anyone of you can read them. But I know who is following me. And, if Casey tries to follow me or in anyway contact me in such a fashion that I know about I who I can press charges because I have told her not too! I know I do have some control over my life. I just have to remember this...

I have never had anyone else in my life that has harassed me like this for more then 3 days or so after I said to buzz off. She seems to want me as a friend, again, but an obsessed friend????? This lady has caused me so much hurt both during our friendship and after I said to stop contacting me...its unbelievable but I need to find my voice and I hope I can and will so that I don't feel so much fear...

Tomorrow I have a phone appointment with Cindy, my therapist. We will defiantly have to work on this…maybe a roll play or a preparation for a role play. Sometimes when people get upset with me or do things I don’t like I just freeze. Jenn says this might be also because of my reduced speed of processing, an issue I have had all my life. I know that as a kid in school I had to work for hours to memorize stuff. I had to work harder then most kids. I can work at this though. I can learn! I have yet to see or hear from the Occupational therapist because my doctor hasn’t yet sent in the referral Jenn and I gave him back in September. It’s January! Grrr…or maybe this is good thing. I can work very slowly at my own pace to either go out or not. I just have to hope that life is easy and that there will always be an endless quantity of great shows on TV and lovely people on Facebook and Twitter, tee hee…

 Well, in case you non-Ottawa, Canada, folk are all wondering about our snow situation here is what we got a few days ago:

And tomorrow we are expecting more snow i.e. 10-15 cm's worth!...So glad my step-dad has a snow blower....

When Family Doctors Fail...

My family doctors have done nothing to help me deal with my anxiety.

 I used to be able to volunteer for 15 hours a week and I loved it! I use to be able to take the bus, shop for food and even drive. Now I lie on the sofa and usually tune into HLN where I can watch high profile criminal trials in the US and hear the same evidence and lies over and over again and then rehash it all again in the evening while I think of what I want to eat because its hard for me to eat when I am anxious…

I haven’t had a psychiatrist in 6 years. My labels are bipolar, social anxiety disorder, agoraphobia, PTSD and panic disorder. I go to the doctor to see residents doctors who change every 2 years (my doctor has hour long waits) and they won’t actually assign me to a specific resident unless I ask…

Today I had a phone session with my mental health social worker Jenn. I have been feeling so frustrated because one of the Occupational Therapist’s had said she thought I was just using her because I was not able to function on my own after she worked with me for 3 months. Jenn assures me the OT had never dealt with someone with agoraphobia and panic disorder before. The OT would come once every 2 or 3 weeks for 3 months but even I could tell her I didn’t feel any better. Jenn says I really need someone to come get me out every day or something.

I’m just so sick of feeling that people are thinking that since everything is ‘in my head’ I can just snap my fingers and get out and be whoever I want to be just like that.  I told Jenn that I have been telling my resident doctors and my actual doctor who sees me periodically that I have anxiety. I figured I must not be speaking clearly because they don’t offer me help for it. Jenn comes with me to my doctor appointments and told me that I do speak clearly but they do not offer to help me…

The residents see me come in with conversion disorders, and stress headaches that last a month. They send me for a CAT scan to make sure it’s not because of my hydrocephalus but nothing shows up so they expect to see me back when my meds run out in 6 months.

It’s not like I did not fight to have a life with these panic attacks. For a year I continued to show up at my volunteer jobs. The staff would tell me to go lie down and rest for a bit if I was having a panic attack. They would let me deal with the attacks on my own because I told them it would go away on its own. I preferred to be alone for the most part.

On the way to my volunteer job I started to have panic attacks on the bus and then in the Rideau Centre walking to get my connection. Then the panic attack would pass and I would put in my hours volunteering like nothing had happened. Then I started having panic attacks at the bus stop or waking up in the morning…how could I fight back?

Clients would ask me ‘are you a student’ ‘do you work?’ To them I was just a human and I didn’t look like someone with a mental illness.  Sometimes I would tell them that I was not able to work because of my mental issues and do you know what? I have gotten so much respect from people for just being honest!

But doctors, answer me this, with all my problems why do I not have a psychiatrist who does psychotherapy? Gratefully after 6 years of this progression of anxiety my worker has given my family doctor’s consultant shrink a referral form (like a month ago) to help me get a doctor at our local Mental Hospital who specializes in anxiety to work with me…the waiting list is about 6 months and Jenn has offered to drive me.

I really hope I get help but when I feel really scared or depressed sometimes I really feel that there is no help for me. I hope I’m wrong. I do have so much to offer the world and I would like to help out in some way and give back…