A New Bed, My New Occupational Therapist And A New Me????

I like! 

My new bed, that is.  It's somewhere between soft and firm.  A well balanced bed then, yes :-P? 

I have taken a picture to show y'all because there is something that seems a bit weird to me.  I feel it's very high off the ground and I was thinking at first that I might need a little step ladder to get up to my bed, hehe. 

I am 5'1 peeps!  Not so tall and I not so short I suppose but ya know...

I know I took this pic without making my bed but it's hard when you have 4 cats and 3 of them like to sleep on my bed or Kerri's bed or anywhere for that matter.  I don't want to bother the cats unless absolutely necessary i.e. if they are laying on me and the phone rings and it's a waaaaay over there somewhere.  Kerri thinks I am being ridiculous letting the cats do whatever they want but whateva :-D!

Today I met my Occupational Therapist Charrie for the first time.  She gave me homework, yip.  I don't mind homework though.  I usually get stuff like that completed pretty fast.  I feel good doing homework because I feel like it is the key to my future cureness!  It doesn't really work that way though. It does help me to focus on something positive and ya know every little bit helps, right?

After Charrie left my case-manager Jenn, who was also at the meeting with Charrie, took me to Rainbow, a vegetarian health food store.  Rainbow is a vegetarian health food store in Ottawa's west end.  Jenn stayed with me in the store, as promised for this one time only. 

I even got a $10 discount because I am a member (this is free) and after you buy a certain amount of groceries price-wise they offer you that discount.  Thing is you don't know when you will get the discount because it's not on your bill.  Kerri and I wondered if they actually would give out the discount but now we know.  I've been shopping there for 5 months. 

I especially wanted and found some organic garlic to finally make humus!  So, I'm pretty much all set for the next week at least, hehe.  Jenn showed me that you can actually tell if a garlic is going bad as my last garlic had gone bad and I didn't even know it until I opened it.  Tami explained that if you touch a garlic and they are gone mushy (you really have to press in all the clovey grooves too) then they have gone bad.  This is the only way you can tell apparently but better then no way at all.  Some of the peel on the garlic looked brown but Jenn said colour doesn't matter...good to know!

No Need To Blow Up My Bed Anymore :-P!

When I moved in with Kerri back in July, she had been living here for years so the place was fully furnished.  My step-dad Jim bought me some book shelves and I was set.  I used an air mattress over the box spring of the old mattress to sleep.  It was comfortable.  Kerri's daughter hope uses the bed mattress and but that's all she needed so I didn't need to buy a bed that is until the air mattress, or air mattress number 2 sprang a leak.  Kerri thinks that Taters the cat was clawing at it and punctured the 2 I was using one after another.  He looks sweet and innocent but, you never know....

Today Kerri and I no longer need to blow up my mattress at night because Sleep Country delivered me my own mattress and box spring, yay!  It's a twin but I prefer that because I like more floor space. 

As you can see Speckle approved of the upright position that Kerri and I had put Hope's box spring mattress.  She likes to be up high, hehe.

Unfortunately Kerri has been fatigued the last 4 days with a terrible cold.  Wonderful eh?  Kerri gets time off work and a well deserved break but can't much enjoy it yet. 

Even with this fatiguing cold Kerri took me shopping to the superstore.  She really just needed some more OJ and I told her not to worry about shopping but she managed with no complaints.  Awww, thanks sweetie!

We both got some more food especially fruit and stuff.  I stocked up on more unsweetened chocolate;  Sole, and a few other things. 

Tomorrow my case-manager is taking me to the health food store where there is a better selection of organic food.  I have to say that the superstore has quite a nice organic selection though and I know other grocery stores and selling more and more organic these days.  If we buy it they order more for us oftentimes at cheaper prices then health food stores :-). 

Eating makes me feel good.  I guess this is a no brainer though, hehe.  Kerri said I use to eat the same thing everyday and that it was painful to watch.  It is true that I was worried about getting all the calcium I needed while not having pasteurized milk products as per diet rules.  I also didn't know a whole lot about cooking and being spontaneous because I didn't cook that much before hand.  Now having figured it out more I have so much to choose from and it's fun to eat!

Tonight for dinner I had my Sole.  Sole is highly beneficial for my O blood type on this diet.  Although I have eaten Sole at buffets, this is the first time I have cooked it on my own (Kerri offered some advice also).  I dressed it up with a tomato sauce thingy.   I am always excited to find new things to eat on this O Blood Type Diet :-).

-15 C And No Heat! Is That Even Allowed In This Day And Age?????

Today one of my Facebook friends shared this awesome song/ video called Straight Through My Heart by Backstreet Boys. 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B5Dc14h_3W0

It's a love song (I think, lol).  Even if you don't love someone it's a happy and upbeat song!  Weird video, but music can truly alter my mood if even for a few moments...


I love Kerri SOOOOOOO much.  Even when we fight I love her.  Sometimes I just get frustrated with the living arrangements and want to move out because of my fear of driving.  I do feel frustrated about not having independence and being able to grab a bus for transportation but I never want to break-up with Kerri, ever! 


Today I almost panicked but didn't :-D.  Our power went out for 25 minutes.  Its -15 C outside, snowy and we had no heat during the outage!

I was starving because as usual I get caught up in projects (talking to people on Facebook mostly) and don't eat until I'm about ready to faint.  I wanted a hot lunch too but luckily I was just finished heating up my salmon when the power went out.  So I was eating my lunch thinking we ran out of firewood last week.  What are we going to do? 

Kerri was calm, as usual.  She went over to the neighbours to see if they had power.  They didn't.  Kerri had forgotten that the doorbell doesn't work during a power outage.  Lucky she also knocked. 

We are such opposites, it's cute:-).  It worked well though because since Kerri was calm then I was also pretty calm.  We didn't even need to grab a blanket or anything because the house stayed warm fpr the full 25 minutes without heat/ power.  I had envisioned myself hiding out in my car with the heat on, hehe. 

We didn't know what to do with ourselves for a bit there because there was no computer or TV access, hehe....

So, tomorrow's the day that little Spock goes to the vet for possibly the first time in his life and he is an adult cat.  We already have him in the cat room so he doesn't go out and not come back.  Cats have a way of knowing when it's vet time! 

Spock has had it pretty good this winter.  He was allowed in the house and into the cat room but we let him go back outside as he pleased.  Speckle and Tate have accepted him as a part of the family which is sweet but Bob the cat is a bit miffed.  But then Bob is 16 and not good with change.

Anywhoo, I hope the vet bill won't be more then we have expected.  Kerri is paying and taking him on as her cat but also knowing he is used to being an outdoor cat so he probably will be out more then in.  I have found he has hung around the outside of the house a lot in the past few months, so, who, knows he will probably want the best of both worlds, eh Spockaroo????

You Know You Live In The Country When Your Girlfriend Comes In With Deer Antlers, lol...

You know you live in the country when your girlfriend walks out the front door and comes back in with deer antlers!

Yep,  the antlers were shed by some deer on our property.  Speckle, of course, had to give them a good sniff over.  Our other cats didn't seem bothered but you see Speckle had never seen these before because she is a city cat!  I mean, we got her at when she was 1 1/2 half, but ya know...

So, I have been feeling happy for the past couple of days.  My anxiety is still over the roof so I'm still suffering in that sense but I'm reaching out on-line and meeting others with Agoraphobia and some have worked with an Occupational Therapist to try to heal but as my case-manager Jenn says you can slip back into Agoraphobia and to being housebound.  I'm hoping my homeopathic remedies and therapy can help get to the underlying issue of what is causing my fear so that I can have more fun in life and not just fun in my house being silly...

I did manage to go out shopping today.  Kerri took me to get my own mattress and box spring as the Tate must have chewed or punctured the air mattress I have been using (and the one before it).  I will have it on the 20th of December (my brother's birthday).  Until then I will be OK.  There is still air in the mattress I am using but I may have to keep blowing it up every night, damn cat!

Kerri and I also went for food shopping and I stocked up on whatever I could.  The roads were baaaad because we were in the midst of a 5 cm snowfall but Kerri didn't seem to mind the occasional slip/ slide.  She told me it was fun.  I know if that happened to me my anxiety would be awful.  Kerri drives for a living though and has been driving daily for years. 

I learned something new today.  Red chili peppers are waaaay hotter then green ones.  I put one on my tongue all cut up an hour ago and my lips are still burning. I just put it in my mouth.  No biting.  It was wild.  I'm not sure how I'm supposed to eat them and I love hot food!

But on a serious note, I was scared out in the car even just as a passenger.  I know this is probably because I was not occupying myself.  I noticed I was breathing very shallow.  My breath seemed to go up and down my neck and not at all into my chest or tummy.  This is not good but it's the typical way I breathe outside these days or sometimes even in the house.  I just have to do what I can do to get out and shop or if need be get Kerri to shop for me.  Kerri and I were suppose to go out tonight to a Christmas party to an organization I belong to but I cancelled because of anxiety.  I guess that doesn't surprise anyone...

So I do the things I need to do and not all of the things I want.  Will my agoraphobia end soon? I just take it day by day.  What else can I do?  I am happy though these last couple of days.  Oh, and I saw a Rudolph Car.  It was a car with antlers coming up from the driver/ passenger doors and then on the front of the car was a red nose.   Nothing surprises me, lol!

Cats/ Games And My New OT Cannot Get Here Fast Enough, LOL...

So again I was supposed to go out and meet Kerri's friends for another of their children's birthday parties.  Again, I had a panic attack and have been holding my breath all day, feels like. 

Kerri has been very understanding about this.  I showed her my trembling hands and she knows I was taking my valerian, lavender oil and relaxation tea.  I also ate a banana for the tryptophan but I have heard that there is so little tryptophan in banana's (and milk - I can't eat pasteurized milk though because of my blood type diet) that you can't really relax on it.  Dr. Oz agrees with what I've heard about the tryptophan. 

I hope Kerri's friends get that I want to know them more and not hide.  I stay home alone feeling sad and lonely at times.  I also feel safer so there is the draw.  I am less likely to have a panic attack, or so I feel.

One piece of good news is that the Occupational Therapist that will come to my house to help with my agoraphobia will be able to see me (although she doesn't know I live in the boonies)!!!  Her name is Charrie and she will possibly be seeing me once before Christmas too. Yay! 

Charrie will only be able to see me every other week that I know of.  My case-manager Jenn says it would have been most ideal if I would see her every week.  Two weeks is a long stretch before visits and there is more chance of slipping back into hibernation/fear mode.  Still, I am hoping that I do get better and out driving and getting my independence back soon!

Jenn guesstimates it may take up to 6 months for me to get my confidence back and not slip back again.  Charrie will take me out and teach me ways to keeping down my anxiety so that I learn how not to panic.  Now, I do have skills in this but I really need a coach to get me back into the habit of learning to relax myself.

So, for tonight, I may as well stay home and try to figure out if there is a way to win this game: 

http://www.members.shaw.ca/gf3/circle-the-cat.html

Kerri passed this game along to me.  She couldn't stop the cat from jumping off the page.   I know of 2 people who have solved the game.  One person figured it out after 6 tries and the other 5.  So far I have tried 5 times.  They don't offer a leash so I guess a cat will do what it wants to do for me, lol.

And, here is another picture of my own funny cat Speckle and her box/ house.   Notice how she is in the house when she plays.  Speckle will run through the back down of this box when I take out the string.  Then she will bat the string from inside. 

I think it's a sort of stalking thing where if she hides, the string/ prey will be less likely to run away and she gets more chance of attacking it.  I don't know, lol...Speckle runs to hide whenever I take out string.  In other cats I haven't noticed this behaviour but they are all unique :-D.

King Bob The Cat And Can I Feel Any More Tired?

I am exhausted after a very poor sleep last night. I had to take my prn zyprexa at 1am.  I was wide awake and had that racing feeling inside.  3 hours later I woke up because I heard a noise was still as wired as the night before.

Today, I am walking around the house 'drunk/ dizzy -like' unable to make the granola I had planned too for today.  I cannot for the life of me sleep in the day-time as a rule.  Cat naps only occasionally...

Luckily I have not felt a panic attack that it has seemed to bring on the last 4 times I have ingested it.  There is an interaction between my lithium and zyprexa so it's really not in my head.  Thankfully I have been spared this time. 

My anxiety was brought on by my fears about my new therapist and her wanting me to eat (this requires shopping - and the huge anxiety that that brings me);  the dog eating the cats food after the gate wasn't shut (the dog went home this am after 6 weeks in our care!), and then Kerri refused to take me food shopping.  She finally agreed after I was crying and shaking knowing that we couldn't go today because of the huge storm we are having...

We had a date to go the grocery store yesterday since last week.  Kerri had told me she would take me because we were going to get food for a pot-luck we were suppose to be attending today so figured I would pick up some stuff for me (but due to the snowstorm the city has closed down in many areas and we are staying home and safely off the roads).  

I told Kerri it's OK, I understand about not going to the pot-luck, but I haven't been food shopping for 10 days.  2 days ago she got food for her and Kendra I knew I had some food to last me for a couple more days so it didn't bother me to see lots food coming into the house.  Mostly what I needed badly is fruit anyway.    Well, she did get me bananas but that's not enough.  I like to have at least 3 different fruits a day and that won't last me 10 days or 2 weeks or whenever I can get her to take me.

My case-manager Jenn gave me the website for an on-line grocery-store and I was all excited.  Then when I looked at their selection they only sell one organic item - strawberries.  I would love those strawberries because Kerri and her daughter went out food shopping together last night and ended up getting me some stuff but said they were all out of produce for organic fruits.  On-line it would cost $4.99 for the strawberries.  I need strawberries!  This is the same price for the 1 litre bin but then factor in the $12  charge for the delivery and packing....

Anywhoo, here is a funny picture Kerri directed and I took of Bob just before the friction started yesterday. Kerri's cats are so chill. Speckle would never put up with this, hehe.

Anxiety Aside I Had A Pretty Awesome Day :-).

Today has been a mixed bag.  For most of the day I was hyper agitated.  I couldn't seem to calm down.  I felt jumpy and had some trouble breathing due to anxiety.  When I don't breathe well, of course, my anxiety will get worse.

I was anxious this morning because I thought Kerri was rejecting me by seeming to be emotionally distant at times.  Fortunately she called me on the fact that I was also pulling away emotionally to protect myself from the further pain of perceived rejection (I can't say that my pulling away helped my anxiety any).  Fortunately we talked about what was going on for both of us.  Kerri told me it wasn't about me and she just withdraws while under stress.  I knew that was probably true rationally but my emotional mind still harboured great insecurities over the perceived sense of unlove I felt. 

It seems that if I don't my get constant love vibes I feel like I'm in waaaay to much pain.  Honestly!  Life was simpler when I was single, lol.  Our talk brought me to tears though which took a huge load off my shoulders.  I think it was great that we were able to talk things out.  I know it's hard for me when Kerri pulls away but this is what helps her deal so I will have to think up strategies to help me.  Fitting that we have our relationship counselling tomorrow :-).

Kerri took me to do some food shopping. I still needed a few things.  She did too.  This afternoon shopping trip did not help my anxiety but I am soooo happy that I got the food I couldn't get the other day.  I now have my sucanut (organic sugar) so I can make my baked apple, chocolate, and strawberry sorbet. 

Kerri says she understands about my agoraphobia and that I am not able to do stuff outside without huge anxiety a lot of the time.  I do feel really bad that I moved in with her and then sort of went into hibernation mode all of a sudden.  It's not like I didn't do this at my folks place when I lived with them in the spring and before but it has been pretty bad lately, my illness.  I want to much to be of help and not a lump on a log!

This evening I feel much relieved that I won't need anything at the supermarket for awhile.  Further Kerri rushed out to Costco with myself and Hope in tow to get an actual food processor tonight.  I had been using a blender to make humus and sorbet but the motor was sounding too taxed.  I already broke the first blender of Kerri's and my folks gave us the new one (they found it in the bowels of their basement and it worked!) but I didn't realize that blenders and not really meant for solid food unless it's watered down quite a bit.  Anywhoo we are all set kitchen-wise for a bit me hopes (and we stocked up on yummy smelling scented candles too :-).

Mmmm, More Food!!!

Today is a dark and gloomy cold rainy day.  As a consequence our cats Tate and Speckle, aka the lovebirds had a massive brawl this morning.  I wasn't really paying attention as I was - take one guess - yes on-line of course (probably twitter looking at profiles, hehe)!  I miss half my TV programs because I've got my nose to this computer, lol.

Anywhoo, I asked Kerri if there could be any relation to the fact that Terrace said to stop giving the cats remedy in their water bowls.  Kerri says their is probably no connection.  I concluded that they are bored because they can't go outside.  Further, because we are dog sitting, the dog gets the downstairs where most of the 'chase room' is...The cats can go down but they don't often because Bobby the dog goes into chase mode from time to time.  Bobby is huge, they are small, so, ya know...

So I haven't been feeling stoned from my calming remedy the last few days.  Oh yes, I had been.  This the detox experience for some.  This is a good thing because I am much clearer in the head :-). My homeopath Terrance says I can continue weaning myself off of this remedy aka horse remedy.  It's not the usual dropper bottle remedies.  It's a full tablespoon :-O.

Now Terrance has given me an anxiety remedy in a dropper bottle to take in its place.  I don't think it's as strong though, but hopefully I will be on my feet and out of the house again anyway.  It will feel awesome to be out driving along our country roads and off towards my volunteer jobs and appointments again. No one has forgotten about me.  The staff at my volunteer jobs like it when I keep calling in every week with an update.  They are soooo sweet.

I want to get out to the food stores again too.  I need more food!!!  I have food left but there is waaaay less variety. I want to make some more strawberry sorbet and chocolate.  I want to dip my apples in maple syrup and make baked apple.  I want to make more humus!  Yum!  Yum!  Yum!   This I cannot do with out all the ingredients!

I don't want Kerri to feel like she has to do my shopping for me.  She is sweet but I want her to be able to rest after work.  I get to chill all the time so it's only fair.  Tomorrow she has offered to take me across town to the organic market.  There, I can pick up some lemon cookies, crackers and muffins.  Maybe some produce.  I don't find there prices offer up any deals so I don't get stuff I figure I can buy in a grocery store.  I like to buy baked goods and not make them.  To tired for that.  I guess I haven't progressed far enough in my cooking extravaganza's for much in the way of baked goods.  Some day :-).

The Irony Of Natural Health....

I'm still looking over people's tweets. 

I have to say that some people are soooo boring!  They tweet such sentences as I just got off work.  For this I'm like, um, where's punchline????  I mean come on, Twitter is not Facebook where you have a ton of friends chiming in going, So how was work?, lol.  Even if they did all chime in unless a person retweets their incoming tweets it's only the person you are sending your tweet to that sees all the replies.  So, on the next person...

I thought of a good tweet today as I was in the shower:  

People buy unnatural products and wonder why they are getting skin irritations. Then they buy more unnatural products to clear em up, lol.

Well, I thought that was pretty funny.  Just the fact some people say they don't want to buy all natural products because they are so much pricier but they end up paying double for the extra unnatural product to clear it up.  So why not just buy the one, lol...but really I know that sometimes you can get medicated products for free with insurance but it is funnay nonetheless. 

It really bites that the healthiest products/ food and services are often times the most pricey.  I am hoping that in time people will buy much larger amounts of healthy natural organic products so that the companies can make larger amounts and lower the prices a bit.  Then more people will want to buy healthy products/ food/ services and our bodies/ minds will thank us for it :-). 

I've been on a blood type diet for 8 months.  This diet is very pricey!  I don't even notice much change even though it's an all natural diet.  I do read up on healthy living and it does make sense though.  Maybe I'm on the route to a healthier me.  Who knows??? 

Chocolate Actually Has Health Benefits? Mmmm...

So, I have re-discovered chocolate!

I use to be a chocoholic before March, the month I started this O Blood Type Diet. Since then however everything is so much more complicated as I have to make most things myself, including chocolate, if I want to add any sweetness to it.

Chocolate is something I am allowed to eat on the O Blood Type Diet because it is actually healthy and beneficial to our bodies (unless it is triggering your migraine!).

I didn't really think about eating chocolate before because I was too lazy to melt down pure chocolate and make it sweet by adding sucanut (healthy sugar) and honey. I knew I couldn't just grab a chocolate bar off the shelf and devour it. I knew I had eat pure chocolate and I thought - eeew!

Actually though, eating pure chocolate with added healthy sugars is not so bad. Kerri helped to give me ideas how to cook it etc and it all came out yummy and sugary in the end! I am thrilled:-). It still tastes richer, of course, but it is actually good for you.

I found this link that gives the health benefits of chocolate: http://www.momscape.com/articles/chocolate.htm. So, you never know. Yummy can be healthy too.

I am pleased that I am continuing to perfect this O Blood Type Diet that I am on. It's actually fun :-D but unfortunately (I suppose) eating chocolate does not give me energy and I am still utterly exhausted.

I am not really concerned by my continual fatigue, which is extreme most of the time. I remain hopeful that after this 'sabbatical' from the outside world I might be healed enough to make a commitment to go back to my volunteer jobs via driving. Similarly I hope to be able to go shopping for food etc at some point and to my appointments all on my own! I do want to drive and I continue to keep the hope that things will improve for me and that life will continue to get better and better!

What Shall Surprise Me Next???

Holy doziness today! What's up with this? I have been tired and dozy for the past couple of days now...

I have been told that my meds may be affecting my homeopathic remedies. Not a huge bad way but it is just that medications are hard on your body and the calming homeopathic remedy I got 5 weeks ago is strong.

My body is detoxing since it's trying to heal me, so there may be a conflict of interest there. But, of course, I still have to keep on taking my psych meds! I do feel depressed at times quite deeply and I know this feeling won't last forever.

I use to think that nothing could surprise me anymore on television. Today though, I am still baffled hours later after watching a documentary on The Learning Channel (TLC). The story told of a man who only ate raw cheddar cheese :-o!!!

I can't eat cheese on this O Blood Type Diet that I am on, but I did love to eat cheese in the past. I can understand how addictive eating cheese can be but to only eat cheese???? The man in the documentary went to his doctor and found he had a B12 deficiency and also wasn't getting enough folic acid. What about vitamin C? I thought? Did I miss something?

I am pretty scatterbrained while watching TV and tend to miss a lot but I was also shocked at how a man who only ate cheese could look so healthy, strong vibrant and clear-headed.

The man's ex wife tried to eat a whole meal of cheese and was literally sick.

The man who only ate cheese tried to eat a piece of chicken (good for vitamin B12) and was literally sick...He was unable to eat anything cooked since he was a very small boy.

The makers of this documentary were baffled trying to help this man get back to eating a normal food. They stated that this man was more then just a finicky eater. They also suggested that something must have happened to this man at a very young age to make him so fearful of food (ya think?).

So now does nothing surprise me? Um, I think that a lot surprises me, lol...

On An "O Blood Type Diet" I Can Eat Almost Anything If I Modify Everything, lol

Mmmm, thanks Kerri! Dinner was great!

My girlfriend Kerri cooked me up some Shepard's Pie tonight.

As you can see by the picture it doesn't look like the traditional Shepard's Pie that is made with meat potatoes and corn.

I follow the O Blood Type Diet so I eat organic beef, sweet potatoes and soy beans instead. I am not allowed having potatoes and corn....

Basically on an O Blood Type Diet I can eat the same thing as everyone else but with modifications usually meaning I have to cook everything myself, from scratch...

My Shepard's Pie meal tasted sweet thanks to the sweet potatoes. As you can see you can cook them up and mash them the same way as using regular potatoes....I also make sweet potato fries in the oven and season them with chili powder quite a bit.

Yesterday on my shopping extravaganza I got some organic Olive Oil. We tried it out for the first time today even though I noticed when I got it home that it was 'spicy organic olive oil'. I hadn't a clue there was such a thing as spicy, lol...I was just looking for the cheapest kind. Organic food is pricey enough as it is...

So I found a 500ml bottle for $12. This is pretty pricey but Costco actually has a good price on their organic Olive Oil. They have been known to sell it for cheaper then there non organic Olive Oil! Unfortunately they were out of organic last time Kerri was there (she has a membership luckily because you can get great deals!).

I was glad to eat although eating has been an issue for me lately. I have just been feeling so lazy and doped up lately. Kerri was glad to see me eat. She does take really good care of me, lol...Thanks honey!
I took this picture as the sun was setting over the fields across the road from our house today. We are blessed with beautiful sunsets. This is one of many....
Here is a picture of the farm across from us right next to the field. Sometimes when the wind is blowing in a certain direction we can smell the aroma of hay and manure outside in our yard...a little gross but it's all good. I would rather the smell of a farm then some of those gross factory smells...ewwwww!

The Paradoxical Detox

I am in a really baaaad depression. Crying and staying in bed has become my norm for the past couple of days. Insomnia is baaaad too.

I just wrote about 5 pages in my diary. I rarely use my diary. I just needed an outlook that I didn't necessarily want to share with anyone.

I think I'm coming out of the deep depression slowly though because here I am blogging again. I have to say those past couple of days I wasn't blogging, my head and heart seemed to go dead. I snapped internally. I went inside myself losing interest most things including food. Had no energy to sit up like this and write. I have a desk-top computer so I literally have to sit up! I didn't want to feel because I was in such deep pain.

Perhaps this pain stems from the latest detox that my homeopath, Terrance, gave me do take for the last 3 evenings (starting the night before I crashed). Terrance was detoxing me off a very emotional event during a mania 6 years ago. I'm not even sure if this is why I crashed because all the pain that came out was the opposite of what I felt at the time. But this has happened in detoxes before.

For so many hours I laid thinking 'Why am I doing this?' Why don't I quit the blood type diet, at least. I'm not feeling any better...I know I'm stubborn but....

There was an event that led me to the ultimate crash, but I don't really feel like going into that. It's just that so many things have been stressing me lately. Five pages worth!

I'm also really getting fed up that I am not able to get out and food shop for myself. I'm not driving like this though. Kerri got me a few things but she is getting tired of helping me all the time when I am too sick to come with her.

I guess I've been done fighting for awhile now. Ever since the calming remedy I have let my anger go inside myself and Kerri even said I was doing much better. Shockingly better, lol. I'm not saying I don't still say the odd snide remark or get angry. It's just that I don't bother fighting so hard anymore to make every thing my way. In the end I feel a lot of sadness because I do want some control over my life but it seems that I'm not at a place yet where I am able to honestly take care of me. This makes me sad and so I feel pain. I feel sooo much sorrow.

Having others take care of me is the last thing I wanted and yet it's the only thing I have ever known in my life....

Mmmmmmmm Homemade Strawberry Sorbet :-).

Today I nose dived off from wherever, to a deep depression, yet again! Fun times....I had a good morning though until about 11am when I started feeling the downward plunge. By that time I had already started the day long process of making a strawberry sorbet as seen here:

http://www.joyofbaking.com/StrawberrySorbet.html#ixzz0UOLGw42v

...and cooked some chicken for freezing and later adding to salads.

I actually cried when Kerri offered to take me to the organic market for more food I had to say no. I had been up and since 6:30am though so got some stuff done.

A depression crash, for me, is like the feeling of dragging my whole body through water with every motion. This is the time I know I can't fight my depression and just have to STOP! I feel so absolutely defeated! Why me? Why can't I do what I want to? Why all the energy zaps and some days I have waaaaay too much energy????

Yeah, I know why. I'm bipolar, meh, lol.

I had picked up some stuff at the grocery store where Kerri took me yesterday. Unfortunately being on this O blood type diet, you can't find everything you need at a grocery store. I have to say though that grocery stores, especially The Great Canadian Superstore on Eagleson are selling a lot more organic food now :-). They are a little cheaper then health food stores too being able to buy in bulk and that.....

I am still in the process of freezing my sorbet but it looks really excellent and kinda 'gelly' so not like a Mr.Freezy. That's the way I wanted it. I had visions of myself having to use an axe to chop it up into bit size spoonfuls....well, ya know this is my 1st time making sorbet, lol.

Anywhoo, here is a cute pick of the little furry cuties. They are sleeping together all happy in a large soft chair.

I cannot stress my happiness enough that Speckle (on the right) has friends! Petsmart had said not to get her a cat friend. I figure this was due to her strong territorial instinct. This has not been a problem at Kerri's.

I knew Speckle needed a friend especially in the winters. She was always wanting me to play, play, play!!! She tired me out, lol.

Speckle is sooo happy here (and I only have one vet bill :-D).

BAGS, BAGS, BAGS....

BAGS, BAGS, BAGS...

That is correct! I have 3 garbage bags of Kerri's daughter Hope's old clothes that no longer fit her. The waist size looks like it will be OK but Hope is taller then I so some of the pants will need to be chopped off or tailored. No biggie there. I never actually shop for clothes. I people are always giving clothes away to me. Soooo nice! I don't like shopping or spending money and some clothes are quite pricey so ya know....

It will take me probably at least a couple of weeks to go through all the bags but she has tons of nice stuff!!!

I was so exhausted today. I did a 45 min yoga DVD this am after using my S.A.D lamp and then my step-dad Jim drove me to Westgate Mall to get Organic Greens. After that all I wanted to do was to continue vegging. I didn't want to do anything to begin with today but ya know...depression and anxiety is exhausting....

I did have a couple of angry periods. In the morning while all alone I was angry that I couldn't find one of my reusable shopping bags. I thought Kerri must of taken it. I didn't want to be angry when Kerri got home from her first shift of work so I took my calming remedy and was able to tell her calmly, 'I am missing one of the shopping bags,' she went out to her car and came bag and said, 'I'm missing one too,' lol so we have a shopping bag thief!!!! Well actually no one would want to steal a shopping bag so it turned out a bit funny...

I was grumpy when Kerri asked me to look though the garbage bags of clothes. I was looking at then thinking 'I need to lie down, this is going to over burn me out!' I suggested I do the clothes on the weekend when I had no expectations to get out like I do during the week. Well I kinda flipped out and demanded I do the clothes at another time...I should have asked, yes...oops! Kerri came up to me and said she didn't know how to help me. She smelled the lavender oil I had put on with the hopes I would calm down. I was crying at that point and wanted to feel better. I felt totally burnt out and I knew I just needed to crash for a bit. I really can't cope with anything these days...

I've already tentatively called in sick for my volunteer job tomorrow because I've been sick 3 weeks so it seems I'm not getting better anytime soon...I need to focus on getting help with food shopping and cooking from scratch. I need to rest and do self-care....

Things are fine though. I rested for Kerri's second shift and then when she got home we had a cuddle.

I really want to beat my grumpy-o-holismness. I don't to this day know why I get mad like I do. There are different reasons that I have brainstormed about this anger phenomena. One is my hydrocephalus. I have had 10 neurosurgery's and 3 other surgeries during my growing years. I had 4 surgeries that first year I was born and 4 the year I was 14. The others took place in between...

I had other traumas but the therapist I was seeing for 3 years ending last march kept asking about my surgeries. It's hard to go through all that especially for a kid and even for an infant who can't talk. Whatever the reason is that I get angry and have been angry every since I was born (according to my mom hence the surgery theory), I do want to get over my anger. I just want to be happy and free to be the me. I want to live and to be able to be a great partner and to be able to work and to come out from under my bed more often, lol!!!

Tired Of Feeling Sick And Tired....

Today I am angry!

Well, anger is nothing new, lol. But seriously, I have been mentally sick - anxious, depressed, fatigued, irritable, for going on 2 weeks now and it's getting old. I feel I've lost my Independence totally!

Today I had wanted to drive to go shopping and get some warm winter clothes from my old place, my parents basement apartment but that didn't happen...

I have been leaning heavily on Kerri for help. This is a source of huge embarrassment and the lack of control I feel is huge. There is nothing I know of that will help me until the sickness vamooses...

About the fatigue. I have been feeling fatigue on and off for 3 1/2 years and longer. I get iron tests done for anemia and I am fine. Its anxiety I guess. I eat beef, chicken, and salmon, so plenty of iron one would think...

For mood, I have my blood tested for B12, lithium and tegretol levels. My thyroid is tested. Everything is fine...nothing wrong! EVER! Seems like...

I am currently wearing Kerri's sweaters. It's cold here in Ottawa now! I have been wanting to get all my warm stuff for the past week. Unfortunately I am unable to make the 1/2 hour drive (on a good day) to my folks place because I am not an experienced driver and that would be an accident waiting to happen!

So, I am basically stuck home unless Kerri drives me somewhere but we are both tired lately so it's hard to get all that we both need. What to do?

Being so far away from everything including city buses (out here in the country) it's frustrating. I only hope that one day I will get my strength and Independence back for driving the way I had it in the city hoping on city buses!

The Trials and Tribulations Of Food Shopping.....

Kerri says I'm getting my 'pep' back!

I do feel more alert today. I decided to try not to take my calming homeopathic remedy during the day now. I will continue to take it at bedtime to see if that helps me to function more. I do still feel depressed and so am very slow to get going in the morning. I did take Kerri up on her offer to take me food shopping. I'm glad I did. It wasn't so bad and Kerri wanted to get some stuff too and didn't want to go alone...

The stores were crowded it being a weekend afternoon but we managed. I still need to go to the pet store, bank, Farm Boy and Natural Food Pantry. Today we did manage to go to the Great Canadian Superstore, and Rainbow Foods.

It's so hard to find exactly what I want since I eat organic. Everything is all over the place. Rainbow Foods is vegetarian organic so no meat but has everything else. Organic Greens sold at Rainbow are waaay too pricey so we go the Natural Food Pantry for those. I try to get everything I can at the Superstore since the prices are so good.

A few days ago Kerri and I went to Natural Food Pantry to get Organic Beef but both of us forgot to get it and instead got other stuff, lol. Oh, we are a pair! I was so mad after that because I had it on my grocery list highlighted and everything! I'm not the smartest or the most alert cookie around...I like to blame it on the lithium and it may be partly the case but I've always been a bit spacey, argh, so embarrassing!

I feel good though. I got almost everything I wanted to do done today. I cooked up some organic chicken and froze 5 portions for my chicken salads. Then I doubled my humus recipe but I think I added to much water so note to self - LESS WATER. Half a cup perhaps extra because the recipe does not give enough. I think I perhaps threw a whole jug of water in, lol. I am a humus-o-holic so I like my humus real good! And to think that the first time I tried humus as a teenager I didn't like it much. Weird how our taste buds have to get use to things sometimes but all good :-)...

Better To Know I'm Not Ready For Work Now Then To Lose A Job Over It....

There is no way I'm ready for actual work!

I was hoping for something at home with flexible hours and only about 6 hours a week. Unfortuately, I am sooo zonked. I feel it's almost a given that I will have to cancel the meeting with a potential service provider tomorrow afternoon.

I need a service provider for job placement. Service providers can offer career counsellors and support for people with disabilities to maintain employment. Tomorrow will be the 3rd time in a row I will have cancelled with this one service provider. I have just called my case-manager, Jenn, for advice on this issue but I'm not sure she will get the message in time. I will have a phone check-in with Jenn tomorrow morning but I had wanted to cancel before then so it's not totally last minute. I was assured by the service provider that I can have or ask for an interview on the phone which I am told that she will do but she would rather I go in person so we shall see...

Who cares though? I need to be ready for work and better to find out now I am not ready (which I already knew anyway) then to have to lose a job over. Less disappointment this way. There are tons of other service providers if I have burned this bridge. I have to focus on me and what I need to get healed.

I was getting grumpy today just continuing to work on the prep for a beef recipe I am going to cook (some day). I managed to do all of 1/2 an hours work on that. I am usually a really hard worker in the kitchen and today it just wasn't happening. I needed to go back to bed. I needed to be in bed most of this morning and afternoon. It is only when I am lying down that I felt OK again. Zzzzzz.....

I think Tate agrees with me on this one. :-D.

Blueberries And Tofu, Yummm....

I cooked a meal today. It was a yummy broccoli and tofu dish! Yes this did feel like an impossible feat but I pushed myself seeing that Kerri was also cooking.

I've been so tired the past 3 days using that homeopathic calming remedy. This morning I woke up grumpy and immediately took the calming remedy. I take it daily 2 x a day. I was in bed for the rest of the morning...or on Kerri's lap napping in front of the TV, lol...So this is maybe how it's going to be for awhile until I'm done detoxing or whatever. I am happy I have something to take me down though. I would rather be fatigued and zombie like then angry and letting cruel words roll of my tongue because of anxiety. That's what my anger seems to be about - anxiety....

Kerri is sooo sweet though. She is cooking me dinner tonight. A tofu-spaghetti squash thing. I have frozen my other tofu recipe for meals this week.

This morning Kerri made me a blueberry crumble which I am going to have for dinner dessert. Yummm! I miss eating blueberries. They seem to help my blood (as they are known too). Now that I blueberries are so expensive (they were always expensive) I haven't bought any for over a month and I notice that when I get paper cuts I bleed out. When I was eating blueberries on a regular basis I would get paper cuts and the blood wouldn't even appear on my skin...So maybe I should eat blueberry crumble every other day! Frozen wild blueberries seem the best organic deal :-D.

So what to do now? How about another lay down in front of the TV and then I can drift off into nap land?

Tomorrow? Ummm...

Tegretol - To Take It Or Leave It....Hmmmm

So I am trying, again, to wean myself sloooowly off of Tegretol. This med has done nothing to help me in the last 4 1/2 years....why am I still on it? My family doc and residents didn't want to fiddle with my meds to put me on something else.

Tegretol is prescribed for me as a mood stabilizer. It is also used for epilepsy patients who are having seizures. Unfortunately it also has a side-effect of Osteoporosis which is a brittle bone disease causing bones to break more easily. The psychiatrist who was giving me this drug never mentioned this side-effect (but side-effects can be looked up on-line or given out from your pharmacist).

Tegretol is fine and seems safe for people who are not petite or don't have a family history of Osteoporsis. But for someone like myself who was already underweight and petite I got the diagnosis of Osteo-penia (pre-osteoporosis) when I was 31, 4 years back because I had requested a bone density test (I had to beg since I was so young). Bone density tests are usually only done around 5o years of age!

I am happy to say that after 2 years of taking 1000mg of calcium in supplement form, and 400mg of vitamin D with it, I was cleared of any sign of Osteopenia even while continuing to take Tegretol and be underweight still...I have never in my life broken a bone either :-).

I have cleared it with my current resident doc that I will try to wean myself off Tegretol when I started to feel less anxious. That time has come seems like. I have been feeling pretty good for almost 2 weeks now (not long in the scheme of things or ordinarilly a good indicator one should think about stopping a med that is helping).

The psychiatrist I had 4 years back, Dr. Dinton, did wean me off almost completely over a 3 month period agreeing that it was not helping me and I had been doing OKish at that time. But then I had some major stresses including the ending of Dr. Dinton's treatment of me and I asked my family doc's residents to put me back on Tegretol. It has done nothing for me....

So, I know how to wean myself off Tegretol. My pills can be cut and I have a pill cutter. I stay at each new level of pill for one month making the weaning off period 4 months - IF I can hack this. I have been sleeping poorly the last couple of days after starting this but Tegretol does not affect my sleep so I think that this is life stress or fear. I am secure in knowing that if I get really worried about the weaning off I have my regular dose to take if I think at all it will help...I really get nervous not taking meds because getting mentally sick again is not fun. If I ever ended up back in the hospital they would not let me take my vitamins; Homeopathy or cater to my blood type diet.

Weaning off a med is something you should aways do only if you know how and are under a doctor's care for this purpose....there is always the risk that after you have been off a medication for any level of time that your body will metabolise it different if you decide to go back on it and so it may not even work for you anymore in the same way...

For people who just stop meds cold turkey when the meds are not prns (meds you take as needed and not daily), this can bring on withdrawals for even those who never needed the med(s) in the first place....

Many people don't like medications for the side-effects but meds work a lot faster then what I have been doing, Homeopathy, some with in half an hour of taking it....so the positives out weight the side-effects. I have been doing Homeopathy since December and spending moola to try to get better because my docs just told me my anxiety/ depression was in my head. They wouldn't send me to a shrink or touch my meds either...

Homeopathy and my blood type diet is a last resort so I don't want any one thinking its any better as there is major pain involved in Homeopathy and even the blood type diet....for these methods stuff comes out and it's really hard. Homeopaths are not regulated like doctors so unless you know there to go or someone who have a good one how do you know if you are just wasting your money or not...

I'm trying to say if you need help get some help and take meds if you need to. Meds do help and Tegretol does help some people a great deal. You may need watch that you are getting enough calcium in your diet and vitamin D. Exercise is important and taking extra calcium/ vitamin D in pill form has helped me too!