Adding Structure Is Key - Uh Oh, Work Ahead In Therapy, Shhhhh!

I had my second appointment with my therapist Cindy this morning.  I always get to near panic mode before a new therapist or case-manager type person in the beginning.  I know I will be telling my life story over again in the space of an hour and it does bring out some of the pain.  I'm also worried about someone else caring about me oddly enough.  Maybe I am just so use to protecting others, hum.

So, I was running around making relaxation tea, valerian and putting lavender oil under my nostrils.  I was still panicky though.  My relaxation herbs are very mild so what can you do?  It did help to chat with Cindy about what I was feeling though and so that maybe someday I can better control my anxiety like I was able to with my therapist Anne. 

I was telling Cindy that I really want to get to the underlying issue of what is causing my fear/ panic/anxiety.  I told her that a couple of years back I did yoga nearly everyday (except for like 2) for eleven months and was still getting anxiety and depression (although less).  I don't want to get into another boot camp regiment while still have mental health issues that are severe enough to hurt me,   NOOOO I don't!

Cindy gave me homework.  I am to do 5 minutes of exercise (running in the spot or dancing to fast tunes - likely all alone in my bedroom as this is embarrassing) and 10 minutes of meditation.   She also told me to write a 3 day food plan because I need to eat on a regular basis and I have trouble figuring out what to eat even though I am hungry. 

I'm not sure about the food plan bit.  I like to eat what I want when I want but Cindy says that I need to do mechanical eating.   Mechanical eating is eating food even though you don't feel like eating.  Yuck!  That's like forcing me to go to my volunteer job or shopping even though I'm wrecked with anxiety or depression!  NOOOOOO, meh! 

I told Cindy I would start with the daily meditation and exercise.  It's a start :-D.

I think I will be out snow shovelling again at some point as it has been snowing yesterday and today again (this counts as exercise :-D).  The cats are not amused about the snow.  Well, Spock our semi-adopted cat likes it but he has been outside for who knows how long.  He just showed up one day in the summer and has never left so we take him and quarantine him to the cat room until we get him dewormed and all fixed. 

Kerri is taking Spock to the vet on the 17th.  Our other cats don't seem to mind him so much now that he comes in the house on occasion.  I hope Bobby the dog will behave himself in February if we decide to keep Spock.  Bobby the dog use to go bananas whenever he saw Spock at the window....

King Bob The Cat And Can I Feel Any More Tired?

I am exhausted after a very poor sleep last night. I had to take my prn zyprexa at 1am.  I was wide awake and had that racing feeling inside.  3 hours later I woke up because I heard a noise was still as wired as the night before.

Today, I am walking around the house 'drunk/ dizzy -like' unable to make the granola I had planned too for today.  I cannot for the life of me sleep in the day-time as a rule.  Cat naps only occasionally...

Luckily I have not felt a panic attack that it has seemed to bring on the last 4 times I have ingested it.  There is an interaction between my lithium and zyprexa so it's really not in my head.  Thankfully I have been spared this time. 

My anxiety was brought on by my fears about my new therapist and her wanting me to eat (this requires shopping - and the huge anxiety that that brings me);  the dog eating the cats food after the gate wasn't shut (the dog went home this am after 6 weeks in our care!), and then Kerri refused to take me food shopping.  She finally agreed after I was crying and shaking knowing that we couldn't go today because of the huge storm we are having...

We had a date to go the grocery store yesterday since last week.  Kerri had told me she would take me because we were going to get food for a pot-luck we were suppose to be attending today so figured I would pick up some stuff for me (but due to the snowstorm the city has closed down in many areas and we are staying home and safely off the roads).  

I told Kerri it's OK, I understand about not going to the pot-luck, but I haven't been food shopping for 10 days.  2 days ago she got food for her and Kendra I knew I had some food to last me for a couple more days so it didn't bother me to see lots food coming into the house.  Mostly what I needed badly is fruit anyway.    Well, she did get me bananas but that's not enough.  I like to have at least 3 different fruits a day and that won't last me 10 days or 2 weeks or whenever I can get her to take me.

My case-manager Jenn gave me the website for an on-line grocery-store and I was all excited.  Then when I looked at their selection they only sell one organic item - strawberries.  I would love those strawberries because Kerri and her daughter went out food shopping together last night and ended up getting me some stuff but said they were all out of produce for organic fruits.  On-line it would cost $4.99 for the strawberries.  I need strawberries!  This is the same price for the 1 litre bin but then factor in the $12  charge for the delivery and packing....

Anywhoo, here is a funny picture Kerri directed and I took of Bob just before the friction started yesterday. Kerri's cats are so chill. Speckle would never put up with this, hehe.

I Hope This Means I Am Slowly Getting My Supports Baaack? :-)

One great thing about today was that Tori, my outreach worker called me! This was a great relief!

Tori was calling me to invite me to the memorial service for the lady who died in the fire at my old group home last week. I have never met the lady but I am also not good about things like like funerals and memorial services (or anything out of my routine for that matter). So I told Tori that I probably wouldn't be going to the memorial. She said she knew I would probably not feel up to going. It was awesome she thought of me and called though.

Tori only had a couple of minutes to chat with me on the phone and acknowledged that she didn't have time yet to debrief about the fire. I found out though, that I can reach her by e-mail. I was told by my case-manager Jenn that Tori was unreachable by any method so this is great news! I still don't access to the rest of the staff at my old group home where I was able to call anytime of the day or night. But at least having my outreach worker is more then I had this past week.

I was sooo waiting for Tori to call. I wrote her a letter to get her up to date on the situation between my case-manager and I. I told her how Jenn continually refuses to take me shopping and stay with me at the store. Maybe Tori will help advocate for me because I feel like I have little use for my case-manager at the moment. When we do talk I have to think of things that won't upset her or I. Is this not ridiculous? :-).

I really want to make things easier on Kerri. I want to live with Kerri but unfortunately she feels like I am like another kid she has taken. This is so sad for me yet I feel frozen and unable to deal with the outside world much at the moment. I feel to unfocused and slowed down because of the depression to drive and everyone is saying that they are noticing my weight loss. I feel I don't eat because I don't want to leave the house to shop. Our relationship therapist Haley brought this up in counselling today.

For me eating isn't that easy for me especially when I am anxious or depressed. I do have anorexia yet I use to be able to force myself to eat during those times when I was getting out and getting food. I thought I was never going to slip back into the 'starving mode' again but here you have it...

Anyway I found something I think is highly amusing yesterday. Here is the link: http://dooce.com/2009/11/16/2010-former-congressman-charles. If any of you are following my tweets on this blog (scroll down a bit on the right) you may have seen this calendar before.

I had seen this calendar other years while following Heather's blog. This year though after seeing the Chuck's calendar I started thinking of making a Speckle Calendar. She does love to pose for pics and knows her name! Tate will likely the calendar too as he and Speckle are so cute together and Tate has some hilarious poses :-P.

I love Heathers humour, most days, lol. She is a bit off the wall sometimes but I follow her on twitter and I find her amusing....

NOOOO Way - I Do Not Do Exposure Therapy!!!

So I tell my case-manager Jenn that I want her to stay with me when we shop in the superstore.

Superstores are ginormous and I have this fear of losing the person who I am with if I don't see them! I am totally able to enter a superstore on my own even though I feel nervous. If I am alone I have more control. I know I can then leave whenever I need to an not have to worry about anyone else.

I know Jenn has an issue shopping with me and maybe it's a thing case-managers do so that clients learn to shop by themselves. That's what I'm told however I'm not interested in learning how to navigate a grocery store on my own. I know how to shop, read labels and ask for help when needed. I am just currently a self-proclaimed unsafe driver who has no real bus access because I live in the country. Sounds like she is trying to do some form of exposure therapy - ick! My past psychiatrist actually gave up on me on that one, lol...

I did get all the way to the superstore before Jenn had this frightening conversation with me. I thought that any objection would be antagonistic so I simply asked that we forget about shopping for today...

In all fairness to Jenn, she agreed to shop along side for today only because I'm having a rough time. This was not good enough as who knows when I will be able to drive again. I don't get it though. Aren't I always having a rough time when I have to ask for help shopping. Um, this is what I was talking to Tori and Kate, my support staff from the group home about just last Friday. Kate the coordinator of the group home was concerned about me and told Tori, my outreach worker to call me. Tori told me to pass on her e-mail address to Jenn her and to get Jenn to write back an e-mail to touch base. Tori and Kate were so sincere in trying to advocate for me so that I could along side with Jenn...That is as oppose to shopping with Jenn in absentia....

Jenn was not able to get a hold of Tori, my outreach worker now because there is no contact for any staff directly at the group home apparently. The contact numbers are for the Anglican Diocese for donations because of the fire at the home Sunday night...

Anywhoo, Jenn and I went to check out the Bird Sanctuary instead. We also went for a walk in the forest. But now most of the trees have lost there leaves so it all looks for barren but it was a nice sunny day. I wasn't really in a talking mood but it's hard when you are driving and wandering around. I find I get distracted. I did have a good phone session with my therapist Haley this week though....I know I need to talk. I am holding in so much I feel like I am crying on the inside and I still have no motivation for stuff outside the home...

As far as the shopping issue I will be OK. I am having a hard time motivation myself to eat anyway but Kerri has offered to take me shopping. I wanna make it work out here in the boonies! I do love it. There is so much nature and trails even right outside our door. I am keeping the hope as always because I know I will get better...

On An "O Blood Type Diet" I Can Eat Almost Anything If I Modify Everything, lol

Mmmm, thanks Kerri! Dinner was great!

My girlfriend Kerri cooked me up some Shepard's Pie tonight.

As you can see by the picture it doesn't look like the traditional Shepard's Pie that is made with meat potatoes and corn.

I follow the O Blood Type Diet so I eat organic beef, sweet potatoes and soy beans instead. I am not allowed having potatoes and corn....

Basically on an O Blood Type Diet I can eat the same thing as everyone else but with modifications usually meaning I have to cook everything myself, from scratch...

My Shepard's Pie meal tasted sweet thanks to the sweet potatoes. As you can see you can cook them up and mash them the same way as using regular potatoes....I also make sweet potato fries in the oven and season them with chili powder quite a bit.

Yesterday on my shopping extravaganza I got some organic Olive Oil. We tried it out for the first time today even though I noticed when I got it home that it was 'spicy organic olive oil'. I hadn't a clue there was such a thing as spicy, lol...I was just looking for the cheapest kind. Organic food is pricey enough as it is...

So I found a 500ml bottle for $12. This is pretty pricey but Costco actually has a good price on their organic Olive Oil. They have been known to sell it for cheaper then there non organic Olive Oil! Unfortunately they were out of organic last time Kerri was there (she has a membership luckily because you can get great deals!).

I was glad to eat although eating has been an issue for me lately. I have just been feeling so lazy and doped up lately. Kerri was glad to see me eat. She does take really good care of me, lol...Thanks honey!
I took this picture as the sun was setting over the fields across the road from our house today. We are blessed with beautiful sunsets. This is one of many....
Here is a picture of the farm across from us right next to the field. Sometimes when the wind is blowing in a certain direction we can smell the aroma of hay and manure outside in our yard...a little gross but it's all good. I would rather the smell of a farm then some of those gross factory smells...ewwwww!

A Full Day Out - Guess What? I Lived!

Today I was out and busy from 9:15am until 4:30pm. Imagine that!!! I was feeling doped up, lol so I figured I would surely be exhausted when I arrived home. I'm not though. I'm proud of myself for making it though this day.

In the morning Kerri and I had our relationship counselling with my individual counsellor Haley. I thought it went really well. Kerri and I were able to talk to each other and listen. I was so mellow I was not even interrupting (interrupting people is something I have quite a knack for, lol).

I was pleased that Kerri admitted in front of Haley that I don't get angry anymore. At least nothing out of the norm. Of course I get angry, don't we all? This is some magical remedy my homeopath, Terrance, has given me. I am suppose to start diluting it as it runs out and I do worry a lot that if I dilute it or stop taking it this will be like Cinderella at the stroke of midnight. You know for me I will go back to my grumpoholic roots :-0!! I hope not!

After Kerri and left our relationship counselling, I got her to drop me off at this meeting I have been missing a lot of lately. It is a meeting for people of all disabilities at a centre that helps us all.

Today two representatives from the Ontario Disability Support Program, ODSP, were talking too our meeting about what changes could be made to the program. They were trying to get us more involved. I had a few things to say. I asked how come I have to hear from my case-manager that I am eligible to get $50 to buy energy saving bulbs? In other words disability offers things but are they not telling anyone. The representatives admitted that they don't always get the word out, uh-huh...

There were other things I brought up but Kerri reminded me that I forget to tell them that they don't give very much for rent. With subsidized housing being a 6 year wait and affordable housing hard to find how does one survive? I know most people on ODSP or even working low income full time jobs have to ask friends and family for help. It's so hard to survive!

After the meeting I even managed to do some emergency shopping. I just got the basics and I was pushing myself because all I really wanted to do was to go to my mental health drop-in and mellow out...I really don't even feel like eating these days anyways....

Anywhooo, here is a pic of Ottawa's very first stay on the ground snowfall of the year! We are actually late as the States and other parts of Canada have had there first snowfall last month!

There is more snow now as I am posting this picture. It is now an hour after I took the photo but it's pitch dark out. Kerri says that the kid down the street is busy building a small snowman already!

Hope For The Horse Remedy And The Coming Calm....

I'm tired. My eyes are red and poofy. I am a raw and open wound! Last night I wanted to say something on Facebook but not wanting my drama on Facebook I uploaded this song:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EhrR8_5MR9E

But I didn't leave an explanation. The song is about a relationship ending, seems like. The words go something like this It's all over and all that is left is the crying....I had been angry with Kerri. I felt like she didn't care...same saga, different day...ya know...anyway today we talked, again. We cried, again...things are looking up. Why would I spend to much time crying if I didn't deeply love this girl? I am sooo trying to speed heal before I lose her!

I was further cheered up during my monthly visit to see, Terrance, my Homeopath today. That is all I did today. I did have other plans but this is me. Cancel Queen! Terrance explained that the reason I was feeling so good initially this past month was because of the anxiety remedy he was giving me. But then eventually stuff comes out and that my reaction has been too strong so he is giving me a horse remedy to help bring me down!

Here is the horse remedy and the usual size dropper sized bottle beside it. The dropper goes on your tongue one drop per dose. This horse remedy will be taken with a tablespoon. It smells really gross too - Brandy, ick! The dropper bottles contain vodka.

So far I haven't reverted back to my alcoholic ways of the past. The remedies are diluted with alcohol for sanitary reasons or to preserve the water or something. I could just ask for water and remedy and it would work just the same homeopathically I think. I seem fine with the alcohol though. People around me, after I have taken my remedies, smell a brewery but only for a second. The remedy is still mostly water....

So I stopped crying after seeing Terrance. I had been crying since 6:45pm last evening and aside from a 5 1/2 hour sleep I was crying....not eating. Just full of feeling and tears. I walked away from seeing Terrance at 4pm today with renewed hope.

I didn't think Terrance could help me with the crying and anger spells of the past week. A couple of months back I ask Terrance if he would give me a remedy to give me energy and he sort of chuckled. I figured Homeopathy being as slooow as it seems to be would continue to help me in the long run but I felt that there was no hope for the present....well we shall see what this new horse remedy can do for me, hmmm...

Gosh I'm dramatic! Terrance has other clients that don't have all this stuff coming up. Me thinks I'm the abnormal but this is me....in future I want to find the real me that is hidden under all this secondary stuff Terrance was mentioning. I heard about secondary emotions in DBT. It's like when you are angry there is always a secondary emotion underneath like scared, jealous...

Wish me luck that I will feel peace tomorrow. I have just had 5 days of turmoil and I need a rest!

On the left you see Bobby the dog begging or sniffing a box of dates. I didn't know what he would do if I took the top off but this dog eats anything seems like....typical dog, lol...His owners should be back in the next couple of days but Bobby hasn't been too bad. He's pretty quiet and doesn't try to run up to Speckle anymore....awww peace in the family at last!