We Think Therefore We Are....

I feel that my mental illness is bigger and stronger then I am. It's obvious, isn't it? I call in sick a lot. I'm physically able to come in but I am mentally overcome by anxiety, fatigue or depression.

Feeling depressed today, I told my therapist Haley, that I feel discouraged because I can't be who I want to be. I told her that I feel swallowed up by my illness. I was hoping she would pity and fix me so that I could leave and go get a job or something. Haley just looked at me and said 'I don't like it when you talk about yourself in that way.' She then had me write down the affirmation Everyday and everyway I am getting better and better. I am much bigger then my mental health issues.

As I was driving home I was thinking about not saying the affirmation. Why should I say something that is a lie? Then I remembered back to how, I am convinced, saying loving affirmations repeatedly have stopped me from cutting myself. I don't even think of cutting myself at all anymore. It's been a year since I cut.

When I am upset I need to remember to do loving and soothing things for myself. Not only that but also I need to remember that what I tell myself becomes my reality. Bad stuff happens to everybody but we have to think positively in order to gain strength! Life is hard but so is all that toxic negativity we feed ourselves...

I am looking forward to tonight. Kerri and I are going out to see our friends April and Brittany. They are also in a same sex relationship. It feels good to be able to go out some. Because I have been a virtual slave to my mental illness Kerri and I have been staying home a lot. We use to make plans but then I would sometimes end up cancelling due to anxiety mostly. Today I can appreciate that I am well. I appreciate being me and have a great time tonight!

Fatigue...The On-Going Nuisance...

This morning I woke up with the intention of going back to my Quaker meeting. Although I felt a bit tired, I was all excited about it. It's been a year and a half since I attended the meeting. I soo miss my friends there and the warmth and the peaceful feeling I get when I am there. The feeling lingers with me for the rest of the day/ week/ or until the need meeting.

I am not at my Quaker meeting today do due fatigue. There is always something keeping me away from my meeting. Most of the time I can't do what I want to do and I actually cry about it. My body gets tired. Sleep is an issue. Anxiety and depression are an issue. I sooo want to live my life to the fullest and I know that this is not an option quite yet and it breaks my heart. I see others doing the things I only wish I could do.

Some day I hope I can be the person I want to be...for today maybe I just need to rest though....I have been busy busy the last 2 days. I got stuff done but there is always more to do :-S.

Now comes the worry of whether or not I will be able to muster the strength to go out this week. I hope so....

I really need to do something to relax now though. Blogging reminds me of what I need to do for myself....awwww breathe!

We Love You Taters!

Little Taters, the cat, is home after 2 days on the run (or temporally adopted by another family).

Kerri and I were soooo worried! Hope, Kerri's daughter was not home much so we didn't tell her her cat was missing. Kerri was going to tell her today and go to all the neigbhours with flyers but then he came home late last evening and Hope found out.

I was shaking my head because Hope's first cat, Cassandra, went out and never ever came home. How could this happen to Hope's cats twice while I've had 4 cats and none of them stayed away for more then 8 hours at a time and always came home on their own.

Kerri was blaming herself as she was the one allowing Hope's cats to go out. I was trying to reassure Kerri that it wasn't her fault. How did she know this would happen? I blamed myself as Kerri was watching Speckle having such fun out in the yard. She only wanted Tate to have a bit of fun and burn off some of his boundless energy.

So, Hope definitely not ever allowing us to let Taters out again now! I am not sure how we are going to do that since cats are so sneaky and all. But if it means Taters is home safe then I am all for it. He seems happy and playful still. Speckle and Bob love Taters. They were both acting all insecure and over cuddly when Tate was gone....

Tate we love you buddy! Stay home; stay safe; play lots!

A Toast To Beautiful Days....

I'm OK! No cancer or cyst found at all! I had been thinking cancer was a given due to my high anxiety. Surely my immune system was compromised. But I'm healthy as far as I know. Who knew?

I was told the news right as the mammogram and ultrasound were given to me...Kerri was with me but she wasn't allowed in with me for the mammogram. She was however allowed in with me for the ultrasound although the technician said when I asked 'Does she have to?' I said 'Yes, because I'm anxious.'

Kerri rubbed my bare feet the whole time the ultrasound wand was rubbing over my breast with the cool lubricant. Having Kerri's warm, soft hands rubbing my feet helped to relax and soothe me. I am ever thankful for her being there and helping me through this scary time!

I'm clueless as to how 2 doctor's felt 2 lumps in my breasts while at yesterday's mammogram and ultrasound there was nothing to be seen at all - not even a cyst! That's awesome though! Maybe it was because the docs felt my breasts the day before my period? Or my homeopath Terrance gave me a healing remedy that broke it up when I saw him last week? I didn't think the remedies worked that fast. Maybe in 2 weeks there would have been a change from the remedy, but who knows...All I know is YAY!!!!

I want to live a long; healthy and happy life. And yes death scares me. It's the unknown. I also wouldn't want my loved ones to be missing me. Who knows heaven might be this beautiful place but we don't know that for sure.

I watched my dad die at home of skin cancer when I was 11. I know the many months or years of pain cancer can steal from a person. My dad suffered for 6 months. It was wonderful having him at home throughout his illness though. I just don't want want to suffer that pain. When my body is tired and read to go (waaaay of into the distant future) I want to just go in my sleep. Or maybe with a little warning so my loved ones can say good-bye :-).

I want to have lived a long and productive life. I hope to have contributed to society in some huge way and also to have met peace in my life!

Today should be a great one! I feel well enough to drive into the city for my volunteer job and do errands and maybe meet up with friends I haven't seen in awhile for tea...

A toast to beautiful days!!!!

As I Shiver In Anticipation Of Today's Ultrasound And Mammogram!!!

Yesterday I got the call to go and have an ultrasound for the 2 cyst-like lumps in my right breast that the doc found last week (my case-manager Jenn was with me behind the curtain and heard them say 2 lumps 1 in the left and 2 in the right, but I hope she heard that wrong). I am also scheduled for a mammogram and I've never had one of those before. Kerri is going with me. She's taking the afternoon off work. She's been trying to cheer me up I think. She's all happy but supportive since the call yesterday even though she's petrified of losing me. Meanwhile, I was in a daze.

I have found out some info to help me understand what is going on regarding when I will have the answer to what if anything I have that needs treatment. Kerri called up a friend who was treated for breast cancer in Ottawa and the scope is if you have cancer you will probably get 'the call' within 24 hours of the ultrasound and mammogram. Only at the docs appointment will they tell you anything for sure though. If you don't have cancer or have a just a cyst then you might not hear anything for 10 days...So the old saying no news is good news!

I have thought about not having any sort of reconstructive surgery if I do have cancer. I want the safest and most natural course of action. Instead, I will get implants if I need to lose a Breast down the road. No one can really tell if you are wearing implants or not. I have seen people with them and not known the difference. They make special bras and bathing suits for the implants so you can live a normal life!

I also went on my Homeopathy forum on and talked to one guy (not from my homeopaths clinic) who says his wife had Breast Cancer and was treated with homeopathy for it and the cancer was gone in 3 months...

I am going to do both use both homeopathy and western medicine. If it's just a cyst hopefully I won't need any treatment. Or if treatment is suggested I will try to ask for a 3 months wait for any surgery to remove it. In that time I can do my homeopathy and then get the tests again to see if surgery is still needed. Hopefully the doc will understand.

Luckily Breast Cancer is easy to treat as I'm sooo not done living and I don't even feel that I have begun yet!

Help! I Need A Crash Course On Trust And Flexiblity....

It's true that I'm having huge issues of trust with Kerri. I feel it's from my past (and watching true crime on TV) not that that helps Kerri feel any better. Doesn't our past come back to haunt us sometimes (or often, ick!)? I had friends steal and borrow money from me that they never repaid. Also when my dad died I was 11, my mom who had no job at the time, told my brother and I that we didn't have much money. For myself who was use to having anything I wanted, I was extremely fearful. I wondered what would happen to my family and we had no support in town. No family. Only friends who we kept our problems hidden from.

Because I have no job so I am much more careful then when I was working. Yes I did work as a Health Care Aide 7 years ago. That didn't pay a lot but I was living with my folks so I was not hurting and I loved the job...

It hurt me immensely when my friends seemed to just want more and more money from me as if that was all they wanted in our friendship. I felt I was being used. So, when I see money issues come up I clamp down and get scared. I don't want this relationship to end like the others. Abandonment is a huge fear of mine and Kerri's too.

I set out my limits with Kerri before I moved in and told her what I could afford and all that. Everything was fine until I moved in when things changed and suddenly money became an issue. I think we can work this out though. We have a lot of help from all around. I have dreams of one day having a great job and us both working and making good money. We can conquer the world!

I know that another problem I have is dealing with change. I am also not a flexible person. I need to work on this. Kerri says I nag and I know I do sometimes. I worry about her but I know I need to trust her to do what she feels is right. I will be there in the end whatever the outcome. I love her more then anything. I do want help to change but I feel I need a crash course immediately....

I feel overwhelmed with everything that is going on in our relationship right now. I just want a cuddle and a kiss but I am instead alone in my bedroom and this is sooo where I don't want to be. I tried to take a bubble bath but I started crying and ended up back in bed even before I turned on the water.

Hopefully today Kerri can forgive me for not trusting her yesterday. Hopefully I can get well. I am sort of lost as to how this is going to happen. But who knows....

Here is a picture I shot last night at bed-time. Tate was giving this stuffed bear that Kerri gave me as a birthday present a bath. I was like 'Tate, stop that I want to take the bear to bed and cuddle him." LOL, but he continued a good 2 minutes or so...I wonder if he realized it was a stuffed animal :-P.

Oh, The Day Starts With A Jolt. What To Do?

I feel angry and yet unfortunately this is soo usual for me. I feel angry because my girlfriend Kerri's alarm clock was beeping at me from her bedroom in the next room. I do wear expensive fitted ear plugs but I can still hear a lot! Kerri was actually downstairs and didn't even hear her alarm so I had to get up out of bed and go into her bedroom to shut it off...I was still tired but too angry to go back to zzz-land argh!). Getting a good night sleep is so hard!!!

It's no wonder Kerri doesn't believe in Homeopathy. I have been doing Homeopathy since December for anxiety and it has not done much, if anything to help it as of yet. On the plus side it has almost completely wiped out my seasonal allergies; taken away the chronic back pain, and my knee pain that use to keep me from walking more then 3 minutes at a time. So I have hope that Homeopathy with take away my anxiety, in time.

Homeopathy works on healing all of you bit by bit. You can't just see a Homeopathic Practitioner (or at least the one I see) for like one thing. It just doesn't work that way. I do pay for Homeopathy but I do know that it has saved me time and money already. I use to go 2x a week to an Acupuncturist, Dr. Yang. I stared out seeing Dr. Yang for my anxiety. That lasted a year but didn't help it over all. It was nice though, like a massage. It was heavenly until the needles got taken out and I left the office. I saw Dr. Yang a second year for the chronic back pain that lasted a year. Acupuncture it didn't help my back or my anxiety because it wasn't able to help the underlying cause if my symptoms....So now I have more time and money to do other things and more money to spend on other things.

With my knee problem, I was almost ready to go pay for a physiotherapist because the wait list for an OHIP one was so lengthy...I told my Homeopath Terrance that maybe I need something for my knee because its not going away and it had been 2 months of pain. Terrance gave me something for it and 2 weeks later I woke up with this pain in the right side of my lower back (my knee pain was in the right and so were the probable cysts found in my breast). After an hour the pain moved to my middle back and then an hour later it was gone. I was intrigued since Homeopathy brings stuff out... but I wasn't paying much attention until 3 days later when I was walking with my case-manager Jenn. Jenn says 'You are not wearing your tensor!' I'm like 'Oh yeah, cool!' This was last week and I've been walking on it lots and it feels so good to be healed. All I had to do was put a drop of remedy on my tongue 5 x a day! I didn't pay a cent for physio although I did ask my family doc for a sheet of physio exercises to do on my own at home for my knee. Doctor's can give out info like that no problem...

About my anger though, Kerri that I need my sleep. I'm sure her not shutting off her alarm was an honest mistake. When I get angry though I get that speedy feeling when I rage like this. Kerri wonders if it's bipolar or rapid cycling sometimes because I get all racing and then the next moment I am fine but embarrassed and filled with shame. I don't know how to take it down.

I do know that I need food, again. This is where I feel so trapped. The nearest food store would be an hour walk away and I there are only rush hour buses that would take me. This means on only one direction unless I take an hour an a half to go in the other direction including a half hour walk to the bus stop. I was able to drive and I shopping 2 days ago. But I misjudged that I would run out of lettuce so fast. Now I have barely any left for the chicken salad I want to make for lunch today. I also noticed at breakfast that there are only enough eggs to last me until Saturday but everyone uses the eggs so I am sure I won't breakfast soon either. My girlfriend says she won't drive me for food today. I am so agitated I don't think driving is a safe decision on my own.

In 2 days I have to go on a special 6 day diet for a colon cancer test. For this test I will have to drastically cut down my vitamin C and cut out beef entirely. Cutting down vitamin C is scary as I worry this will compromise my already stressed out immune system and make me physically sick! But, I do want to do the test since there are already cyst like bumps in my breasts I know I need to be careful although there is a history of breast cancer and none of colon cancer...awww breathe!