Thinking and Avoidance Behaviour - Bad Combination!

Today I have more energy but am still far from wanting to get out of my pj's and leave the house.

I am really nervous to drive, I know that. I've been super nervous for the past 10 years or so but now that I live in the country I've been attempting to challenge this fear. My excuse for not driving is that I could kill someone.

A couple of days before I 'crashed' mentally and got into this 3 week depression, I was driving along Carling Avenue at 60 or 70 km an hour. Just as I was finishing up going through an intersection this bicyclist crashed into my car. What are the chances that a cyclist doesn't see me in a car? Come on higher power ya think ya gonna stop teasing me and let me at least try to get my confidence for driving back in style???????

Anywhoo, I screeeeeched on the brakes and the sound could be heard a mile away or more I'm sure. I don't know if I touched him but I thought I had cut his legs off at first. I was horrified! My step-dad, Jim, and I were stunned. I said to Jim, "What do we do now?" Jim said he didn't know. The bicyclist was stunned, I guess. Jim and I both looked at the light fearing that I had gone through a red light but the light was just turning orange. I had done nothing wrong I had just been driving through a green light and following the flow of traffic.

Jim and I watched in awe as this near accident victim just bicycled away just like nothing had happened.

Well, I could have not only killed the bicyclist but caused a huge pile up if the cars behind me had the other cars not stopped in time....too close to comfort! So I know I need to drive when I am well and perhaps get my confidence back.

It was weird though because after the 'accident' with the cyclist I was fine the rest of that day and two days after I was offering to go pick people up for the ALSO Fundraiser. I had so much confidence. I was also not sleeping good for 2 weeks around that time which is never a good sign if you are bipolar like me!

Now I still want to stay home and in my pj's day after day. I do need food but haven't make any motion to go get it. The last time I went food shopping was with my case-manager Jenn and we ended up getting separated and I thought she had left with half my groceries and asked her where she went. Jenn ended up telling me that shopping wasn't even in her job description.

So, shopping causes fights, and driving causes accidents, hmmm.

What to do? I think I am anxious. There is too much stress. I feel like I'm just tuning everything out in favour of numbness to protect myself because I am sick of feeling bad and getting hurt. I don't want to fight anymore and I just want to have peace in my life.

Avoiding things is not the way I'd like to do things though, however I do need to heal; take care of me and not hold on to sooo much!

ALSO Race Day!

Oh what a day! A good one though. Today Alternative Learning Styles and Outlooks (ALSO)(http://www.also-ottawa.org/) had their 5th annual book race. Here is a pic of Kerri all ready to start!

The racers started at 10am and returned 4 hours later Kerri returns with her team of 4 cursing me for not telling her how competitive this race was....oops! I have never raced in ALSO's Book Race but I knew there was some competition. I guess it is up to the team on how much competition they want (and when they are famished enough to return to Stanley Park for the end of race bbq lunch!

I do the volunteer work. The cooking and set-up and a bit of take down...I arrived at 8:30am in Stanley Park and was told I could leave if I was getting tired at 3:30pm. I jumped at the opportunity to flee as I was stressed and tired not use to being so busy for so long!

I have been volunteering at ALSO for 4 years now but this year I met some of the staff's family members for the first time. I also saw a staff who was on maternity leave and her new baby...It was sooo cool!

I am glad that the sun shone all day. For the next 4 days rain is scheduled with zero sunlight....oh joys! I am thankful for my S.A.D lamp as it seems to be helping this year!

Tonight I am just ready to unwind! I feel tension in my back and body....yeah I just gotta chill now!

I'm proud of Kerri; her daughter Hope and the other two ladies on their team! They had an awesome time! Woohoo!

Gearing Up For The 5th Annual Book Race!

I have been volunteering for over 5 years now. This is instead of working as I found working to stressful with my anxiety and depression etc...One of the places I volunteer with is with ALSO. ALSO stands for Alternative Learning Styles and Outlooks. It is a non-profit organization aimed at helping adults with English credits and there is no charge to the students.

ALSO also has a baby room for day-care on a drop-in basis. And the teachers visit kindergarten or preschool groups and bring packs with books and activities for the kids borrow.

We are currently in the midst of prepping for our 5th Annual Book Race that takes place next Saturday morning. That's September 26th at 10am. The race will start at Stanley Park (New Edinburgh Park is the name some use), in Ottawa, Canada. I will be cooking or helping to cook. Probably a lot of chopping up stuff and for salads and that. At the end will be a free BBQ and it's rain or shine. Here is the link...

http://www.also-ottawa.org/amazing-book-race/

This is not a race like you may be thinking of. For the ALSO race you will be in teams of 4 or 5. It's a fundraiser so each team pays $100 to register. You need to bus to get to some of the stations. Stations are at bookstores or libraries around Ottawa. At every station there will be a fun activity to do.

If anyone is interested you can register in advance or on the day of the race. I hope the sun shines down on the day of the Amazing Book Race!